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Mentally checked out??


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I have my long rant of a story under Newly Seperated. But now that I have Vented I want to post some more Direct Questions to people. I have only had 2 relationships the 2nd being to my wife of 5 yrs. no kids.

 

Summary. I feel like my wife is just along for the ride I provide. She has coasted in a lot of ways since we been together. I've tried not to enable her. She has refused to curb her weekend drinking which has been a major problem or get a job beyond the entry level position she already has; no retirement benifits, she almost has a masters. I have lost respect for her and theirs resentment.

 

1. I hit the "I'm done" moment, something switched in me....after she stated the usual, I'll be better, I'll change....I stated "ok i don't care". And for 2 weeks i drove around for hours on end to get away and just cried. Anyone have a Moment/situation like that? My guess I was accepting things and that they would never change.

 

2. After mentally checking out and saying "I'm done" Now ALLLL of a sudden the other half wants one more chance.....now she gets it...now she'll be better. Has anyone dealt w this and if so and went back what were their outcomes? More of the Same? A 180 and a real distinct change?

 

3. Lastly after mentally checking out I resent and am mad at her for Putting me in this position, (I realize it takes two but the catalyst of this was her weekend drinking/ lack of being s true partner) NOW she wants to do work and go to counseling Together; currently going seperate. Did anyone ever have trouble Mentallty checking Back IN to a degree that you legit want to go to counseling together and Work on things? Right now I do Not want to go to counseling together as I am enjoying the time to myself and I feel i would be doing it more for her than me, that creates more feeling of resentment. Problem is I have always been successful at everything I' have done in life and the idea of divorce sickens me even wo kids. I been going to individual counseling hoping the "I'm done" switch flips back to a degree where I can atleast feel a legit urge to go to counseling together but it hasn't happened. If we were just dating it would be a done deal, the commitment of the vows keeps me in this state of limbo. Anyone deal w this??

Edited by Brady375
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IMHO you should continue the separation and continue to build a life without her and make forward steps in moving on with your life.

 

 

She will do one of two things -

 

 

- seek professional help in addressing the alcoholism and get cleaned up. apply herself professionally and seek greater responsibility and greater career success. and become a more mature, responsible partner.

 

 

- or she will go out and party and have fun without you and continue to just eek by.

 

 

One thing that is certain is she won't truly "see the light" until she is living alone in a crappy apartment trying to entertain herself and having to be responsible for getting up and off to work on time in order to have the income to pay rent and keep up on bills and get to the grocery store regularly to feed herself.

 

 

If you were to file for divorce today, it would still take several months or more for things to be finalized. During that time of separation, you will be able to see if she is stepping up to the plate as an adult or if she is still being the slacker party girl.

 

 

A divorce can be stopped at any time, so if prior to the final decree being issued she shows true actions of taking responsibility for her life and is actually turning her life around through actions and not just words and promises, then you can reconsider.

 

 

However if she continues to drink, continues to be a poor performing adult and continues to just try to skate through a day to day existence, then you are ahead of the curve.

 

 

And if after you separate she has a boyfriend living with her that is paying the rent for her and going out partying with her every weekend - then you have your answer.

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you are doing the right thing but separating yourself from her until a time that you see actual, physical changes and physical behaviors and actions.

 

 

And I agree strongly with the other posters that have advised DO NOT GET HER PREGNANT!!

 

 

Millions of women in similar circumstances have intentionally came on strong to seduce their husbands into having unprotected sex.

 

 

Some even get knocked up by another man at the bar and go through great lengths to get their husbands to frack them around the same time period to pass of the offspring as theirs.

 

 

Guard your sperm.

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Wow old shirt....thank you so much. That was Honestly the Most insightful thought out and what appeared to me to be the best Advice I have gotten. ESP considering you pulled all of that from my posts and not actually knowing us. The one factor is that when I was crawling out of my skin and needed space from her I told her I would leave and stay w a freind as I have no family around but she Immediately said she wasn't staying in the house (I pay for Everything). She went right back to her parents. She kinda went from dad taking care of her to me back to dad and just hasn't grown up at all. I appreciate your advice. There are no easy answers. And your 100% right that until I'm really certain she is acting Genuine and Not acting in a self serving manner to get what she wants Right now I won't know what the baseline for the relationship will be. She didn't do the No drinking / Really trying to nail down her career Until after I was Done done. Hard to know what's real and what's not cus currently though I have said I'm done I haven't taken Real Actions and I'm worried she's still playing the "game". Your approach as difficult as it is is spot on. Thank you so much. I'm going to let this sink in. It's been tough.

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3. Lastly after mentally checking out I resent and am mad at her for Putting me in this position, (I realize it takes two but the catalyst of this was her weekend drinking/ lack of being s true partner) NOW she wants to do work and go to counseling Together; currently going seperate. Did anyone ever have trouble Mentallty checking Back IN to a degree that you legit want to go to counseling together and Work on things?

 

 

 

 

 

What you are describing here is very common. It's very common to be resentful that people are now wanting to work on their issues once they have been tossed out and the world is burning down around them. You are normal to be resentful that you have been pushed this far before she takes it seriously (assuming she actually is taking it seriously and isn't just making empty promises like usual )

 

 

This is a very serious and dire situation. You may not come back from the brink.

 

 

In real world practice, men rarely initiate break ups. Especially in cases that do not involve their spouse's infidelity (since you haven't said anything about her screwing around or picking up men at the bar) However when men do reach their breaking point and initiate a break up, they rarely go back.

 

 

In this instance, she is going to have to do a lot of heavy lifting and you are in the right if you separate and reserve judgement to return unless you see very definitive and sustained changes over a very long period of time.

 

 

As there are no minor children, there really is no reason not to divorce. If 5 years after the divorce she is completely clean and sober, has completed her education and is well established and completely self-supporting in a stable career and has straightened herself out and is living as a mature, responsible adult and you both want to start dating again and see where things go, that is fine.

 

 

However I would not advise capitulating until you see all of those changes and all of those criteria in place.

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2. After mentally checking out and saying "I'm done" Now ALLLL of a sudden the other half wants one more chance.....now she gets it...now she'll be better. Has anyone dealt w this and if so and went back what were their outcomes? More of the Same? A 180 and a real distinct change?

 

More of your post relates to this but I shortened to make it easier to respond to. What you are describing is the classic push/pull relationship dynamic. It is extremely common, so common that therapists spend weeks on it when going through their classes. You push for intimacy, she pulls away. That breeds resentment, eventually causing you to pull away and when you do, she pursues.

 

I can tell you nearly unequivocally that if you return to the relationship without both of you working on it, she will pull away again. It's not something someone snaps out of without a lot of work. Trust me...I went to MC and my own C and I am back where I was last year. I returned to the relationship fully and now my wife is gone at all hours with other men and I never see her. And we went to MC so she knows what's going on (not to mention that I told her it hurt).

 

So, unless you are both willing to put the work in and seek outside help, I am afraid to say that it is unlikely to be different six months from now. Lucky for you there are no kids. Consider getting out before there are.

 

Good luck

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Thanks brother. Appreciate the advice. It helps a lot and your balanced on your responses. Best of luck to you as well in your situation.

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"After mentally checking out and saying "I'm done" Now ALLLL of a sudden the other half wants one more chance.....now she gets it...now she'll be better. Has anyone dealt w this and if so and went back what were their outcomes? More of the Same? A 180 and a real distinct change"

 

Consider what a marriage counselor said once. The spouses who are left behind despite their promises to change once and for all often make very good second wives/husbands because of the amount of meaningful, permanent changes they have made to their behaviors and attitudes. The tragedy is that their first marriages ended right when they were about to blossom.

 

Like others have said, she has to prove that she's really doing the hard work of being the wife you need her to be. She needs to prove that she's checked back in. Maybe when you see her checked back in, fully committed to being the woman you first fell in love with, you'll have a change of heart?

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i really appreciate the info. Despite counseling and talking to everyone and reading everything your posts are the most helpful.

Would I have a change of heart if I was certain that she made real changes; grew up some, taking responsibility, less dependency, stopped drinking, got her career Started at 31 finally and had her own goals set up?

I think if I felt certain these changes were in place or atleast the ones most important to me I would feel differently towards her. I'd be attracted to that person as In My mind she Was going to Mature into that person as she got older; but hasn't. As we got engaged she appeared on her way to be the woman I thought she would become. Lil more mature, gain a higher emotional IQ, get her career nailed down, slow down w the partying. But she hasn't grown much from the 21yr old girl I started dating. N no she isn't talking to guys or cheating. She is very loyal in that regard.

Your asking questions making me think deeper into it and I guess the one Major other problem I would have over the marriage is Even w these changes in place we got married and I wasn't certain if I'd want kids; I provided total disclousre to her about it, she wanted "atleast one kid" as she put it. Should of been settled prior to getting hitched I know but the wheels kept rolling despite it, I thought as I got into my 30s id maybe have the urge but have not. Moving forward I also have to make sure I'm 100% in the marriage. She has stated and even now states that she wanted kids but wants to be with Me More. It Feels like a lot of pressure on me, a lot to live up to in my mind since she is sacrificing such s big thing for me.

But based on your approach to seeing if the Changes she states she is making are Geniune or not it won't be a quick 2month process. I agree that it will take time. N Wo some real time between us and sadly (idk right now if I can do it) filing for divorce I won't be able to see her in her "natural state of being" if that makes sense. I won't be able to even see if she legit has made real changes. Your posts make me think but I'm still mentally in a holding pattern, beyond seperating right now I find it very hard to file for divorce. I def couldn't date etc or anything like that. I don't have it in me.

Edited by Brady375
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When resentment grows, there is definitely a point of no return. But some people don't realize that they are there, until the moment you described comes.

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Thanks Popsicle. Yea that's what I'm afraid of. I'm in No Rush to meet someone new etc, so I saw no real rush in filing for divorce. Old shirt made a good point that basically following through w filing for a Divorce will help cut through the BS and I'll be able to see if her changes are genuine or not. I'll get happy w myself as I have been for the past 2months so currently I have been in a holding pattern waiting to see if anything changes in me. But I have realized by reading old shirts post that I won't feel the urge to work on things "comeback mentally" until i regain some respect for her. And that will not happen until I preceive her efforts as Genuine and not Self Serving to mainly get what she wants. To achieve that it will take time.....she has to legit start to improve on herself in some ways. No quick fix. Then I'll be able to see if the changes she has made are Real and here to stay. The screwed up part is if she simply would have Made these changes prior to me Breaking down, having my switch flipped it would of been easy to see that she was doing it Purely for me and Us.

I have been looking for a Faster Answer but today i realized there isn't a short cut to it.

Edited by Brady375
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I am sharing all the same feelings of having mentally checked out. There was definitely a moment that I can point to that shook me to the core and I disassociated myself to make sure that I won't be hurt any more. At and since that point, and this was 3 months ago, try as I may, I simply couldn't care less. I'm waiting it out and working with our therapist to see if that changes. So, I think that I subconsciously checked out in order to protect myself from getting hurt. I don't know if that's the case with you. Perhaps when I feel completely safe with my husband and know that I can trust him the feelings may come back and that's when I'll know when I'm back in.

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Yea it's a crumby place to be in. 70% of me emotionally and rationally says your done. I have no kids. Get out now. But that 30-35% of me doesn't want to let her go. The idea of never seeing her again in the way that I did is a lot. all very confusing trying to figure myself out and understand how I feel, am I over reacting when considering all of her good qualities etc. but it's Hard to second guess myself After hitting that "breaking point". At THAT point seperating wasn't even a conscious choice. I was Crawling out of my skin needing space. I got the space....felt a weight lifted off of me.....and now I sit.....2months has passed and now I very confused giving it more time. I don't want her back in the house I like my space still. I guess Oldshirts posts hit home the most. I need to give this time. Only when n if I see her changes as Real will I then start to respect her again and Want to Maybe move forward w things. The monkey wrench in my relationship is that she is Giving up have kids to Be w me and says she's ok w that,I haven't been pro kid and ESP now I'm not. That's a lot of pressure on me.

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It seems like it's weighing very heavily on you the fact that she is agreeing to forego kids. How much is she sacrificing? How much does she even want kids? Regardless, it would seem you should first figure out your stance with her and if/ when things work themselves out you can have that conversation about the children. She didn't seem to be so disturbed by fact fact she won't have kids with you and perhaps your taking it harder than she is. Best would be to have that conversation with her for your peace of mind.

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Thanks Laura. We have had the conversation. And she states she's Ok forgoing it. Though in moments when she's drinking if someone brings the kid issue up she has made comments like "well he doesn't want to have kids so" like to pass off blame and I sense resentment in her voice. Sober when we discuss it being a major issue in deciding to move forward she says its a non issue and she is ok w it. It's weighs on me because at our ages early 30s I need to be 100% strapped on for this ride moving forward. ESP since we are at what I feel is a fork in the road moment. If I stay to try and work through our issues she misses vital years to have children for me. I'll be getting into deep waters w her. At this point if we were to split not a Ton of damage is done. It's like if we split if we had kids it would be substinal damage, I consider the feeling I'm having the same as if we were to Split after she missed/gave up her opportunity to have a family. The obligation to her and the marriage increases drastically in my mind. The "failure" of the marriage After she passes prime child bearing years would be much greater than the failure id feel over seperating now. Doing it now would cause us to stumble some in life but ultimately we could both still live full lives w no limitations. So it weighs on me.....I need to make sure I'm ready to roll moving forward cus I know she wants kids but wants to be w me more as she says it. Lot of pressure on me I feel.

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I see now what you mean. I still think that perhaps there may be some misunderstanding. Have you considered that perhaps she says these things to her friends as a way to forego any responsibility in this discussion. It's easier to pass it off on you, that you don't want. But even if that wasn't the case she can still be iffy about it anyway and your inclination drives her to foregoing children. Regardless, as difficult as it is, you aren't intentionally moving forward with the notion that you will eventually break up with her and she may then want children and can't at that time. You aren't being irresponsible. You are doing the best you can with what you have and making the best decision you can at the moment with no way of knowing how things may turn out for you both. And keep in mind that she is an adult. You are not making her do anything she doesn't want to. She's aware that there's always the possibility of you breaking up down the line, especially considering where you are now, and she understands what's at stake. It may ease your conscience to consider having her freeze her eggs so that she can always have the option of having children down the line if she so chooses.

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Yea Laura that's all true. I have actually said to her "im trying to make the best Decison I can given the cards I have been dealt and have in my hand right now". I can only make the best educated guess cus there is no way of predicting how the next 50 years of my life will go. I totally understand she's an adult making her own decisions and i get what you are saying about her passing off blame Infront of other women. I guess to spare herself some embarassement etc. I can see that. As far as her making her own decisions as an adult I get that, problem I have been having is that I have Always had the 20/20 vision in the relationship. I can see the problems coming no matter what area of our marriage they were coming in from 20miles away and she would disagree or say it will be fine...and 99.9% of the time I am right on the issue and she was not.

It's a tough part of the relationship which contributes to me not feeling like I have a partner in things or like I have to constantly be the parent. N I don't want to be. In this situation she says she's ok w it, It will be fine......but like so many times before I worry she isn't makin the best long term decision and down the road I'll be right. Freezing her eggs is an option. Such a big issue, I have to figure myself out here...a lot at risk moving forward at this point.

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Just be aware that given she's in her 30's finding another sugar daddy will not be difficult for her.

After my ExW and I parted ways, she was engaged within a year and pregnant by year 2.

One of the reason it was difficult for me to let go of my merriage was the thought that she might end up with another man.

 

I'll admit, it hurt when I find out she's engaged. But I got the best advice from my Best Friend. His text read "No biggie, she's someone else's problem now".

After that I haven't looked back.

Take care of yourself. Focus on you.

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Hey buddy. Lol thanks for the post man lol. Yea it's hard to let her go since she's a Beauty and I know she'll be w someone else. That mindset is all bs I know cus I know from past experience in 5yrs time i won't care. But the idea of the short term pain is hard to get past.

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It's interesting to me when you say that it's painful that she may belong to someone else if u let her go. Personally, my "parenting" position over my husband feels guilt in divorcing for fear of him being incapable on his own. It's actually would feel like a relief to know that someone else would have him and 'take care of him'. It would seem that that comes from your still strong feelings for her..

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Yea idk Laura. It's tough. I would Worry about her a lot as in would some Snake try and take advantage of her. She doesn't have a very high emotional IQ. I care about her and I would worry sure. Would it be hard to initially see her w someone else? Yes, it would be more painful then a relief for myself. But it's been draining w no real improvement at all. After a while i could no longer "parent" her feeling as if I had no Partner in life and she was just along for My ride.

I been holding out, waiting on her. But nothing. My breaking point came and I said this is just who she is, she isn't going to change. It came as a matter of fact to me.

Now I'm in gridlock cus after hitting this point now she goes for counseling now she says she won't drink etc. when it comes After the breaking point and you are done it's impossible for me to not see her actions as Self Serving to get what she wants right now.

So we talked last week after two months. I told her we were done (wasn't easy). Now no contact at all for a week. W her Hopefully thinking there is no chance to reconcile I'm waiting to see what she does Now. Will she genuinely try to change n better herself. OR She'll just go back to her old ways of status quo and go out w her gfs to booze it and I'll Know her statements of change were just Her "gaming" me. Saying "hey look im better now" when in reality her attempts werent genuine. It's not a fun position to be in as I know w things as they are anything can happen and SHE could decide she had enough. BUT I don't see another option. After hitting my breaking point as long as she thought I was still watching....I would always feel as if she was Still "Performing".

I haven't Actually Done anything yet divorce wise but right now things have changed where she isn't frantic contacting me everyday. I think this option will cut through a lot of the BS. If I go back now w her she's smart enough keep things in check and would for awhile. While she's nervous and Uncomfortable about losing things she'll be on point. Once she would get comfortable again THATS when i would see what the baseline for the relationship would be, then I would see what changes really took place, and what changes were just so she could get what she wanted at the Moment. In a situation like this it could take me a year and a half to see what the baseline for the relationship Could be. And with us and having no kids and her child bearing years dwindling I don't have a lot of time I Feel to sit and wait. By doing what I'm doing now I think will cut through things I think much faster n see what's real and what's not. Im hoping she shows some real positive change I Believe then I think maybe I'll be open to go to counseling w her and see where that maybe goes. But as i feel right now w no kids in the pic I don't see it. We have already had some tough convos. It's real tough to Go back and say lets work on things when you aren't confident at all and you've checked out, cus I don't want to have to have these gut wrenching convos Again and again. I'm really trying to get my head on straight before moving in any direction. I also don't want to pull her back n forth. Guess I'm a mess lol

Edited by Brady375
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Brady, that's a tough position to be in. I haven't yet told my husband that it's over and can imagine how difficult it could be when ur checked out and told her as much, yet still holding out to see if she makes any changes. I've heard of cases where partners really need to to be frightened with the threat of divorce for any real changes to take place. So it would be contrary to ur wanting it to come from her and not self serving to hold on to u but that just may be the ticket to getting her to make those changes and hopefully maintain them. If she sees that ur serious about seeing those changes she may take the steps to get there and you can then give her an ultimatum that if she reverts back to her former ways it's over. This way you give her a chance and eliminate any guilt feelings or hesitations if she does go back.

since our separation I was not supporting my husband. His family is helping him. When I saw that he kept using my credit card I was in internal conflict whether to close our joint accounts and create new, separate accounts. So I told him that I don't give him permission to use my card and if he does again I will close the account. Over the next few weeks I saw that he continued using it so I went ahead and closed our joint accounts with no guilt or hesitation.

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All valid points Laura. Before us Seperating I had several convos w her. "I'm at the end of my rope" "your not listening!!" "I will go see an attorney!" "I'm not going to move forward in this relationship if this continues". This ontop of my obvious unhappy behavior. Each weekend was a chance to prove me wrong but she continued to upset me.

It was mainly over her behavior on the weekends w the drinking. In November I had 4weekends of this. On the 3rd. Weekend the day after I broke down in the couch and was upset and laid it all out for her. Doubts and all. Said I needed space to figure things out. No more than a week and half later while I'm working at night she has a gf over the house and they bring beer into the house; gf i find out brings the bottles home. She knew I was on edge and things were bad. And the weekend drinking was a big issue. But she snuck it in and out. After that lack of consideration I had to get away and seperate. I couldn't sleep in the bed next to her, I'd lye awake all night I was so pent up.

Now AFTER seperation she goes to counseling, says she will get more than an entry level job (she almost as a masters degree), and Not drinking isn't an issue she hasn't in 2 months.

This happens Now but not when I was upset and crazy over the issues. So hard to Go Back for a Trial thing since I'm so upset still over what went on and I have lost respect. It's tough. I'm staying the course I'm on now. Ten years of me taking care of her finacailly, I haven't had a true partner I feel like. Being married w no kids we should be getting so far ahead in life, on our mortgage Etc and it's not a Lack of My trying but hers. I'm Hanging in giving this it's due dilegence. I take it Seriously. Outside of the inconsideration, lack of ambition, weekend drinking ; big problems. She is a sweet loyal person.

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Brady, I see where you lost it and disconnected. I've had a similar experience, albeit different circumstances, after which it felt there was no turning back. The hurt is piercing. I do see, however, that aside for these conditions, which u say she now working on, you adore her. I think that's reason enough to fight for ur marriage. I wish I had good reason to push for my marriage other than my kids. Sounds like ur previous threats were not sufficient to scare her to the point of change. It's really tough to be making the changes she seems to be making now and only when pushed to the wall did she take it seriously. It takes hitting rock bottom and serious steps on ur part for her to see that she has no choice- change or leave.

 

I would put those hurtful feelings aside for now and give it a fair shot. As difficult as it is, if you succeed to get what u want from her and the relationship it would have been worth it. I say hang in there and see what she can give when she gives her all.

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Thanks for the post Laura. I am giving it time to see if I start feeling differently. It's hard because putting "those feelings" aside to see how it goes isn't easy, or I would have done it to avoid all of this. I WAS willing to put them aside weekend after weekend but once I hit that breaking point it's hard to get my head back in the game.

I have been going to individual counseling and giving things time to see if it changes for me. Unfortunately the couple convos we have had since seperating have brought more negative influence then positive since she is still defensive and passes off responsibility. If we were still bf and gf this would be a non issue and we would be Done, with a maybe in the summer things will feel differently clause stated. But we are married and my vows and the avoidance of wanting to be divorced is actively keeping me from going any further and giving this more time.

I'm trying to take my time w it. I don't want to get stuck back in the Loop of the problems. I guess right now I don't have any real faith in her Really changing given our history. I have done the trial thing before. 7 years ago while dating I broke up w her over these Exact Issues and I heard the "I'll change" "I get it now" stuff only to go back and have things ok for a while , we get married and again 2years ago same issue I state to her "I want a divorce!" Only time I have ever said that and I dropped her off at her parents house, next day we talk I explain "if it ever happens again I'm donee", she says she gets it.

In between these big convos there were Several disappointments in dealing with the same issues but they were spaced out enough to give me time to discuss and process/put it away, so that I could move forward / solider on through things. Now In November 4 weekends rapid fire of the problems and I don't have enough time to process n deal w it all and I break down. I'm 34 now and I feel like I'm less patient w no kids in this marriage to deal w this stuff. I talk to her, I recommend counseling for her, I try telling her what to do, I screamed about it , screamed some more, then I tried ignoring it taking the good w the bad, then I gave up n just let her do what she wanted until I felt so disrespected I stopped getting mad at her I just cried and was hurt. Add that to I'm more at peace right now living alone. Im trying to figure it and myself and her out. Thanks again.

Edited by Brady375
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