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When your wife asks for time to think, what happens when you give it?


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We have been married 2 yrs, dated for 4 before that.

We had a very traumatic time. My son who lives with my last wife lashed out and hurt them badly. I won't say they deserved it, but the judge kinda sentenced that way.

Anyway, thru the trial, the conviction and the probation, she took care of me and stood by us.

Then my son lashed out again.

This time she felt scared and left. Stayed with a friend 50 miles away.

Me, the dumbass, took it as she was leaving me. And I picked arguments with her out of my insecurity. I asked her if too much had passed and if we should just part as friends. The bottom line is last Sunday I questioned our relationship and she snapped.

 

The previous month, her dad was dying, and then her cat. Not to mention she is trying to complete her last year of Culinary School.

 

We talked breifly, but it was heated. Then we agreed to let things cool off. However, over the first few days, she wouldn't take my calls, texts etc. I blubbered and apologized. When she did respond it was only to say she was busy with school and to give her time to think. It has been 5 days since I have tried to contact her....

I know from all the other posts, that this is the end, but should I be the one to approach her with papers, or should I wait?

Edited by DanlT
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Are you saying your son from a previous marriage was convicted of physical crimes against your present wife?

 

That is some serious stuff. I can understand why she'd be scared.

 

I am loathe to tell you to pick a 2nd wife over a bio child but perhaps you can agree to always keep them apart. She needs physical security & can't have that kind of danger in her own home.

 

This has to be heartbreaking for you.

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You jump in head first, with all the vigor and energy one can muster. You swim around and enjoy your time in the water, you are on top of the world. Happy and thrilled with the refreshment of the waves against your body. But, alas, you are oblivious to the dangers that lurk in the waves.

 

You end up spending too much time in the water, it consumes you and you can’t seem to get enough of it. You try your hardest to get back to the boat, to the safety you had just minutes ago. There is nobody there to pull you up, nobody there to save you. You struggle in the water, you fight, you thrash. You call out, but no one is there to hear you, no one there to pull you back out, so you continue to fight for your life, your adrenaline is pumping.

 

You pull your head above water and you call out, you are mad now, because this could have all been avoided if you would have been more careful, and not pushed too hard.

Your head sinks below the water, you panic, you thrash about again and again, and you start to feel sad, because you know that unless something drastic happens, you have a deep seated guilt that those who depended on you won’t benefit from you and your strength. The end is coming. Yet you muster up all the energy you have and you pop your head above water one more time.

You take a deep breath and you think, If I can just keep this up, someone will come for me. Someone will save me from this terrible fate.

 

But you tire, and again, your head sinks below the water. Now you are tired, scared and angry. Your life and all the things you did, and want to do are passing thru your mind. You begin to feel melancholy and you begin to weep. You have so much left inside, you won’t give up, even though you know what is coming. The struggling is painful, but once again, you push your head above the water.

 

This time you are too tired to get a decent breath. You take a look around your world one last time, you know you are going to miss those you loved, but you resign yourself to the inevitable, and in what feels like a life time to you, it is actually moments, you slip slowly down into the water for the last time. You resign yourself to the fact that this is the end. You pray that there is something more after this, but you just don’t know for sure.

 

Your head falls beneath the waves and with eyes wide open, the fear leaves your body, you resign yourself to the situation, you take one last feeble breath. This time it is filled with water. Your memories, your mind begin to blur, and in the final moments, you breathe no more. You drift upwards and you float to the surface. The air you sought so desperately to hang on to, serves no purpose. It is something that you no longer crave, desire and long for. You are at peace. And as you float in this reality, there is no more pain.

 

Dan T

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6
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Are you saying your son from a previous marriage was convicted of physical crimes against your present wife?

 

That is some serious stuff. I can understand why she'd be scared.

 

I am loathe to tell you to pick a 2nd wife over a bio child but perhaps you can agree to always keep them apart. She needs physical security & can't have that kind of danger in her own home.

 

This has to be heartbreaking for you.

No, he lashed at his birth mom and her scumbag BF... in any case, I am learning to move on... She has decided to just focus on herself, and has immersed herself in many hobbies and school.

I am just a remnant now.

I am loathing what happened, but am slowly learning to let go.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Art_Critic

Some might say that letting go of a relationship is akin to when a butterfly opens it's wings for the first time after coming out of it's cocoon.

 

Being free, able to breath and so much to learn are a few things I think off when I think about letting go.

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I am on day 13 of a breakup that was the result of an argument.

There were many things said. No violence, no name calling. Just a lot of insinuations and accusations.

I have been a faithful husband, she was always a faithful wife.

 

I have struggled for the past 13 days, wanting her back. Periods of no contact, and then a slip. To which there is never any good that comes from it.

 

And then today, I realized. "How much do you really love this woman?" is this just a pride thing, or do I really love her.

 

My answer comes to me in the form of Don Henleys song "The Heart of the Matter".

 

I realized today. It is all about forgiveness, and putting my pride aside. I have to ask myself. How much do I love this woman? Enough to let her go?

 

DO I love her enough to let her be happy?

 

All she asked me for is a little time to think. She has had a very bad month with Deaths, School, etc.

 

I gave it to her a few days at a time, then I thought, it should have been enough time, and I would text bomb her.

 

Today, I came to the realization that wasn't love. It was fear and being possessive. I have decided to remove any temptations from my life (we are only human). I won't bother her again.

 

If this is what it takes for her to be happy, then I LOVE her that much.

 

Only the Creator can determine what the future holds. For now I must learn to be comfortable in my own skin. That will take time, but today was a big learning experience, and it made me feel good.

 

Funny, what all the Doctors say is true. The pain comes from wanting one thing, and getting another. Living in the Present is the key. Easy said, yea, I know.

 

I am learning to let go and be happy. They say if you are a bright spot, you will attract other bright spots. If you are a dark cloud, other dark clouds will cluster near you.

 

Anyway, I am done blabbering. I just want to say once again.

 

IF YOU REALLY LOVE SOMEONE. YOU HAVE TO WALK THE WALK.

Be willing to do ANYTHING for them to give them Happiness. EVEN if it means LETTING GO.

 

The More I know, the less I understand.

The things I knew, I have to learn again.

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ChocolateRain
You jump in head first, with all the vigor and energy one can muster. You swim around and enjoy your time in the water, you are on top of the world. Happy and thrilled with the refreshment of the waves against your body. But, alas, you are oblivious to the dangers that lurk in the waves.

You end up spending too much time in the water, it consumes you and you can’t seem to get enough of it. You try your hardest to get back to the boat, to the safety you had just minutes ago. There is nobody there to pull you up, nobody there to save you. You struggle in the water, you fight, you thrash. You call out, but no one is there to hear you, no one there to pull you back out, so you continue to fight for your life, your adrenaline is pumping.

You pull your head above water and you call out, you are mad now, because this could have all been avoided if you would have been more careful, and not pushed too hard.

Your head sinks below the water, you panic, you thrash about again and again, and you start to feel sad, because you know that unless something drastic happens, you have a deep seated guilt that those who depended on you won’t benefit from you and your strength. The end is coming. Yet you muster up all the energy you have and you pop your head above water one more time.

You take a deep breath and you think, If I can just keep this up, someone will come for me. Someone will save me from this terrible fate.

But you tire, and again, your head sinks below the water. Now you are tired, scared and angry. Your life and all the things you did, and want to do are passing thru your mind. You begin to feel melancholy and you begin to weep. You have so much left inside, you won’t give up, even though you know what is coming. The struggling is painful, but once again, you push your head above the water.

This time you are too tired to get a decent breath. You take a look around your world one last time, you know you are going to miss those you loved, but you resign yourself to the inevitable, and in what feels like a life time to you, it is actually moments, you slip slowly down into the water for the last time. You resign yourself to the fact that this is the end. You pray that there is something more after this, but you just don’t know for sure.

Your head falls beneath the waves and with eyes wide open, the fear leaves your body, you resign yourself to the situation, you take one last feeble breath. This time it is filled with water. Your memories, your mind begin to blur, and in the final moments, you breathe no more. You drift upwards and you float to the surface. The air you sought so desperately to hang on to, serves no purpose. It is something that you no longer crave, desire and long for. You are at peace. And as you float in this reality, there is no more pain.

 

Dan T

 

Big fat tears in my eyes :( ...bottom lip shaking :( ....well written

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This is very powerful and timely since myself and probably a lot of us are going through it right now. For those of us who are being left I wonder if there is also the person leaving us with their foot on our heads keeping us down and continually holding us under the water.

Edited by Chills22
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Chills,

Trust me, I am still going thru it. But recently I realized that our biggest struggle in life is trying to change what we cannot change.

 

I listened to a mentor who told me that in the 12 Billion years the Universe has existed, each of our lives isn't even a miniscule tick on the clock of time.

 

So with only that limited time, we need to enjoy as much as we can.

 

It's hard, yes. Until you let go. LET GO my friend, and start to rebuild your life. The sooner you do that, the sooner you will get well.

 

I listen to hypnosis and Binural recordings on Youtube for inspiration. Audio books are good too.

 

The most import thing is to reason with yourself. Do you love your ex because of pride? Don't you want her/him to be happy? Would you give your life for them?

In a way, letting them go, is doing just that, giving them your ultimate sacrifice.

 

Good luck my friend

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whichwayisup

She's been through A LOT and needs time to just decompress and be on her own, to feel better and be herself again.

 

Allow her to dictate contact though I would suggest sending one email telling her you love her and will be there for her, will do counseling with her or whatever she needs so the marriage can be better and healthier but if she feels the marriage is over to tell you and not drag it out as it's not fair to you to sit and wait for months for her to figure it out.

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She's been through A LOT and needs time to just decompress and be on her own, to feel better and be herself again.

 

Allow her to dictate contact though I would suggest sending one email telling her you love her and will be there for her, will do counseling with her or whatever she needs so the marriage can be better and healthier but if she feels the marriage is over to tell you and not drag it out as it's not fair to you to sit and wait for months for her to figure it out.

 

Thank you Whichwayisup. It goes against my very nature to be patient. I am trying, I am only human and the other day contacted her via text. I am sorry now I did that. Yes, she has been thru a lot. I am learning to let go. That, in itself will be the best thing for both of us. Even if we get back together, I need to regain my independence first.

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whichwayisup
Thank you Whichwayisup. It goes against my very nature to be patient. I am trying, I am only human and the other day contacted her via text. I am sorry now I did that. Yes, she has been thru a lot. I am learning to let go. That, in itself will be the best thing for both of us. Even if we get back together, I need to regain my independence first.

 

You're welcome. Anytime you feel the urge to contact her, post here.

 

Do work on that, independence and being self sufficient that way she will see you in a new light. Have you considered doing counseling to help you? Therapy is great as we all are a work in progress.

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You're welcome. Anytime you feel the urge to contact her, post here.

 

Do work on that, independence and being self sufficient that way she will see you in a new light. Have you considered doing counseling to help you? Therapy is great as we all are a work in progress.

 

I have been in meditation and some self healing. I do a minimum of 2 hours of meditation a night now. No more TV, and listen to Audible books on self betterment, anxiety and letting go.

 

It's not that I want to let go of my marriage (I don't), I just want to let go of the things that got me here. Without change, it would be crazy to ask her back.

I became too needy, whereas she became strong and independent.

Every day, I struggle with that Letting Go thing. If my subconscious could only realize how simple life would be if it would just stop fighting.

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I have listened to a lot of speakers on the subject of letting go.

I have meditated for a week.

I have made mistakes, and I have done good things too.

Today, for the first time. I made a choice.

It was me! I made a conscious choice to NOT spy on her FB account,

not check her friends pages for posts, and not check my phone constantly.

 

There is nothing on her page that I need to know. Nothing I need to concern myself over. Nothing worth seeing and overthinking. Nothing there that is worth the anxiety attacks I have suffered in the past 2 weeks. NOTHING

 

I won't try to kidd you. I am hurting. Sometimes in downright pain. But,

today I took control over just one teeny little aspect. Not sure if tomorrow will be even better, not sure about anything really. But today I have this satisfaction, and it feels good. That is something I haven't felt in a long, long time. Good.

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“In the end

these things matter most:

How well did you love?

How fully did you live?

How deeply did you let go?”

― Gautama Buddha

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Today.

I got up at 4:45. That seems to be the norm lately. Severe anxiety attack, for no reason.

But... once again, I DID not spy on her FB account, didn't check the online credit card account to see where she's been. Didn't drive by the place she is staying.

Nope. I spent all morning and most of the afternoon with my Son. The creator gave me the strength to find an apartment for him yesterday. I leveled with the renter, told him my son's story and told him, if you have any compassion, please let us have this place. He did. I almost cried.

 

What is SAD, is the ONE THING I WISH I COULD TELL MY WIFE... That my son is finally liberated from the house, I cannot.

 

I will stay in this no contact zone. Other than that. Early this morning I did have Lots of Anxiety, but once my son and I got going on his place, cleaning etc, it went away. We got a very nice couch at Goodwill for $20.00 !!!

 

I taught him to make meat loaf tonight!!! (He is autistic)....and I feel good about myself. IT FELT AWESOME to thing about something other than my wife for a chance... I NEED TO DO THAT MORE OFTEN!~!!

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I'm glad you aren't checking for all the signs anymore. All it does is cause more misery. The greatest pain in this situation is truly the unknowns that come from these suspicions. The fact that your wife or husband is on the mindset of wanting out, and all you can think about is trying to fix the relationship only exacerbates the problem.

 

Get out and reconnect with old friends. In the long run, that has been helping me out the most. I feel bad at times when I'm with my married friends. I'm reminded of my own marriage and emotions resurge, but even with the little reminders I feel much better the more time I accrue with my buddies. I've also been meeting new friends too and trying to build my social networking circle. It's been doing wonders for my self esteem and dwindling the bad vibes I've had for the last few months.

 

No contact/ low contact is really the keystone to getting over the feeling of betrayal and crippling anxiety though. It really feels much like your analogy of drowning at first, but they say as you give in and succumb, you reach a level of peace before you fade out. I've been sad still, but it is much more manageable at almost 2 months. Keep your head up and keep writing, it really helps.

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Good Days, then bad days, and the bad ones are REALLY bad. It doesn't seem to follow any pattern, except I can meditate and go to be calm and relaxed, not sleep much, and always wake at 4:30 with severe anxiety.

 

I cannot do this much longer. I will lose my job, and maybe worse.

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Dan, You've been doing great. Baby steps friend, baby steps. You HAVE to let her go. You know this, you've said this, you've pounded it into your own head :)

She will either come back or keep going but the choice has to be hers - obviously you will be in a position to decide if you want her back or not, but guilting, harassing, begging, crying, anger or manipulation will only end up hurting you in the end. You are right that a bright spot will attract other bright spots - be the brightest spot you can be, not only for yourself but for others - your journey here is helping others whether you know it or not. Others are learning from you and the wisdom of your experiences. Keep up the NC, you are doing great!

I'm sorry, I know it hurts but believe me when I say things WILL work out for you, one way or another..THINGS WILL ALWAYS WORK OUT FOR YOU!

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My wife has been thru terrible stress the past 2 months. She had a big fight with my son (Not her blood), Her Dad died, we had a spat in that timeframe over the son thing, then her Cat died, and we had another argument that resulted in a split. All the while she was in the final month of her degree.

We went on NC (Her doing) the end of March. I broke it 3 or 4 times, and felt horrible afterwards. Each time she said "I need time to think".

 

Today (the last day of school), she texted me and Invited me to her graduation.

 

I accepted with a simple "I would be honored to attend"

 

Later she texted "Now that the stress of school is over, Eventually we need to talk".

 

I texted back "Enjoy this time to decompress and enjoy the release of stress"

 

She texted back "I plan on it, however I need to get back to Sturgeon (200 miles away) by June 6.

 

I told her then in a text "I found my son his own apartment"

 

She responded "Congratuations"

 

and I left it at that.

 

First thing... I am petrified the talk is to dump me... however, I have been doing so much with the power of positive thinking, that I don't want to go there.

 

Second thing... AND THIS IS A SHOCKER..... I dont think if she wants me back, that I am ready... I need to fix my head fully...

 

I am open to any and all advice, comments, etc.

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Hey brother. I can only offer you my opinion. I think the turning point from despair for me was the initial thought that the only thing I have power to change is myself. I have no control over my wife's thoughts and desires. If I had the ability to control those things I still wouldn't want to. To me, love is so much sweeter when someone has the choice and they choose to love you. At the end of the day though, you are human and your emotions are vulnerable, especially to someone who has been so close. If she does split, it will hurt. Try and embrace the feelings in a healthy way.

 

It's like stumbling into a thick briar patch. You get caught up in the briars, and the more you fight it the more tangled up you get. The thorns dig deep into your skin through your clothes and the first order of business is to stop struggling so you can stop further pain. Getting untangled from the briars is just as painful as getting tangled, but it's the only way to free yourself from the patch. As you slowly pick the thorned briars from yourself, others will one inevitably dig in, but this is necessary until you can free yourself from further laceration. You can eventually free yourself, and be on your way, but the cuts and punctures are still there for time to heal.

 

This situation sucks for all of us, even our spouses. It hurts like hell, and there's no way around it. The only thing we can do sometimes is tell ourselves it'll get better, and have faith that it will. It'll hurt along the way, but time always moves forward, and the planet keeps spinning.

 

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other.

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