Crossroads: Follow my head or my heart?

[ptrl0362]

I got married in the fall of 2015 after 7 years together. It was never the most romantic nor a relationship people aspired to have, but there was a unique love there and a wedding was the next step with us both at the age of twenty-eight. I knew deep down there was something missing, but I had never met anyone that caused that click inside of me that said "oh wow, that's what's missing!"

 

It was the beginning of November, a few days after having returned from my honeymoon. Somehow my floor received the mail for another floor in my building and so I made a short trip down the elevator to hand it to them. I arrived to the company's lobby with mail in hand and I looked for someone to speak to. I walked further and let out a "hello" and then HE appeared. I handed him a few envelopes, our eyes locked and I immediately knew there was an attraction, from both sides. As I was recently married, I opted for the cold shoulder and did not initiate conversation. I went back up to my office. Little did I know that being delivered the wrong mail would change my life forever...

 

Over a month had passed before we ran into each other again. We were both on our way to work and he had stopped at a crosswalk as I was approaching the same corner. We chatted and walked the one block to work. Later that morning, he called me at work and asked me to lunch. I responded with a slightly hesitant "Sure." I tried to justify to myself that there was no problem with going for lunch. I thought "it's innocent, I don't know his intentions, he is my building colleague, you will just tell him that you're married and all will be fine."

 

At lunch, he was easy to talk to and extremely interesting. He asked me a lot of questions about myself. He was not into small talk. He wanted to go deeper. I liked that a lot. I could tell he knew how to enjoy life. We told each other the timeline of our lives. I was intrigued. The lunch hour came to an end and I still hadn't managed to tell him that I was married. Thing was, I didn't want to. I thought "it's only one lunch, nothing will come of this, the holidays are coming and all will be forgotten."

 

In the first week back in the New Year he called me at work and we decided to go to lunch the next day. I dragged it out, but I finally told him I was married. I expected his interest and pursuit to subside, but it didn't phase him. I was shocked. He invited me over on the weekend. I told him I would think about it.

 

I called him Saturday evening telling him about how conflicted I was about coming over the next day. He assured me it was friendly and playfully said that we can sit on opposites ends of the couch. I agreed to it. I woke up on Sunday nervous and wishing I hadn't agreed.

 

I arrived at his place and sat nervously on his couch. He had everything I had ever mentioned to him during our few conversations. My favorite movie, my favorite drink, and he had even cooked homemade bread. We sat on his couch, drank, ate, talked and listened to music. We talked for hours and he edged closer and closer to me. I was attracted to him on all levels. He played a romantic song and he leaned in to kiss me. It was beyond magical. This was the beginning of a secret, tumultuous, six-month love affair.

 

I lied to everyone during these six-months. I would tell the other man that my marriage was in the process of ending and that I needed to tread gently. Meanwhile, my husband had no idea. Not even the slightest inkling. We were having an extremely difficult time adjusting and adapting to being married and we were constantly fighting. I had intense moments of guilt when I was with the other man. I left his place countless times because of guilt. We did not become physical for months, but there was a deep emotional connection. I never stayed over. This relationship was very much based on a real and soulful emotional foundation. Nothing has ever been able to separate us. It has been an extremely difficult road.

 

As the other man started to become impatient, I continued to manage the situation - lying to him about steps I had made to start the process of divorce etc. Meanwhile, my husband began to feel my emotional disconnect. He sensed something was wrong. He could feel that I had fallen out of love with him, but I could never admit it to him as much as he begged me. I know I am so selfish.

 

Now I am at the point where I have been cheating on my husband for six months of the eight month marriage and essentially in a secret relationship with someone else for these six months. I am coming here for advice.

 

I have thought long and hard about whether this is a relationship I entered into for the attention I was lacking from my husband, whether I was just bored with my husband, whether this was just infatuation. I called it quits so many times with the other man. I was married. A newlywed. I had a wedding of over 400 attendees. I would bring so much shame to my family if I ended it. How could I dismiss all of these factors for someone new?

 

After months of soul searching and much thinking, the main issue has always been my happiness. I spent years in a relationship/marriage, not truly happy. I was not treated well and we were never a team. I shouldn't have said yes and I should not have gone through with the wedding. I knew deep down we weren't meant to be. Regardless of the other man. But how do you tell someone this? It's so unfair and selfish. I don't want to hurt him. I hate the thought of causing him pain. I don't want him to have to start all over. I've wasted his time. He will have to go into the world again, divorced. He will bring shame to his family and friends. Because of me.

 

So now I'm at a crossroads. This week is my deadline because I can't continue living a double life. The other man cannot continue to have this relationship as a secret any longer and my husband continues to feel my emotional disconnect from him. Do I continue my marriage and live a content, decent life with someone who doesn't "get" me, but loves me unconditionally because I made that commitment or do I continue the relationship with the person who makes me happier, understands me and loves me unconditionally? I don't know what to do.

[Mrin]

A few thoughts for you:

 

1. You should have never gotten married. But people do that all the time

2. Yes there is shame in divorce. But it is mainly the shame you out on yourself. If you gone that route he will be fine. You will need to take ownership as the cause though. You are what changed. Not him. Whether you do that by confessing the affair (the right choice) or by just saying you don't love him anymore (the less right choice) it is on you that the marriage ended. Don't make excuses for your behavior. Just own it. You owe him that.

3. Life is too short to live a not-so-happy/sad life. Even if you broke it off with OM you will do this again. You know that to be true.

 

Best of luck!

[SunnyWeather]

you're in quite a pickle. are you able to get away for a bit by yourself to get some perspective? having some distance from the situation might present some clarity on how to proceed.

[Tread Carefully]

Life is way too short to just settle and live a 'meh' life. You deserve to experience real love and true happiness. So does your husband. Yes, divorcing him will hurt him but if you care about him, at all, you'll set him free so he can find the right person to share his life with.

 

Look at it this way. Do you want to hurt him a little bit now or a whole helluva lot later?

[Satu]

You should spend some time alone, finding out who you really are.

 

That idea probably doesn't appeal to you very much, but it is the wisest thing you could do.

 

 

Take care.

[KBarletta]

I agree with the other posters that you owe it to your husband to confess to the affair and end your marriage.

 

However, if I were in your shoes, I would be wary of getting involved with someone who would openly pursue a married woman. If he regards your current marriage commitment so cavalierly, what makes you think he would view any future commitment to you with any more seriousness? And you may think that "it's different" with him, but that is what everyone thinks at the beginning. I would urge you take Satu's advice and proceed slowly, determine what you really want and who you really are.

 

At the very least, you are a woman who is not in love with her husband and probably never will be. He deserves to know that and he, too, deserves to be happy with someone who loves him, not someone who just stays with him out of a sense of commitment.

 

I wish you luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

We were having an extremely difficult time adjusting and adapting to being married and we were constantly fighting.

 

It amazes me you don't see the connection between this and the affair you're having. Difficulty adjusting? Not surprising when a spouse has put all of her emotional energy into another relationship. Never a team? I don't know many marital "teams" with three players.

 

You've been horribly unfair to your husband and that clouded thinking has put you in an even worse place - considering hooking up with a man who has zero regard for relationships. Some might say you're setting yourself up to get what you deserve, so be it. If he wasn't "phased" by your marital status, I doubt he'd be bound by his.

 

You've done some deplorable things. There are ways to live your life where "follow my heart" doesn't mean you stomp on someone else's. Break it off with your OM, come clean with your H and deal with the fallout. Those small steps would be a start on a different life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[gemini6]

Good grief another one that found their "soul mate" at the office

My advice is to leave your H, give him the opportunity to find someone that will love him instead of being mediocrely content with him. chase your dreams and follow your heart....the grass is always greener where the dog ****s in the yard, around the septic tank, and where ya water it, so....while you are watering the OM's grass instead of your own lawn...of course you are seeing how "green" it is over there...so, tell your H and let him kick you to the curb and find a young hot sexy woman to hang out with - 2 can play THAT game, easy enough -

Besides, I'm sure once he gets over the shock of being betrayed, lied to, cheated on, and thrown away like a piece of garbage..he'll be more than ready to "let you go" without looking back.

Your affair is just like the rest - all cheaters say the same thing, suddenly their spouse isn't good enough - no spark, no love, etc etc etc..it's so predictable. People always want what they can't have..so, right now, you are "forbidden fruit" to the OM..as soon as you are available to him - meh, not so special after all...but hey, life is way too short to settle for mediocre!

[IHNWCC]

Hi! We all love being swept off our feet and having someone be interested in us. Unfortunately, this guy you are describing never had noble intentions to begin with. He sought you out despite the fact that you were married. That is not a romantic man. He did not care that it would turn your world upside down and ruin your marriage. If he truly cared for you, he would not ask you to upset your world and your marriage. I know that it is hard when the “grass seems greener” on the other side, but more often than not…the greener grass is merely a mirage and optical illusion. Love is not a whimsical feeling. Love is a choice. Love sometimes means choosing to love someone whether they deserve it or not. You made the decision to love your husband when you chose to marry him. Now it is time to put action to those vows. Marriage takes work and commitment, and sometimes that is hard. If it was easy, it wouldn’t be so beautiful. As long as you allow someone else to steal your focus, you will never be able to focus on your husband and give your marriage the nourishment it needs to blossom. You will grow to love your husband and cherish your marriage if you invest in it. I would encourage you to also seek counseling, so you can have someone who is neutral in the situation to help you work through your thoughts. Here is a link that might help you as well. Avoiding and Ending an Affair | Focus on the Family Whatever you decide, I am praying for you.

[Lowrider93]

For those people who believe that all that matters is what they want, here's to living a single life.

[bubbaganoosh]

If your not happy then do the right thing. So far you haven't by cheating. File for divorce and both of you move on but to cheat on your husband only makes things worse.

 

If you wouldn't have cheated then you could have filed and explained you feelings to your husband. Would he be mad, upset, hurt? You bet he would but after a while he could at least respect your decision and you but if he finds out that your cheating, then all that goes out the window.

[ShatteredLady]

Did you have any boyfriends before your husband? Looking at your age & how long you've been together just makes me wonder. You say that something was always missing. You've spent most of your adult life with him!!

 

There's often an anticlimax after a wedding, particularly a big one with loads of planning. Falling for a new guy when you get back from your honeymoon is something you really need to think about & talk to with a professional.

 

What happened on your honeymoon? Where did you go? Did you fight all the time?

 

People in affairs are known for rewriting history, cognitive dissonance & all that stuff. I don't know.

 

My oldest cousin met his 'mistress' within his first few years of marriage. They both filed for divorce within a month of meeting & they've been married for about 40 years now. I don't know.

 

You've done a truly horrible thing that should have been so easily avoided. You lost interest & fell for this new guy SO FAST though. Straight after your honeymoon? Really? Think hard!!

[ptrl0362]

Thank you everyone for your advice and opinions.

 

I am rereading everything almost 2 months later and not much has changed in my life. My relationship with my husband is falling apart and I know it's due to my emotional detachment from him because of having feelings for someone else.

 

@ShatteredLady to answers your questions:

 

Did you have any boyfriends before your husband?

- I had one boyfriend before my husband. From the age of 18-20. I had no issues with him. He treated me great and we got along well. It was a juvenile relationship and we moved on. It's hard to explain why I spent my whole adult life with my now husband because it was not an easy relationship by any means. We were young and changed a lot throughout those formative years together. We both lived with our parents and they have been and continue to be heavily involved in our relationship/marriage. We did not live together before marriage, not for religious reasons, but rather just due to timing. Looking back, I know I shouldn't have married him or probably even have stayed with him for as long as I did before he proposed. I'm not sure why we never called it quits. Insecurity? Familiarity? Family Influence? Didn't want to hurt the other?

 

There's often an anticlimax after a wedding, particularly a big one with loads of planning. Falling for a new guy when you get back from your honeymoon is something you really need to think about & talk to with a professional.

- We got married in October. I went for lunch with this new guy in December. We "fell for each other" in February. From Oct - Dec we lived with my parents and things were hell. We fought about spending money (I wanted to give a friend a birthday gift he didnt think I should because she never got me a birthday gift), he spent his time after work building a computer and then expected to have sex with me at the end of the night, he expected me to prepare his breakfast and lunch for him while he got to sleep in, he didn't come to a family member's funeral because he "didn't feel like it." So many things added up for me in those 2 months following our wedding and before even meeting this new guy. We both had expectations of what a marriage ought to be and we both failed to live up to those expectations. And I don't look at our relationship as having begun once we got married. I look at the past 8 years as a whole because his actions have just added up in my mind. I easily forgive and get past issues, but they stay with me deep down which is unhealthy. I know I resent him for a lot of his behaviour and what I have shared here has only touched the surface. I don't justify my actions at all because I know any marriage is not easy, but I believe I lost my patience and my feelings for him and now I feel an intense amount of guilt. I feel guilty that he has tried to improve himself since March. Because of my emotional detachment from him, our relationship has suffered and I feel guilty that I am causing him so much pain. I feel guilty that he wants to stay with me and envisions a bright and happy future, but I am unable to envision the same. I feel guilty for saying "yes" when he proposed and saying "I do" in front of our families and friends 10 months ago.

 

I have never cheated on my husband while we were dating or engaged. I've met many men in the past years and have always remained faithful. I truly thought about my actions when I met this OM. I thought very hard about everything. And I know it's typical of those who have affairs to say "but there's just something about him...I've met my soulmate." I wouldn't say I know him well enough to say he is my "soulmate," but what I do know is that he and I understand each other extremely well and I've never felt this way before. That is something I can say with much conviction. He makes me feel special and my husband never did. I've known the other man now for 8 months and I haven't made a decision either way. Selfish, I know. The OM wont give up despite me trying to end it with him many many times. Meanwhile, my husband is trying everything he can to make this marriage work, but I think my feelings for him left a long time ago...I feel sad for him, for us, for our families.

 

I see the pain in his eyes and feel the pain in his words, but then I remember the times he called me a "dumb bitch," a "cow," when he left my birthday for 2 hours to smoke on the patio with his friends, when he wouldn't let me have a second piece of bread at Christmas, when he wouldn't come to my family member's funeral because he didn't feel like it, when he told me to "shut the **** up," when we violently fought 2 days before our wedding, when he spoiled the surprise birthday party I had for him because he thought it was funny...he drained my energy, my patience and my love for him long before I met the OM. I feel bad that he has finally seen his mistakes and is making every possible effort to change. So I am always stuck between staying in this marriage because I made that commitment and because I feel sad for him vs moving on after less than a year because I know the future may not be happy for either of us.

[Marc878]

The marriage already ended. There's nothing there.

[SevenCity]

You seem to be very concerned about yourself in this situation.

 

The good news is, the correct course of action is the best for both of you:

 

Tell him about the affair and end it. He'll find out anyway so it's better to come clean.

That and the marriage was over before it started.

[DKT3]

Sad story, but her words are ripped right from the wayward wife handbook. He he he he is horrible, I did everything to make it work then boom appears my knight in shining armor to save me from this unhappy life.

 

Yet you hang on to the marriage and your husband...why?

[ptrl0362]

Sad story, but her words are ripped right from the wayward wife handbook. He he he he is horrible, I did everything to make it work then boom appears my knight in shining armor to save me from this unhappy life.

 

Yet you hang on to the marriage and your husband...why?

 

Because of guilt? I guess. Because I didn't give the marriage a chance? I can't say that I tried everything to make this marriage work. I was not looking for someone to "save me." I was unhappy but I came to terms with that being the life I chose for myself. I was not looking to cheat. I was ready to be married, but it didn't go as imagined and expected.

 

If I didn't stray, would everyone be telling me to stay in an unhappy marriage? Would everyone be telling me to work on it? Am I only looked upon badly in this situation because I cheated or did I fail at being a wife regardless?

[DKT3]

Sad story, but her words are ripped right from the wayward wife handbook. He he he he is horrible, I did everything to make it work then boom appears my knight in shining armor to save me from this unhappy life.

 

Yet you hang on to the marriage and your husband...why?

 

Because of guilt? I guess. Because I didn't give the marriage a chance? I can't say that I tried everything to make this marriage work. I was not looking for someone to "save me." I was unhappy but I came to terms with that being the life I chose for myself. I was not looking to cheat. I was ready to be married, but it didn't go as imagined and expected.

 

If I didn't stray, would everyone be telling me to stay in an unhappy marriage? Would everyone be telling me to work on it? Am I only looked upon badly in this situation because I cheated or did I fail at being a wife regardless?

The cheating is horrible, it truly sucks being on the receiving end....but the worst thing your doing is allowing him to work his tail off to make you happy when you've totally given up on him, it's cruel and abusive.

 

Would people e saying these things not for the affair? Nope, but there is a huge difference. One it would have shown you were feed up with the marriage and not simply looking for in your mind an upgrade. Adding another person to the mix creates confusion and faulty feeling on both sides. You can't make clear honest decisions. You slowly start to change the actual marriage to one that absolves you of guilt.

[Clay]

Its all about you OP. Just ask yourself if your husband was doing the same thing to you and you were doing all you could to save your marriage how would you feel? Just take one second out of your day and think. Why not just end this marriage. What is so wrong with letting him go find the love he deserves. You already are working toward what you want why not just give your husband the same chance. Even if you stayed in this marriage what makes you think you would ever stop cheating. There is a reason people say once a cheater always a cheater. It is because in most cases its the truth. If you want to change its simple. Give your husband the truth and end your affair. Even if you both divorce in the end it will give you both time to heal on your own without outside influences.

 

Tell your husband and get a divorce.

 

C

[ptrl0362]

So after pretty much a year of living two separate lives, I finally admitted everything to my husband on Friday.

 

Prior to my admission, we had begun to live separately at the beginning of November because we were having so many issues while living together: adjusting to living together, arguments about finance and chores, disrespect and of course my underlying secret as another problem subconsciously affecting our marriage. He actually took the first step to move out and told me to tell my parents asap that we were ending this or he would. I followed his instructions. We are both back with our parents.

 

After a couple of weeks of not speaking, he reached out to rebuild things and to move in. I was unsure because I knew the truth of this year. (I've been having an affair with another man since January - two months after being married). I was stuck in limbo knowing I had to do one of the following three things: 1) Get back with him and break if off with the OM, harbor that secret

for the rest of my life 2) Separate and never admit to my affair 3) Tell the truth and go from there. I decided with #3.

 

I thought I'd feel differently after telling the truth, but it's killing me to have hurt him. He is in so much pain. I knew he deserved to know this whole year, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. But I have. I wasn't expecting relief because that's selfish. I didn't tell him to be absolved of guilt. I told him because I knew it was the right thing to do. And although he was horrible to me for the majority of our relationship which he even admits and regrets, I still don't feel good about this. Not that I expected to feel good, but I expected a different feeling. Not sure what.

 

I have an overwhelming desire to mend his heart and to fix this. But I know that's my nature and that's what has kept me in this relationship for so many years. We would break up and he would be so so sad and I would fall for it and give in. We would continue that cycle until we got married.

 

I've upset so our families by my choices this year. I don't want to justify my actions because cheating does not solve anything. But for years I protected him and his reputation when he made me cry daily over his emotional abuse. He was one person to me and another in front of my parents. But I guess I married him despite it all...now I have to deal with the consequences.

 

So, the advice I need is: If he is willing, do I try to make things work? Even if he isn't willing, do I still try my hardest to rebuild? Or do I reassess and decide if this marriage with him is what I really want if I was willing to make the choices I made this year.

 

How do I decide what the best course of action is....

 

Thank you!

Edited December 19, 2016 by ptrl0362

[Giacomo67]

set yourself and him free. you clearly dont love him as a wife should do.

let him try to rebuild his future with someone else, and that you may find happyness also with someone who does not emotionaly abuse you.

[Marc878]

Too much damage to early. End this no matter what. There was never a marriage to begin with so there is nothing to fix.

 

You stbxh will be fine after a year or two. No contact after the D is best for you both. Moving on will be much faster and easier that way.

[oldshirt]

So, the advice I need is: If he is willing, do I try to make things work? Even if he isn't willing, do I still try my hardest to rebuild? Or do I reassess and decide if this marriage with him is what I really want if I was willing to make the choices I made this year.

 

How do I decide what the best course of action is....

 

 

If you were to "try to make things work," the first step would have to be to go 100% NC for life with the OM.

 

Anything other than that would be doomed to fail because with you getting your thrills and your strokes from the OM, you will always have this dissatisfaction, disconnect and resentment towards your H.

 

You can't love, respect, admire or desire your H while you are getting all your lovins and thrills from your OM.

 

Assuming your H will even have you in the first place, you would basically have to start the marriage from scratch because you have been involved with the OM and have been disconnecting from your H since getting back from your honeymoon.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, the advice I need is: If he is willing, do I try to make things work? Even if he isn't willing, do I still try my hardest to rebuild? Or do I reassess and decide if this marriage with him is what I really want if I was willing to make the choices I made this year.

 

None of the above options can be assessed - by you or anyone else - without understanding what the current status and future plans are for your extramarital affair. You can't "try", doesn't matter if your husband is "willing" and you'll never fairly "reassess" if you're still cheating.

 

Are you still seeing your OM?

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

 

Anything other than that would be doomed to fail because with you getting your thrills and your strokes from the OM, you will always have this dissatisfaction, disconnect and resentment towards your H.

 

You can't love, respect, admire or desire your H while you are getting all your lovins and thrills from your OM.

 

.

 

One of the great fallacies of infidelity is that people grow discontent and dissatisfied with their marriage and spouse and thusly become entangled in affair when things "just happen" with the AP.

 

The truth however is that affairs follow a very standard and predictable pattern. The WS gets a strong attraction response for the AP and as they become more involved with the AP and as they get flooded with horny and feel-good hormones with the AP, they begin to develop the discontents, dissatisfactions and resentments towards their spouse.

 

As the A gets more involved and more passionate, they develop actual animosity towards the spouse for keeping them from being able to be with the AP all the time.

 

The WS begins to do a very standard and very predictable thing called "rewriting history" where they begin to think that they were never in love with and never compatible with the BS and that the entire relationship with the BS was a mistake.

 

You have been following this script to the letter. You have been a textbook example.

 

You have the cart in front of the horse and have it all backwards. You believe your issues with your husband began before the A and believe your marriage was a mistake and that your marital issues and resentments towards your H are contributing factors that lead to your affair.

 

But that is all likely backwards. It is likely your attraction to the OM and your affair and involvement with him, likely lead to your discontent and disconnect and resentment towards your H. Your A poisoned your marriage.

 

This is why any thoughts of reconciliation while still involved with the OM is completely unrealistic. It would be like trying to put out a house fire by spraying gasoline on the flames.