23 years of my life wasted?

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Hi, my husband and I started dating in March of 1993, we were engaged a year later and married at the end of 1995. We had a wonderful marriage, we were blessed with 2 children after being told I would never be able to conceive. After the birth of our first child, he asked me to be a SAHM. I did so because it felt like it was in the best interest of our family. In between the 2 kids, he lost his job so I took a temporary job waiting tables. ...which I hate, but again, did for the sake of the family. When he had his footing in the job he still has he told me to quit waiting tables and go back to being a mom. A year later we were blessed with our daughter after a high risk pregnancy which included a cancer scare. In 2009 I took a sales job I could do from home. My background was in business, sales, and accounting. This was the best thing for me as pretty much all my old skills were obsolete. He was always worried about me making too much and pushing us into a higher tax bracket, so I ran the business his way. Honestly, it never bothered me. We had fun, we laughed, we talked, we did things together, we found ways to spoil one another, had a great sex life. People always told us we were their relationship goal.

 

Then one night a year ago that all changed. I still don't get it. He has mood swings. He will push about getting a dissolution or divorce, sometimes for days, THEN, when he KNOWS I am getting angry and upset, he turns all playful and gets teasy (not certain that is a word) and then doesn't bring it up for a few weeks. He moved out a few months ago, then back in for a few weeks, then back out almost a month ago.

 

His story on why he wants to end it changes all the time. He will tell me that I am a beautiful and sexy woman and any man would be lucky to have me, and tell me what a great mother I am, but then tell me I am not worth his time and effort. When we talk and he knows that I am sad or down about something he will try to make me laugh. I don't get any of this. I just feel sad, lost, broken, lonely, and confused as to how we got here. I mean the same day he dropped the bomb he had been sending lovey dovey texts and calling me to see what I wanted to do that night.

 

Oh, before I forget, I did rejoin the workforce, but the pay sucks. Lol

[The_Dork_Lard]

What's an SAHM?

[S2B]

He owes you a thorough explanation about reasons he changed his life goals without telling you along the way.

 

Have you two done counseling together?

[RecentChange]

Sounds like there must be a lot more to this story.

 

Any disagreements, arguments? Signs of depression or other mental health issues? Any signs of an affair?

 

Things rarely go from "everything perfect" to "i want a divorce" overnight.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

SAHM=Stay at home mom.

 

He has adamantly and blatantly refused counseling. Which is direct contrast to his lifelong belief system. He always swore to our kids and me that walking away was not an option. He said he knew he was blessed to have a wife that gave up her dreams to be with him. I should explain that when we first got engaged I had a chance to move to NYC and work with a talent agency so I could act and model. He hated NYC and asked if I could be happy being his wife and doing my business thing. In retrospect, perhaps I gave too much. But, we did have a great marriage until his personality change.

 

One of the craziest things about this, if I do the no contact thing, for instance, we call him every morning before the kids get on the school bus, just as we always have, but now, there are days I simply won't talk to him, he will find some odd random reason to call or text me.

 

I spoke with a lawyer and he told me that it really seems as if my husband doesn't even really know what he wants despite him saying otherwise.

[oldshirt]

 

Then one night a year ago that all changed. I still don't get it. He has mood swings.

 

 

 

What happened a year and one day ago?

 

 

Did this all suddenly change a year ago? Was he normal and behavior and moods level and consistent for 22 years and then truly changed on a dime a year ago?

 

 

If so, what happened a year and one day ago? Was there some kind of major event? did he experience some kind of trauma or some kind of injury or illness? Did he start some kind of medication? Was there a death or traumatic incident in the family?

 

 

Did he meet another woman?

 

 

Has this change in behavior and moods been evaluated by a professional?

[oldshirt]

 

. He has mood swings. He will push about getting a dissolution or divorce, sometimes for days, THEN, when he KNOWS I am getting angry and upset, he turns all playful and gets teasy (not certain that is a word) and then doesn't bring it up for a few weeks. He moved out a few months ago, then back in for a few weeks, then back out almost a month ago.

 

His story on why he wants to end it changes all the time. He will tell me that I am a beautiful and sexy woman and any man would be lucky to have me, and tell me what a great mother I am, but then tell me I am not worth his time and effort.

 

 

 

This is emotional/psychological abuse. Stop tolerating it. Smack that down and do not tolerate it or put up with it any more. Draw a line in the sand and blow up anything that crosses it.

 

 

If he no longer loves you, believes he is better off without you and no longer wishes to have a home and family life with you, that is his prerogative and he has the right to divorce you and move on.

 

 

He does not however have the right to inflict chaos and mental distress upon you with this schizophrenic behavior that changes 180 degrees on a dime.

 

 

Give him two options .

 

 

Option A is to remain in the home, devote 100% time, energy and effort to working on whatever issues are occurring and full faith effort into reconciling the marriage even if that involves psychological/medical evaluation and marital counseling.

 

 

Option B is actually follow through with the divorce. Yes, I know that is not what your first choice is, but this pendulum swinging 180 degrees by the day is psychological torture and will turn you into a broken, crazy woman and it amounts to nothing more than abuse and there is no reason for it to be tolerated.

 

 

If he wants a divorce then send him down to the courthouse to do the paperwork to get one. If he keeps swinging wildly both ways, then you go down to the courthouse and get one. It may be the only way to end the abuse.

 

 

Your are going to have to pull up your big-girl pants here and draw a line in the sand and give him the choice of all-in or all-out but the abuse and chaos has to stop. This nutty behavior is going to make you a crazy woman and it is harmful and destabilizing to the children.

 

 

The children can live without harm in an intact family unit that is giving full-faith effort to reconciling and working on whatever issues are at hand.

 

 

An children can live without harm with two sane, sober, loving, supportive and involved parents that happen to be divorced and living in two separate homes that are cooperative and amicably divorced.

 

 

But they will be scarred and damaged by this schizophrenic chaos that swings 180 degrees day by day. Shut that $h!^ down immediately, even if that means that you toss him to curb and file the divorce yourself.

[S2B]

SAHM=Stay at home mom.

 

He has adamantly and blatantly refused counseling. Which is direct contrast to his lifelong belief system. He always swore to our kids and me that walking away was not an option. He said he knew he was blessed to have a wife that gave up her dreams to be with him. I should explain that when we first got engaged I had a chance to move to NYC and work with a talent agency so I could act and model. He hated NYC and asked if I could be happy being his wife and doing my business thing. In retrospect, perhaps I gave too much. But, we did have a great marriage until his personality change.

 

One of the craziest things about this, if I do the no contact thing, for instance, we call him every morning before the kids get on the school bus, just as we always have, but now, there are days I simply won't talk to him, he will find some odd random reason to call or text me.

 

I spoke with a lawyer and he told me that it really seems as if my husband doesn't even really know what he wants despite him saying otherwise.

 

Have you checked to see what he's now doing with his free time away from the family? Does he take the kids half the time of the week?

 

How old are your kids?

 

And not earning as much money and a long marriage should allow you to collect spousal support as well as child support. What did the attorney say?

 

Have you filed for divorce?

 

I was in this position 10 years ago - I had to stick with a solid boundary and allow him to understand perfectly well ---> since you left and the marriage isn't being worked on you have no right to drop by and/or contact me unless it's about the kids or an emergency = give me some space to heal and please show some respect! In other words if I wasn't staying married to him then quit acting like he still owned me!

 

Get a boundary and stick to it.

 

Move money and change the locks to have your own privacy in your home and with finances. Speaking of which - what's he spending money on lately?

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

We had a lot of sadness in a few years time. We lost a sister in law whom we were close with to cancer, a couple of years later we lost a friend, one of my best friends to cancer, at that same time I was being tested for thyroid and breast cancer, it came back that I have a thyroid disease, and no cancer, a year later his mother had uterine cancer, but she is now okay, just after that his father had a health issue which required surgery, and then he himself had a cancer scare. The day he got his results he called me to tell me he had them but would tell me when he got home. I was in agony until he arrived home. I met him at the door and he told me it was a false alarm, he was fine. I hugged him and kissed him and asked why he scared me like that. He replied, "I wanted to see your reaction. " It was 2 weeks later that he said he thought he wanted a divorce. He told me he loved me, but he was a miserable person and felt like he was destroying my life and the kids lives. I cried and told him that if he left, that would destroy us. We hugged and kissed and agreed we did not need to decide anything at that moment. For the next week we still kissed and sent our daily "I love you" texts. Then, he decided it was done.

 

About every 4-8 weeks his story changes on why he wants out. I can't help but feel that he is going through a major midlife crisis.

 

I asked him if he had a girlfriend, his response was, "I wish I did, then this would all be so much easier. "

 

Nothing makes sense.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Sounds like there must be a lot more to this story.

 

Any disagreements, arguments? Signs of depression or other mental health issues? Any signs of an affair?

 

Things rarely go from "everything perfect" to "i want a divorce" overnight.

 

I truly believe after a lot of research that he going through a major midlife crisis. He had been angsty and depressed due to work. He had mood swings, and we discussed it. He has a high stress job and it was admitted to him that he was not paid what he was worth, but they never fixed it, claiming the salary freeze. I asked if I was his problem. He swore he adored me and felt that the kids and I were all he had done right in life.

 

He used to tell me he was scared I would leave him for someone better. I would tell him, that was not an option. We took our vows and I meant every word. He would say good, he meant them too. I am at a loss.

 

 

Btw, the kids are 12 and 16.

Edited April 20, 2016 by Sad butterfly Ohio

[oldshirt]

and then he himself had a cancer scare. The day he got his results he called me to tell me he had them but would tell me when he got home. I was in agony until he arrived home. I met him at the door and he told me it was a false alarm, he was fine. I hugged him and kissed him and asked why he scared me like that. He replied, "I wanted to see your reaction. "

 

That was cruel and unusual.

 

 

This is abusive behavior.

[S2B]

Why aren't you checking? Have you searched his phone and computer to see if he's communicating with another woman?

 

He acts like he's interested in someone or something else enough to sacrifice his entire adult life for...find out what it is by digging into evidence.

 

He's a jerk for abandoning you and the kids by being selfish and self centered. That's not cool!

 

And if that's his priority then serve him with divorce papers so he gets an idea of what this is going to be.

 

Ask for everything! No reason to hand him stuff that makes him more comfortable - he's not thinking of you - he's just being selfish.

 

My money is on a girlfriend. Have the kids call him at odd and unexpected times - see if he answers at 7pm or even 8:30 or 9 pm. Drive by his house and see if there's another car there. Check his phone records. See where he's spending money.

[oldshirt]

OK, lets get some things straight here. Yes you have been through some trying times and it would stand to reason that there may be some anxiety, some insecurity/uncertainty, maybe some depression and possibly even some form of PTSD taking place here.

 

 

But none of that justifies cruel and abusive behavior. He may be getting stressed and anxiety with life's uncertainties, but that in no way justifies or excuses making your life and kid's lives chaotic and miserable.

 

 

Whether he's turning into a fruit loop or whether he is sincerely no longer in love with you and no longer wishes to be married to you, you deserve to have a life of peace and sanity and free of what he is putting you through.

 

 

My advice remains the same. Give him the option of all-in, or all-out.

 

 

He either remains in the home, checks himself into shrink and works on his issues and addresses the marital issues with full-faith effort.

 

 

Or he packs his bags, finds his own place, divorces and pays his fair share of child support and you get your fair share of the marital assets and spousal support if it is due to you etc etc and you are allowed to move on with your own life in peace.

 

 

This wild mood swing and running hot and cold is bullcrap and should no longer be tolerated. Stop putting up with it and give him the option to stay or leave, but either choice is 100%. All-in or all-out. If he won't decide, then you decide for him and since you can't make him stay and put his full effort in to reconciliation, then that means you file for divorce and you toss him out.

 

 

Either way, end the abuse. End the chaos. End the uncertainty. End the torture. If it takes ending the marriage to do that, so be it. Noone should have to live like this.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

That was cruel and unusual.

 

 

This is abusive behavior.

 

Which is not how he usually is/was. Most people would say he is one of the nicest guys on the face of the planet. It is as if something in him broke.

 

As for money and where he spends it, I have no clue. He opened a second checking account which is not linked to our joint account. I do know that he is overdrawn on both accounts as the bank statements come here, and those only come when we are overdrawn.

 

I am currently looking into grants for returning to school for phlebotomy or something else in the medical field.

[BlueIris]

Check all of the accounts and make sure that no money has been moved in the past 2 years or so. If he's thinking about divorce, he might be moving money. But even if he isn't, since he's become more erratic, I'd take care to watch the money/assets carefully.

[oldshirt]

Regardless of what is going on with him, you need to get an attorney immediately and start circling your wagons and protecting yourself.

 

 

Whether he is falling out of love with you, having an affair, or just going plain nuts, he is dangerous right now and there is no telling what he will do.

 

 

Take this very seriously. He may decide his true calling is to empty out all the accounts and investments and retirement accounts and buy a monkey and live on the beach in Jamaica as an organ grinder. He may have some other woman and decide to furnish a love next in the Virgin Islands or something.

 

 

He may decide the children will be better off living on some hilltop in Costa Rica and try to pack them up and head them out in the middle of the night.

 

 

 

 

whatever the cause, he is clearly unstable and unpredictable and you can't take any chances with your financial survival or your children's roof over their head.

 

 

Consider his threats of divorce as credible and act accordingly. Whether he is seriously considering divorcing and taking off or whether he has just simply gone nuts, he is clearly not to be trusted with your future. you must take responsibility.

 

 

get an attorney. Protect your assets, property and relationship with the children. Be prepared for anything.

 

 

Heed this advice seriously. I have seen a lot worse things happen to personal friends of mine who's spouses were not acting near as nutty as yours before they made their move.

[S2B]

Has he taken the kids in the past month? Is he having them half the time to spend the night with him?

[mightycpa]

He was always worried about me making too much and pushing us into a higher tax bracket, so I ran the business his way.

Being a mightycpa, this caught my eye. No offense, but your husband is a dolt. Therefore, I would expect him to act accordingly, which, apparently, he has.

[ashley1992]

so sorry to hear about your story and wat ur going through. from my experiance my father was behaving very similar to ur husband.. and unfortunately my mother found out he was cheating on her with another women. my father ended up leaving on my little sisters birthday! she was turning 2 or 3 i believe. my mother said she had a feeling.. because no one out of the blue just changes.. and yes we found out he had feelings for someone else.. i believe he married her and they had 2 kids.. he never looked back or came back into our lives.. i can only help and adivce you through my own experiance.. plz take care x

[BuddyX]

He's either bi-polar or cheating. My money's on the latter.

Why do you allow him to walk out and back in?

[S2B]

I agree a husband doesn't just walk away for no reason...especially when he's always cherished you and the family unit.

 

There's something he's not telling and that's why he suddenly doesn't want counseling - he doesn't want to be honest about what's going on so you're going to have to start digging to find out - if you want to know.

 

If he's not seeing the kids regularly that's terrible.

 

Seems like he doesn't have a conscience now. He needs a wake up call. I hope you're not appeasing him by taking his calls and responding to texts when he decides it's convenient to contact you. It's cruel that he's contacting that way. It's like he wants to make sure you're still waiting for him.

 

Did he ever do drugs? Drink?

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Thank you for all the responses.

 

 

I have no doubt he is having at least an emotional affair, and I am certain I know with whom. She is a pro at wrecking relationships, she has been at it since high school. I have spoken with several people who have sited her as a contributing factor in the demise of their relationships, some of them have reconciled, some have not. I am NOT saying he is blameless, he knows how she is and complained about what an ugly bitter woman she was for ages. What I don't get is, she really is unattractive, she doesn't have a nice body or good personality, she is a drunk and knows what to say. Ugh

 

As far as drugs or drinking go, no. Drugs are a big no no for us. He drinks, but usually only socially, he has done it more so since this all began. He told me a few months ago it helped when he was depressed or feeling suicidal, which he admitted to me he has thought about a few times since this began.

 

He has yet to have the kids overnight. He moved out for about 3 months, moved back in for a few weeks (slept on the couch ) and then out again almost a month ago. He doesn't spend much time with the kids. Usually about 30 minutes, if they are lucky a couple of times a week, and he usually texts them good night. That text is sometimes the only conversation they have with him minus the morning call.

 

The thing about me trying NC with him, and not responding, he will then call or text the kids and ask where I am and then complain that I am ignoring him. I feel like it's a no win situation.

 

I am also trying to figure out why he got an apartment that is just a studio, so no place for the kids, and does not allow pets. I rather feel almost as bad for the dog as I do the kids.

 

Our daughter told me the other night that she doesn't like how he treats me and it seems hypocritical that he always told them to respect me, yet he rarely shows me any respect anymore.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

Check all of the accounts and make sure that no money has been moved in the past 2 years or so. If he's thinking about divorce, he might be moving money. But even if he isn't, since he's become more erratic, I'd take care to watch the money/assets carefully.

 

I already did that. Nothing was changed until a couple months after bomb drop.

 

I may have launched a war today. I am not sure if I care. I am standing up for myself more often. Not sure he knows what to do with it.

[partlysnitty]

I don't have any good advice, but I understand your pain a little. After 10 years my boyfriend just stopped talking to me mid-conversation. And it's a bit hard to chalk it up to just a OW or breakup when someone who has been great for so long just vanishes.

 

It's really hard and really confusing.

[Sad butterfly Ohio]

I don't have any good advice, but I understand your pain a little. After 10 years my boyfriend just stopped talking to me mid-conversation. And it's a bit hard to chalk it up to just a OW or breakup when someone who has been great for so long just vanishes.

 

It's really hard and really confusing.

 

 

Yes it is. And every single time I start to gain confidence he finds another way to break my heart all over again.

 

Sorry you have to go through this.