Should we stay together for the kids?

[J4jessi3]

So my spouse and I (we are actually just common law) have serious relationship issues. Due to previous arguments/repeated and extreme negative experiences in our sex life I no llonger want to be intimate with him... ever.

 

I actually don't even sleep in the bed in fear he'll try to touch me. He isn't physically abusive... emotionally somewhat but not in an extreme way. But now we have come to an impasse.

 

I refuse to force myself to sleep with him any longer when I don't want to, I have been doing this for over 2 years now, (so basically said no more sex ever) and he says he cannot live with a woman who won't sleep in his bed. That is completely fair. He deserves a partner who wants him. I have said as much. Yet he refuses to talk separation because he tells me it's going to destroy our kids, 2 & 4.

 

I come from a split home but it was better that my parents split. My dad was an abusive drunk. But am I being selfish? I don't know what to do. The thought of being intimate makes my stomach knot up and I really don't want to. Yet I feel terrible when he tears up accusing me of taking his son from him. I do not want to take his kids from him... him and I may be extremely disfunctional but he tries hard to be a good dad. It's killing me. I am confused and not sure what to do. I don't want to hurt my kids but right now my partner is suffering, greatly, because he needs love I cannot give him. I don't know if I can overcome all the things we have been through in order to make it work. I really feel terrible but I have no desire to anything more then friends... he is losing his temper every week with his pain and I take it because I am causing it but something has to change. I really cannot continue to force myself to be intimate anymore... and its just getting weird anyways because he can feel I don't want to but he pushes me to do it anyways because he needs it. So then afterwards he is immediately angry at me.

[PegNosePete]

It is better for the kids to have 2 happy homes than 1 unhappy one.

 

If your daughter were asking this question -- should she stay with a man she doesn't love and doesn't want to be with, "for the kids" -- how would you answer her?

[GorillaTheater]

If your daughter were asking this question -- should she stay with a man she doesn't love and doesn't want to be with, "for the kids" -- how would you answer her?

 

 

And I have another question: would you tell your kids that you spent 16+ years being miserable "for them"? That's one hell of a burden to place on your kids. Imagine how they'd feel about that as adults.

 

 

Some couples can pull this sort of thing off. They're estranged, but aren't necessarily miserable and the atmosphere isn't toxic. They deal, and the kids are none the wiser. But you guys don't sound like those couples.

[PegNosePete]

And when new bf/gf's come onto the scene it will add a whole new level of pain for everyone concerned.....

 

You might say you're not interested in anyone new, and so might he, but in 5 years, who knows? A LOT can change in 5 years.

 

No, much better to separate now and work together to find a mutually acceptable parenting schedule.

[mikeylo]

There are cases when staying together for kids is the better option But , this situation is not one of them. Split.

[Mr. Lucky]

I come from a split home but it was better that my parents split. My dad was an abusive drunk. But am I being selfish? I don't know what to do. The thought of being intimate makes my stomach knot up and I really don't want to. Yet I feel terrible when he tears up accusing me of taking his son from him. I do not want to take his kids from him... him and I may be extremely disfunctional but he tries hard to be a good dad. It's killing me. I am confused and not sure what to do. I don't want to hurt my kids but right now my partner is suffering, greatly, because he needs love I cannot give him. I don't know if I can overcome all the things we have been through in order to make it work. I really feel terrible but I have no desire to anything more then friends... he is losing his temper every week with his pain and I take it because I am causing it but something has to change. I really cannot continue to force myself to be intimate anymore... and its just getting weird anyways because he can feel I don't want to but he pushes me to do it anyways because he needs it. So then afterwards he is immediately angry at me.

 

Certainly agree with what others have said but, with what's at stake, I wonder what you've done to try and address the issues as a couple?

 

Why not try marriage counseling? It's a safe place to force your partner to hear what you have to say and understand how you feel. And for him, the reverse is also true. Many relationships have come back from the brink once real communication takes place.

 

Why not give it a shot???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Daisymae2016]

I am so sorry you and your children are in this situation. Your boyfriend may not be physically abusive, but he may be emotionally abusive and controlling. If he gets frustrated enough he may eventually become physically abusive.

 

You are certainly not happy and since you both are not married, you are able to just walk away. As time goes by, the situation won't improve. It will simply escalate. Nobody wins and somebody might get hurt.

 

It will take courage to stand up to him, and I suggest you surround yourself with family or friends. My prayers go out to you.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think PNP and GT hit the nail on the head.

 

When I was contemplating my own separation, my therapist told me that I should do it before my eldest child turned 9 years of age. Apparently there is some psychological change/development that happens after this age which makes major life changes much more difficult to process.

 

Your children are still quite young so if there was ever a time to separate with the least amount of "damage" it would be now.

 

Good luck.

[J4jessi3]

Thanks everyone. It's hard to make rational choices with my emotions in such a turmoil. I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply and sharing their thoughts. Change is scary and with children the fear of making the wrong choice is overwhelming so I really really do appreciate you guys replying to my post!

 

I think once he processes the anger, betrayal and hurt he really will be happier when he finds himself a women who truly wants to be with him in all ways. I just hope he can forgive me.

[PegNosePete]

I just hope he can forgive me.

Due to previous arguments/repeated and extreme negative experiences in our sex life I no llonger want to be intimate with him... ever.

You didn't reveal the nature of the arguments or repeated negative experiences is your sex life, but it sounds like he's just as much to blame as you, if not more. Why are you the one seeking his forgiveness? Shouldn't he be hoping that you'll forgive him rather than the other way around?

[J4jessi3]

You didn't reveal the nature of the arguments or repeated negative experiences is your sex life, but it sounds like he's just as much to blame as you, if not more. Why are you the one seeking his forgiveness? Shouldn't he be hoping that you'll forgive him rather than the other way around?

 

You are probably right. I guess I felt if I detailed the experiences it would really make him look bad and I didn't want to paint a picture of him with out anyone hearing his side. I have the nature to be very selfless when it comes to others and forget to count my feelings, or so friends tell me, I always thoughtI, the opposite, I felt I was selfish... which is part of why I came here. I figured if I was being selfish strangers would tell it to me straight when my friends or family wouldn't. You know. I really just want to do what's right.

[Conclude]

What would it take for you to rebuild intimacy with him? If there's no intimacy and no way to rekindle it, then all your issues might be symptoms of it. In "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" it talks about how some deep seated issues that you never addressed in your past can manifest and be projected onto your spouse, blaming them for what you are struggling with subconsciously. If that is the case, you should maybe look into figuring out if there is anything you never really addressed. Otherwise, if you guys just aren't getting along and it's too late, you've tried to fix it with sincere effort, but know you can't be happy, then it might be time to split.

[Mr. Lucky]

You are probably right. I guess I felt if I detailed the experiences it would really make him look bad and I didn't want to paint a picture of him with out anyone hearing his side.

 

You also don't detail the steps you've taken to fix the very real problems in your marriage.

 

Concern over the negative effects of divorcing and an unwillingness to proactively address the underlying issues seems like a strange and contradictory combination...

 

Mr. Lucky

[J4jessi3]

You also don't detail the steps you've taken to fix the very real problems in your marriage.

 

Concern over the negative effects of divorcing and an unwillingness to proactively address the underlying issues seems like a strange and contradictory combination...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

2 years ago suggested counselling... he is divorced and claimed he did counselling with his ex but it was pointless and he was pretty sure that was part of the reason for her leaving him. So he refused repeatedly. I have tried several times trying to express to him my feelings, my concerns. I have approached it from different angles, even doing everything his way for a time to see if it would help, hopefully softening his view to listen to what I had to say. ... He is pretty sure the only problem in the relationship is my lack of desire to be intimate and he simply states I just need to fix it. (That isn't an exaggeration or simplification, those are his words) ... it doesn't leave me with much to work with. If you have suggestions I am open to ideas.

 

And for the record I have looked into many articles and writings in regards to why women lose the desire to be intimate and have tried several different things to change the way I feel and react to it. Unfortunately (sorry for being vague but I don't want to go into detail) the nature of our past sexual experiences are a little overwhelming in the unpleasant side for me to seem to be able to let go of. I am not usually an over sensitive woman, at least no more than most I assume, but some things are just harder to forget than others.

 

Trust me the thought that I am giving up too soon plagues me constantly. Specially with kids involved.

[J4jessi3]

What would it take for you to rebuild intimacy with him? If there's no intimacy and no way to rekindle it, then all your issues might be symptoms of it. In "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" it talks about how some deep seated issues that you never addressed in your past can manifest and be projected onto your spouse, blaming them for what you are struggling with subconsciously. If that is the case, you should maybe look into figuring out if there is anything you never really addressed. Otherwise, if you guys just aren't getting along and it's too late, you've tried to fix it with sincere effort, but know you can't be happy, then it might be time to split.

 

We both definitely come with our own baggage. I suppose initially that's why we were drawn to each other. I was never a prude before, as I feel now like I am, but is the change in me because of my past or just my spouse and I are in constant conflict... I couldn't say for sure. I would be leaning to the latter but it's hard to judge a situation you are in yourself objectively sometimes. I wouldn't discount completely that's for sure. But I have no money for my own counselling at the moment.

 

However on the other hand no one has ever treated me the way he does... ever. My father treated my mother similarly mind you. And even though I was very small I know I saw it.

[Conclude]

I'm not an expert, but I can tell you about my own experience with my wife.

 

I have said some things to her in the heat of the moment that I wish I hadn't before. I've never called her any names or anything like that, but she has a way of contorting what I say to her into something different, and it's pushed me over the edge to the point of even cussing sometimes. In her defense, I can see at times how some of the conclusions she would come to could be reached, but even when confronting her about it and explaining that that isn't what I said at all, we still had our fallouts, and there are times in which I regret how I handled situations instead of just taking the high road.

 

I'm saying this, because none of us here are without our faults, and I wanted to show that I am not perfect. But something happened overnight when I married my wife, and intimacy almost dropped immediately. The effect that this had on me psychologically, compared to what it was before marriage, was devastating to say the least. I knew intimacy would drop off as our relationship went further, but this drop off was drastic.

 

As months became years, the effect it had on me, was going from buying her flowers on the odd day, leaving her sketches of flowers with notes other days, doing little I-love-you's all the time, massages, etc, to starting to build resentment on a subconscious level. I started picking up drinking on Fridays, more than I would have regularly over the years. I stopped doing as many nice things for her, I started escaping into computer games, and all this did was make the situation worse. Ultimately, it would end up with us starting to get into trivial arguments over stupid things. And then when it got serious, when something was effecting school work (new jobs) or when school work was effecting home life (house being a little messier), things just started escalating even more. We both tried to get through to each other, but our communication had been lacking severely with the pressures of school. I would never understand what she was trying to say to me, and she would just stonewall me.

 

I truly believe that her baggage is one of the main driving factors in our relationship issues. Her father cheated on her mother, her mother divorced her father, and then went on to remarry 3 more times, leaving her on the 4th marriage while she was in her last semester of highschool. Her mother abandoned her and told her that she could drop out if she wanted to.

 

My wife places the blame on me though for our separation, and I am not saying I am completely without faults. But I know she has never addressed these issues, at least not with professional help. This is one of the big reasons I truly believe a wedge was driven in our relationship. Your situation may be much different, but I just wanted to share this with you, in case you might be worrying about doing the wrong thing for your family.

 

Being a spouse and being a parent are both learning experiences, especially the first time, and all of us make mistakes. If we don't learn from the mistakes and keep making the same ones over and over without changing ourselves, then maybe we aren't cut out for either role. Sometimes we gotta dig really deep to see what the problem is, and take on a little humility with ourselves to make sure we aren't the problem ourselves.

 

In my situation, I don't blame my wife for where we are right now, I am upset with her choices, but I understand that both of us are human with our flaws. It doesn't really matter who started it, because both of us have acted less than desirably to each other at times. I've been in some pretty extensive counseling trying to understand if I was the problem. It got to the point of where my counselor told me I was blaming myself too much. At this point, for my wife, all I really truly care about is helping her to find out if she has some personal issues that she needs to address and let go. I want to do this to help her as the mother of my daughter, so that she can at least bring a stable home life for my daughter when she is with her. If it happens with me, well then I'll cross that bridge when I get there. But right now, she has some pretty extreme resentment built up that she can't let go of. It might be my fault, or it might have happened no matter what I did in our relationship.

 

For you, you're the only one that can know if you can forgive your husband and let go of resentment, or if you know you need to separate. Just make sure your pride isn't clouding your judgement, and make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

Edited May 21, 2016 by Conclude

[RocketQueen]

I think PNP and GT hit the nail on the head.

 

When I was contemplating my own separation, my therapist told me that I should do it before my eldest child turned 9 years of age. Apparently there is some psychological change/development that happens after this age which makes major life changes much more difficult to process.

 

Your children are still quite young so if there was ever a time to separate with the least amount of "damage" it would be now.

 

Good luck.

 

I work with children of this age and agree that age 8-9 is a pivotal year in their emotional and mental development, they become more self aware and compare themselves and their lives to each other. Age 9 is a common age for children who need extra support as 'stupid' or not as good as their friends.

 

On topic- I would say a resounding no, do not stay together for the sake of the children.

 

I came from a home where my parents argued constantly before finally splitting up when I was 14- my father ended up leaving the home after a physical fight with me after I stuck up for my mum. I was constantly on edge waiting for another argument before he left.

 

On the other hand, my Ex's parents stayed together for the sake of the kids. Never argued and stood united for the children while they were young. When they finally did separate my Ex was devastated (he was 15) and in his adulthood could not cope with any kind of disagreement, he saw arguments as a terrifying thing, he had never witnessed them and didn't know they are at times completely normal.

 

Either way, both me and my partner were f***ed up in different ways because our parents stayed together too long.

 

My children witnessed an unhealthy relationship with me and their father and I left when they were 5 & 7, we spoke a lot. I kept them informed as much as I felt necessary and I have two well rounded children of 14 and 16 who have suffered the loss of their father (due to alcoholism) and are able to talk about their feelings openly.

 

As parents we can't shield our children from upsetting times but it is our duty to help them deal with them the best we can.

 

Good Luck

[Mr. Lucky]

Trust me the thought that I am giving up too soon plagues me constantly. Specially with kids involved.

 

Then I'd make a final attempt, if for nothing else than your peace of mind in knowing you tried everything.

 

Find a counselor you like and make an appointment. Tell your husband the current situation is untenable, but for the sake of your children and history together you're willing to make one more try. And he can either join you in that effort or see you in divorce court - his choice.

 

I'd guess he won't participate but you'd then move forward with a clean conscience. Let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

how will your children be harmed if you two separate amicably?

 

 

No seriously, how will they be harmed? Make a list in what ways harm or detriment will come to them if this dysfunctional relationship dissolves.

 

 

Assuming that neither of you is abusive, neglectful or chemically addicted and assuming that both of you will be loving, supportive parents that won't abandon or neglect or abuse them - Other than the inconvenience of spending a number days at one parent's house and a number of days at the other's house, how will ending this dysfunctional relationship harm the children?

 

 

Make the list as long and comprehensive as you can. List everything that will harm them by your separation.