Sad, hurt, angry, scared

[Mz. Pixie]

It's been a rough couple of days for the Pix. Got my papers served last week. Needless to say, there were things in there I was NOT expecting. Things about what's gone on that couldn't have been public knowledge so I've had to deal with the issue of betrayal from someone I thought was a friend. There were also many lies in the papers- and I'm being accused of things I didn't do.

 

I have accepted his offer although it's unfair. I just can't fight anymore. I've been fighting all my life through one thing or another and I'm just tired- to the bone tired.

 

I have tremendous guilt. Not because I still love him but because I was wrong in how I ended things. I've hurt him, our friends, my kids, his family- and I never intended to hurt anyone. I had no intention of him ever finding out about the fling I had- not because I was afraid for myself- but because I felt like I should bear the burden of the feelings for what I did. I also didn't want to hurt that person's family because it was such a huge mistake. Things that he did in the marriage along with the stressors that I had in my life over the last two years caused me to react in ways I normally wouldn't have. I truly believe that.

 

I want this to all be over with- but I'm wondering if all the pain will be over when it's finished. I feel like I need to go to him, admit what happened, and ask for his forgiveness. I'm not sure I can do that at this point because he's hurt me so bad since the separation. I know I hurt him as well.

 

At times I seem to forget the things he did that got us here. Never staying at home- not spending time with me- not going to counseling despite my numerous attempts- not making me a priority and putting everyone else in front of me. Why does it seem to me that what I did was so much worse than what he did?

 

I'm scared- about everything.

 

BF has been great through this- he's been through it although he was on the other side so to speak. He can't make me feel better though. I feel like I'm a emotional pit. I never thought that I would be here but there is no way I could ever be attracted to my STBXH again. If I could stay married to him because he was basically a good guy who didn't beat me who has a awesome family that would have kept me there.

 

Not sure where I'm going with this but I thought perhaps someone could chime in and make some sense of it all???? Guess I'm on my pity pot.

[ready2moveon26]

I know how you feel...I'd say cut your losses with him and be happy with your new boyfriend...pray to God and ask him for forgiveness...he is the only one that can truely forgive you anyway...Only God can judge you...Good luck!

[Devildog]

Pixie, I don't think going to him and apologizing and coming clean about everything is going to accomplish anything but hurt you even more. He probably thinks plenty of bad things about you, much worse than anything you deserve. All that would accomplish is to make him feel justified in further hating and disdainment of you. You don't deserve that. You made mistakes, like everyone does. You have faced the consequences of the decisions you made. You don't owe him any more.

 

They say you can't expect others to forgive you until you forgive yourself. But in this case I think you just need to forgive yourself and not worry about whether STBXH forgives you. If he can so easily trash you in the divorce papers he doesn't sound like a holier-than-thou person who deserves to have you fall on your own sword for his amusement.

 

You have now seen the true colors of him. Petty and vindictive. Walk away with some pride and dignity knowing that you can be the bigger person.

[Mz. Pixie]

You are so wise my friend! It is true that I need to forgive myself. I did ask God to forgive me and I feel that He has. What you said is correct- he already thinks the worst of me. I haven't done HALF of what he's accused me of. My therapist had told me in the beginning that if the truth would hurt another person I should keep it to myself. The truth would have hurt alot of people, so I kept quiet.

 

BF said yesterday that now I could see exactly who I married. He made a good comparison to me rather than just going on my emotions. He said, "How many things did you do to end your marriage?" I said, "One" Then he went on to say how many times was he away from home, not doing what he should have been doing God knows what? He actually estimated almost 300 weekends over the course of my marriage. He said how many times did you ask him to go to counseling? I said 15-20 times. He said, "How many times did he ask you?" I said, "Not once until I said I was leaving" He said, baby, I can see in my marriage I was about 25% at fault- but I can only see about 10% here. This man has raked you over the coals but yet you still fluctuate between losing all respect for him and feeling sorry for him.

 

I've always tried to do the right thing no matter what and the fact that I slipped even once just bothers me. But, not making excuses, I was on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown when all this happened.

 

I'm going to focus on getting past all of this, and my kids and my relationship with BF. I have so much to look forward to- once I get the nasty papers done. I know this, and I know how incredibly blessed I've been to have been given a second chance on what I wanted all along.

 

Thanks Guys- you are all the best!

[Yikes]

Here's a different point of view...

 

My ex refuses to take ownership for what she has done, and because of this, she is carrying a ton of guilt. It would probably do us both good to have a brutally honest heart to heart. For me it would help me with the closure and for her it will help her dispose of the guilt that she's carrying. I have told her time and time again to just let go of it. I don't hate her. My family doesn't hate her. I just want to both of us to move on ad be happy. After I found out about her affair she immediately owned up, made no excuses and was prepared to take responsibility. Then she spoke with the OM (who was my friend and also married) and she has since continually tried to back-pedal and re-write history so he can hold his family together. (but they are STILL seeing each other - go figure) I have dealt with the affair, but to be honest, when she tries to re-write history it does make me very angry.

 

I have acknowledged my own mistakes, yet for whatever reason she cannot break free of her own baggage and it is definitely affecting her new start. I think that coming totally clean MIGHT not necessarily be a bad thing, but you would know better than me how receptive your ex would be. It might help you unload the baggage that you are carrying, which can only help you as you move forward with your new BF. Your ex should also know what is true and what is crap.

 

As I've said to my ex, "I understand the whole feelings thing that led up to this. I don't like what you decided to do with those feelings but at the end of the day, it doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you human."

 

Good Luck.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yikes- she is lucky to have you as the father of her kids!!!

 

I'm going to PM you with some additional information I didn't want to post publically.

 

I believe I will eventually talk to him about it. The past two days have been pretty good - we've been pleasant when talking about the kids- which is all I want anyway.

 

Right now, it's all too fresh and we're both too hurt to discuss I think.

 

If I end up marrying BF that's going to open a new wound for him I know but I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

[Lil Honey]

Mz Pixie:

 

You have all these feelings that you want to tell your STBXH, yet you are unsure if you really should tell him. I can most certainly understand how you are feeling.

 

My suggestion would be to compromise (at least for now) with your feelings. By that I mean, write a letter as if you are going to give it to your STBXH. Say everything that you want him to know, everything that is in your heart that you are feeling. Then, keep the letter. Keep it for however long you feel that you need to. The day may come that you throw it away or the day may come when you send it to him. But for now, your feelings will be out and on paper for you to see.

 

I did this with my kids. I gave them the letter that I wrote to each of them so that they would have it to re-read later when they question anything about the divorce or wonder about things in their own lives. I'm glad I did and I feel like a huge load has been lifted.

 

LH

 

PS So much of what you write feels like I wrote it . . .

[Mz. Pixie]

That is a great idea!!! Thanks so much for your suggestion.

 

So, I sound like you? How is everything working out for you now if I may ask?

[Lil Honey]

Yes, you sound like me. I feel so many of the same things that you write about.

 

Things are going well, thanks. I think I mentioned somewhere on the boards before that the divorce was final Jan. 3rd. I still feel guilty at times. We are both in our 40s - too old to be alone - so I feel guilty for leaving him. He couldn't possibly have been happy with the way things were and I hope that he finds someone that will make him happy. Me? I'm kinda happy living alone.

 

There are times when I go back to the house and it doesn't even feel "right" anymore . . . like it doesn't fit, if that makes sense.

 

We divorced without much drama. And I believe we actually talk to each other better than we did before. By that I mean, we talk with a bit more respect and he appears to be listening when I say something.