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Told her how I felt, she went off the deep end...


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This may get long winded, so bear with me.

 

I married my wife 15 years ago. I had never even dated; she was the only girl to go out with me more than once... I proposed after six months and we were married in three more. We did typical newlywed things; bought a house, had a couple of kids...

 

Fast forward to now. I dont like her. She is condescending, she is verbally abusive to our children, extremely snide and sarcastic... just not a pleasant person.

 

But our living situation is this: my dads health is poor, I have no siblings, and so she decided we should move in with him. I wanted to put him in a home, but she promised him she would keep him at home as long as she could. Her unpleasant attitude started before all of this (with postpartum depression) but now its almost intolerable.

 

She has been a fair caretaker for my dad. She dotes on him but at the same time she is lazy... when I'm m not at work he is all mine. She is a master of appearances.

 

I "should" love her. But I don't. I have tried to remember why I fell for her in the first place... and all I can come up with is that she showed interest in me. But now, she does not. Except to be unpleasant.

 

What complicates things is our pre teen and teenage sons. I don't want to split up just yet... but I'm miserable. And I'm not setting a good example for them... "let your wife be a jerk to you".

 

What complicates things a LOT more, is that I have had feelings for a friend of my wife's, for many years... thinking that if we ever did split, she's s the ONE. Well, I slipped and shared those feelings with her... aaaaand she has felt the same way about me.

 

So I have fallen for someone whose company I enjoy, and who looks forward to being with me (when she visits us)... we txt a lotbtoo, more than we should...

 

So my questions: 1) How do I re kindle with the wife... and 2) DO I re kindle or pursue splitting and woman #2?

 

I dont want to go down the road of "I like her cuz she likes me", AGAIN, or "the grass is greener"...

 

Open to suggestions and advice...

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mystikmind2005

A relationship is like an airplane.... there has to be enough 'uplift' verses the weight trying to pull it down.

 

When there are not enough uplifting things compared to things that weigh a relationship down, then the relationship plane will slowly lose altitude until eventually it is going to crash and burn.

 

So yes, you guys have already crashed, possibly years ago. You are both just stumbling around in the wreckage at this point.

 

You will need to get into some serious marriage counseling.... meanwhile why not try watching the movie 'Hope Springs' together with your wife?

 

Movie trailer : Hope Lives

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Thinking ahead to a new possible relationship is not a good idea. Though sometimes impossible ,when you find you feel a connection. Maybe in part you have feelings for this woman because of the state of your marriage, i.e if you were happy and content with your wife, you likely would never have noticed or even felt any feelings like that.

 

The best thing is to approach your wife and try to see if she will consider counseling, or if she thinks your marriage can and should endure under its current status. Maybe she thinks all is well? Her taking your dad in is kind of a monkey wrench, she may use it against you in the end. But unless you both agree to counseling and agree you want a better relationship, nothing will change.

 

Because of the kids, you owe it a try, at least to repair your marriage. But if you find she is not interested, you will need to decide if you can remain as you are for however many years until the kids are college-age, if that is your intention. You may be doing them more harm than good, though, staying in an unhappy marriage.

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So my questions: 1) How do I re kindle with the wife... and 2) DO I re kindle or pursue splitting and woman #2?

 

#1 will never happen while you're contemplating #2. The emotional energy you'd need to rekindle - it's called working at marriage for a reason - is being siphoned off by the fantasy life you're contemplating.

 

So it's either #1 OR #2, you can't do both. Time to decide what's really important to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

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#1 will never happen while you're contemplating #2. The emotional energy you'd need to rekindle - it's called working at marriage for a reason - is being siphoned off by the fantasy life you're contemplating.

 

So it's either #1 OR #2, you can't do both. Time to decide what's really important to you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I want more than anything, to go to counseling with #1. #2 just wants me to be happy... knows our situation is awkward... if #1 and I do split we will still stay under wraps for a year or so, not give the appearance that she broke us up. Because she hasn't / isn't per se, other than siphoning a little energy as you say.

 

I just keep the feeling in my mind that #1 just don't care, and that is based on her actions. She can *say* all day long that I'm her whole world, but her reading two novels a week while dad sits around soaked in urine and I'm at work doesn't say so. Her complaints about my cooking after I work all day don't either. And neither does how she makes fun of how I do the laundry to people.

 

Counseling is required because she blows up at me when I mention these things to her. I need a mediator.

 

The ridiculous fantasy life I imagine with #2 is, not having to shoulder the burden of breadwinner and homemaker and primary caregiver. To feel welcome when I arrive at my house. To be noticed. For someone to initiate a conversation with me. Not be on the kindle or ipod or galaxy s6. Or wrapped up in Criminal Minds.

 

I dont want to feel so alone. With a caveat - if I am to be alone, then I sball be free to do what I want without repercussions.

 

I'm at my shrink's office... gonna hash out the plan forward some more....

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The ridiculous fantasy life I imagine with #2 is, not having to shoulder the burden of breadwinner and homemaker and primary caregiver. To feel welcome when I arrive at my house. To be noticed. For someone to initiate a conversation with me. Not be on the kindle or ipod or galaxy s6. Or wrapped up in Criminal Minds.

 

Based on the few flirtatious kisses you've had with #2, there's no guarantee she'd be any more attentive to these things than your spouse is currently.

 

You should resolve your existing relationship before you project yourself into another...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Based on the few flirtatious kisses you've had with #2, there's no guarantee she'd be any more attentive to these things than your spouse is currently.

 

You should resolve your existing relationship before you project yourself into another...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

What he already knows about #2 is that she's the kind of person who would go behind her so-called "friend's" back.

 

Fires... frying pans. Just sayin' :rolleyes:

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  • 1 month later...
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Third thread here, after taking advice of first two. And for the record, LS.org is not my sole source of advice.

 

I went the extra mile - showing affection, compliments, etc. Quit being glum when I got home from work - greet her with a kiss and shoulder rub. Been snuggling nightly, she gets a back or neck rub Nightly.

 

The conversation we had that told me all my flaws, contained hers too. I have addressed mine; she knows it ; she hasn't hers and doesnt plan to. She's fought counselling from day 1, but kids and me are on diff wavelength from her.

 

So I talked to a lawyer... got advice... told her 3 nights ago I was unhappy. Panic ensued.

 

Time to file? Move on? Ive heard Im bound to her as long as she is in the mental inst. Any truth to that?

.

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Stereotypical11

If you was my partner and I seen you write this if want you no where near me or my children, I'm sure you're a good father and I can't judge your life based on this written on here but if you're children ever heard you speak this way about their mother they'd be ashamed. It sounds like your wife is ill and probably has for a long time and now you want to leave her whilst she's at her worst well shame on you. You need to take a look in the mirror and put yourself in her shoes what if you was ill and she gave up on you and walked out on you with your children when you needed her most. This isn't about you it's about your children what do they need what is best for them I'm sorry to say. I hope you work this out but if it's because you're horny and not getting any I'd think twice x

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My children do not respect her, they have told me that. She is either asleep or yelling, one of them said.

 

I do probably 80% of the housework, and 15% is done by a hired sitter for my dad. She does a load of laundry once every 10 days.

 

"Getting any" is the last thing on my mind at this point. I work 2 jobs, have arthritis in a hip, 2 bad discs in my back... heck I'm not able.

 

She told me "I want to feel like a priority". So, she has been the first thing in my life... I quit talking about work, news, anything else - no phone, or laptop - and I still get ignored.

 

She was playing solitaire on her phone last week... told me it took three hrs 5 min to beat one game. I was home for 55 minutes before she got off the couch.

 

Do I expect June and Ward Cleaver? No. Do I expect someone to return a kiss, give a hug, look up from the TV, when I'm feeling alone? Yes.

 

Is it possible for ME to talk to her psychiatrist? She tells him "oh everything is fine" so no meds get adjusted. Yet i think she is clearly depressed or just unhappy. And he takes her at her word.

 

If things stay as they are, the best is to get my kids away from her. And I cant seem to get through to her that she needs help. I thought the ultimatum would be a better trigger, but no. Im ready to wash my hands of it... Ive tried for 13 yrs to make her happy and get her stable... ro no avail. It's almost as if she enjoys her state of unmotivatedness...

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Folks, I merged a thread on this same marriage from back in December as context and re-titled the thread with the updated title. Please continue!

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Ive heard Im bound to her as long as she is in the mental inst. Any truth to that?

.

 

can you please elaborate? i'm not sure if i understood the question?

 

also - you should probably get counseling for the children. they will suffer because their relationship with their mother is strained, trust me.

 

if the wife doesn't want help - well, nothing much you can do. but do not poison the kids against her - instead, tell them nice things about their mother, let them know that their mother loves them but she's having a hard time, let them know that she is IMPORTANT in their life and try to support that relationship and her recovery as much as you can.

 

the worst thing would be to erase her from your life and replace her with someone else, that leaves scars - permanent ones.

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Is it possible for ME to talk to her psychiatrist?

 

yes, you can contact her psychiatrist and ask to attend one of her therapies.

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Thanks William. I dont get the dialog box when searching from the phone and gave up looking.

 

Conscience got to me and the OW too.. no contact between us in a while.

 

That being said, I made the W top priority, as best I knew how. I still have to go to work, I did take time one day to fix her car.... Ive been at her beck and call since I got told she wasn't a priority.

 

Ive no doubt Im part of the problem... guess counsellor will help me find it.

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If you don't love her and you don't like how she treats your kids and father..why would you reconcile?

 

Cheating is never, ever the answer. It sounds like both of you are the problem and it might be better and more fair to both of you to work out your issues separately.

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Wow. That's a lot. I will say this. You have a lot on your plate. Despite your strong feelings don't let them control you. Don't rush into anything.

Go to marriage counseling, it's a win win for u. You can either get things back on track w your wife OR you'll invest the time and work needed to find out things Can not work and you will leave w a lot less guilt. I would cut off all contact w this friend. You cannot work on your marriage honestly while entertaining something New and Fresh. You have to sac up in that department. Do the Honorable thing and face your marriage problems First. By doing that you will eliminate a lot of Guilt you will feel if it doesn't work.

Do not cheat, do not compromise your character. Marriage are life time commitments and a long 60yr commitment will have some rough spots. Put the work in and find out if it's a rough time you can work through for you and your family or if it's something that has to end because it's creating a constant negative household that can't be fixed. Either way you'll have piece of mind.

As far as Any New Interest. You are Not balanced right now is my guess. Meaning your hurting and looking for something to fill the void your marriage is lacking. Your marriage was lacking something First then you started taking Notice of outside resources namely this other women who had what you were looking for.

BUT you are not currently a whole person I'm guessing, people get out of relationships and get that "rebound" they think is the one only to find out that person is Lacking in Other equally important areas and right now in your state you prob won't see them. IF things don't work at home id recommend getting Happpy w your life On Your Own w no woman. Once happy and content w your life and accomplishments wo any one else in it you'll be balanced and centered and you will have a Better chance of finding the best partner. Though...most people let the rush of emotions overtake them and run to the new girl to satisfy them and find themselves in similar situations years later.

This all may or may not apply to you idk cus I don't know your situation all that well. But what I posted I Feel applies to most.

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Brady375, it does indeed sound like counselling is a win win.

 

And you are right, Im not a "whole" healthy person right now. I've focused my thoughts on just being free from her and that making me "happy".

 

My psychologist has helped me work through a lot of issues, time to explore this as well.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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.... got her talked in to counselling. Started a few days ago. She met individually with the counsellor first and when I met with him he told me "shes gonna take a long time to buy in to this... we gotta go slow so I can earn her trust"

 

I had the off chance to talk to one of her relatives - she mentioned to her that we were in counselling. Wife told her that she was very much in love with me, and I with her. And I am not... her lack of effort in life and taking me for granted is primarily why.

 

But anyhow, will be interesting to see if she puts any effort towards what the counsellor suggests. My guess is, like everything else, she wont.

 

And I will have tried, and that will be that.

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I think the mistake came where you married the first woman u went out with. And now your in problems even tho it took years to surface. All I can say is that be happy man.

 

Chances are your wife has already scoped out the situation and might feel the same way. If your not happy chances are neither is her.

 

I think its too late to rekindle. You already have this negative vybe and its like your forcing yourself to love her.

 

You should maybe try talking to her about it. Time to get serious here, and don't jump into anything, feel things out with this other woman.

 

Obviously your not happy. So do something about it.

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Keep the MC, but focus on building your self worth in your IC. Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy? Hold On To Your N.U.T.s? That's a good place to start to (1) learn to be happy by yourself no matter what she does, (2) attract her to you by doing so, and (3) show your sons how to be a man who can be happy and not accept kibbles from a woman.

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