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Divorce is final


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compulsivedancer

The divorce is final - I got my paperwork in the mail Sat. Today, I'm going to go and get my name changed. There's still a lot of paperwork involving changing my name and still some stuff to wrap up with the house (it never stops - life is paperwork!).

 

It's a bit surreal. We've been separated almost a year and a half, and both of us have been dating someone for about a year. My boyfriend moved in with me in Jan, and CM's girlfriend is moving in too (already moved in? I'm unclear on the timeline). I'm pregnant, due in Oct.

 

I'm pretty happy with my life now, and pretty happy with the way things are going. I was surprised, however, that when I got my paperwork, I teared up anyway. It's weird saying goodbye, even if it's the 15th time you've said it. We were together for a decade (before we separated), our whole adult lives, and we had a huge part in forming who each of us became.

 

I don't want our life back in any way, but there's still a tiny part of me that grieves for that life that could have been, even though I think both of us are better for having moved on.

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I'm pretty happy with my life now, and pretty happy with the way things are going. I was surprised, however, that when I got my paperwork, I teared up anyway. It's weird saying goodbye, even if it's the 15th time you've said it. We were together for a decade (before we separated), our whole adult lives, and we had a huge part in forming who each of us became.

 

I don't want our life back in any way, but there's still a tiny part of me that grieves for that life that could have been, even though I think both of us are better for having moved on.

 

I found this part of your post to be pretty insightful. Thank you for sharing!

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Hey,

 

I owe you an im sorry.

 

I was pretty hard on you in your indecision process. It is sooooo frustrating to see / read people waffle for weeks, months, years, decades even.

 

I'm glad to read you, by whatever means found the courage to forge your own authentic life.

 

It seems great that CM also, has found his niche and you are both distantly supportive to each other.

 

All is well that ends well and happy beginnings to you both.

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whichwayisup

Congrats on the pregnancy!

 

It's okay to grieve the loss again, even though you're with someone else and in the fall will be having a baby. Divorce was never something you ever thought of when you got married so of course it's a final goodbye and a chapter of your life closed forever.

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I don't want our life back in any way, but there's still a tiny part of me that grieves for that life that could have been, even though I think both of us are better for having moved on.

 

I agree with this post. Although part of me still misses the life we had, and a part of me still loves my exW, I am happy now. Still, when I received that final paper "dissolving forever the bonds of matrimony" it was heartbreaking, and it still tugs at my heart to think about it now, months after the fact. I think there will always be a part of me that grieves for what might have been, and part of me that knows that if things had been slightly different, we could still be together, and happy. But that isn't how things worked out.

 

I am happy for you, that you are better now for having moved on, and I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you have wonderful things ahead of you!!

 

KTB

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Jersey born raised

What insight into your old marriage do you bring into your new one do you see providing you with building blocks to a better relationship this time, Ones that say don't go there again, etc ?

 

History you can learn from the pain or you get to do it again.

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compulsivedancer
What insight into your old marriage do you bring into your new one do you see providing you with building blocks to a better relationship this time, Ones that say don't go there again, etc ?

 

History you can learn from the pain or you get to do it again.

 

I hate questions like this, because I'm never sure if they are sincere, or meant as an opening to ridicule me.

 

I've learned a lot about relationships, marriage, etc through this entire thing. I've seen someone else's deepest pain, and I've felt a lot of pain myself. It changes your perspectives on what you want.

 

But as far as meeting someone new, so much of it has to do with knowing myself and choosing the right match for myself. A few thoughts to that end:

 

1) One of the most important parts of finding a person I want to be with is knowing who I am, becoming more fully myself and finding someone I love for who he is rather than who he could become (and finding someone who feels the same way about me).

 

My ex and I started dating when I was 19, so I didn't have a lot of dating experience, and very little sexual experience before I was with my ex. One of the differences in dating when you're older is that you are much more fully formed. When I was 19, I was still actively figuring out who I was as a person, what I wanted to do and be, and where I wanted to go with my life. As was my ex. We spent a lot of our early years changing, growing, molding each other, etc, and eventually kind of growing in different directions.

 

But now, my boyfriend (who is 5 years older than I am) and I (I'm 31) are already who we are. Not that we won't change and grow, too. But we've both already made a lot of mistakes and learned from our life experiences. And he loves me for who I am right now, not for the potential of who I could be. And that's how I feel about him, too. It's a much better foundation to build on.

 

 

2) Learning a little about life first, how it works and what it's like (grow up first, so you can have a grown up relationship!), and making sure that we want similar things out of life.

 

This includes how I want my day-to-day life to look. If I want someone to have adventures with me, then I better find someone who is interested in finding adventures! And if I want someone who will cuddle on the couch with me and watch tv, then I better find someone who will be interested in doing that. And if I want to have kids, it's not good enough to find someone that will make a good father - he'd better be interested in actually having kids!

 

 

3) Finding a good match. Learning what personality actually complements mine and strengthens it, and finding someone who has that kind of personality.

 

For me, it was finding someone who is relaxing. I need someone that I can come home to and just lay in his arms and take a load off. But I didn't know that, and my ex was a very intense personality - it was hard work to be with him. It paid off, but I never had a chance to recharge with him. I was his rock, but I didn't realize I needed my own rock, too.

 

 

That's by no means exhaustive, and there are definitely things that will come up as our relationship progresses. We are still pretty early on, but I think that we are starting with a better foundation, which helps a lot. I know that how you treat each other as the newness wears off is a lot of what keeps things going well as the relationship progresses. Making time for each other, making memories together, developing interests together, etc...all things that keep you moving in the same direction together, rather than moving apart.

 

I think it helps that my boyfriend has a more typical career path, which reduces a lot of the uncertainty and frustration in life. He is happy and willing to do things together and enjoy new things. And I am learning to ask for the things I need instead of assuming that he will figure them out for me.

 

A very long answer, but a relationship is made up of so many parts that a long answer just barely scratches the surface, and I'm sure there are so many other things I could say.

Edited by compulsivedancer
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Things may not have worked out and a divorce and moving on with each of your own lives may have clearly been the best option, but I think only a true sociopath would have virtually no feelings of loss about it. I think having some pangs of nostalgia and disappointed and sadness would be a perfectly normal and healthy part of the divorce process. The world would be a pretty screwed up place if everyone viewed divorce with no more loss than tossing out a flat tire.

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