*Family* Vacation - still OK?

[The_Onceler]

Hi all, I am brand new to the site and somewhat desperate for the perspectives of others. Thanks in advance for your help and indulgence.

 

Without too much detail or drama: my girlfriend recently announced that she wanted us to split. We dated on and off for a number of years, and while we have never been married, we have been together for almost 8 years, raising our two daughters as a family.

 

So far things are amicable. We are still living under one roof (mine), and she is working to set herself up to live on her own (we will share custody). The kids don't know any of this yet, beyond what they can intuit. They are 5 and 7.

 

We had our summer vacation plans already in place before my gf announced her desire to split. I am sure that she and I can 'play nice' during the vacations, but I am not sure whether we are doing our kids help or harm by sticking with the plan.

 

So, in short: (1) are the girls better served by keeping our original 'family' vacation plan, or (2) by nixing those plans, and proceeding with whatever independent plans my ex-gf and I might set up on our own?

[PegNosePete]

Personally I wouldn't even consider going on a "family" vacation with an ex. That sounds like a recipe for a week from hell.

 

It seems to all be in the planning stages, no deposits have been paid yet? If so then it's relatively simple to not plan any more. There's nothing to cancel, no money to try to get back, etc.

[Mr. Lucky]

Personally I wouldn't even consider going on a "family" vacation with an ex. That sounds like a recipe for a week from hell.

 

It seems to all be in the planning stages, no deposits have been paid yet? If so then it's relatively simple to not plan any more. There's nothing to cancel, no money to try to get back, etc.

 

I'm going to disagree with PNP's well-considered advice, I think it depends on the type of split. Were she leaving you for someone else and blatantly conducting the affair, no way I'd go. But if you're amicably living together while you split due to differences, I don't see the difference in sharing a hotel as opposed to a house.

 

Though I might book separate rooms ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

Thanks for the feedback Mr Lucky, PNP.

 

I don't anticipate any issues between my ex (?) and I. I am more concerned with my girls. I want to minimize the inevitable disruption to their lives, and perhaps spending 'family' time together even after the separation would help that.

 

On the other hand, perhaps it will only serve to confuse them.

 

I hate that this is happening. I remember repeatedly asking my own mother, "When will Daddy be home?" - I was too young to process what was going on.

 

And now I will be putting my girls through the same upheaval. I hate us BOTH for that.

[PegNosePete]

On the other hand, perhaps it will only serve to confuse them.

Yes, I would say that's very true. If you can be civil and there's no acrimony then as Mr Lucky says it might be possible to make it work. But don't pretend you're still together. It is important to show consistency to the kids. Telling them that mummy and daddy still love them but will be separating, then staying in a hotel room together, would be sending very mixed messages.

 

While the kids may be your primary concern, you also have to consider you. Would you have a good time or would you be gritting your teeth waiting to get home all the time? These things sound easy in theory -- yeah we'll just go for the kids, we won't talk about "us" -- but in practice it could work out very differently. Especially if there's unresolved issues, and you're travelling somewhere with cheap Sangria.....

[Angelica21]

My family took a vacation together after the separation, and it worked out fine. I'll tell you more below.

 

However, I'm more concerned about your information "The kids don't know any of this [about the separation] yet, beyond what they can intuit. They are 5 and 7."

 

I suggest that you tell them very soon, either before a vacation or after a vacation.

 

In my opinion, they will be better served to be told compassionately "Mommy and Daddy will be separating" while all four of you are still living together in your house. That way, they can absorb the bad news while both of you are still there to comfort, answer questions, and they can see that there is still communication and cooperation between you.

 

Briefly, here is my story, and the way we handled it was perfect for the well-being of my two sons.

 

At the beginning of December, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. But we already had all the usual holiday plans set up for both Christmas and Hanukkah with families, plus a pre-paid vacation in Florida in March.

 

So, for December we told NO ONE and we attended all family events without revealing anything. At the beginning of January, all four of us sat down together and we told the boys that we would be divorcing. After that, we informed family and friend. Dad moved out at the end of January. We all four went together on the Florida vacation, and all four of us did fine, not just sleepwalking through it but actually enjoying the diversion.

 

In my opinion, demonstrating that we were still communicating in a non-hostile way was good for the kids.

 

I want to add, though, that at other times when appropriate I talked to the boys extensively about how sad I was that the family circumstances were changing, that it was okay for them to express every feeling they had at any time: sad, angry, accepting, whatever. I think their dad had similar conversations with them.

 

It's very sad for kids when parents divorce, and you want to help them get through it as emotionally healthy as possible. To me, that meant showing them that I was sad, but confident that all of us would be safe and okay. I didn't want them to feel that the divorce was "no big deal, we'll get over it", I wanted to them to be able to admit how they felt, and not make it appear like "Mom and Dad seem to think this is so easy, but I'm scared and sad"

[The_Onceler]

Thanks, Angelica. I appreciate your thoughts and that you shared your story.

 

Our situation is unfolding more or less like the one you described. We are all still together under one roof. Their mother is making arrangements (work, housing, etc.) to enable her to move out on her own. Once she has a clear path, then we intend to tell the kids. We plan to do as you did, and to allow them some time to absorb the information BEFORE the actual split.

 

I am concerned about waiting too long to tell the kids, because they are certainly picking up on the changes, even if we are trying to maintain the status quo.

 

Also, I am a bit concerned about not allowing enough time between "the announcement" and "the move". This split, and the timeline, is being driven by their mother. So far I have been reactive, and I am trying now to get my bearings, be more objective, and be more proactive.

 

Again, thanks.

[Sabella]

I think it's up to you and ex to decide how you define your relationship and what it means to be a family.

 

The truth is you will always be connected and a family, as you are now. The only thing that might confuse the kids is lack of consitancy. But family and relationships are what you make them and how you and your ex present this to the children is most important. Will it be "traditional" in the sense of the word family? No, your situation is unique, but also honest. Families come in all shapes and sizes and configurations. You can still be a family and love your children even if you and ex aren't together.

 

To me it sounds like you are taking all these things into consideration already and you are being very mindful. You are doing a fantastic job and as long as you and your ex are being honest and caring for the children you can make whatever choice feels right.

[The_Onceler]

Thanks, Sabella. Thanks, everyone, actually.

 

At this point, we are committed to keeping our vacation plans, at least the ones that we had already made and that the kids know about. I don't know that we will make any future plans "as a family".

 

Of course, I imagine that this is all subject to change. Let me explain...

 

My nephew has his birthday in a few weeks, and my girls adore him, so of course I will be taking them to his party. When their mother announced her intention to leave me, I was somewhat blindsided, and I confided in my family, who I am very close with. The upshot is that my ex is not welcome at my nephew's party - some of them are mad at her.

 

I feel badly about this, both for my ex and for the kids. We were intending to go as a family, to maintain a sense of normalcy. That being said, my ex and my brother's wife, well, they are not over-fond of one another. In fact, the last time that I went to visit them with the girls, my ex begged off. However, she is expressing sadness at not being welcomed there THIS time. Go figure...

 

All this is merely background for my concern: that as news of our split spreads to our families, we will increasingly become unwelcome by each other's familiy, and the resulting tensions might boil over to where our own"family" vacation is in doubt.

 

I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

It might be just as well, though. I realize that we as parents are still people with needs of our own, but it seems I have heard the words "what I want" from my ex more than I cared to. Even in the context of our upcoming "family" vacation.

 

My ex and I had just taken a 10 day vacation to FL/Bahamas back in April. The trip was her idea, and it was our first time away from the kids. I burned up about half of my vacation time, and of course we burned through a lot of $$$.

 

So, I had suggested that we take the kids camping at the beach as a second vacation (the "family" vacation that I have referred to). The kids love camping, and they love the beach. Neither is their mother's favorite, but I figured it was a fair trade, after I went to the Bahamas with her. Also, it would be economical.

 

As I was working crazy hours at my new job, and she was at home full time, I left it to her to plan the details of the trip. What I imagined as a week of camping turned into 3 days of camping followed by two at a nearby hotel, and then home again. When I found out, I was a bit peeved - I had taken all of my remaining vacation time, and much of it would be spent at home. I suggested that we utilize the last Fri/Sat with a trip to a local amusement park that the kids love, to which my ex replied "Well, I don't like the idea of spending three nights in a tent, then one in a hotel, only to have to then go to the amusement park." In other words, no.

 

But an amazing thing occurred to me: I can simply take the girls there myself! The kids and I don't have to sit around merely because their mother is unmotivated to do stuff. I mean, I myself don't LOVE the amusement park, but I am not 5 years old. I *do* love my girls, and they will only be young once, and they love the park, so... enough said.

 

My ex says I am a martyr, which she refuses to be. I am not sure I agree - making my children a priority does not make me a martyr, I don't think.

 

But I digress... just venting, I guess. Sorry!

[Angelica21]

Oh, my, goodness, The_Onceler, you have my sympathy and support.

 

When parents do nice things for their children, and provide their children with experiences they enjoy, that is NOT called "being a martyr"!!! That is called "being a good parent" or "being a loving parent".

 

Your overall goal right now is to try and have everyone come through the separation as emotionally healthy, as "whole" as possible, all four of you.

 

The way to accomplish this is for separating parents develop, as quickly as possible, a civil and "business-like" relationship with each other. So many decisions will need to be made "forever" regarding the well-being of all four of you, so you might as well start as soon as possible.

 

On the other hand, don't short-cut any sadness, pain, anger, loss, etc. that all four of you will feel. It's going to be difficult.

 

Remember, children subconsciously feel that they are part of each parent. So if parent "A" fights with parent "B", the children feel like they are being hurt, too, or at the very least they feel the pain on behalf of the parent.

 

The best outcome for your children is for them to feel that they still have both mom and dad 100% with complete love 100% and that mom and dad will provide for their safety 100%.

 

You can begin to encourage your extended family something like this in your own words: "It's very important for my daughters to be able to fully love and respect their mom despite the separation. I'm asking you, my extended family, to be civil and courteous to their mom in person, as well as in what you say about her when she is not there."

 

Either immediately, or little by little, it actually will not be appropriate for your wife (I'll call her your wife) to attend extended family events with you and your daughters. But, initially, it is okay as long as everyone is in agreement and civil. If your extended family can't be civil, then attend with just your daughters and explain to them "Everyone has different feelings about mom and dad getting separated, and everyone needs to time to have their feelings and adjust to the situation."

 

One more thought that I think is the most important of all: you and your wife are The Adults, your daughters are The Children. The responsibility is on you, The GrownUps, to assure that your children suffer as little as possible through this. They are children, and much more vulnerable to temporary or permanent emotional trauma than the grown-ups.

 

Yes, as the process unfolds there will be plenty of time to think about "What's right for Mom" and "What's right for Dad" and "What does Mom need" and "What does Dad need" but that all comes a little later in the process.

 

JOB ONE is to protect those kids, and that might mean Mom and Dad do not get exactly what they need at the beginning of the process, but ultimately mom and dad will get what they need after the kids are emotionally safe.

 

You might need to have a calm but clear talk with your wife about making sure that everyone is okay, not just her.

 

Jeez, I must say this just one more time: of course it's okay/good for parents to make their children a priority, especially during a separation/divorce. Over many years, a parent can also make sure that the parent has a full and happy life, too, at the same time that the kids have a full and happy life. It's not either/or: everyone can get what they need!

Edited June 24, 2016 by Angelica21