Jump to content

She said she wants a divorce


Recommended Posts

So, a little over 5 years ago my wife of 13 years came to me and said she wanted a divorce. She said she was unhappy because she wanted to go on hikes, go to the ballet, and just do stuff on the weekends and not stay home. We have four sons, at the time 17, 13, 12, and 7. I knew she was not happy and would ask what was wrong but never got a real reply, it was always nothing or I'm just tired. I was shocked when she told me she wanted a divorce.

 

After about 3 months we decided neither of us really wanted a divorce and decided to reconcile. I developed trust issues in that time, mostly because she told me she had slept with another man the year before. She then recanted some time later say, she just wanted me to be ok with getting the divorce.

 

Fast forward to Sept 2015 and married almost 18 years. My wife is sad and I ask, whats the matter? She struggles and then says she wants a divorce. I am a bit surprised as I thought things had gotten better. Not by a huge margin but we were getting better, or so I thought. Again she say she is not happy, she is turning 40 and only has one life to live and wants to go out and do things. I had gotten complacent in our reconciliation and only had taken her to the ballet once (Box seats though), Road trips to Vegas, San Diego and a few other places.

 

I ask her, lets not divorce lets go talk to someone, setup counseling as we obviously are not communicating well. She say I have already filed......

 

Well, we should be close to the end of the process but do to the court clerk accepting an amended filing after the five year mark of the original filing, our case was closed and now we are starting the process from square one AGAIN...

 

I still let her know I have no want to get divorced and think we can work out our issues and problems but we seriously have to have open communication. She says no, but she loves me and thinks we are bad for each other. She needs to be out on her own and prove herself and asks how can we be together if we don't trust each other? I reply, it will be hard work as trust is not given its earned but I am willing and able to do the work. She say, she has to be strong as she is giving up on our love and feels she has to do this.

 

Am I just a fool who cant let go? Blinded and not seeing what is obvious to others? Blinded by my want not to end this?

Link to post
Share on other sites

It's a sad thing to say, but the truth is that she just doesn't want to be with you anymore. She feels unfulfilled and constrained in the relationship.

 

You can't make somebody want something they don't want, and if you resist this, it will just make it harder for all concerned.

 

Its time to give up.

 

Agree to an amicable and fair divorce.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's a sad thing to say, but the truth is that she just doesn't want to be with you anymore. She feels unfulfilled and constrained in the relationship.

 

You can't make somebody want something they don't want, and if you resist this, it will just make it harder for all concerned.

 

Its time to give up.

 

Agree to an amicable and fair divorce.

@Satu :

You are probably right. Its a difficult thing to admit to oneself when you have spent almost half your lifetime with a person building a life, and family together.

 

an Amicable and fair divorce would be nice. I say spilt everything 50/50 Debts, assets etc... Unfortunately MSTBX seems to think amicable and fair means she get an 80/20 spilt for her to get assets in her favor and me to get 80/20 split in favor of carrying the majority of the debt.

 

We'll see how it all plays out. Lets see if she can stop asphyxiating herself through rectal cranial insertion, and understand amicable and fair means 50/50.

Edited by Mundo
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
amicable and fair means 50/50.

No, "fair" very rarely means 50/50. Assets are not the only thing that is taken into account here. There are many factors specific to each individual case that determine what is "fair" to a court. And at the end of the day, that's what matters: what would a court rule? If you're only offering her 50% of assets, then she will be asking her lawyer, "could I get a better deal by going to court?"

 

You should really see a lawyer to get an assessment of what is "fair".

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you not allow her to do things like hiking, movies and weekend trips without you?

 

Maybe you are too smothering. Maybe you both are but it bothers her more.

 

Maybe allowing her some space to do things by herself and/or with friends (female ones!) will save your marriage.

 

You should do the same too with your male friends.

 

Whatever you do, don't allow her to "separate" from you and stay in that limbo. It's either full divorce or fully stay together.

Edited by Popsicle
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Get a lawyer if you don't have one. Divorce is very complex, and the laws differ greatly from state to state - so it depends on where you live, how long you've been married, relative income levels, and how custody is shared. She may get alimony, child support, and a larger share of assets, maybe the house, etc., unless you protect yourself. You can often trade off assets for alimony. Some states will give her alimony for life, others will only give temporary or rehabilitative alimony. You need to find out what you're facing.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Let her go, first of all she's already cheated on you in the past and so you rug sweep that affair. Which only makes him continue cheating and lying that's what Rick sweeping does. there which probably continued the whole time or it's most likely she's been doing is she's been having multiple Affairs with multiple OM's. she's lost all respect for You. it's more then likely you are what we call a nice guy women chew them up, just like your wife has been doing to you and your four sons. Anyways do the 180. Oh expose her to everybody you can even expose OM's wife make sure all for your sons know that you're her mother cheated she's most likely still cheating on you and your four sons cheating destroys a whole time five years ago. And if she still is having an affair this will Bring her out of the fog. Affairs thrive in secrecy so when you bring it on out into the light where everybody knows kind of takes the fun out of them and the excitement.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Let her go, first of all she's already cheated on you in the past and so you rug sweep that affair. Which only makes him continue cheating and lying that's what Rick sweeping does. there which probably continued the whole time or it's most likely she's been doing is she's been having multiple Affairs with multiple OM's. she's lost all respect for You. it's more then likely you are what we call a nice guy women chew them up, just like your wife has been doing to you and your four sons. Anyways do the 180. Oh expose her to everybody you can even expose OM's wife make sure all for your sons know that you're her mother cheated she's most likely still cheating on you and your four sons cheating destroys a whole time five years ago. And if she still is having an affair this will Bring her out of the fog. Affairs thrive in secrecy so when you bring it on out into the light where everybody knows kind of takes the fun out of them and the excitement.

 

Um.. No! Speaking as a self-appointed representative of nice guys who have been chewed up and spit out:

 

Children are entitled and deserve to maintain and continue development of their own relationship with the other parent free from coloration and distortions that serve only to benefit the betrayed adult, or any party on one side of an argument.

 

If there is real abuse deal with that. The children and community at large are not instruments to be used for revenge.

 

As for the divorce itself yes, let her go. The relationship will change but, you will have stability and certainty within your own space. That's where the real benefit lies for you.

Edited by RRM321
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Is it possible she's met someone else? Better look into that. Fifty fifty is right and fair, it's selfish of her to get more than that, especially if there's something waiting in the wings for her. (IF she is cheating).

 

It's a shame she has no interest in trying to reconnect and fix things, to walk out of a long marriage and family life without trying is sad and not right.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Do you not allow her to do things like hiking, movies and weekend trips without you?

 

Maybe you are too smothering. Maybe you both are but it bothers her more.

 

Maybe allowing her some space to do things by herself and/or with friends (female ones!) will save your marriage.

 

You should do the same too with your male friends.

 

Whatever you do, don't allow her to "separate" from you and stay in that limbo. It's either full divorce or fully stay together.

Actualy , I do not prevent her or discourage her from going out with her girl friends. What I find a bit discouraging is that she puts the effort in to make plans with her friends and family but not with me. If I made no plans for us then we would do nothing, and yet one of her complaints is we dont go out and do things.

 

Right now with out her considering reconciliation, its a full on divorce and Im driving it to completion as fast as the corts will allow. We have up untill the our final papers are sign to talk. Until then I will not allow for a delay or let her slow roll it. Her buying groceries and me still handeling every expense = free ride for her, that will end quickly.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Get a lawyer if you don't have one. Divorce is very complex, and the laws differ greatly from state to state - so it depends on where you live, how long you've been married, relative income levels, and how custody is shared. She may get alimony, child support, and a larger share of assets, maybe the house, etc., unless you protect yourself. You can often trade off assets for alimony. Some states will give her alimony for life, others will only give temporary or rehabilitative alimony. You need to find out what you're facing.

Yup got a lawyer on retainer niw but just as a consultant and not representing me. Im in Ca so even though we have agreed to 50/50 custodey she will still get spousal and child support and Im fine with that to a point. Since its a long term marriage there is no end date for alimony, however I can have a gavron warning issued that would force her to make a "resonable" attempt to become self supporting in a resonable amount off time. You can bet I will be asking for this to be issued.

 

As far as her previous affair. I deluded myself in beliving her when she recanted just because I wanted it o be true. She may be having an affair now or at the very least going out with OM since we started this up again in Sept '15 god only knows. I will no longer be the back up or fallback option.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Is she a stay at home mom, and if not what is her income compared to yours?

No she is no longer stay at home. The last 6 years she has been working. When she said she wsned to go back to work I tried to encourage her to go back to school first so she would have some ecucation/training to add to her resume, I even asked if she would do trade school. Her repy to all that was no, schools not my thing.

 

I make a little more than 4x her salary.

 

One other of her complaints, she is not happy with the life we have and fits nit what she wanted. And yet because of the antiquated laws fom the 50's I have to maintain her lifestyle she became acustomed to during marriage, WTF. What about the lifestyle my kids were acustom too, our even me!

 

Will she cook three times a week or clean the house once every three months? Nope, but I get to pay her alimony that is equal to 75% of her current salary.

 

I had no problem taking care of her whilst she was my "loving and caring" wife, but now...... why do I get pinalized for her calling it quits. Had I cheated, treated her bad or abused her then sure, but I did none of those things.....

 

Maybe I should have treated her like her 1st husband and been a complete ass to her. He got off scott free..

 

 

As you can tell I still runningg through a wide range of emotions ....

 

Still working on it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

My XWW did the same (exact) thing to me.

 

I was married to a great woman with kids and thought we had a wonderful life. I was constantly being reassured that she felt the same.

 

Then one day she decided she wasn't happy. She told me that we never did or went anywhere together (absolutely not true). She was basically re-writing our marital history so much that I didn't recognize it as being the same marriage I was in with her. This was year 13 of our marriage, with 3 kids and just before she was to turn 40. I reacted by busting my ass to take her on trips, dinners, shows...everywhere I could possibly take her to make her happy. I did this for over a year and guess what? I discovered that she was cheating on me the entire time and it had been going on for 1 1/2 years!

 

I spent another year trying to win her back while she was remorseless and without empathy. That was the biggest mistake of my life and a huge waste of time and emotional energy. Then one day I woke up and found my balls. I exposed her to family, friends, and posOM's wife. After that, her affair ended (I think) but she couldn't seem to re-connect with me. I ended up filing for D and kicking her ass out.

 

This is just my opinion but I find women that cheat rarely return to their marriages emotionally. Some may stay but it's never the same. You can't trust her anymore so why would you stay with her? Save yourself years of misery only to end up divorced anyway. Do a hard 180 and go see a lawyer now. It's time to save yourself...you cant save her.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers
No she is no longer stay at home. The last 6 years she has been working. When she said she wsned to go back to work I tried to encourage her to go back to school first so she would have some ecucation/training to add to her resume, I even asked if she would do trade school. Her repy to all that was no, schools not my thing.

 

I make a little more than 4x her salary.

 

One other of her complaints, she is not happy with the life we have and fits nit what she wanted. And yet because of the antiquated laws fom the 50's I have to maintain her lifestyle she became acustomed to during marriage, WTF. What about the lifestyle my kids were acustom too, our even me!

 

Will she cook three times a week or clean the house once every three months? Nope, but I get to pay her alimony that is equal to 75% of her current salary.

 

I had no problem taking care of her whilst she was my "loving and caring" wife, but now...... why do I get pinalized for her calling it quits. Had I cheated, treated her bad or abused her then sure, but I did none of those things.....

 

Maybe I should have treated her like her 1st husband and been a complete ass to her. He got off scott free..

 

 

As you can tell I still runningg through a wide range of emotions ....

 

Still working on it.

 

Yeah it pissed me off that I would have had to pay my husband quite a chunk of change to be out if that when he was completely destroying our family. Really aggravating. But that's the deal.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You should get a lawyer and checked for STDs.

 

Also I hate to say this, but judging from your posts I doubt very much this will be an amicable divorce. You better brace yourself man.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
  • Author

Wow. Just found out that my STBX has been going out with her former boss. Coincidental that she asked me for a divorce a few weeks after she stopped reporting to him? I think not.

 

Thinking she was not faithfull and then finding out she was not doesn't lessen the impact.

 

I instantly wanted to text her about being cliche and how she continually lies.... but I didnt. I really wanted to but to what end.

 

If it wasnt clear to me before it hit me like a ton of bricks, ITS OVER....

 

The most difficult part will be keping my composure as we still live in the same house...

 

Have a court date on the 14th so hoping we kind finally move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Going to slap a Gavron Warning on her when spousal support gets awarded. Although the phrasing is a bit vauge and subjective, at least she will leagally be advised that spousal support is not intended to be perminant . She must make tangible efforts to become self supportive in a "ressonable" amount of time.

 

Whats reasonable??????

Link to post
Share on other sites

Whats reasonable??????

 

The rule here is 1/3 of the length of the marriage so 15 years = 5 years alimony.

 

What is reasonable...2 weeks!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123

Whats reasonable??????

 

Any time she determines it to be. You need to fight alimony and let the child support go for now. Getting 50/50 is a good start,even with child support,and you can go back for a modification if needed.

I'd bring up the infidelity to work against her for alimony. I was married 20 years and fought alimony.Ended up paying a small sum for 1 year.

Don't forget, if she makes under a certain amount and has physical custody of the kids,she can also claim the unearned income tax benefit. That's no small amount every year depending on the number of kids,and something most don't think about,since child support doesn't count as income.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The rule here is 1/3 of the length of the marriage so 15 years = 5 years alimony.

 

What is reasonable...2 weeks!

 

 

Here in Cali its half the term of the marriage unless the marraige in 10 years or more. Then its considered a long term marriage and no end date is set.

 

Cali's geat till you get divorced...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
The rule here is 1/3 of the length of the marriage so 15 years = 5 years alimony.

 

What is reasonable...2 weeks!

 

Whats reasonable??????

 

Any time she determines it to be. You need to fight alimony and let the child support go for now. Getting 50/50 is a good start,even with child support,and you can go back for a modification if needed.

I'd bring up the infidelity to work against her for alimony. I was married 20 years and fought alimony.Ended up paying a small sum for 1 year.

Don't forget, if she makes under a certain amount and has physical custody of the kids,she can also claim the unearned income tax benefit. That's no small amount every year depending on the number of kids,and something most don't think about,since child support doesn't count as income.

 

 

We have both agreed on 50/50 custody physical and legal.

 

What state are you in that you were able to get such a reduced alimony payment? How long did it take to settle?

 

She definitely does not make close to enough money to be self supporting.

Link to post
Share on other sites
VernonMcCoy

While having 50/50 custody, whether physical or legal, know your custody or the rights towards yourself first, then have the decision.

What kind of and what type of alimony payment should be there, know first through your laws. Divorce leads to the another phase of the life. So for this you must have the complete info on the divorce and the rights and laws.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...