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Final stages of this Nightmare


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Posted my story under "mentally checked out??" After finding out some info during our 4month seperation I have figured out that we just aren't meant to be together nor will we be happy down the road together no matter what we do. I knw this now in my gut that we aren't marriage compatible. Hindsight is frustrating.

 

Now I have confirmed w he we will be divorcing and in my opinion there is very little to discuss. I own the house and did before we got married it's mine free and clear, we have no kids, and we never co mingled bank accounts nor have we had a mutual savings. I have Paid everything since day 1. I mean everything. She has a higher education level then me but never Accomplished much and makes only a quarter of what I make.

 

Morally speaking I don't feel there is much to discuss. I have more than handled my responsibilities of paying her way as she "found herself" and continues to try and find a Career as she has none. I told her she can have any gifts that were given to us and that id continue to pay for some of her bills and was willing to do a 40/50% split on the tax return despite the fact she has Paid for Nothing during our entire time together.

 

She had her job and since it wasn't a "career" I was happy she could just pay for her own bills and I took care of all of the other bills. Mortgage, cable, water, electric, gas, cell phone, car insusnce, every vaca and every night out. She was only asked during this time to pay for her own college loans, her own brand new car payment, and to put groceries in the house. That's it. Groceries a month 350$-400$ a month compared to over 3k a month I shoveled out to just run the house she lived in. Now I'm trying to ask her what she feels is fair w the tax return as I'm Not even getting into discussing any other asset I own. She didn't earn nor did she contribute finacially to hardly anything. I've bought and paid for every piece of furniture and appliance.

 

But now she is dragging her feet. Telling me she doesn't know about the Divisoon of the taxes yet? Though a 40/50 split is more than reasonable. She morally isn't even entitled to that she's cruised off me for the past decade. It's unreal. Never again. I'm hoping she's just stamping her feet and things don't get ugly. I feel confident she won't go to court and I'm hoping he is simply fussing with me at the moment just to upset and get even with me. We wil see. Sorry for the Venting and ranting. It's just w no kids involved it makes me sick the sense of entitlement. Alls I've done is support her while together. Yet I'm still dealing w aggravation now. If we were live in BF GF this would of been done as it's clearly cut and dry.

 

Lesson learned. Unsure of having kids don't get married there is no point as its not worth this aggravation to end things. Not unless your both equal contributors to the relationship.

Edited by Brady375
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What is "fair" in the moral sense really has nothing to do with the division of marital assets. What matters is what is the law in your state.

 

So you have supported her while she tries to find herself; whose choice was that? I sense a bit of judgment on your part, since she is not like you, despite attaining higher education. So you make more than she does and obviously want to keep as much as you can, as you feel you are entitled. She's your wife. Does that mean nothing?

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LittleTiger

You've been together a decade?

 

It depends where you are but the law will generally see most of your assets as shared after ten years. What you think is morally right is not what determines the split. When you say she contributed nothing, what about cleaning, washing, shopping etc. Household chores count as a contribution, even if she earns less money than you do.

 

There's also the possibility that, if you've been supporting her, the law will say you must continue to do so on some level. Nothing is as clear cut as you seem to think.

 

You both need to hire lawyers to sort it out.

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HopeForTomorrow

It doesn't matter what you are "willing" to give her; it only matters what the courts say you WILL be giving her.

 

If you were okay with her contributing less than you financially for all those years during the marriage, then that's on you.

 

Depending on where you live, it's likely that your assets will be split down the middle, and it's also quite likely that you will be required to pay alimony to support her in the way to which she has been accustomed.

 

I wasn't sure what you meant by a "40/50 split" of money? Did you mean 40/60?

 

Not sure where you live, but $3000 a month sounds like a lot to pay to run a house that you own free and clear.

 

Anyway, might as well stop complaining, because it will all be taken out of your hands by the courts and lawyers. Marriage does count for something; it's not all just dollar signs.

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Alcoholism + Marriage = Codependency + Resentment and you are in the thick of it.

 

You keep pointing your finger at her, which is understandable. But you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

 

You think you are right and she is wrong. Having an alcoholic parent often means we develop this type of black and white thinking. There are many grey areas you probably are not seeing. There is no "right" and there is no "wrong." There is only the way she sees it and the way you see it. If you two are forever at odds in the way you see things, that will make for a miserable marriage. You have to find a way to begin to see some things in ways you both can agree with. Start with that. Don't start with "Can we agree to the way we are going to split our money and assets?"

 

IDK you or her, IDK if she is an alcoholic or not (only she and a dr can determine that), and IDK how well she speaks up for herself, but if you're working Friday and Saturday nights, what exactly do you expect her to do? Of course she's going to hang out with her friends; you're not even available. What do you do together as a couple on Saturday and Sunday if you're both working all week?

 

You say you took your vows seriously. So far I haven't read anything terrible about your wife, other than that she has a serious problem and seems to be doing everything you have demanded, and even volunteered to move back to her parents' so that you can have the house. So, you and she may want to learn about alcoholism, codependency, being an adult child of an alcoholic, and addictive thinking before you walk away and inflict on you both, one of the most stressful, destructive processes of a lifetime (divorce) from someone you love.

 

I recommend that you start going to Al-Anon and she start going to AA. You both should attend a minimum of 10 meetings before deciding whether or not it is right for you. Maybe this can be the first thing you two can agree to, TOGETHER. There are many locations that hold both AA and Al-Anon meetings at the same time, to accommodate couples. So, it's something you can do together, which you two obviously need.

 

You both should read Melody Beattie "Codependent No More," and Abraham Twerski "Addictive Thinking." You both should also read Janet Woititz "Adult Children of Alcoholics." Your wife should take the self-assessment "Am I An Alcoholic?" available on-line or at an AA meeting. Also, Google the stages of alcoholism and both read a couple sources on the stages, so that you both understand how the disease progresses if it is not halted and what you can look forward to in the future if she does not stop. (Alcoholism is incurable and the only way to halt the progression of the disease is for the person w alcoholism to abstain from drinking alcohol, completely).

 

Also, if either of your ICs, or your marriage counselor have not suggested Al-Anon, AA, or you read about codependency, they suck and you need to fire them and get new ones. Because you're paying for people not to help you. Seriously. This is IC/MC 101.

Edited by 13Hearts
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Also, I just want to tell you something personal, because I think I understand where you are coming from regarding not wanting children but not being sure. I speak from experience, having also had an alcoholic parent.

 

When we grow up with an alcoholic parent, we become super responsible. We are forced to see the harshness of things (such as child-rearing) from very young ages, and we take care of responsibilities like raising our own siblings, all of which children from non-alcoholic homes do not ever experience. And we tend to be stressed out, especially from added responsibilities.

 

I think you are stressed by all of your responsibilities, because that is what I read in your two threads. I think you don't want children because it is going to add just one more thing to your enormous pile of things you are responsible for (in addition to an alcoholic, child-like, seemingly irresponsible wife). What I invite you to do is try to learn stress reduction. Try to learn how to NOT be super responsible and take things on that just don't belong to you. Try to let others carry their own weight without you getting involved, controlling, or correcting them. Try to learn to let go.

 

And don't let your alcoholic childhood stop you from having a child. Because from experience i can tell you, yes, having children is damn hard. But people w children seem to be happier than people without. Family is everything.

 

Take care.

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brothers343

Your in a tough one buddy. 10 years is a long time and tho your upset that she doesn't deserve anything......she actually does. Your mainly putting all of her faults in your post but we both know it takes 2 at times to make a marriege crumble. Talk to your lawyer. It sounds like you have hatred towards her. Give her what the law asks you to give and get it out the way so you can start living again. Good luck.

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We have been together ten years married 5. I was venting before. But no I feel as though wo kids if it's clear on who earned what people should leave the realtionship w what is theirs. What they earned. That's fair morally speaking. I'd never take anything from someone that I didn't earn or that didn't belong to me.

 

I get the laws don't state that but that's why I was venting. I find it appalling and no I don't think my wife who I have no Kids w who I've supported from dating through marriage should be entitled to things she didn't sweat and bleed for. Nothing ever held her back from achieving. I didn't enable her I pleaded, argued, and fought w her over finally getting her own life in order as it wasn't fair that I carry the entire load. She is just as capable as i am. 13 I did work every fri and sat night and u asked if I don't expect her to go out w her gfs. I'm reasonable I do. What I don't expect is to be lied to about the drinking and for t to occur Every weekend usually excessively. I don't expect to come home from work to find her and her friend blasted drunk. Then I continuously explain to her I'm unhappy w that and that I'm at the end of my rope w her lack of effort in the marriage and drinking and I get yes'D to death only for the cycle to repeat itself.

 

So finally yea I'm done w it. Free ride is over. I seperated from her and i Offered to leave the house but she did and rightfully so I pay all the bills and mortgage. Once seperated she was supposed to not be out drinking was supposed to get her career In order and stated she was going to counseling to help fix things. She hasn't had an interview in 4 months and quit counseling after 3 sessions. Meanwhile I went weekly every week for 4 months. Sorry but the situation is lopsided.

 

Funny Cus if she was a live in gf of 10yrs people would say bounce her out. Good riddens. I get married and now matter how much I talk to her I get taken advantage of. I finally have enough. I'm done w it. Take what's yours and leave, not my fault she can't afford a house on her own or doesn't have a career. She's responsible for her own level of success. Im venting again. It won't go to court it will be uncontested. She doesn't have it in her to deal w all that so im confident I'll be fine. Situation of Draggin the feet and games is annoying. God forbid it goes to court i have a friend who is an attorney who wont charge me and will delay the process so dam long that in the end she'll end up having to take what I'm willing to offer which Is Ressonable.

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Hi, Brady--

 

So where do things stand? Did you file? How is she dragging her feet?

 

Keep working on yourself because she is allowed to be whoever she wants. The only control you--we--have is over ourselves.

 

I find the real issue to be, why are we attracted to those who need us and . . . unmoved by competent types? I have never found competent people very attractive, and that is where I am truly messed up. Maybe you, too? Codependency is the gift that keeps on giving.

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Hey charade! Sorry for my rants. I'm just frustrated. For weeks on end she's nasty towards me through our contacts and I just sit and take it i never engage and take the Bait. But when I feel she is largely at part responsible for this happening due to her inaction and actions it's frustrating to continue to answer her in a calm neutral manner. But I have the Enitre time.

 

I haven't filed yet. This week is the week. I have been Trying to have issues worked out first prior to signing making sure we are on the same page. I asked her to tell me "you tell me what you think is fair, you tell me what you want". She drags her feet but going back and forth being nasty but Never committing to anything. I'm trying to make this as smooth as possible. Told her to tell me what she wants I'm more than open to listen. She stonewalls.

 

My first Gf was a very self motivated type. She became a well paid highly professional female w a doctorate. We were both A types. After a long relationship I prob moved on too soon and went from one extreme to another in my current wife. I know it takes two to make a marriage fail but when I person talks about making good on certain things and changes and flat out refuses to get them done it's hard for my to take an even split of the fault. During separation she quit personal counseling after only a couple sessions though I went weekly. She said she knew she had to and needed to go. And said she was going. I find out this month 4 months into the separation she has not gone and she has started going back out drinking w another female who is a legit alcoholic. It's nonsense. Also not a single interview for a career. Even know she SAYS she changed n to let me show her but she's so full of it. Her actions show she hasn't done anything except she managed to not go out drinking for a month or two. Big deal.

 

She's a nice girl but a brat and entitled. When one person is continuously inconsiderate towards another's feelings it's hard to respect that person back.

I have continued to go to counseling every week. Because I should. I haven't drank once during his entire separation. I have stayed in each weekend. I am working on myself and I am in s great place. I know not everyone is me but I expect to a certain degree to get back what I put into the relationship. I deserve a person to treat me and commit to the marriage as well as I take care of them n invest into the marriage myself. I have given her so many warnings and time to get it together. W no kids. Now I'm done w it. See what happens this week.

 

Right now she's trying so hard to make herself the victim. It's unreal.

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During separation she quit personal counseling after only a couple sessions though I went weekly. She said she knew she had to and needed to go. And said she was going. I find out this month 4 months into the separation she has not gone and she has started going back out drinking w another female who is a legit alcoholic. It's nonsense. Also not a single interview for a career.

 

I'll just point out you've gone to great pains to describe her as indecisive and irresponsible. So it's strange to see you register surprise and frustration at her indecisive and irresponsible conduct.

 

Divorce is a process, you have to let it play out. Since you're only on the first lap, settle down, be smart and follow your lawyer's advice. In a general sense, people usually get what they have coming...

 

Mr. Lucky

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In a general sense, people usually get what they have coming...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I sure hope this is the case.

 

I also hope one of them feels relief with this divorce.

 

Which one?

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Hey mr lucky. Thank you for the response. And I have been very settled during this process. My posts on this thread were written while I was escalated. To answer your question no I'm not surprised I suspected this was exactly how the separation would go.

 

I guess I'm angry that she didn't fight harder for things and I'm angry now that though I feel I have a lot I could critize her about I never do. Posting on this site is the only time i do it to vent. When we talk she points out the most petty stuff to try and be critical of how I'm handling things. Meanwhile I feel I have a ton to be critical over yet I never waste my time letting her know, it's pointless and would lead to an arguement. It's not like she'll admit fault etc. I agree w you I'm just venting as I'm entering a new stage of this process. Everything will be fine I know that. Just gets stressful as she pokes and kicks me as I lay and take it. I try not to subject myself to it But at times I Do have to talk to her to Discuss things.

 

And charger I already have some relief. I've been living alone on my own and happier For it. I know in my gut we aren't marriage compatible. Sad I'm a committed guy. I've had Two gfs one of them including my wife that's all both long term 6yrs total and 10yrs total. But my mind is clear. I don't feel as though this is a failure as I feel good that I've done what I can and was reasonable In my actions. She wouldn't meet me even 25% of the way. Can't waste my life while we have no kids together dealing w that.

Edited by Brady375
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Jersey born raised

Fair enough. Hey I am the guy that says hundreds of good reason to dvorce, none for adultery. If it is just ranting here, all good. If you are still trying to justify your decision, it is the right one.

 

What as your lawyer told you to expect. Your ex might legally be able to claim some ownership in the home and long term investments. Here is a good link

State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source

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AMarriedMan
Marriage does count for something; it's not all just dollar signs.

 

Marriage is a dying institution in all of the developed world. What does marriage have to offer for a man that is not readily available without marriage?

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The_Dork_Lard
Marriage is a dying institution in all of the developed world. What does marriage have to offer for a man that is not readily available without marriage?

 

Absolutely nothing! It's nothing more than a mal-connective bizarre love triangle with the state, and certainly doesn't save you from the abyss. Quite the opposite in fact.

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HopeForTomorrow
Marriage is a dying institution in all of the developed world. What does marriage have to offer for a man that is not readily available without marriage?

 

Hopefully it isn't just offering something to the man.

 

If your member name is any indication, you must have believed in it at least once, no?

 

It may be a dying institution, but from looking around me I'm not sure I see any kind of improvement the way things are now.

 

Absolutely nothing! It's nothing more than a mal-connective bizarre love triangle with the state, and certainly doesn't save you from the abyss. Quite the opposite in fact.

 

Call me old fashioned, but there is something about having that connection to the person you love. It's more than just living together. It's much more of a commitment. Having that person's back - always. Being a couple - always. Being one. Knowing you're planning to live the rest of your life together. Planning your future. Then living that future, whether it be sunning on a beach somewhere in the later years, spending time with grandchildren, running a restaurant and a general store in some beautiful little town.

 

No, it doesn't always work, but if both people are like-minded, the dream can happen.

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The_Dork_Lard

 

 

 

Call me old fashioned, but there is something about having that connection to the person you love. It's more than just living together. It's much more of a commitment. Having that person's back - always. Being a couple - always. Being one. Knowing you're planning to live the rest of your life together. Planning your future. Then living that future, whether it be sunning on a beach somewhere in the later years, spending time with grandchildren, running a restaurant and a general store in some beautiful little town.

 

No, it doesn't always work, but if both people are like-minded, the dream can happen.

 

But this imagery you create can exist without state sanction. Why does the status of that bond need to be recognised by another body of people? Does that not add another layer of complexity that doesn't need to be there?

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HopeForTomorrow
But this imagery you create can exist without state sanction. Why does the status of that bond need to be recognised by another body of people? Does that not add another layer of complexity that doesn't need to be there?

 

For me, that imagery is associated with being married to the person you love. But no, it doesn't HAVE to be sanctioned by anyone.

 

However, in some places, even if you don't legally marry you are considered common law after a period of time, and there you go again with the state sanctions.

 

If a man wanted to live with me but not be married to me, I would have to wonder why. I would expect him to feel the same. And something would be missing. Different strokes for different folks.

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The_Dork_Lard
However, in some places, even if you don't legally marry you are considered common law after a period of time, and there you go again with the state sanctions.

 

Yes, I know, ha ha. Hence why I have a few bundles of hard earned cash stashed away where nobody knows about them! They're never getting declared! Never!

 

 

If a man wanted to live with me but not be married to me, I would have to wonder why.

 

It could be that he's spent his life thinking deeply about the world in which he resides, and has reached deep philosophical conclusions about the social structures and institutions that we're bound by, and chooses to reject them for something more personal, more visceral, more authentic in his mind. I mean, marriage has a code of practice, a script that needs to be followed, it sort of inhibits things, don't you think?

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HopeForTomorrow
It could be that he's spent his life thinking deeply about the world in which he resides, and has reached deep philosophical conclusions about the social structures and institutions that we're bound by, and chooses to reject them for something more personal, more visceral, more authentic in his mind.

 

Or maybe he just doesn't like me enough :lmao:

 

I mean, marriage has a code of practice, a script that needs to be followed, it sort of inhibits things, don't you think?

 

Inhibits things how? Emotionally? Sexually? Financially? I'm not sure what you mean.

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Marriage is a dying institution in all of the developed world. What does marriage have to offer for a man that is not readily available without marriage?

 

That's a ridiculous question. Marriage is a man's construct, for the benefit of men, to prolong men's lives and ensure survival of the man's genes.

 

The State is involved in the interests of women and children.

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We have been together ten years married 5. I was venting before. But no I feel as though wo kids if it's clear on who earned what people should leave the realtionship w what is theirs. What they earned. That's fair morally speaking. I'd never take anything from someone that I didn't earn or that didn't belong to me.

 

I get the laws don't state that but that's why I was venting. I find it appalling and no I don't think my wife who I have no Kids w who I've supported from dating through marriage should be entitled to things she didn't sweat and bleed for. Nothing ever held her back from achieving. I didn't enable her I pleaded, argued, and fought w her over finally getting her own life in order as it wasn't fair that I carry the entire load. She is just as capable as i am. 13 I did work every fri and sat night and u asked if I don't expect her to go out w her gfs. I'm reasonable I do. What I don't expect is to be lied to about the drinking and for t to occur Every weekend usually excessively. I don't expect to come home from work to find her and her friend blasted drunk. Then I continuously explain to her I'm unhappy w that and that I'm at the end of my rope w her lack of effort in the marriage and drinking and I get yes'D to death only for the cycle to repeat itself.

 

So finally yea I'm done w it. Free ride is over. I seperated from her and i Offered to leave the house but she did and rightfully so I pay all the bills and mortgage. Once seperated she was supposed to not be out drinking was supposed to get her career In order and stated she was going to counseling to help fix things. She hasn't had an interview in 4 months and quit counseling after 3 sessions. Meanwhile I went weekly every week for 4 months. Sorry but the situation is lopsided.

 

Funny Cus if she was a live in gf of 10yrs people would say bounce her out. Good riddens. I get married and now matter how much I talk to her I get taken advantage of. I finally have enough. I'm done w it. Take what's yours and leave, not my fault she can't afford a house on her own or doesn't have a career. She's responsible for her own level of success. Im venting again. It won't go to court it will be uncontested. She doesn't have it in her to deal w all that so im confident I'll be fine. Situation of Draggin the feet and games is annoying. God forbid it goes to court i have a friend who is an attorney who wont charge me and will delay the process so dam long that in the end she'll end up having to take what I'm willing to offer which Is Ressonable.

 

Um, she's not your live-in GF of 10 years, she's your wife. In case you haven't figured it out yet, the rest of society believes you are responsible for her because she IS your wife. What did you think your marriage vows meant? That you would get your way for the rest of your life?? So you ignore your wife completely during weekends, think you're better than her, and b**ch about how she's not what you think she should be, threaten her and give her ultimatums, and she's supposed to care what you want?

 

Good luck, OP. Just remember, you can blame her, compare her to whomever you like, dump her and move on. But wherever you go, you are still stuck with yourself.

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