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Okay folks. A new thread requested my brother Massive Atom.

 

If I recall he wanted to discuss how "guys" learn to let someone in again. Know what? I bet some of the ladies have the same problems. How does ANYONE let someone close again after a devastating ordeal? So... how do you let someone close after your heart has been stomped on, slapped silly, slashed with a butcher knife, carved in two, boiled in bleach, run over by truck or Just plain crushed my the person that was supposed to love you forever? (MA did I miss any?)

 

I HAVE NO FLIPPIN' CLUE!!! I GOT NUTHIN'. ZIP.

 

Let's say that I meet someone interesting, but I'm really not sure if I am able to let her in, to let her close. I have dealt with my train wreck marriage, I don't even remotely want my wife back, but my confidence is crushed and I am afraid of being hurt again. Especially now when I have regained control of my life again and am confortable with me... AND IT'S SAFE! Lonely but safe. How much do I let her know about what I have been through? A woman wants a guy who is confident, Yes? What if I'm not? I've been told it's the kiss of death if they even smell the stink of insecurity. I know I'll get back to my old more confident self eventually, but crap it is really, really difficult.

 

Don't even get me started on the first sexual thing with a new woman, that's more enormous pressure on a guy than you ladies know.

 

I have read lots, I understand what I SHOULD do (or I think I do), but actually finding a way to go there and put it into practice terrifies me.

 

Also ladies, I have been told that many women will not go near a separated man. He has to be single. (never married or divorced) True or a load of crap?

 

Let the "fun" begin.

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Yikes, Give that nail you just hit an aspirin, cuz it's GOTTA have a headache! Perfectly executed. Cheers!

 

It is exactly like that.

 

I KNOW right now I am TERRIFIED of even the thought of getting into a relationship with a new woman. It literally scares the crap outta me. I was in a mixed social situation yesterday, I can flirt like a man-whore, but if I ever do get a positive response back form a woman I'm sincerely interested in, I get really anxious. I start replaying all the bad things about my, as you so eloquently put it, "train wreck marriage."

 

What are the issues I'm going to face, how can I prepare myself for what I know will be a terribly stressful ordeal.

 

One hope I have is that she will put me so at ease, I won't even think about my marriage, but then what if she DOES get in and "falls out of love" with me. Aw, crap -heart racing just from the thought.

 

ANd Yikes is also right about the sex thing, If you ladies only knew the vicious catch 22 that ALL guys fear, well, I don't know. BUt It's there and it scares the hell outta me, for sure!

 

ANd then the worry about me being a divorced dad. AM I only going to be able to attract, single Moms? I don't want a step family, and I don't want anymore kids, I'm in love with tthe two I have already. So what's a guy to do?

 

I've been thinking maybe establish some friends who offer benefits packages. But that catch 22 is still in play.

 

It all boils down to[size=HUGE] T R U S T

 

How does one learn to trust again?

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Originally posted by MassiveAtom

ANd Yikes is also right about the sex thing, If you ladies only knew the vicious catch 22 that ALL guys fear, well, I don't know. BUt It's there and it scares the hell outta me, for sure!

 

ANd then the worry about me being a divorced dad. AM I only going to be able to attract, single Moms? I don't want a step family, and I don't want anymore kids, I'm in love with tthe two I have already. So what's a guy to do?

 

I've been thinking maybe establish some friends who offer benefits packages. But that catch 22 is still in play

 

One of my childhood friends just got engaged to a divorced Dad. she has no kids and its her first marriage. So no worried there. You'll find that right woman.

 

Please explain the catch 22 you speak about. Maybe I'm missing it? :confused: What is it?

 

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

It all boils down to[size=HUGE] T R U S T

 

How does one learn to trust again?

 

OMG! You hit the nail on the head. I have been lied to and manipulated by so many people in the past year that I am finding it hard to trust anyone at all.

 

I don't think I can open my heart again to any more pain. I know I hold back with people, and try to deny my emotions in an attempt to not get hurt again.

 

I have learned that if you close yourself off, you minimize pain.

 

How DOES one learn to trust again? And what do you do when trust is violated yet again??!

 

*very confused and frustrated*

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For heaven sake I still remember how!! :p

 

There is an awful lot of pressure to "perform". This sort of pressure the women just don't have. You don't want your first encounter with someone that you really like to be a bust. There is the anxiety of just sharing this with someone new. Not wanting to disappoint her. I've never had a problem "saluting the general" before, but I'm afraid that if it was ever going to happen, this would be the time. Maybe the opposite... it's been a long time and there is the pressure of making sure your in for the long haul until she's satisfied. I can see it now... she'll take one look at my face and say are you going to sick or do you have one stuck in the chamber? :laugh:

 

I can't see where the women have that sort of pressure, they just have to show up. ;)

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I hear all this loud and clear guys, and I wonder myself how to handle the trust "issues". All I know is its going to take a long time for me to even want to trust another woman.

 

What I hate is just watching TV and you see another couple hug or kiss, don't even mention them having sex and I get this sick feeling in my stomach and the emotions start freaking out and the next lovely picture is my ex and her b/f together and then I turn off the TV and begin the beating of my head against the wall.

 

I then start to think...ya know all relationships end at some point do I really want to even bother doing it again???

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Yea, right now it's just me (and my kids, every other week). Life is simple. Life is uncomplicated. Life is safe. BUT IT IS LONELY. Then again I had been lonely for a long time even when I was still with my wife. My fear is the longer that I go, the harder it will be to trust again and let someone close.

 

I kind of kid a bit about the sex part, but it is a lot of pressure for sure. In my case I have to figure out how to let her close BEFORE we ever get to the physical intimacy. I am not comfortable just sleeping with anyone, it's just not me and never has been. If there is no emotional intimacy or closeness, it just doesn't cut it for me. It just becomes sex, nothing more. I miss the whole closeness thing more than anything. I really miss that, it has been forever. :(

 

One of these days, I am going to need to take a chance and "put my self out there". If I get hurt, I get hurt. :o

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Oh she's hot!

 

Okay, I walked up. <----pressure

 

Okay, she didn't wave me off, I'll keep talking.

 

Wow! I think she likes me. <----pressure

 

Hey she touched me,

 

Wait, she's going home with me? <----pressure

 

Whoa, I love kissing this woman,

 

Oh yeah, she wants to f***! What if mr. happy aint so happy? Okay it's all up to you what happens, relax. <-----pressure

 

Wait, Marriage, Kids, Society, Love, provider, Bad father, Bad man, traditional family, C'mon man, relax! <-----pressure

 

Dude she'll understand, <-----pressure

 

what if she doesn't? <-----lack of pressure

 

Oh snot! she doesn't understand! <--pressure

 

Damn, It'll probably be alright later, If I could've only just relaxed! <------self imposed pressure

 

Aw, crap! <----pressure

 

At home alone again. <---well now there's pressure. Why not two hours ago!!!!!?????

 

Does that illustrate it clearly enough for you ISra?

 

Being a guy sometimes just sucks!

 

But I wouldn't trade it for the world!

 

 

All you ladies should be getting this!

 

 

Unhappily Single

 

 

MA

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Ok, MA. It’s just the same on the other side!

 

 

Oh God, He’s gorgeous!

 

Okay, I walked up. <----pressure

 

Okay, he didn't wave me off, I'll keep talking.

 

Wow! I think he might like me. <----pressure

 

Hey he touched me,

 

Wait, he's going home with me? <----pressure

 

Whoa, I love kissing this man,

 

Oh yeah, he wants to f***! What if he hates the way I look naked? Okay it's all up to you what happens, relax. <-----pressure

 

Wait, Marriage, Kids, Society, Love, provider, Bad mother, Bad woman, career minded, selfish…. C'mon woman, relax! <-----pressure

 

What if he’s not attracted to me? What if he thinks my thighs are so big he is unable to perform? Should I fake it??? <-----pressure

 

O, God – he’s going soft – what did I do wrong??? I’m so embarrassed <-----pressure

 

Oh s**t – I have to make sure I give him the best bj ever! Oh God, I didn’t shave my pus*y since Tuesday. s*it s*it s*it! <--pressure

 

Damn, It'll probably be alright later, If I could've only just relaxed! <------self imposed pressure

 

Aw, crap! <----pressure

 

At home alone again. Guess I’ll have to resort to Dildo Jack. <---well now there's pressure. Why not two hours ago!!!!!?????

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Originally posted by Yikes

So... how do you let someone close after your heart has been stomped on, slapped silly, slashed with a butcher knife, carved in two, boiled in bleach, run over by truck or Just plain crushed my the person that was supposed to love you forever? (MA did I miss any?)

 

Yeah, what about tossing the shredded remains of your heart into a blender of salt water and hitting puree?

 

The thing I miss most is the intimacy. Not just sex (I do miss that too) but the closeness of a female companion. Sharing your hopes, dreams, plans, feelings, thoughts. Someone you can TRUST with these tenderest of emotions. I want that. I want to be married again to tell you the truth, but the selection process will be alot more intense. No letting her slide on some issues like I did with my STBXW.

 

That first physically intimate moment scares the bejesus out of me too. "It's been so long since the last time, can I last long enough?" It was nothing for me to go 40 minutes with my STBXW when we were having sex on a regular basis. But after a 5 month dry spell? Can I even make it to 10 minutes? Will she understand?

 

I'm like Yikes in the regard that sex has meaning for me. I am not the one night stand kind of person. I can't seperate my emotions from it.

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Hello I'm Merin and I have trust/committment issues :)

 

Honestly.. when a relationship ends that's lasted any good amount of time, it's hard.. add some little people into the mix.. and it gets harder.

 

I was married.. have 2 little peeps and thought life would be a certain way.. well, it didn't turn out the way I had planned, so went to plan B..

 

Met another Guy.. he seemed so great (at first) and I was cautious.. but eventually felt *Okay* with letting him into my life.. and ended up doing things that were not good for me because I didn't want to fail again.. funny thing is though.. I never trusted him (he gave me reason) gave me a lot of "pretty words" but I never FELT them.. took all I had.. but things didn't go as I had hoped (wasn't even a plan so much) so I let go of it and moved on..

 

So Merin had/has a lot of baggage.. Crap! :laugh:

 

Met another Guy.. he seemed great, but I was suspicious.. AND wow look at that.. I met someone with possibly more issues than me :eek::laugh: he has been divorced with little peeps.. and for real, very tainted, jaded, and careful doesn't even begin to describe him.. so in walks Merin into his life.. he doesn't quite know what to do with me.. he liked me a lot, we spent a lot of time together.. and it occurs to him, this might be going somewhere.. ssshhhiiiiiiitttt!!! Swear he actually told me on the first date "I don't want to get married ever again" to which I replied "Okay.. yay!" :lmao: yeah, we've got issues.

 

BUT.. somehow.. I *gulp* trust him. I accept what he says to be true, because I feel that from him.. because he SHOWS me I'm okay and he's not going to let me fall.. there are still times I get nervous and anxious.. and I overthink things.. but.. my past history has taught me well and I've been an excellent student at what's okay for me, what isn't.. and that I cannot be heard if I don't speak up.

 

MA.. I responded to you in my own thread that you had posted to.. but I think it's worth repeating.. Your wounds are still so fresh.. but I know in time, when you met that woman that blows your mind (and you will) your instincts will be strong enough to fall backwards and know she's got your back.

 

My BF now IMO is proof that even when you've convinced yourself that you'll never ever fall again.. when you meet the *right person* you better stand the hell by LOL because it will happen without you expecting it, or maybe even wanting it..

 

If you don't get out and live.. REALLY LIVE, then you're just going through the motions.

 

It's okay to open the door a little.. it doesn't mean you have to invite the first person in to stay long.. but there's nothing wrong with *visiting* ;)

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Intimacy, Oh my world do I miss the intimacy!!!!

 

Funny thing though, what I learned about sharing from "N" is that you should expect for her to use it against you.

 

SO , well, now I have intimacy issues. But I still want to trust someone and reach the stage of being "in-tight" with a woman.

 

I think what we're looking for is a step by step process to being able to trust. no?

 

Let's see......

 

 

Step one......

 

 

1.) Figure out what you want.

 

Step two?

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My revelations were used against me too, mostly to belittle me and make me feel inferior. I swear it was my STBXW's goal to drive every once of confidence, arrogance as she called it, out of me. The books I liked, stupid. Movies I enjoyed, stupid, hobbies I enjoyed, stupid. I had looked into joining MENSA, and she told me if I did I couldn't tell anyone about it. Never mention the fact that I would have been recognized as being in the top 2% of minds. That is something to be ashamed of right there.

 

Step 2, decide what you are willing to settle for.

 

Right now, my expectations are unreasonable. I know that. But seeing all the shortcomings of my previous relationship, I don't want to compromise on any of them.

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Originally posted by MassiveAtom

Step one......

 

 

1.) Figure out what you want.

 

Step two?

 

Step Two....

 

2) Once you get past step one, don't settle for less than that

 

3) Once you're past 1 and 2 check yourself and make sure you're not settling for less out of fear

 

4) Don't rush in

 

5) Don't rush out

 

MA.. Give yourself a lot of time...

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Originally posted by Devildog

My revelations were used against me too, mostly to belittle me and make me feel inferior. I swear it was my STBXW's goal to drive every once of confidence, arrogance as she called it, out of me. The books I liked, stupid. Movies I enjoyed, stupid, hobbies I enjoyed, stupid. I had looked into joining MENSA, and she told me if I did I couldn't tell anyone about it. Never mention the fact that I would have been recognized as being in the top 2% of minds. That is something to be ashamed of right there.

 

Step 2, decide what you are willing to settle for.

 

Right now, my expectations are unreasonable. I know that. But seeing all the shortcomings of my previous relationship, I don't want to compromise on any of them.

 

OMG!!

 

Belittlement, disrespect,and devaluation. Dd, We ARE living nearly parallel lives.

 

Every time I would delve deeper into quantum mechanics, String theory, or even a new recipe for home made pizza, my ex would tell me I'm wasting my time!! And that if I'm reading all this crap, I must be looking for something. and then I must not know who I am. Well why can't it be just mental stimulation?

 

and What then are we saying? Was it jealousy? And why should I think the next woman won't be jealous? Why should I trust her?

 

 

Yeah, I make home made pizza. Bread too. and cheescake,(:love:Pumpkin pie cheescake...) and a chocolate cake that , well....

 

it's kinda why I have kids! :lmao:

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Banana Nut Bread. That was my thing. She indulged that for a short while, but then that too went on the "stupid" heap.

 

My entire life has prepared me to not need a wife. After 4 years in the Marine Corps, I can do my own laundry, and iron clothes that makes professional cleaners jealous. I can clean so the place sparkles. I can cook, and cook really well. I grew up on my family's "farm" which is basically 80 some acres of woods. I can hunt my own food and survive in just about any situation.

 

The only thing I need from a woman is companionship and respect and trust. Love. Why was that too much to ask for? Why is that so much to give?

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It's not too much to ask Dd. It's just too much to ask of her.

 

I know That there are women out here that WANT to be loved by me, heck some want to be ravaged by me. But then there are the women that want to love me, they are who I need to find. You too! X told me that I wanted a mother. HA! PLEASE don't be my mom! I want a friend, compadre, confidante, and lover. Sure as hell can't be oedipal about this now can I ?!?

 

Dd, As one of the "angels" told me, Your X has made a very bad mistake. She screwed up your life, don't let her screw up your future. LEt another come to try and win your heart. Make it intense, make her work for that golden heart of yours. Make her WANT what you have to offer.

 

THEN let her in. but take you time.

 

yeah, I'm still sad about Merin, I had such hopes for her :love::laugh:

 

But you know, if I got over my ex-wife, I'll get over her too. I only want her to be happy. I wish her the best.

 

Whoa! That really helped.

 

MA

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:lmao: Merin :love: Wonder if she ever noticed that my physical characteristics preferences fit her avatar pic? :laugh:

 

You know, I really just don't know if there is a woman that can meet my expectations at this point. My wants and needs have risen to an all time high after seeing how little I had before. Is there a woman out there that is strong enough and willing to rise to those levels?

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X told me that I wanted a mother. HA! PLEASE don't be my mom! I want a friend, compadre, confidante, and lover. Sure as hell can't be oedipal about this now can I ?!?

 

Same with my X. She always said she felt like she had 2 children. The funny thing about it though, she beat me down to that point. She didn't listen to my concerns, opinions. She just did what she decided, and most times she didn't even tell me until after the fact. And any time I "got my way" she used it against me as further proof of her martyrdom.

 

The weirdest thing though? I want to let a woman back in. Maybe I have suffered so much heartache and pain that I don't fear it anymore. Or maybe I expect heartache and pain and suffering? I think I have reached a point where I know no one can hurt me worse than I have already been hurt. Bring it on ladies, give it your best shot. I will still get up and stand taller than I did before.

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Boys boys boys. I may be female, but I have seriously serious intimacy and committment problems which, all told, combine into one big ball of trust issues.

 

Ever since my divorce 2 years ago I've had a series of brief and absolutely un-intimate relationships. I hold back my emotional intimacy if I'm being physically intimate, and I hold back physical intimacy when I'm being emotionally intimate. I can't give myself completely anymore, like I did to my exH. I can't fall head over heels for more than a love-struck week. At the end of said week I find myself overcome with what I call "the grossness" where I am seized with a total disgust toward my crush. Everything he says becomes banal and stupid. I get impatient and our conversations falter.

 

My exBF was a great relationship for me because we broke up every.single.week. And he cheated on me like 7 or 8 times. So, I could totally hold back my trust, my feelings, my intimacy, and I had a valid reason, I wasn't trying to date a good man with whom I would feel guilty for witholding intimacy. I could still f*ck, don't get me wrong. I just never, ever, ever make love.

 

Instead of getting intimate with an actual person I usually get lost in a fantasy and a bottle of bourbon. At least with drunken hookups you can pretend they are something you want, for a few hours. :rolleyes:

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Isarafil...

Thanks for chipping in. So women have similar anxieties? Good to know. You aren't letting out trade secrets are you? I hate to see you get in trouble with the United Sisterhood of Women and lose your card carrying status.

 

At least you ladies can fake it. It we stumble due to the pressure, OUCH. No hiding or faking here... just the walk of shame. :o

 

 

Blind Otter...

As I mentioned in the first post, we all know that "learning to let someone close again" ain't just a guy thing. As a matter of fact, I find the female insight on the subject especially interesting AND helpful. I hope things get better for you, that does sound nasty.

 

 

My ex pounded my self esteem into the ground. She treated me with disrespect. She talked to with such s disrespectful tone... I don't know how many times I told her "It's not so much WHAT you say - it's HOW YOU SAY IT!!!" (Great, now the veins in my neck are beginning to bulge.)

 

At this point I am more mad at myself because the main reason that she got away with it as long as she did is because I LET her. I am also mad because not only do I now have intimacy issues, but I also feel that she killed my sense of humor. She always said that my sense of humor was one of things that first drew her to me, and most days I feel like it's dead.

 

Yikes

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Great Yikes, now there is at least a 3rd clone of my wife running around out there.

 

Spoken that "it's how you say it" line many a time myself.

 

Maybe we should get t-shirts made up for this club?

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DD...

 

T-Shirts eh?Interesting thought.

 

Your comment on an earlier post sounded soooo much like what I went through.

 

"My revelations were used against me too, mostly to belittle me and make me feel inferior. I swear it was her goal to drive every once of confidence out of me. The books I liked, stupid. Movies I enjoyed, stupid, hobbies I enjoyed, stupid."

 

Restaurants - stupid. TV shows - stupid. Vacation suggestions - stupid. Decorating suggestions - stupid. Trying to keep things tidy and organized - stupid. Actually paying a bill BEFORE it was due - stupid. The belief that debt is part of life, but uncontrolled debt shouldn't be. You guessed it - stupid. Regular car maintenance - stupid. Saving for retirement - stupid. Sticking to a budget - REALLY stupid. Expecting her to be honest and faithful - EXTRAORDINARILY STUPID. Wanting to be happy - well, that that was okay,, so long as it was cleverly disguised as STUPID!

 

Maybe we need to create a new website with the pictures of all of the women that it best to just avoid.

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Originally posted by Yikes

Restaurants - stupid. TV shows - stupid. Vacation suggestions - stupid. Decorating suggestions - stupid. Trying to keep things tidy and organized - stupid. Actually paying a bill BEFORE it was due - stupid. The belief that debt is part of life, but uncontrolled debt shouldn't be. You guessed it - stupid. Regular car maintenance - stupid. Saving for retirement - stupid. Sticking to a budget - REALLY stupid. Expecting her to be honest and faithful - EXTRAORDINARILY STUPID. Wanting to be happy - well, that that was okay,, so long as it was cleverly disguised as STUPID!

check

check

check

checkedy check check

checkin

checkers.

 

Seriously? Was my wife a bigamist?

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