I think my Husband has Grass is Greener Syndrome

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

Ok let me start from somewhat the beginning, My husband and I both met while we were serving in the Army back in 2011. I was 19 and he was 25, we were friends first and dated for 2 years (one of those years we were deployed overseas together) We got married the day after we came back from Kuwait in 2013. Everything was good, of course we had our fights here and there...We ended up getting out of the service and moved to Denver (2014). We had a lot of fun finding a place to live and added a new dog to our pack (we have 3). Just a side note, the way he would look at me would be with total love and admiration, he would always say our marriage was the best, and that he was so happy I was his wife.

Anyways I found a job months before he did, he was struggling to find one for a long time. Once he did find a job it was not a very "prestigious" one. He would work long hours, complain about it, and once he worked two weeks straight with just one day off. He started to not want to hang out with me, wanted time alone, and that is when I lost it...I told him I felt neglected and he got mad at me and said "I work hard to give you what you want, and you are never satisfied. Now that the attention is not on you, you feel like this? Let me tell you something not everything is about you." anyways we got into a super big fight...the biggest one our relationship has ever had. It got to the point where he left...for 30 days (Oct 2015). I did feel abandoned, but I never asked where he was or what he was doing while he was gone. I did, however, do what you aren't supposed to...I begged and texted him not to end it. He did eventually come home after the 30 days...just a few days before thanksgiving. He said he would work on it, but there were no guarantee that his feelings would come back, since he no longer loved me. Let me just say it was rough, whoever he was hanging out with or something definitely influenced him in a negative way...we fought the first few weeks over simple things like his room being messy (he said he would stay in the quest room until he wanted to come to the marital bed), him going out with his friends and staying out all night without checking in. He said he was just used to not texting me anymore. I really don't know...anyways fast forward things got better, we ended up being back to where we somewhat were, minus the intimacy. We did have a talk and I said I felt like we were roommates more than married. He said he did not want to kiss me before he left to work or anything like that until he truly meant it. During Valentines day (2016) he went out got me flowers, chocolates, and a stuffed panda bear. We made love that night like never before. I was so happy I wanted to cry...I was like wow...He is doing something and its because he means it. Two days later we were watching TV and he said he no longer wanted to be married. I said it sucked...I cried...I could not help the tears from coming, but it was a calm talk...I said you know, I cannot force you to stay, I do want you to be happy and if you think leaving will make you happy then I support your decision....He agreed that he did not try as hard as I did to save our marriage. His reasons for wanting a divorce are because...He never got to be who he wanted to be. He grew up in a very strict house on how to look and be, he moved in with his sister with more rules, joined the Army and of course there are rules there, then he got married...where there are rules as well.

I told him I do not really understand why he feels he needs to leave to be himself, since I am very accepting of who he is. There are seriously no other women in the picture. I asked if he wanted to just experience other women...and he said he could not imagine even being in another relationship anytime soon, he just wants to go on a spiritual journey. Buy an RV travel and just be alone.

I started looking into it and it seems he has a lot of the Grass is greener syndrome. Idk mixed with a midlife crisis. I feel he is just in a dumb job, and doesn't know what he has accomplished in life. All I know is that he is throwing away a very good relationship. I hope he realizes that when he leaves.

As of right now, March 2016 we are "friends" he stays in the guest room we have. I told him I can put aside my feelings to live together until he saves up to move out. Of course I want him out ASAP, but I do not want him to struggle. We do get along very well, we go out together, he is teaching me to skateboard, and we watch tv and stuff together everyday. We even have a college class together (that no one even knows we got problems)

I know what you all are thinking...he is just being nice so he doesn't have to pay you anything or so that you are nice to sign the papers. Let me just say...as hurt as I am we already agreed he will sign a statement saying he will help pay bills until I find a room mate, or sell the house, and whatever is his is his (we don't own anything together) and whatever is mine is mine. I do not want his car or any of his belongings. I am angry, hurt and sad, but my love that I do have for him overshadows materialistic things.

 

Anyways...I guess what I want to ask you guys is do you think he has GIGS? Do you think he will miss what he has?

Edited March 7, 2016 by MajesticCoffeeLover

[Satu]

Ok let me start from somewhat the beginning, My husband and I both met while we were serving in the Army back in 2011. I was 19 and he was 25, we were friends first and dated for 2 years (one of those years we were deployed overseas together) We got married the day after we came back from Kuwait in 2013. Everything was good, of course we had our fights here and there...We ended up getting out of the service and moved to Denver (2014). We had a lot of fun finding a place to live and added a new dog to our pack (we have 3). Just a side note, the way he would look at me would be with total love and admiration, he would always say our marriage was the best, and that he was so happy I was his wife.

 

Anyways I found a job months before he did, he was struggling to find one for a long time. Once he did find a job it was not a very "prestigious" one. He would work long hours, complain about it, and once he worked two weeks straight with just one day off. He started to not want to hang out with me, wanted time alone, and that is when I lost it...I told him I felt neglected and he got mad at me and said "I work hard to give you what you want, and you are never satisfied. Now that the attention is not on you, you feel like this? Let me tell you something not everything is about you." anyways we got into a super big fight...the biggest one our relationship has ever had. It got to the point where he left...for 30 days (Oct 2015). I did feel abandoned, but I never asked where he was or what he was doing while he was gone. I did, however, do what you aren't supposed to...I begged and texted him not to end it. He did eventually come home after the 30 days...just a few days before thanksgiving. He said he would work on it, but there were no guarantee that his feelings would come back, since he no longer loved me. Let me just say it was rough, whoever he was hanging out with or something definitely influenced him in a negative way...we fought the first few weeks over simple things like his room being messy (he said he would stay in the quest room until he wanted to come to the marital bed), him going out with his friends and staying out all night without checking in. He said he was just used to not texting me anymore. I really don't know...anyways fast forward things got better, we ended up being back to where we somewhat were, minus the intimacy. We did have a talk and I said I felt like we were roommates more than married. He said he did not want to kiss me before he left to work or anything like that until he truly meant it. During Valentines day (2016) he went out got me flowers, chocolates, and a stuffed panda bear. We made love that night like never before. I was so happy I wanted to cry...I was like wow...He is doing something and its because he means it. Two days later we were watching TV and he said he no longer wanted to be married. I said it sucked...I cried...I could not help the tears from coming, but it was a calm talk...I said you know, I cannot force you to stay, I do want you to be happy and if you think leaving will make you happy then I support your decision....He agreed that he did not try as hard as I did to save our marriage. His reasons for wanting a divorce are because...He never got to be who he wanted to be. He grew up in a very strict house on how to look and be, he moved in with his sister with more rules, joined the Army and of course there are rules there, then he got married...where there are rules as well.

 

I told him I do not really understand why he feels he needs to leave to be himself, since I am very accepting of who he is. There are seriously no other women in the picture. I asked if he wanted to just experience other women...and he said he could not imagine even being in another relationship anytime soon, he just wants to go on a spiritual journey. Buy an RV travel and just be alone.

 

I started looking into it and it seems he has a lot of the Grass is greener syndrome. Idk mixed with a midlife crisis. I feel he is just in a dumb job, and doesn't know what he has accomplished in life. All I know is that he is throwing away a very good relationship. I hope he realises that when he leaves.

 

As of right now, March 2016 we are "friends" he stays in the guest room we have. I told him I can put aside my feelings to live together until he saves up to move out. Of course I want him out ASAP, but I do not want him to struggle. We do get along very well, we go out together, he is teaching me to skateboard, and we watch tv and stuff together everyday. We even have a college class together (that no one even knows we got problems)

 

I know what you all are thinking...he is just being nice so he doesn't have to pay you anything or so that you are nice to sign the papers. Let me just say...as hurt as I am we already agreed he will sign a statement saying he will help pay bills until I find a room mate, or sell the house, and whatever is his is his (we don't own anything together) and whatever is mine is mine. I do not want his car or any of his belongings. I am angry, hurt and sad, but my love that I do have for him overshadows materialistic things.

 

It's much easier to read something when it's in reader-friendly formatting.

 

 

I don't think that his specific reasons for leaving the marriage are that significant.

 

What is significant is the fact that he's made his mind up.

 

Whatever reasons he has are good enough for him.

 

As a consequence of that, you should work on acceptance.

 

I know thats not what you'd like to hear, but I think you need to hear it.

 

 

Finish all your business and let him go.

[Grumpybutfun]

Never settle or accept anything less than kindness, respect, and ongoing admiration. No, I think he wants to be single and he just isn't that into you. You fulfilled a need he had, but once you did, he lost interest because it fed his ego. My question is why would you want to be with him after he basically blew up your life?

Good luck, move on, this wasn't love,

Grumps

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

Satu: Sorry was my first post in any type of forum ever I am not too familiar with how this works.

Grumpy but fun: Thanks for the input...I have had the same feelings. I get in moods where I am like...did our relationship even mean anything if he is willing to throw it away so easily. It gets a little easier to let go everyday...but like I said it still hurts.

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

Also my close friends say he might just be jealous of my success since we have been out of the military...I travel to modeling gigs every now and then, I was in a calendar and got a lot of publicity from that. As well as I do public speaking events here and there...I am in the Army reserves and was gone for that...as well to train for a new MOS. I have so much going on that maybe he felt neglected too. Idk I really feel it was out of the blue.

[BuddyX]

Your man appears to quickly blame others when sh*t hits the fan. He needs to become a man.

 

Bitching about his job is not sexy. Leaving for a month is not sexy.

 

So what if he didn't live out his life. No one put a gun to his head and made you marry you. He has to man up. Since you guys don't have kids this transition (whatever you decide to do) will be a lot easier. And btw, do not get pregnant now. It will only complicate matters.

 

Oh and grass is greener on the other side? Let him go then, and tell him "Grass might be greener on the other side, but you still have to mow the lawn".

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

BuddyX: Yes, he never admits his faults, & is never the one in the wrong or to say sorry. I put up with a lot...I really do think I am stupid for loving him so much...when all he has been doing is breaking my heart the past 6 months. Everyone says I can do way better and deserve a man that loves me above everything regardless if times are tough. One huge argument and he runs away...that is something I can't get over. But yes yes yes....he needs to man up.

[Mr. Lucky]

anyways we got into a super big fight...the biggest one our relationship has ever had. It got to the point where he left...for 30 days (Oct 2015). I did feel abandoned, but I never asked where he was or what he was doing while he was gone.

 

MajesticCoffeeLover, where do you think he was over the 30 days? Who do you think he's with when he's out all night?

 

He's playing you for free room/board while he plays the field at the same time. Why would you put up with this ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

If you haven't already done so....I'd start dressing up to the nines and socialising with friends and meeting new people.

 

Don't hang around the house feeling sad... even if you just pop to a coffee shop and read a book. Just don't let him think you're waiting for him to change his mind.

 

You don't need to tell him where you're going. Just always look on point.

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

SandyLee1: Thanks for the advice! I have planned a night out with my coworkers....where I do not plan to come home till the next day.

Since he has told me he no longer wants to be married..we have not had intercourse. I do not text him at all, but he messages me during the day to strike up conversation (when I was trying to fix things I would always text him first every morning something sweet) I no longer do this...& he has actually been going to work/school and coming straight home. He rarely looks at his phone...and we drink together when we have days off...and shoot the ish all night. Idk...I slowly see the "old" him coming back, I do not think he will change his mind. Of course I wanted him home and to work things out, but if we divorce I can walk away knowing I tried my darnest. (When we divorce I told him I would not be able to be his friend and that I would not like to stay in contact...it is not used as a threat, It's so I can fully move on)

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

So I will not go over the whole story again, but my husband and I worked on things for 6 months...and things were going back to normal, he came back to bed with me, started kissing me before work, we hung out a lot...went on "Dates" and it was REALLY great. I had a military training event coming up where I would leave for 2 weeks, and for some reason I just could not shake this weird feeling that he was doing something shady behind my back. So I cracked his phone and it turns out you all were right there was a girl that he was talking to (3 in fact) and it was a co-worker, he was telling her he wanted her to come over while I was away.

Keep in mind he was the one that originally wanted the divorce and I held on as much as I could, he was sleeping like a baby right next to me when I was reading away. I simply tapped his shoulder and said I did not want him sleeping with me, and he says "What??? are you serious?!" and I was like Yes, I know you are talking to another girl...so I do not want to be near you it's disgusting. So he leaves the room and I take a shower. I lay in my bed afterwards not able to sleep and he comes back in and says "Do you want to talk about this?" and I say..."No what is there to talk about??, I am so disgusted right now, and I am tired of your sick mind games, and want you out of the house tomorrow. Take 2 weeks worth of clothes and we will figure it out when I get back, best believe I will be filing for divorce."

So the next day I am running around trying to find a place for my dogs to stay while I am away, in the mean time he is home getting his stuff together. When I get home we do not say a word, and when he is finished he gives me his house key, and leaves. He was super pissed, and it just astounds me, he was the one that originally wanted this and now that I am finally done being played with he wants to be mad? Why is he so mad? I am giving him space I have gone NC, for the exception of "bill business" but that is it, he has attitude...and it confuses me...wouldn't he be happy I am finally agreeing? I am totally done, I am so serious about this divorce now. Next step is...I want all of his stuff out of the house, the sooner the better...his side chicks can have him! (there are actually 3 co-workers he is talking to, but there is a main one) I deserve so much better and everyone says I should have done this a long time ago because in reality he is a 4 or 5 in the looks department and I was way out of his league from the get go...the girls he has picked are ugly so its very sad, and makes me feel really ****ty about myself esteem wise, (but I model so I know its not the case. ) Anyway...I am ready to move on I am 24 years young! why not?....6 months ago I was a hot mess begging and crying, now I have not shed one tear over this...It does bother me, but at the same time I have to do what is best for me. Please give me thoughts on why he is being so mad...I feel he has no right...he got caught and now he can be out on the streets for all I care. I can only go so long before my kindness is taken advantage of, and I FINALLY put my foot down. I am serious and I think that is what he does not like. (I am tired of being weak)

[Bufo]

Simple. His lovely fantasy world of multiple adoring women including the hot one he lives with has suddenly come crashing down. And his mask has been pulled off-- he really is deep down inside a cheater and a liar.

 

Decisive action after evaluating the situation. Sound like any training you have ever had??? The correct answer is yes because that's precisely what you have done. Good for you. Do you see him getting smaller in the rear view mirror yet? Take a look and I think you'll agree I'm right.

 

We'll cover your 6 as best we can but you must keep us situationally aware through posting.

[Conclude]

I hate you are experiencing this as well. I am starting to feel this way about my wife. I found out she has some secret contacts she lied about, and it's just making me callused towards reconciliation. I know it sounds shallow to say this, but I am with you on the looks thing. I know I could have been with someone way more gorgeous than my wife, but I fell in love with her because of who she was more than her looks. The girl next door kind of vibes. She is still very attractive, but I know in a shallow sense I could be with someone much more attractive than her. I was the great catch for her, and she has told me before.

 

The only reason I say this, is because looking at it now, being the dumped person, I feel subconsciously this has been effecting me the same way as you. It makes me feel incredibly unattractive and like a failure, while I think on some weird deep level my wife is getting off on the turned tables and level of power she has had in our separation.

 

Spending a lot of time with my friends though, lately, has put me in several situations chatting at get togethers with a few women in my friends circles. The conversations I get in, I know I could escalate into potential dates if I was single, and it feels good to have some kind of confirmation that I am still attractive from being actively engaged by these women. I have no plans on looking for any form of casual or emotional extramarital affairs, but the amount of self esteem restored from skirting the edge of flirting has been a real boost in loving who I am as an individual separate from my wife again. Knowing that from experiencing the interest has helped the healing in a way that just telling myself that I'm attractive never could.

 

I think this has the potential to be dangerous, especially for someone taking the moral high road, even while their spouse is having an affair. If you make sure your friends are looking out for you to help you stay out of trouble, and you avoid one on one situations or getting isolated if alcohol is involved, it could be a really healthy way to restore some lost confidence, especially if you are the dumped spouse.

 

CoffeeLover, don't let your husband's decisions bring you down on your self image. You say you do modeling, so I am sure all you need to solidify your confidence is a little confirmation and reassurance. As far as your husband, I think he got the attention from the other women, and liked it a little too much. It's like the deployment 10, or queen for a year.

 

In a normal situation, that kind of person might act appropriately. Given certain circumstances, some people find themselves at the center of attention ( the library effect ) that they would never have gotten in ordinary circumstances. This level of power goes to their heads, and instills an arrogant cockiness and overestimated confidence. A big fish in a small pond complex would describe it well. I imagine if they are in a relationship, they begin to question what they have over what they believe they can get. If you throw in the chemical infatuation, and a multitude of other factors, then they may act on that logic, especially when a marriage is having issues.

 

One thing in your situation that I am experiencing right now is a confusion towards letting go of the relationship and moving on or working towards reconciliation. I was the spouse that didn't want separation or divorce, and I've been in limbo for a while. It is really closing my heart towards reconciliation, and making me actively start to strongly dislike my wife. This scares me because of the what ifs. I'm scared that staying like this too long will seal my mind on splitting our family up even if my wife tries to come back. Seeing you have the conviction to see your relationship for what it is and make the right call and turn the tables though gives me hope that I will make the right choice when the time comes. Thanks for sharing and I hope your personal situation improves!

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

Hey guys! It has been quite awhile!!! My EX HUSBAND and I have been divorced for I feel like a year now....???...Idk...When we decided to divorce he became official with his gf at work. We got the papers signed and turned in and 6 months later he wanted to come home and start allllll over...at that point I was still so bitter I told him hell no!...even though we are totally divorced and it has been awhile he still likes to text me or make my life hell for reasons I do not understand. I have been single since and have recently started getting back in the dating game! I changed schools and love it!!! My modeling has picked up and I have had interviews, gigs and so many opportunites I have been able to do...because of the availability. I have to say I am NOT 100% healed, I am afraid to open up or let someone in, but I am happy...finally. I have made so many new friends and honestly I think "him" cheating on me might have been the best thing to happen to me. Thank you guys for being there for me to vent to...I had nobody (besides my family and a few close friends) to vent to or that understood...If you are going through this hard time in your life regarding your relationship or marriage...just know you should never let or allow someone to make you feel so low. Take this time to focus on yourself. Much Love guys!! <3

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

Ok...I thought my last post was going to be final but 2 days ago my ex husband called me. We never really talk unless its regarding legal stuff, accounts we had and past taxes. Even then its all over text. Anyways, he calls and says I don’t want to talk about financials...I have no friends or anyone to talk to and the friends I do have are mutual with my gf. So anything I say will get back to her. I was skeptical but lended an ear. He said that things were very rocky for quite sometime. His gf (the one he cheated on me with) was controlling and never let him do anything. If he did go out he had to call her every 30 mins. He said that he got into a huge fight with her (he was drunk and egged her on) and she hit him...so he left...and is going out of state...to think about things! Lmfao...HE IS DOING THE SAME EXACT THING TO HER!! Blaming her instead of owning up to his own faults. He said he has noticed a trend and he doesn’t like it and that he notices when things get tough he runs. He said he neglected me and should have tried harder. I thought it was all one cosmic joke...I told him that it was funny because my very last words to his gf were this “You guys deserve each other. You think you won but its not going to be all fun and games when he does it to you.” He was like you really said that to her??? And I said yes...because I knew you weren’t going to change and you rushed from one relationship to another. As for me I had my fun for over a year and met someone when I wasn’t even looking. I took your insults and actually worked on myself and have a relationship that I have to pinch myself to make sure it’s real. My ex was like yeah I am a pig...he also said he just wants to move back to Michigan and forget about this place. He quit his job finally...the one he complained about and I said ABOUT TIME!!!!!

Anyway we talked for a bit and I told him that I have had since OCT 2015 to mend and start the healing process. (We weren’t divorced but man was the marriage dead and he was secretly with the other gal.) I have no hard feelings and genuinley want things to work out for him...I said I don’t even hate your gf anymore...just know you aren’t married & still have a chance to be a bachelor.

Ok ok ok...I do feel very liberated I feel in the end it all came full circle. I am soooo happy to be free of him. Like I said in my last post I am in a better spot. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. -FIN

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy hasn't changed one single bit, and is selfish and self-involved as ever.

 

Thank goodness he is not your headache anymore. I wouldn't indulge his poor-me sessions. Let him call his buddies instead. Calling you to complain about his former affair partner is absurd.

[PegNosePete]

Calling you to complain about his former affair partner is absurd.

Exactly. Next time he calls just tell him he is reaping what he sowed and hang up.

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

@ExpatInItaly Yes! When we did our 6 month “working on things” I cannot tell you how miserable I was. He insulted my self help books and said I would never change. That he felt sorry for whoever ended up with me next. I admit I wasn’t perfect but he was very manipulative. I have talked to several friends including my bf about this and they all said he is not your friend & he shouldn’t be calling you. He seems to finally realize he let something good go. Like you said not my headache. I will have to let him know he can’t be calling.

[MajesticCoffeeLover]

@PegNosePete I’ve had years to get over what he did and so it didn’t phase me when he was talking about her. There is no chance I would ever entertain getting back together...idk if his intent was to see if I was in a relationship or to let me know he was going to be abailable soon.....but it is absurd.