sinny Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Hi! Im 43, with husband 17 years, married 11, with 2 kids ages 6 & 8. Our daily routine after work and putting kids to bed is he goes in his man cave and i stay upstairs, usually on ipad. I tell myself that my family is my priority and that I have given up alot to stay married because it is meaningful to me. My own parents divorced when i was 14. However, i feel i have outgrown my husband and find i can tolerate him but being with him is very draining. I wonder if I am wasting my life with someone whom I no longer respect. He is a good dad, does much more than most men around the house and for the kids. I feel like we don't have the same interests anymore and are not into the same things. He doesnt like to travel or do alternative things or creative things together and gets very stuck in his routine. He wants sex all the time but I can barely stand to do it with him once a week. When I try to talk to him about my issues he sometimes gets mad, but mostly just doesnt get it. He just feels like I am moody and invalidates me and carries on, taking things for granted, feeling sorry for himself if I ask him to change or try harder. I dont really care that much anymore to try any harder with him. I dont know if i should just accept this and ignore him most of the time and do my own thing, which is what seems to be happening. It is just such an energy suck. I just wonder if we are both doomed to misery by staying together. Any input is appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Dubbs Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Why don't you have sex with him? If he does more than most around the house, and is a good dad, what else is lacking? Why not go to him in the manacle and seduce him? Make him feel like a man, and I bet he returns the favor somehow? You're either not attracted to him, or lazy. If you're not attracted, move on. If you're lazy or stubborn, don't be lazy or stubborn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sinny Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Well, I have sex with him at least once a week. I just don't want to do it much more than that. Not into it and am not going to compromise and do him every time he gets excited by a breeze. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 However, i feel i have outgrown my husband and find i can tolerate him but being with him is very draining. I wonder if I am wasting my life with someone whom I no longer respect. He is a good dad, does much more than most men around the house and for the kids. I feel like we don't have the same interests anymore and are not into the same things. He doesnt like to travel or do alternative things or creative things together and gets very stuck in his routine. He wants sex all the time but I can barely stand to do it with him once a week. When I try to talk to him about my issues he sometimes gets mad, but mostly just doesnt get it. Pretty exhaustive list of the changes you're looking for from him. What compromises are you willing to make? I doubt he'd agree that he's the entire problem... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sinny Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 He doesn't think there is a problem other than that I have a problem Though I'm sure he would like more sex, he puts zero effort into making this happen Link to post Share on other sites
Brady375 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Sorry but these aren't problems to divorce over. This is a Long life time relationship and the problems your experiencing wil 100% happen in one form or Another in any relationship that mature close to 20yrs. Get into some marriage counseling to help the two of you communicate. W a third party around your concerns and his will be easier to Validate. He may be opposed to it but you need to have a clear convo w him about it. Your in a rut. You have two kids and these issues I think are normal. People run into them. In a life time relationship interests and people will change, but it seems as though overall he's a good man and a good person to you and the kids. He wants a lot of sex, it's a concern that has to be brought up be atleast he desires you. Some women can't get there husbands to touch them once a week not to mention more than once. I think some counseling would greatly help your situation. Otherwise if after 20 yrs you try to hash this out on your own a very fixable problem can grow into a more serious one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 You say that you don't respect him. And I totally understand not being attracted to someone who I don't respect. However, you don't say why you now longer respect him. Yes, I get that your interests are different, but this isn't a reason to lose respect for another person. Have you done marriage counselling? Does he know that you're contemplating leaving? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 He doesn't think there is a problem other than that I have a problem Though I'm sure he would like more sex, he puts zero effort into making this happen Perhaps he puts "zero effort" in because, to this point, things he's tried haven't gotten him more sex. Again, what changes are you willing to make? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author sinny Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Thanks so much for all your feedback. I don't respect him because I don't think he's very smart and he is not adventurous, very routine, boring, and STUCK in his ways. He is SO anxious and driven by his ego and what he thinks others think of him. I feel like I married a teenage boy sometimes. I know he is a decent person. I just wonder if we need to be married anymore. I dont really want another relationship. I just want some space and energy to live my life instead of falling into this never-ending rut with him. We did counseling twice with 2 different people. It didnt go anywhere and It was depressing that our only date night was going to see a counselor. When we do date nights other times he just wants to go to bars and listen to music he likes. He is not interested in doing what I like and I have to arrange everything or it doesnt happen. Just tired and bored of it. There's more to life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sinny Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I can roll over and just do it but I will probably not be into it and feel like Im being used and that he is clueless and gross for having sex with me when I am not feeling it. I think if he wants it so bad he should be the one putting in some effort to make me feel excited. If he would just act nice and sincere or feign some interest in me as a person for a while, maybe read the signals, throw some romance around instead of just expecting that i have do him immediately when he flashes his dick, maybe we would both get what we want. I tell him this point blank. Nothing changes. I can only surmise he is the one that is lazy and would rather porn it up 5 days a week than put effort into his marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Thanks so much for all your feedback. I don't respect him because I don't think he's very smart and he is not adventurous, very routine, boring, and STUCK in his ways. He is SO anxious and driven by his ego and what he thinks others think of him. I feel like I married a teenage boy sometimes. I know he is a decent person. I just wonder if we need to be married anymore. I dont really want another relationship. I just want some space and energy to live my life instead of falling into this never-ending rut with him. We did counseling twice with 2 different people. It didnt go anywhere and It was depressing that our only date night was going to see a counselor. When we do date nights other times he just wants to go to bars and listen to music he likes. He is not interested in doing what I like and I have to arrange everything or it doesnt happen. Just tired and bored of it. There's more to life. I am curious why you think your previous trips to marriage counseling did not go anywhere. Did you express all of the sentiments you have shared here at MC? If so, was any effort made to address these issues? If not, why not? If you expressed all of these thoughts, and you both tried to address them and to make positive changes and it still didn't work, then I might say you should consider moving on. But until then, I would urge you to consider trying MC again, making sure there is a serious effort on both your part and your husband's part to address the issues as you have laid them out here (as well as his, which I suspect are different than what you have shared) before you walk away. Just my $0.02. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Maybe talk to him about rebuilding the connection and suggest that you two find something completely new that neither one of you has done before or had interest in and start doing it as a couple- like bowling or golf or skeet shooting, an activity that is completely new to both of you, not passive or dependent upon socializing with other people, and that will make both of you feel out of your comfort zone but together. It could put you both in “beginner’s mind” and you can flounder together, have something to talk about and be kind to each other about and laugh about. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 You sound pretty far gone. He likely thinks everything is ok since he is still getting sex weekly. The danger here is multi fold. One is any day could be the straw that breaks the camels back and you leave for good without looking back. The other is you could meet another man tomorrow and fall for him hard (assuming you aren't already involved with OM) This is a critical issue and it is equally critical for him to wake up out of his fog and realize how miserable you are. This may sound counterintuitive but I reccomendation you find a place, pack up and move out. See a lawyer and file for legal separation. When he gets served with papers, watches you move to another location and comes home to an empty house a few nights a week while the kids are at your house, he will wake up. If he steps up to the plate and meets your needs you can delay or cancel any divorce proceedings if you want. You have tolerated this so long and he hasn't heard your complaints yet so this is likely the only way to get his attention and get him to take it seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
healingsoul Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Hi Sinny, I can really relate to your story and how I feel that in many ways the relationship with your husband his boring, if not dead. You have a lot of your life invested in these relationships, not only your spouse but with your children--you are a very important part of something very specail -- a family. I respect you so much for writing about it on this forum and seeking advice. I wonder what did you and your husband do for the 6 or so years you dated your husband before your marriage. You said that you have been with him for 17 years but only married for 11 and then you have two precious children. I want to encourage you that it is not as bleak as you think. This stage of marriage is when many people began questioning their relations. What things did you have in common before children? Link to post Share on other sites
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