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Divorce Diary


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 21st June 2016, 6:35 PM   #1
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Divorce Diary

This started almost two months ago.

I have kept a diary.

I think I am going to post excerpts from the diary to try to puke this out of my system, give my honest take on things, and possibly help somebody out there.

To everyone going through this, you've got my utmost sympathy.
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Old 21st June 2016, 6:46 PM   #2
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She's a lot younger than me. A lot. Don't ask.

Love at first sight for me. She walked into the restaurant that I was managing looking for a job. I was gone.

I was committed to her from the start. We were together for six years. I was married and divorced once already; then in a long term for eight years. She also left me.

I am not a terrible guy. I battle with depression, but not so much that I can't get out of bed, or hold down a job. I am very high functioning, great with money, very faithful, and honest with both my strengths and my weaknesses.

Unfortunately, depression kinda sucks the fun out of life and sucks the air out of any relationship.

I was also a struggling musician for a lot of my life, which is not a fate that I would wish on anyone. Hence, the restaurant career.

I have been in therapy for a total of 9 years, three of which were couples therapy with my second girl.

I have tried 5 different antidepressants.

I have unfortunately had no success.

And now, here I am again. A three time loser.
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Old 21st June 2016, 7:00 PM   #3
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I cannot believe that I am here again. Good grief.

Anyway, after six years, she wanted to get married. I didn't care either way, I was totally committed to her, piece of paper, or not.

But one of the reasons that I lost my second relationship was that I could not get myself to marry again at that point--even though it had been six years since my first divorce.

So, I asked her to marry me.

We bought a house and renovated it together. We built a garden and got chickens. I didn't want to do any of this. One of the things about depression is that sometimes it's hard to take on big projects. But I did it all, and I did it well. It took a ton out of me, but I did it for her, and I did it for me. And I got to love those chickens more than she did. I practically took on the whole responsibility, while she flitted off to something else. That is a personality trait of hers that I loved and hated in equal parts.
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Old 21st June 2016, 7:11 PM   #4
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I'm not gonna lie. A younger woman is a challenge. For some reason, I made up my mind very early on to just let her do what she wanted, as long as it wasn't dangerous. And, although beautiful, she was the nerdy type...not particularly interested in looking at other men, seemingly content and happy being a wife. I never felt insecure around her. She never mentioned my age.

I don't look my age, nor do I act it. Being a musician, there is always something a little ageless about you. And being artistic, I'm artistic, I'm always somewhat in touch with cutting edge stuff.

But, when it comes down to where the cheese binds (whatever that means), you're never gonna fool anybody.

That being said, I was never jealous for a second. She never gave me cause to be jealous.

She loved to cook. She made soap, she made homemade lip balm, shampoo, moisturizer. We brewed Kombucha together. We ate eggs from our chickens and vegetables from the garden. She dragged me around to every restaurant in town and we tasted everything, and she tried all the silly new cocktails that bars concoct for amateurs.

Was life perfect? No. I still struggled with depression and existential angst.
I withheld nothing from her. She knew every thing about me, and I was very careful to tell her when I was acting from depression.

Was she perfect? No. She was somewhat scatterbrained and not a good communicator.

But I was happier than I had ever been in my life. If someone had told me how it would end, I would have laughed in their face.
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Old 21st June 2016, 7:17 PM   #5
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So here's how it happened:

Her father died suddenly, about 5-6 months before she dropped the bomb on my life. He was taken to the hospital, heart attack, brain not functioning. We got there within 20 minutes. She watched him die. I couldn't do it.

She hides her emotions. Still waters run deep. She barely cried. I was a mess. I cried more than enough for everyone.

She quit her bad job (also a restaurant manager) and went to waiting tables.

She got heavily into yoga, and started to get up a group of friends. Young friends. Divorced friends.

I backed her on everything, knowing that there was no point in trying to control her. And she treated me well, was still loving, still appeared happy.

She started coming home later and later.
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Old 21st June 2016, 7:32 PM   #6
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So, yeah, she got a job waiting tables...I helped her study the menu and told her I'd back her in whatever she did.

She had only been at the job two weeks, when she started throwing out little things...geez, it's so hard to talk about...so hard to...so painful to remember. Things like, "You don't like anything." And, "We really don't like the same things."

I should have seen it then. I should have seen it then.

So, she came home pretty late one night. I rolled with it. It's the restaurant business. I amused myself. I wrote the first song that I have written in...geez, almost in her lifetime.

Then, she came home late again. And I talked to her about it. I told her it made me feel bad, and I didn't think it was appropriate. I asked her if anything was wrong, if there was anything that I should know about. She responded that this was what people her age did.

I rolled with that, too. I honestly responded, no, that's what alcoholics in the restaurant business do. And I'm worried about you.

She promised me that she would keep it to a dull roar.

The next two nights, she came home at 4:30 am.

I couldn't sleep. I was up when she came home. I got out of bed and told her angrily that I would not live like this, that something had to change. She apologized, but I wasn't having any of it. I stormed out of the bedroom and went into work ridiculously early.

When I got home from work, she was standing by the door.

Last edited by Tuesday After; 21st June 2016 at 8:56 PM..
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Old 21st June 2016, 9:00 PM   #7
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So, that's the backstory.

If you've stayed with me so far, I appreciate it. I really don't want to be a boring a-hole, but I think I have a lot to say.

If nobody reads this, it still doesn't matter. It helps to write it.

I'm gonna start cutting and pasting from my diary. I'm going to try to show you as much as I can. I'm gonna try to really tell you.

Last edited by Tuesday After; 21st June 2016 at 9:06 PM..
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Old 21st June 2016, 9:12 PM   #8
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"I can't believe it. I can't believe it. I can't believe this is happening again.

This is the third time. I can't believe I did it again.

I came in from work today and she was standing by the door ready to leave. I took one look at her face, and I knew that she wasn't going to be back.

'I'm going to my mother's,' she said. 'I need to think.'

I couldn't believe it. I mean, we never fight. This was actually the first real fight that I can remember. I asked her to stay, to talk. I looked at her again, and I knew it.

'I don't want to lose you,' I said. 'Don't go like this.'

She said, 'That's very controlling.'

What?

I let her go.
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Old 21st June 2016, 9:20 PM   #9
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I just got back. Right after she left, I had to get out of the house. I couldn't bear to stay there. I can't believe that this is happening. Again.

I walked the streets for hours. It's now 1:00 am. I have to go to work tomorrow. How am I going to function?

I walked through a sketchy part of town and two homeless guys asked me for a cigarette. They were young, pretty rough-looking, unshaven, obviously sleeping on the streets. I told them that I quit years ago and started to turn away when I suddenly burst out crying. I burst out crying in front of two homeless guys, hopeless wailing.

They asked me what's wrong and I barely got it out. I'm losing my wife. I think I'm losing my wife.

They both came up next to me and hugged me. Then one of them began to pray. It made me cry more.

After awhile, I calmed down. I thanked them and walked away.

I checked to make sure I still had my wallet.
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Old 21st June 2016, 10:01 PM   #10
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I am not going to call her. I am not going to text her. It is killing me, but there is no point. What am I going to do, talk her out of it?

All I do is cry and make retching sounds. I feel pathetic, but I can't do anything. I can't eat and I can't sleep. I haven't eaten anything in three days and I think I've gotten maybe 3-4 hours total sleep. As sad as I was when my other two relationships failed, I was at least able to eat and sleep. I never believed people when they said that they got this upset.

I can't wait to get out of the house, so I walk. Then I can't stand walking and I want to get back to the house. Then I run to work to escape, then I can't concentrate and I want to get home. And it goes around and around.

I feel like I am in a nightmare, all foggy and unreal. I must be walking around like a zombie. At work, I keep running downstairs to dry storage when I can no longer hold in that hideous retching that wants to explode out of my guts.

It is almost impossible to work, but I need this job. We are in the middle of a crucial menu overhaul and I have to keep reminding myself that I am (very unfairly) in dutch with this job already.

Great timing, baby. You screwed me over at the worst possible time.

Last edited by Tuesday After; 21st June 2016 at 11:34 PM..
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Old 21st June 2016, 11:48 PM   #11
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She texted me last night. Said she's still thinking and she'll call me in a day or two. This is torture. I keep telling myself that it's done. Man up and start accepting it as soon as possible.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 12:03 AM   #12
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She had gotten us bikes for Christmas. We rode a few times, but it never really took. I'm really grateful for the bike now. I rode 6 miles today.

I am in shock. I can't get my mind around this. I cannot believe it. I alternate between crying like a baby and total disbelief in reality.

I have not contacted her. She texted me today, thanking me for giving her her space and saying that she would be by tomorrow to talk.

My brain knows it's done but I texted her back asking her to consider couples therapy before she came tomorrow.

No response, but it made me feel a little better to put it out there. Right now I'll do just about anything to feel better.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 12:16 AM   #13
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It's Sunday. I rode my bike all the way downtown and back. Almost 20 miles.

She was sitting on the couch when I got back.

I can't remember everything...it's a dreamlike blur.

Something about her father dying really shaking her up and realising that there was a lot that she wanted to do and life is short and the age difference was starting to really bother her and she wants to go to India for 3 months and she probably wants to have a family someday.

I started to sob and I choked it back. I looked into her eyes...huge, round, blue. Dry. Dead.

I held her hand for a minute and said that I understood. I said I'd give her an hour to get some stuff and leave. She hugged me and it was like holding a mannequin.

I was able to hold my emotions until I was back on my bike then I cried until that sense of unreal numbness washed over me and I turned back into a zombie.

When I got back to the house it felt so much more than empty.
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Old 22nd June 2016, 12:28 AM   #14
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I was able to eat a piece of pizza today. Junk food is going to be the key for awhile.

I lost 12 pounds. I was lean to begin with. It's nice to see my abs, but it's not so great to see my skeleton. People at work are taking the long way around when they see me coming.

I have called 10 psychologists and psychiatrists. Not one answered. I left messages and only one out of the 10 called me back. And he was actually kinda weird and rude. After thinking about it, I called back and cancelled. His voice mail was a little weird as well.

I still can't get my mind around this. A few nights ago, we were binge watching Boardwalk Empire, having cocktails, laughing and holding each other in bed.

She had to have met someone. Keep that in mind. It's the only thing that makes sense.

Keep repeating that to yourself when you're fantasizing about her coming back home.

Last edited by Tuesday After; 22nd June 2016 at 12:30 AM..
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Old 22nd June 2016, 12:46 AM   #15
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Ok, a week has passed. No point in writing. I couldn't write anyway. I could barely function. And what am I gonna say? I only cried ten times today? I only rolled myself up into a fetal ball once or twice on the floor of dry storage?

I know I'm a mess. But I'm showing up at work, the new menu is looking good. I lost one cook and I'm about to lose another, so I'm in the kitchen again and I'm scrambling to hire. I feel like everything is falling apart.

She called. She wants a divorce. We agreed to try to work things out without lawyers or mediators. I told her fine. I don't want it but I won't contest it. Just let's make it fast because I can't afford to hold onto her and I want to be able to be through this as soon as possible and get on with my life. I broke down a little, but I got it all out and I didn't plead and I didn't beg. I was not able to hold in the sadness, but I didn't lose it.

You're so full of sh#t, man. You still think she's coming home. You are insane.
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