cooltaurus Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Hi I am in a big deli-ma.... I been married for 10 years.... been together for 11. Little background first.... She was married before and had a son when we got married. Know he is 12 years old and i consider him my son in every way... we have another son who is 8 now... we had a love marriage... for past three years our life is miserable. everything started when her sister was found alcoholic and she blamed her for all the things. her sister was instituted... and also went through second divorce now... Things start getting bad in our family when her sister got involved a lot and and then her sister called police on me accusing me of being controlling and abusive... by the way my wife works full time and used to go out with her friends every weekend... till one day i asked her to go out with me as well.... i never swear or physically abusive on her in any way.... my only fault is when i get angry i do talk very loud .... i always want her to do whatever she wants,,,, just balance things like going out and stuff with me as well... instead she left like going out with her friends...and blamed me saying she left it for me which i never asked her to do.. she said her solution is if she doesn't want to go with me she will not go out with her friends as well.. i dont understand that logic....... and blamed me of controlling her when not once i asked her to do that... i only asked her to go out with me as well....we also went to marriage counselor... she did told me i am very affectionate and need to slow down on that... but told her to go and see her physiological evaluation... instead now she is blaming me and asking me to go for it.... its been three years and i am went through every abuse.... and now she is making stuff like i sexually abuse her and things.... people who know both of us always knows as the person who spend a lot of time with family and kids. taking them out on vacation for dinners and everything... she hates touching me and said she doesn't like to be touched.... she was always a person who even hated grabbing my hand... we have reached a point where i dont want to live in a relationship where their is no husband and wife.... she talks about family without husband and wife...what kind of family is that where we live together as a family but not as husband and wife.. we tried everything to save the marriage in last three years from counseling and talking to friends and family... but we are still at the same point... bottom line is i want more affection and love from her and she said she cannot do that and i should go and check as guys dont need affection and love their is something psychologically wrong with me.... last week she started to sleep separately saying we can not sleep together... we been sleeping in the same bed for last 10 years how can a person in one day can say from now on we cannot sleep together how heartless a person can be...... so my deli-ma is should i keep continuing to live the rest of my life like this or should i move on... definitely biggest concern is the kids and all i want is joint and shared custody on both of them... financial i do make like $15000 more then her... i am so confused should i stay in the marriage for kids for the rest of my life like this or should i move on... please suggest... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 You can't continue to be miserable. Talk to your counselor again but I would consult an attorney. Your SIL doesn't sound like the only mentally unstable person in your wife's family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Papiyon Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 Hi Cooltaurus Thank you for sharing your experience. What you have shared is not easy to deal with. I applaud you for being so patient within your marriage. I can’t tell you to stay or go. But what I will say is if you still want your marriage then fight for it. I know you have shared that you two had had counseling already. I dare say revisit, counseling is not a one time thing. I’m not sure of your faith but I would also apply your faith to your heart desires towards your marriage. From what you have shared you already know that marriage isn’t easy but I’m a firm believer that it is possible. Maybe you can ask your wife to pick the counselor this time (I’m not sure who picked the counselor last time) or maybe you two can compromise on the psychological evaluation; maybe say let’s take it together. Again I’m not sure where you stand or your faith but my church group has always helped me. Do you have a local church support group that can help you guys? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 19, 2016 Share Posted April 19, 2016 To be honest, for the sake of your mental health, I think you need to extract yourself from that situation and pursue one on one counselling. Sorry, but I don't see any better options. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cooltaurus Posted April 20, 2016 Author Share Posted April 20, 2016 Think is I want to work. but she has already decided and that's not from now she told me she was ready two years ago that this is going to happen... was last two years she wasn't emotionally available either its our family trips or anything else... she is the one asking for divorce and say that your going to waste your time if you stay another three years... my wife tells me to go and marry someone else as she can not give a love I deserve.... She said she is compromising but doesn't love me... I am so confused..... who tells her husband to go and find someone else or go and have an affair.... Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 who tells her husband to go and find someone else or go and have an affair.... Someone who is either already physically involved with someone else, or who has no interest in being involved physically with you. Or both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 Your wife is done. She has essentially told you that and is definitely acting like it. I suspect when she goes out with her friends she acts as if she is single (flirting, etc, etc). It is about to become true - for better or worse. She may 'come to her senses' when served with divorce papers but I doubt it. I'm sorry about that but it is the cold hard truth. You can delay the inevitable but that is all you are doing. It sucks but this is a VERY common story. Been there done that and lost the T-shirt in the divorce. Staying with her under these circumstances is NOT healthy for you. Very damaging. The most alone I ever felt was when I was supposed to be with someone else when they weren't committed. Being truly alone and knowing it is better than thinking you are with someone but you are not. Better yourself. Get in the gym. Take up hobbies. Do the 180 with your wife. Commit to the 180 100%. Soon. Like today soon. Not easy but you must for your own sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
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