1/2 the time I wish I was single

[Selfishwife]

This probably sounds dumb but lately I wish not to be married! I have had this feeling many times but somehow try to excuse it away like I'm just moody, or depressed or etc. my husband is a good guy but I don't feel for him what he feels for me. He loves me no matter what and tells me all the time!Why is that not good enough though?

 

I have only a few issues with him and if he were to list my issues I am sure they would be a long list. He is sometimes lazy and I feel like I have to ask him multiple times to do things like cut grass, service our cars, errands that he has expressily said he wanted to do. If I do them he gets mad at me but I don't want to nag I feel like if I have to ask you multiple times than I mid as well do it myself. We recently bought a bigger home which I was scared to do because I have MS and its a lot more upkeep. He's been so unreliable when it comes to doing work. I told him I need more help and he agrees and says absolutely but yet nothing!!!

 

I resent him for this! It kinda plays out in all aspects too, I pull away from hugs, kisses and just want left alone. He is much healthier and fit than I but just seems dense. I recently found out I was also anemic and that very day he watched me clean the entire house and did just a few little jobs. My ms does affect my mood so I am quiet a lot but he is alway taking things apart and than suddenly they are broke and I got a house full of half assed working appliances. I know its better than a cheating, drunk spouse but its really killing the love. I just don't know how to handle this other than how I have thus far but talking to him about it. He just doesn't seem to get it

[Mr. Lucky]

Does he work full time? Do you?

 

Would have to have more detail about the responsibilities you both have...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Selfishwife]

We both work full time jobs! His job is 4 days with 3 off but they are 10 days! He is a Diesel Mechanic. My job is 5- 8 hour days. I am a nurse!

 

In our marriage its pretty much always been I cook, clean and do laundry. His stuff has always been maintaining the cars, yardwork and fixing anything in the house. Typically there would not be much to fix but this move has changed that.

 

He also does dishes if I cook. On the rare occasional he cooks I do the dishes. I don't feel like its unbalanced and working 10 hours a day doing what he does is hard work so I don't expect much if anything on those days but on a day off its frustrating to come home and see nothing that needed done got done or he did half the yard.

 

He wasn't this bad in our other house or maybe since it was smaller and already all fixed up I just didnt notice. But I have kinda always noticed he is very slow at getting stuff done. Which irritates me. For ex the grass was small at our old house and it seemed to take him all day to do it. I did it a few times when he was away and it took me an hour not 5.

 

I guess I seem mean but for some reason its really getting on my nerves lately and feel like its a deal breaker. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just picking him apart as a way out. I'm surrounded with family and friends that love him and think he's perfect and that my gripes are stupid and I should suck it up. Its so bad that when he fell asleep on the couch last night I was glad that I had the bed to myself?

[sandylee1]

You seem to have a lot of resentment , but your gripes are really run of the mill stuff. You can get round this by hiring someone to do the yard work and other jobs round the house. As much as we might think men should do those jobs, I honestly don't think all men are good at them and don't like to admit it.

 

My husband is pretty good with those things but a friend of mine says her husband never completes jobs properly so she resorted to getting handymen to do stuff.

 

Perhaps he also wants to rest on his days off as well. I know the jobs need doing, but if all other aspects of your marriage are good then I'd say you can work it out.

[Mr. Lucky]

You seem to have a lot of resentment , but your gripes are really run of the mill stuff.

 

Agreed. I probably wouldn't be 100% satisfied with what you describe but few are. I'd guess my spouse could come up with a similar list if pressed.

 

Is there something else going on ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Els]

You seem to have a lot of resentment , but your gripes are really run of the mill stuff. You can get round this by hiring someone to do the yard work and other jobs round the house. As much as we might think men should do those jobs, I honestly don't think all men are good at them and don't like to admit it.

 

This is true, but in that case surely he could do some of the cooking, cleaning and laundry instead. It's understandable that the OP is upset that she's doing most things around the house, if both of them are working full-time.

 

If he isn't able to pull his weight around his house, perhaps he could pay for a cleaner to help you out, OP?

[oldshirt]

He just doesn't seem to get it

 

 

 

My wife could have written this word for word a few years ago. In fact other than the MS I would be worried you were her writing about me!!

 

 

The catch here is that he doesn't get it. And I know he doesn't because I was him a few years ago.

 

 

The issue here is you two speak different love languages. Your love language is "Acts of Service". Since he doesn't do the things around the house that are important to you, you feel disrespected and unappreciated by him. that in turn causes you to disconnect from him and you lose respect for him. Women cannot desire men who they do not respect or do not feel respected by and appreciated so that is why your intimate life has suffered.

 

 

So how do you get him to get it????

 

 

That is a tough one because he probably thinks he is a great husband (I know I did, even though my wife was getting ready to head out) .

 

 

You are basically going to have to blow something up.

 

 

I don't mean literally or physically of course, but you are going to have to do sthing big and drastic that rocks his sense of security to get him to wake up and take notice of what is really going on.

 

 

This may seem drastic but as someone that was in that situation, my suggestion is to tell him quite frankly that you are very dissatisfied with your marriage and with him and that you want to separate.........AND THEN DO IT.

 

 

Yes, move out. Separate. Pack your stuff and leave.

 

 

If he wants to remain married and doesn't want the divorce, and you think there is an ounce of chance to save the marriage - then only agree to consider it if he agrees to professional marital counseling and spell it all out in counseling and the counselor may be able to get through to him and help him understand the gravity of the situation and the importance of getting off of his butt and taking care of his home and his wife with health issues.

 

 

You are going to have to pull the rug out from under him for him to get this.

 

 

It may take sitting in an empty house with his wife gone before he sees the light.

[oldshirt]

Now to be fair, you are missing some things and not understanding the gravity of the situation yourself.

 

 

Like I said in my previous post, this is a love language issue.

 

 

What is his love language? (if you don't know, then you need to find out ASAP)

 

 

The chances are, he is showing you his love and devotion for you, but he is doing it in his love language and you are getting it. You two are basically speaking two different languages and aren't connecting.

 

 

My wife and I went through this. Her language was acts of service like yours and mine was physical touch and words of affirmation.

 

 

Even though I was very affectionate and cuddly and telling her how much she meant to me, she wasn't hearing it or getting it because I was slacking on fixing the leaking pipes and pulling the weeds in the driveway.

 

 

To her, she didn't really care if I told her I loved he and didn't care if I cuddled her on the couch or rubbed her feet, what was critical to her was that I was taking care of our home and taking care of the business of running a home and family.

 

 

And she was showing her love by doing things for our home and family and taking care of business, but I wasn't getting that because she wasn't physically affectionate (or sexual at that time) and she wasn't verbally expressive.

 

 

so we each thought the other person didn't care and didn't respect or appreciate the other and each of us was getting very dissatisfied, frustrated and getting ready to throw in the towel.

 

 

We each had to learn each other's love languages and learn to communicate in each others love language and we each had to do what the other needed to feel loved, respected and appreciated.

[oldshirt]

 

so we each thought the other person didn't care and didn't respect or appreciate the other and each of us was getting very dissatisfied, frustrated and getting ready to throw in the towel.

 

 

We each had to learn each other's love languages and learn to communicate in each others love language and we each had to do what the other needed to feel loved, respected and appreciated.

 

 

 

We were each following the Golden Rule, which is 'treat others as you would want them to treat you."

 

 

The problem is, in marriage you need to follow the Platinum Rule which is, "treat others the way THEY want to be treated."

 

 

The way you want to be treated is to have him take his household chores and maintenance seriously and to get it done and get it done well and on a timely basis.

 

 

The problem is he doesn't "Get it" and when you keep telling him about it, it is just coming off as nagging and harping and background noise.

 

 

You have to do something to jolt him into reality and get him to hear you clearly and grasp the gravity of the situation.

 

 

That may need him to realize that this truly is eroding your love and affection for him and making you question the survival of your marriage.

 

 

It may very well take actually leaving him and separating for him to see the light.

[sandylee1]

This is true, but in that case surely he could do some of the cooking, cleaning and laundry instead. It's understandable that the OP is upset that she's doing most things around the house, if both of them are working full-time.

 

If he isn't able to pull his weight around his house, perhaps he could pay for a cleaner to help you out, OP?

 

It isn't fair that she does everything around the house.

 

If the OP is doing the cooking and cleaning, then that's taken care off. He needs to get the other stuff done either by doing it himself or he should pay to get it done.

 

The desired outcome is that the jobs get done at the end of the day.

. A lot of times what one spouse sees as urgent, the other doesn't and it can be very annoying.

 

My BIL isn't good at maintenance jobs around the house and my sister hates it. Things go unrepaired for a good while in their house, but he doesn't see it as a problem. At one point my dad actually told him something needed fixing as it was a danger and even offered to help pay for it.

 

The biggest problem is that my sister didn't have sufficient finances to just call someone to get the jobs done.

 

Maybe you could write down all the stuff that needs doing and get him to see it as a project and plan on how to complete the jobs and in what time frame. If some jobs are too tricky, then you can agree to get someone in to do them.