Whambham Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Hi All so il start with my tragedy. ive been separated from my wife for 5 month now we have been together for 8 years and have 3 children ages 4 and 1 year. a bit about myself i was raised by a single mother in a family of 3 siblings my father left for another woman. my mother being angry made us say things to gain full custody we were small didnt know what was happening and she made us sell our father out for a video game. I dont think my father was bad man not from my memorys one day i think after the divorce he couldnt take seeing us part time and left. my mother wasnt the best mother in the world she never had the meternal insticts. i guess i grew up resentfull and angry with a chip on my shoulder. very competitive to prove the world wrong. not trusting many people incase they let me down. very independant now problem at hand like all relationships the first few years were great some few problems nothing major. but i sensed my wife was far to close to her family but she reassured me she wasnt we were living in the uk she was from spain. i senced she missed her family so we decided to move to spain hoping her family will help with childcare because my mother was useless last time we told her to look after our 1 year old she let him cry for hours and send us a voice mail of him crying .. never again. well when we moved her family wanted to be with her all the time but didint want to help with childcare . i couldnt critisice har family otherwise we whould argue, she spent every weekend with her family and i worked 10 hours a day i rarely got to see her alone . se we drifted even though i told her several times . in the end i ended up going out with friends and she said im acting if i was single going out all the time. and i never help with the kids the list went on . all of it was her imagination. so one day she said she was not happy and wanted separation. fine she moved out took the kids i kept pressing her that wee need to seea therapist , how long is the separation for etc but she had no plan at all. after a month she said she didint know what she wanted her entire family went against me and her friends . i was all alone in an alien country. yet i still paid for the kids and suffered while she ignored the problems we had and went galavanting with her family. every month id ask for an update and nothing. she does not want to go therapy comes up with excuses and brings the past back up all the time. its like were on a hamster wheel doing the same things. i hate what this will do to the kids well now after 5 month i have found some one. and she makes me laugh. ive told my wife if it aint working i want a divorce . but she doesnt want a divorce and does not want to fix anything either. should i tell her i found some one else now. its nothing serious we have feelings she know the situation we have. i dont really care about my wife now too much pain and since her family and friends have ousted me how whould things ever be normal. her brother whould send me nasty messages and she never belived me even after i showed her proof. the only worrys i have are the kids and she will try and drain my finances Link to post Share on other sites
butterfly1958 Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 What a roller coaster ride you have described. Your heart has to be very heavy for all of you. How could you find a way to be alone with you wife to really talk about what has happened? Really think about this. You both loved each other at one time.......what changed? Counseling helps in most situations....what can you do to get her to a counselor? How do the kids fit into your and her plan for the future? Both of you will need to consider the children and what will work best for them. If she will not go to counseling, you may want to go to help you consider all options as you move forward. Remember to treat her as you would want to be treated and move forward with honor and doing the right thing in your heart. May you find a way forward that provides the very best for you and the members of your family...... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Family is of paramount importance in Spain. Weekends are family time, refusing to participate alienated you from them and acting like a single man, made things worse. You didn't understand the culture you were getting into by marrying your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whambham Posted May 10, 2016 Author Share Posted May 10, 2016 Agree but when we met we lived in the UK , and suddenly I'm supposed to change overnight, I wanted the weekends for family time , but family as in me my wife and kids. I've been councilling and im working on my problems, I'm not an alcoholic or a drug user or an abusive perant I love my kids and I loved my wife , but we can't discuss certain things she goes red if I discuss spending more time with her she has excuses but is happy to leave the kids at mine and go with her family. The fact is she has changed since she came to Spain , I also think when she grew up she had no contact with her cousins and now she is over compensating by having a lot of family time with her cousins and family. In all it makes the husband feel like the third wheel because his view are never considered. Thing is I've changed a lot of my behaviour from what she mentioned but she keeps changing the reason and adding more things that I need to change. It's like moving mountains , driving a car without direction , I've mentioned it to her but I don't think she understands she is just always angry for 5 month. I try and do the thinks that made her fall for me before like flowers i used to buy her bbut I don't think they have any effect. Tbh I'm exhausted pushing the ball up the hill i just want to let it slide. It takes 2 people to make a marriage it takes 2 to wreck one and it takes 2 to fix one Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whambham Posted May 11, 2016 Author Share Posted May 11, 2016 Well she got the feeling i might have met someone , and now she wants to try reconciliation and try and work out our problems. So things are looking better now Link to post Share on other sites
butterfly1958 Posted May 17, 2016 Share Posted May 17, 2016 Sooooo glad things are looking a little better for you now. Remember to really communicate with her. Listen carefully and respond carefully. Ponder, process, and reply as you would want someone to do for you. Be an example and strong in doing what is right for all of you for the right reasons. What vision and values do you have for your life? What vision and values does she have for her life? How do those fit together? Keep seeking........ May you find the answers that bless all of your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Whambham Posted May 29, 2016 Author Share Posted May 29, 2016 Thanks shes finally said yes to councilling so fingers crossed Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted May 29, 2016 Share Posted May 29, 2016 Make it clear. You'll be fine without her. You, her and your kids are the family. Hers meddles to much this won't work out. She needs to understand that. Link to post Share on other sites
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