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I never thought I'd be here


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I was so proud of our marriage. We had it so easy. None of the drama or fighting that we hear about in other relationships. Just happy to spend our lives together.

 

Then out of the blue on May 14th, she drops a bombshell on me. Fighting back tears, she tells me she has come to the conclusion—and assures me that's what it is, a final conclusion—that we should get divorced.

 

We just bought a house 6 months ago. We just had an amazing vacation with her parents. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was beside myself, watching me ask her "why?"

 

I struggled to make sense of her attempts to explain how she reached this conclusion. She had had thoughts for about a year, but never said anything, trying to "protect" me. On her own, she made a list of issues and possible solutions. I'm not immediately supportive/understanding of her decisions. I'm stuck in a mediocre job with no ambition to improve myself. We've grown stagnant and stuck in our daily routines. She's tired of being the adult and making all the decisions while I'm just along for the ride. She wants to be single. She doesn't want anyone to factor into her decisions but herself. She doesn't want obligation or commitment (anymore; 4 years ago we took vows!).

 

I'm powerless to do anything. This is her plan. She is incredibly smart and knows how to set a goal, break it into steps and never deviate from her plan until the goal is reached. This is how she lost over 100 lbs and got weight loss surgery to keep it off and recently completed her first half marathon and is already training for a full marathon. Meanwhile she says that as she has improved herself and I haven't, she feels like we've grown apart. (I'm already ideal weight and have run a 5K... she must be talking about improvement in other areas.)

 

The most painful part is that she says it comes down to a matter of want. The marriage can't be saved because that requires both of us to want to work on it. She just doesn't want to.

 

How can she throw it all away? We've shared so much life together for so many years, before and after getting married.

 

I tried to ask her what she'll do as a single person that's so much better than what we have. She can't tell me anything specific. She just wants to be free and irresponsible and see what happens.

 

I've been trying to deal with the grief for over 2 weeks now. I started seeing a therapist (she went along the first time) and he said in some ways for me this is worse than grieving a death because the person is still here.

 

I miss holding her hand. I miss having a companion. I miss being part of her plans. Now we're just roommates sharing a house until it's sold. She was my reason for living. Now she's abandoning me with no clear cause and I don't know what to do.

 

My family and friends all say what she's doing doesn't make sense. But they assure me I have lots to live for and offer to someone else who will appreciate a supportive husband for the long term. Meanwhile, her family and friends all think she's doing the right thing. I can't imagine how this feels right to anybody.

 

That's my story. Looking for support wherever I can.

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90% chance she is having an affair and THAT is the real reason she wants out.

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Whatever her goal is now must not have existed before six months ago since she wouldn't have been real smart then buying a house w/ you.

 

How old are both of you?

 

Has she brought up these thoughts she has about problems in the marriage at all before May 14?

 

Do you honestly think there's any truth in the problems that she's blaming on you?

 

You know, from what you posted about her being smart and working toward her goals, it doesn't make sense for her to say you are the problem in the marriage yet never have made an attempt to discuss this w/ you until after she reached her conclusion to end the marriage.

 

I think there must be something else influencing her decision and CarrieT may very well be right.

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My husband left me in a similar way (and it turned out it was bc of an OW) after 25 years of marriage. I said I didn't understand bc I felt like we were the happiest we'd ever been and he said, "I know, that made me wonder if I could be even happier." None of it made any sense to me and I was devestated. The bottom line tho is its over, you will pick yourself up and move forward and you will be ok.

 

When we broke up I couldn't see anything good in my future, and my life is not perfect now, but I am so thankful and amazed by how happy I am now and how much better everything is without him.

 

My advice is to really start doing for you. Build yourself the best life for you, especially make sure you have a supportive social circle. For me that meant shoring up old bonds, making new friends, new activities which came with a great community, and a ton of dating. And be kind to yourself.

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Maybe 1% chance she's having an affair. She has had no changes to her work schedule or strange unaccountable time away. And she's not even pushing for divorce papers until after the house sells and we've moved out.

 

I'm 38 and she's 37. She did not bring up any of these thoughts before May 14 because she thought she was doing the right thing by protecting me. Now she sees that was a mistake and she regrets it. She thinks if she had involved me in the process earlier, it may not have changed the outcome, but at least I would be in the same place mentally. (She's already resigned, while this is still brand new to me and I have to fight it.)

 

She describes it as she fought a long hard battle with herself for a year and lost. If it took her a year to concede to defeat, it will probably take me at least 3. :(

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It still doesn't make sense.

 

How can she make a list of issues and possible solutions, (all of which are blamed on you) and struggle over it for a year yet never mention it to you in order to protect you.(?)

 

And, if she sees her mistake now and really regrets it then shouldn't that sort of reset this whole issue and make her conclusion null and void?

 

I think there's much more to this than she is telling you.

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I felt very strongly the my husband had go e through some similar behind the scenes struggle, without including me. He also realized after the fact that it was a ****ty thing to do to me. And it was. I felt very cheated that there was nothing I could do bc in his head it was all done. But to tell you the truth, it's now pretty clear that he just wanted to get with the OW. I don't believe he'd been struggling with us, just struggling with how to get out of it to be w her.

 

In the long run tho, the way she did it won't be that important. It's where you go from here.

 

Another piece of advice... no wallowing! When you're feeling bad or lonely figure out a way to make it better in the moment and how to avoid it in the future. I found that music was important to me -- I made sure not to have depressing music on when I couldn't handle it, and upbeat stuff when I needed it. Sometimes it took upbeat music plus a strenuous workout. Or really cleaning up my space and making it feel good. Getting out in the sun.

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Not all of it is blamed on me... Also on the list were things like she wants to be more social and make her own friends, as opposed to only doing things with my friends from college twice a year. So I asked her what's stopping her from doing that... she said she's already working on it... she joined a MeetUp group for adults without kids and she had her sister introduce her to some of her friends.

 

And no, regretting the mistake of including me earlier doesn't change the conclusion that she already reached.

 

I do feel like there's more she isn't telling me, but she assures me that she's trying to not "protect" me anymore. Since that's one of the things on the list, she's trying to stop doing it. Not to save our marriage, but to improve herself as an individual.

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Ahh, sounds like the classic mid life crisis to me. At 37 perhaps a couple of years early, but its only a social 'average' that this hits at mid forties, some it hits later, some earlier.

 

This is a killer, and only a woman would ever say it: "I'm stuck in a mediocre job with no ambition to improve myself."

 

I mean, as a man, whenever I hear women say things like this its a serious "WTF" moment for me.

 

Could easily write a big long page on this stuff, but its going to boil down to the same thing ... I doubt you'll talk your way through to changing her mind. Though you've been given a long list of improvements you -should- make (geez!), honestly, its not got anything to do with any of that.

 

She wants to get 'out there', have sex with other men make new and different friends and change her life entirely - whilst this is utterly cliche, insofar as mid-life crises go, it doesn't make it any easier to bear.

 

Mine got brought on by a divorce in my early forties (not the other way around) and I now live a life utterly unlike my previous one.

 

Its biologies last gasp at doing something different before we hit the grave - in reality the last gasp is really about having a last chance at a child with a different DNA mix.

 

Anyway, I wish you all the best and hope you two can stay amicable as it will be the best way forward for both of you ... to not destroy each other either maliciously or otherwise and to be able to move on with your lives.

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Some more backstory... her sister (let's call her Amy) left her husband last year for another man. And they have four kids. My wife has been very close with her sister their entire lives, but this really upset her and she felt like Amy just completely changed and this really tested their relationship. She felt like she almost hated Amy for what she did to her husband and kids, and the way in which she did it... demonizing him when he's really the greatest guy. And also how she treated us (we let her and her 4 kids stay in our old house with us even while we were trying to sell it to move into this one... and Amy took us very much for granted while she focused on her new man, which she hid from us for a long time).

 

Now, after May 14th, suddenly my wife felt the need to apologize to her sister because now she knows what she must have been dealing with. She still despises the methods that Amy used and how she treated people, but sympathizes with the internal conflict.

 

So that's another reason I doubt there is any affair. She wouldn't criticize her sister for doing something and then do the same thing to me.

 

As for the wallowing, my therapist told me to steer the boat into the wave of emotions, not away. So if wallowing is what's on the menu, that's what I have to do. I feel like it would be unhealthy to distract myself. I have tried that a few times... visiting my college friends for a while, and it works while I'm there, but when I get back home it all just hits me again. I think I just need to work through it and not procrastinate with distractions.

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This is a killer, and only a woman would ever say it: "I'm stuck in a mediocre job with no ambition to improve myself."

 

I mean, as a man, whenever I hear women say things like this its a serious "WTF" moment for me.

 

She has a higher paying job than I do, so it's not a WTF moment for me... I totally get her perspective. In many ways the traditional gender roles in our marriage are reversed. But I had no problem with that. Maybe she did? She's tired of being the adult...

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She has a higher paying job than I do, so it's not a WTF moment for me... I totally get her perspective. In many ways the traditional gender roles in our marriage are reversed. But I had no problem with that. Maybe she did? She's tired of being the adult...

No, she's tired of being the man, and she wants a real one.

 

The fantasy of women is to be in a situation of dominated by a man who love them.

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She has a higher paying job than I do, so it's not a WTF moment for me... I totally get her perspective. In many ways the traditional gender roles in our marriage are reversed. But I had no problem with that. Maybe she did?

 

Maybe? Her actions would say definitely.

 

I'm not immediately supportive/understanding of her decisions. I'm stuck in a mediocre job with no ambition to improve myself. We've grown stagnant and stuck in our daily routines. She's tired of being the adult and making all the decisions while I'm just along for the ride.

 

I'm going to guess you missed more than a few signs of discontent along the way. Is she open to MC if you'll make an honest effort to change?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'm going to guess you missed more than a few signs of discontent along the way.

 

She tried very hard not to give me any such signs. The biggest point of tension in this past year was a few months ago when we were talking about her weight loss surgery (VSG). In explaining why I would have never done that for myself, especially in her situation where she had previously shown that she could lose the weight on her own, she misunderstood that to mean I still didn't believe it was a good decision for her despite the positive results. But we talked that out and I explained how I agreed it was the right decision for her. Of course looking back on that now, I recognize that it was a sign that surfaced through her layer of protection.

 

And I definitely noticed a little stagnation within the prior few weeks, but I now attribute that to her building up the courage to break the news to me. If she hadn't, I was nearing the point of asking her if something is wrong, but I still didn't think it was much of an issue. Relationships have ups and downs. I'm willing to ride out the downs because the ups are worth it. I'm not saying I've settled, but that perfection is unrealistic. I wouldn't question an entire relationship just because of a few weeks of routine life.

 

Is she open to MC if you'll make an honest effort to change?

 

She was open to counseling only with the goal of helping me manage my grief, not the goal of saving the marriage. She went to the first session with me. She knows I'm willing to change but for her that's not the issue. The counselor said the question she needs to think about is... if he could snap his fingers and suddenly I'm changed and everything on the list that pertains to me goes away, does she still want to be in that relationship? He didn't ask her to answer right there but clearly her answer is no. She doesn't want to be in any relationship.

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She tried very hard not to give me any such signs.

 

Do you think she'd agree with this statement? Not being argumentative but the resentment and dissatisfaction she describes with your approach rarely ferments in complete silence. You might have have to be open to the idea that you were in denial and, in her eyes, less than connected. She didn't wake up one day and decide she was done with the marriage. Something to think about as owning this part of the relationship breakdown might be important as things play out.

 

It ain't over til it's over :cool: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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She said almost those exact words to me, so yes she would agree.

 

I wasn't in denial... more like bliss. She kept me ignorant of any signs of trouble.

 

She pretty much DID decide one day. For a year she was trying to figure out how to fix the issues she had identified. It wasn't until the day before she told me that she decided she was done. Again, those are her words.

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She said almost those exact words to me, so yes she would agree.

 

I wasn't in denial... more like bliss. She kept me ignorant of any signs of trouble.

 

She pretty much DID decide one day. For a year she was trying to figure out how to fix the issues she had identified. It wasn't until the day before she told me that she decided she was done. Again, those are her words.

 

When my ex-wife broke up with me out of the blue I was as dumbfounded as you. She also said that she'd been dealing with our problems in secret, crying alone, etc, etc. She had someone else. Her daily habits hadn't changed a bit. I didn't notice anything at all except the last week or two.

 

Every case is different, but my honest opinion is she's telling bull****. In any event, if she detected problems, why not try to work on them together instead of hiding it from you, mourning the relationship on her own and preventing you from solving some of those flaws? It sounds incredibly selfish, to say the least. Although it's probably a lie. And hey, she has a better paying job. So what? If she puts professional life before feelings, you'll be better off in the long term.

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Definitely selfish. But I'm the same way... that's part of why we didn't want kids. We're both selfish with our time. But she's also being selfish in terms of making this decision based on what's best for her. In her words: commitment, obligation and sadness over separation are bad reasons to continue a relationship. The only valid reason is to want it.

 

In a recent conversation while I was in an episode of depression she told me I was being melodramatic; "you're not the first person to have their heart broken." I didn't have a good response at the time, but I've realized a few things. Firstly she used the wrong word; my heart isn't what's broken. We still love each other. What she broke is my life (and soon her vows). Second, those sound like words one would use in a high school break-up, not 4 years into marriage after a decade of being together. If there's an affair or something like abuse that just makes it impossible to stay with a person, then divorce makes more sense. But it really feels like she thinks she just dated me for 2 weeks in high school and decided to end it.

 

I can see why so many here think there has to be someone else. What other explanation could there be? But with everything she's said and everything I know about her, that doesn't add up. A more likely scenario would be she's losing her job soon, so she's kicking me out into a life boat before she goes down with the ship. But even that is far-fetched because she could get another job so easily. So even more likely than that is she's simply telling the truth.

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LifesontheUp
Not all of it is blamed on me... Also on the list were things like she wants to be more social and make her own friends, as opposed to only doing things with my friends from college twice a year. So I asked her what's stopping her from doing that... she said she's already working on it... she joined a MeetUp group for adults without kids and she had her sister introduce her to some of her friends.

 

The above, the sister and her weight loss surgery is your problem. She may not have met anyone yet or she may have already. But she is planning on living the life without you, expanding her horizons and also meeting other men.

 

Sorry but from what you wrote she has made her mind up. And I can't see that is going to change. I think she is giving you a life raft - you may not think it now, but in time to come you will realise that you are better off without her. Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't want to give it her all?

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All the signs are there that she has another man - I'm going through a seperation after 21 years with my wife - at first she told me she just didn't love me any more - then 2 weeks ago she told me she was seeing another man, ( who she works with ), for 2 months but had been '' talking and getting emotional support '' from him since January . Sometimes life's a bitch - she actually told me on my birthday in March that I was and had been the perfect husband !

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I'm sure my biggest roadblock is lack of self confidence.

 

I've never set a major life goal for myself and achieved it. Someone has always guided me toward or handed me every opportunity... education, relationships, dwelling and employment. I achieve smaller goals, like learning a complex piece of music on the piano or writing a shell script to collect IP camera snapshots to make a time lapse of the sunset. I'm a worker bee. I need a queen bee.

 

Since I lack the social skills to "put myself out there" and meet people, I thought I had won the lottery when I found out she was interested in me.

 

So that's a big part of why I can't let go. I have zero confidence in my ability to rebuild what I'm about to lose... unless by winning the lottery again. I don't like those odds.

 

And confidence is basically #1 on the list of positive traits people look for when dating. So that hurts my chances even more.

 

You're probably right about the life raft... and I just remembered that almost happened once before. At one point she was having medical issues that doctors thought might be symptoms of M.S., and she suggested splitting up so I wouldn't have to take care of her as her condition declines. Fortunately it wasn't M.S..

 

I don't rule out the possibility of feeling better off in time... I just can't see the light at the end of that tunnel yet. I don't even know where the tunnel entrance is.

Edited by thwack
forgot "dwelling"
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All the signs are there that she has another man

 

...or woman.

 

Sorry to hear what you're going through. It must be even harder after that long.

 

At this point I almost hope there really is someone else... that would put the logical side of my brain at ease. But then the emotional side of my brain could never speak to her again because nobody could possibly be a bigger hypocrite, even in politics.

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AMarriedMan
This is how she lost over 100 lbs and got weight loss surgery to keep it off

 

This is the key if your wife has been obese all her adult life. Was she obese when you met her? When a woman in her late thirties loses that much weight and manages to keep it off, her monkey brain might think she can do much better than the man whose commitment she got before the great weight loss and that this is her last chance.

 

Your wife thinks her value on the marriage market now exceeds yours by such a large margin that divorcing you and trying her luck on the free market is now her best option. I'm assuming you don't have kids because you don't mention any.

 

She also says she finds your lack of ambition disturbing. I'm guessing that now that she's lean, she thinks she can find a new husband who has a more impressive career (= more $$$$).

 

Women tend to love men like men love their cars. A man may have feelings of attachment towards his old rust bucket, but if his wealth suddenly increases, he will quickly find himself perusing ads for newer models. Men value women based on their youth and beauty and may trade in for a younger model. But society has always acknowledged this problem and put up effective safeguards against this to secure the financial interests of the wife and to punish the husband.

Edited by AMarriedMan
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When I first met her she was average weight, but we didn't immediately start dating; she chose someone else. Our timing was off. While she was with other guys for several years, that's when she gained the weight. A few years after she got together with me, her beloved sister-in-law who was also overweight died suddenly from a blood clot entering her lungs. This inspired her to work on her own health and lose weight.

 

I don't think she's trying to trade up. That would require her to still want a husband in the first place. She doesn't want a partner of any kind. At least for now. She couldn't say never, so she said maybe down the road she will choose to try having a partner again, but that's so far away at this point she's not even thinking about it.

 

But she also said even if I fixed all the issues she identified... if I became the perfect husband... she still just doesn't want any partner. That's an issue on her side that I can't do anything about.

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GorillaTheater
She is incredibly smart and knows how to set a goal, break it into steps and never deviate from her plan until the goal is reached. This is how she lost over 100 lbs and got weight loss surgery to keep it off and recently completed her first half marathon and is already training for a full marathon.

 

 

When did she complete the weight loss?

 

 

This got my attention because it's something I've seen before: the man or woman who vastly improves their appearance and becomes agog over all the new attention from the opposite sex ... and opportunities.

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