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Divorce Diary


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 22nd June 2016, 3:09 PM   #46
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June 21, 2016

I don't know what life is trying to tell me. Maybe nothing. Maybe it's just life.

I cried a bit while I was hiking. And I just cried pretty hard while I was writing all that. But, it's just a chicken, right? And I hate to be cold, but she was the least friendly of the flock.

That evidently didn't stop me from loving her.

She just texted me, she forgot something at the house and wanted to know if she could come pick it up.

I'm going for my hike, so, yeah, sure.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 3:17 PM   #47
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Later:

She saw my wrecked bike. Jeez, I don't want her to think that I'm so distraught that I crashed, or something.

I texted her a photo of the rolled SUV and said that I didn't do anything, I was just riding and life tried to drop a truck on my head.

I didn't know what else to do.

She quickly texted back all kinds of concern and thankfulness that I was okay and sympathy for how messed up that was, etc.

So now I am back in the hamster wheel. My poor little messed up heart is concocting all sorts of romantic reconciliations.

I am staring at a pile of divorce papers on our lovely matte-finish granite counter top and I am telling myself she'll be back any minute. Any minute.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 3:22 PM   #48
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June 22, 2016

So, that's it. I left out a lot because it was just too much. I edited a lot because I don't know what's appropriate any more.

I feel weird about putting all this out there. It has felt a little good and a little creepy.

Part of me is thinking about contacting the mods and asking them to let me delete this whole thing. I guess I'll let it sit for awhile and see how I feel.

I don't think I'm going to continue writing a diary. I'm not sure, but I think it may be doing me more harm than good this time around.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 3:35 PM   #49
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As for my wife, I will keep trying to remind myself that she will soon be my ex-wife. I hope that I will eventually be able to accept it.

Anger helps, and once in awhile I am able to be angry at her.

But it doesn't last. So I grieve, because I want to puke it out. There will be a time when the grieving is not going to help anymore, and I will have to let that go too.

It's early to tell, but when I honestly look back, our relationship was certainly not unsuccessful. We made a family, had a house, made a life together. Until she left me, we didn't fight, we didn't hurt each other, we paid our bills, we even saved some money. I got along with her family and I think they loved me. My family definitely loved her.

And I loved her. I still love her. I am a lot older. I will remember her the rest of my life.

I'm sure that she will keep a small place for me. But she's got many years for that place to fade into oblivion.

My brain knows that it can't work and I am amazed that we lasted as long as we did. Even though there is no chance, and there is no way that we are compatible anymore, if by some miracle there was the slightest chance, I would take it in a heartbeat.

And my heart is going to hope and hope and hope, even after the papers are signed. I'm going to feel every little disturbance in the atmosphere and find hope in it. My rational mind will keep trying to pound the pussy out of me. I really hope it wins this time.

My best chance is to find somebody else that interests me. I don't care what anybody says about rebound relationships. If you find someone who is the least bit special, it's the single best way to get over your ex. Maybe the only way.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 3:51 PM   #50
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I don't know if I will post anymore. I think I may be done, but who knows.

Like I said, it's been a little creepy doing this and I don't know how much good it's going to do me, or anybody else.

I believe the no contact idea is absolutely good.

I'm not sure any smart girl is going to fall for the 180. The only way I can see that working is if you really moved on and performed a real 180. For a guy like me, who is basically a hermit and can't seem to find much deep interest in many people, that is extremely difficult to do.

I also believe that you have to try your best to really accept that things are over, that this is reality, and that all you should be focused on is moving forward. I also tell you that if you have a heart, most of that is just going to be faking it and hoping that you can make it reality.

I believe that time does help, but don't get your hopes up. If you really fell for someone, the best you can hope for is that time can water it down. I don't believe time heals all wounds. At least, not for a long time. Maybe if you live long enough, all the memories fade to a gentle shade of grey.

I keep reminding myself of my age. I keep trying to be honest and tell myself that I don't have the luxury of wasting any time. It's unfortunate that I seem to only be attracted to women much younger than me. I feel bad about what I believe is a very shallow quality. But I never said I was a great man. I think in a lot of ways, I'm just an average man. Maybe a little below average.

I certainly hope everyone is ok. I always hope everyone is ok.

I hope I'm going to be ok.

I wish for all of you just what I wish for myself. That you finally get your sh#t together and you find that special person and you both ride off together into the sunset.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 4:57 PM   #51
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Thanks!`

That was one of the best things I've read on this forum. Thank you so much for posting!

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Been there, done that. I could have written much of it myself a few years ago.

You WILL make it through this. Keep blogging/writing. I wish I would have more. You may not believe it, but you can see healing in your writing. You'll have some bad days and some less bad days. Next thing you know you'll be somewhere and ask "what's different? - something feels very different". It will be that you are finally 'over her' and happy. That's coming. I guarantee it.

You are wise to stay away from the alcohol. It is actually a depressant. Won't help at all.

Best wishes always. Sincerely.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 7:34 PM   #52
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Wow, what a great thread, I read it start to finish, I even cried, I feel for you. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, its crazy because I am female, my partner was 15 years older, 50. And he left me. I too would have laughed if someone told me even 2 months that we would be broken up, but boy have I been taught a very hard, soul destroying lesson. I am an introvert, dedicated to my relationship ( although very lucky to have my 15 year old daughter) he was my everything, my best friend, my companion, my lover, my everything. I like you, find it hard to really find a connection with people, I easily make friends, people like me , but I struggle to keep these friendships past the acquaintance to a real friend. I don't bother, its too much work I say! I like my own company, not in a weird way but I enjoy just been me, and I loved been him and me. I think that's why people like us struggle so terribly at the loss of our relationships, they are literally our best friend!

I have so much respect for you, for sharing your story. Please keep writing, it is helping people, I know it is. You are putting into words things that people are struggling to explain, they don't know how, they don't know if it will make sense to other people, but you are saying it does make sense because I'm feeling it.

This website has been my savior in this dark cloud of despair.
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Old 23rd June 2016, 12:44 PM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tuesday After View Post
I don't know if I will post anymore. I think I may be done, but who knows.

Like I said, it's been a little creepy doing this and I don't know how much good it's going to do me, or anybody else.

I believe the no contact idea is absolutely good.

I'm not sure any smart girl is going to fall for the 180. The only way I can see that working is if you really moved on and performed a real 180. For a guy like me, who is basically a hermit and can't seem to find much deep interest in many people, that is extremely difficult to do.

I also believe that you have to try your best to really accept that things are over, that this is reality, and that all you should be focused on is moving forward. I also tell you that if you have a heart, most of that is just going to be faking it and hoping that you can make it reality.

I believe that time does help, but don't get your hopes up. If you really fell for someone, the best you can hope for is that time can water it down. I don't believe time heals all wounds. At least, not for a long time. Maybe if you live long enough, all the memories fade to a gentle shade of grey.

I keep reminding myself of my age. I keep trying to be honest and tell myself that I don't have the luxury of wasting any time. It's unfortunate that I seem to only be attracted to women much younger than me. I feel bad about what I believe is a very shallow quality. But I never said I was a great man. I think in a lot of ways, I'm just an average man. Maybe a little below average.

I certainly hope everyone is ok. I always hope everyone is ok.

I hope I'm going to be ok.

I wish for all of you just what I wish for myself. That you finally get your sh#t together and you find that special person and you both ride off together into the sunset.
So beautifully written. Thank you for sharing such an honest and heartfelt perspective of what many of us have also gone through. Mine was an almost 30 year marriage. It was a shocking amputation that I doubt there will ever be a full recovery from, whatever that is. At the end of the day we are all just humans, doing the best we can, trying to be understood, loved and appreciated and trying to give love and understanding and enjoy each day with all the pleasure and pain life entails... because we never know when life will send an SUV to land on top of us.
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Old 25th June 2016, 12:58 AM   #54
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Loved it bro. Dont disappear. Read other threads and write.

Strength and Honor.
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Old 25th June 2016, 4:57 PM   #55
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Thanks for opening up to us - I hope it has been therapeutic in some way for you to let us share your story - we are all on here because of the truly devastating effect of losing the one you have trusted the most with your heart . Good luck for the future , like others have said , your progress through the hurt and heartbreak is obvious when I've read your posts .
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Old 29th July 2017, 1:26 PM   #56
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It's been over a year. I thought it might be interesting to come back for a minute.
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Old 29th July 2017, 1:33 PM   #57
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I think it's near impossible for people to change, and I'm certainly no exception.

For anyone who cares, here's where I'm at:

I sold the house. I closed Oct 30. We bought the house Oct 31st. Eerie coincidence.

I continued trying with three more antidepressants. I just got off them. They simply were not doing enough to warrant the side effects. They certainly did not make me feel any better. All they seemed to do was make me not cry so much. They didn't take away any sadness, and they certainly did not make me feel good in any way.

So, I'm crying more, because I'm still very sad, and I still miss her and the chickens. But now my balls don't hurt, and I can have an orgasm. Good trade off.

I figure I caused most of my own problems. I frequently wish that I could become a different person. I've tried, but I think that it is beyond me. And maybe then, I'd just have different problems.

Last edited by Tuesday After; 29th July 2017 at 1:36 PM..
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Old 29th July 2017, 1:44 PM   #58
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I've started looking seriously at dating sites.

It sucks. I am trying to consider women closer to my age, but there is no way.
Not with who I am. I also still occasionally think about having children. And when I try to speak with folks my age about the things that I like--the things that I am passionate about, they have no clue.

I also want to be attracted to who I am with.

I think a rebound situation might have helped, but that was not in the cards.

So, I might just have to stay alone.
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Old 29th July 2017, 1:55 PM   #59
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So, anyway, I sold the house.

I worked my ass off and had a ton of luck.

The divorce went smoothly, she got her money and she was gone. I said goodbye to the chickens, paid off the loan.

I still had enough money to buy a small condo. I gutted it. Myself. What I couldn't do, I hired subs to do. I did a good job, I like it, and I'm very grateful and fortunate.

I buried myself in the physical work, and it helped a bit. I'm also still hiking every day, which surprises me. I do it to offset the mediocre eating habits and the drinking.

I get so sick of people just regurgitating platitudes that they read on the web, or hear from other people. So, I'm trying to be as honest as I can.

Drinking works for me. Self medication. I feel bad about it, I feel guilty, but there it is. I don't drink to excess and I don't get sloppy. It is medicine. I just don't tell anybody how much I am taking.
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Old 29th July 2017, 1:58 PM   #60
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Pizza works also.

Again, I don't tell anybody, and looking at me, no one would believe how much I eat it.

I just exercise a bit, and I don't eat the whole pie in one night.
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