Having a hard time going through with divorce and filing papers

[cja]

Most recent content on going through filing for divorce can be found here

 

My husband left me a year ago via a text message (yes, a fuc@ing text message after six years of marriage, ten years together). He told me at the time that he had a transformational journey and found himself (he went on a solo bike trip down the pacific trail). Turns out he really just found himself behind another woman and thought that the grass was greener there. Then a few months later, I guess he found that it wasn't really so he came back, sort of. He blamed me for the affair, after he finally admitted he had one and that he wanted to work things out. He has a habit of being very mean to me, calling me a bi*ch, a burden, etc. when he is angry and over the past year of trying to reconcile he has still gone to these dark places and called me names and yelled at me. I know this makes me appear like a weak and small person And maybe I am, but I get so confused and he says that I share some of the blame for this and the state of our relationship. I don't know. I'm at a point where I just don't believe that we can truly get beyond this. I have always prided myself on being a capable, independent person yet this is what he tears me down for, that I am some sort of burden that holds him back in life. I have a good job, make more money than he has for most of relationship, work more, and have never put pressure on him to do anything for me. I just wonder if anyone has come out stronger on the other side of an affair?

Edited January 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[flowergirl14]

He left you by sending you a text...wtf? He was an a**hole before he left and upon you giving him another chance he still treats you like sh*t. You don't have anything to work with. Trust? Most likely not. He has shown himself to be a cheater, liar, abandoner, and abuser. Cheating isnt about the marriage or you its about him. Stop internalizing the garbage spewing from his mouth! You have a good job, your smart go be mighty and leave this disfunction. Let me ask you this.. if a friend or family member, daughter, son etc. told you this story what advice would you give them?

[Krashi]

May I suggest you visit a site called Chump Lady. She helped me immensely. Cheaters are abusers and almost invariably personality disordered,IMO. Your husband seems , particularly, disordered, very far along on the continuum.

[oldshirt]

You are asking the wrong question. The question you should be asking is if crappy people ever miraculously turn into good, decent people out of the blue.

 

 

Your (hopefully STBX) has a major character flaw and is a just plain not good person.

 

 

In order to "get better on the other side," he will have to transform into a completely different person that is kind, compassionate, respectful of other people and cares for people other than himself.

 

 

Do you ever see that occurring??

[Krashi]

You are asking the wrong question. The question you should be asking is if crappy people ever miraculously turn into good, decent people out of the blue.

 

 

Your (hopefully STBX) has a major character flaw and is a just plain not good person.

 

 

In order to "get better on the other side," he will have to transform into a completely different person that is kind, compassionate, respectful of other people and cares for people other than himself.

 

 

Do you ever see that occurring??

 

Agree. And, realistically, the disordered are exteremly difficult to treatsome feel these conditions, the cluster B disorders, are intractible.

[cja]

I don't know if I ever see that happening. I do know I appear ridiculous. If a friend, family member, or even a stranger were to ever relay the story that I have experienced, of course, my advice would easily be to leave. However, I do always truly believe that there are two sides to every story and perhaps I inadvertantly contributed to his straying and to his current name calling etc. Even my therapist says that I contribute to the issues and that it is never just one person's fault. I try my best to be sensitive to his needs and to not hurt his self-esteem but sometimes I do anyway even when I am not trying to. When I talk about his affair and how it hurts me it makes him very uncomfortable and angry and he becomes extremely defensive, even when I am trying my very, very best not to be blaming. I can't seem to do it in a way that is effective. I'm always walking on eggshells but I still seem to hurt him. I know I have a good job, and outwardly everything in my life would seem like I could just move on and be fine. But I truly blame myself too, my husband says I'm fuc*ing stupid and I wonder if he's right? I have a master's degree, a great job, traveled the world over for my work, have lots of friends and people who amazingly look up to me, a loving family, am only 34 (no kids as my husband and I got pregnant but he convinced me to abort as he said a child would ruin his life), I'm told I'm pretty, I know I'm healthy outwardly and yoga fit and thin though I feel as ugly as my husband makes me feel, I feel ridicuous even typing all this even under anonymity but I've been with my husband so long that I feel that I have to have contributed to this somehow. I just don't know how to be better and fix things? I tried my best and honestly when he had the affair I thought things were better than they had ever been in our ten year history.

Edited November 23, 2015 by cja

[Popsicle]

He sounds like a royal azzhole to me. Leave him and slam the door behind you.

[Krashi]

He sounds like a royal azzhole to me. Leave him and slam the door behind you.

You sound as if the longterm abuse has made you question your reality. And, unfortunately, there are a decent % of therapists that subscribe to the unsupported view that an abusee, somehow contributes to causing the abuse.

Cheaters, by definition, are abusers who lack empathy, integrity, communication skills, and problem solving skills, among other deficiencies.

In addition to cheating, you describe verbal and emotional abuse.

I know what this is like. It is constant and relentless and the wearing you down has nothing to do with your intellect or education. The disordered seem to have boundless energy for continuing this exhausting dance.

Please, check out that Chump Lady site and start learning about the Clustef B disorders and the prevalence of them among cheaters.

[bigman1]

You know, when I was younger I went to this club that played House music. It was really loud. When I left that night, I could barely understand people talking to me. I could not hear the sound of cars. Actually, I felt like I was wearing noise cancelling headphones. I could not appreciate any sounds, not even that of my own voice. It took a while until I was able to get my hearing back and things got back to normal.

 

You lived in the loud overbearing sound chamber with your husband drowning out all other sound with his negativity about you. Its gonna take some time to get that sound out of your head and be able to hear the beautiful nuances of life's sounds. It will take you time to hear the songs of your merits.

 

NEVER EVER GO BACK, GET BACK WITH, LISTEN TO OR OTHERWISE REMAIN WITH THIS MAN. Get your some counseling and a plan to get away from this guy. Emotional abuse is abuse.

[flowergirl14]

1. Find yourself another therapist! Yours sucks. 2. Remove yourself from this very toxic person and go no contact. You will start to see him and your situation more clearly. Trying to bend like a pretzel to please him is Never Ever Ever going to work. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! He has mental problems. Any loving husband, man, decent person would not want their Wife to abort their child because the baby would ruin their life. He is vile! Again find a new therapist. This one doesnt sound healthy. Keep reaching out to others for support. Love yourself. He doesnt love or like you. His actions show this. You sound like a great woman who has a lot going for you but your cheating husband! Dont worry about fixing him ..fix you. No one should ever tell there SO that they are stupid. Completely unacceptable!

[Krashi]

1. Find yourself another therapist! Yours sucks. 2. Remove yourself from this very toxic person and go no contact. You will start to see him and your situation more clearly. Trying to bend like a pretzel to please him is Never Ever Ever going to work. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU! He has mental problems. Any loving husband, man, decent person would not want their Wife to abort their child because the baby would ruin their life. He is vile! Again find a new therapist. This one doesnt sound healthy. Keep reaching out to others for support. Love yourself. He doesnt love or like you. His actions show this. You sound like a great woman who has a lot going for you but your cheating husband! Dont worry about fixing him ..fix you. No one should ever tell there SO that they are stupid. Completely unacceptable!

 

It is amazing, the number of smart people who get worn down by abuse such that they doubt themselves. This man is not even a close call, but, because you ard enmeshed and depleted by long term abuse, you doubt yourselff.

I have my doctorate. My spouse was an uneducated bully, really, much dumber than me. Yet, despite, initiallr fighting back, over time, i was worn down and just gave up.

I thank God for the cheating. It was my bright line that woke me up and got me out.

[waterwoman]

"Even my therapist says that I contribute to the issues and that it is never just one person's fault."

 

WTF???!! Has this wonderful therapist told you exactly how you contributed? I don't disagree for one moment that relationship issues are usually caused by two people but affairs and emotional abuse are the fault of one and one only.

 

Dump the therapist. Dump the twat you are married to . Not neccessaily in that order!

[fellini]

Perhaps you should think about doing your own soul-searching bike trip down your own Pacific Trail.

 

Maybe even cross the pond so you can't be reached or disturbed.

 

 

Change ONE thing in your life, for you, that you want, and watch how easy it will be to recognise that you life your life, and he lives his. No one who shares the gift of a relationship holds anyone back.

 

Spread your wings, while you can, you only have one life to live.

 

Book your ticket and send him a text message from the airport.

[Quest]

Yes, of course you can be happier without this man. He's made, and is continuing to make, you unhappy. But, ultimately, you have to be responsible for your own happiness and that means letting go of this relationship, such as it is, and putting your own needs first. This man doesn't meet your needs. Get firm about these - with a good therapist if necessary - and, as and when you enter into a new relationship, make sure it's one where you are treated with love and respect, in return for love and respect on your side.

[cgiles]

You are in an abusive relationship, and you act like a victim of abuse.

 

Can you make this test, and post here the result ?

Domestic Violence Screening Quiz - Psych Central

[fellini]

You are in an abusive relationship, and you act like a victim of abuse.

 

Can you make this test, and post here the result ?

Domestic Violence Screening Quiz - Psych Central

 

 

Personally I find that test somewhat problematic. Other than the one responding to a partner beating you, the rest need better context.

[Sandy43]

In answer to your question I do believe that there are people who are happy after, however I do not feel that you will be one of them. There are a lot more issues here than infidelity. Please, for your own sake leave him and get yourself a good therapist.

[dreamingoftigers]

Time to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship.

 

After I read that book, after being ditched in another city by my cheating husband; I really didn't mind packing his stuff and having it ready for him when he got home.

 

The crappier they treat you, the more it see they break us down and make it even harder to go.

 

I also gave my husband the book to read along with his things so he understood EXACTLY WHY he could get lost.

Turns out he actually read it.

 

I haven't been called "effing bitch" ever since. I refused to even consider any form of reconciliation until he went to treatment. He tested that a few times and went.

That was the most helpful for him. He got in touch with how he was feeling and how to take responsibility for it. They taught him meditation etc.

 

In the meantime, he started supporting our daughter (which he wasn't doing). Its been almost a year since he ditched us and he's made a lot of changes. We are currently in marital counseling, which has gotten heated a few times. But I am actually hopeful. He hasn't done any kind of ditching or whatever either. I've made it pretty. Clear I don't mind living on my own. And I really don't.

 

Like your husband, mine tried to blame me for his cheating too and for years I tried to nicely, gently address everything so as not to trigger shame. I had a crappy counselor too. I found at the end, when I finally fired her, that all she had given me was extra trauma, no coping skills, no answers as to what was going on in my relationship or ways to fix it. However she did act like my husband deserved some extra-special treatment because of his rough childhood. (Never mind my rough childhood where I was now in an abusive relationship). She basically enabled him to keep treating me like shyte and disappearing. So he did.

 

It wasn't until consequences and loss came into the equation that there was any change. And there wasn't any evidence of change for months.

 

I think its time to tell your husband to take (another) hike.

 

By the way mine was always jealous of my financial and working status as well because he hadnt done almost anything to better his own situation. So instead of bringing himself "up" he would put me down. You don't need that crap. No one does.

[OneLov]

OP:

 

From the perspective of "the other person," you are 100% not too blame for the affair. Marriage therapists say anything to get your $$$. Think about it, if the therapist said, "actually it's 100% his fault since it was 100% his choice (aka the truth)," that wouldn't be too profitable of an assessment.

 

Being responsible for the state of the marriage prior to the affair and bearing responsibility for the affair itself are totally separate issues that need to be addressed independently if you desire to reconcile with him. But may I suggest you do not until he shows a shred of accountability for the situation. If he was forced into this affair by you, what's to stop you from making him cheat on you again?

 

It's a sad but true reality women blame themselves in affairs regardless of their role in the triangle. Why? Because men are suppose to cheat, and it's your job to put up with it or somehow prevent it? Seriously, you need to tell Mr. Wonderful to go pound salt and hit the trail. It's time to pull the 180.

 

*** In general, your gender will determine who you believe is to blame. Male BS/BPs almost never blame themselves for their partner stepping out. In a majority of affairs, female BS/BPs wrongfully believe they are partially at fault for their partner's decision to cheat. It's a sad but not surprising statistic.

 

Find yourself a better forever,

OneLov

[Minnie09]

Your husband sounds like he feels inferior to you. This can stem from the fact that you're more successful in your job than he is, that you make more money etc. That he feels emasculated. It can also come from the fact that he has been unfaithful and was leaving you, but since that new relationship didn't work out for him, he had no choice but to come back to you. Which might make him feel helpless, like a failure, and - again - inferior. Because he feels inferior, he acts aggressively towards you, hence the name calling and abuse. Nothing good can come from this situation. I am sure he is aware that he is contributing to the downfall of your marriage, but at the same time he expects you to put up with his ****. He does not sound like a happy person, and he drags you down with him. The fact that you do not put your foot down makes him believe that you will put up with his crap forever. That is not a very good basis for a solid relationship. Nothing will get better until he figures out what he wants and where he wants to be. Right now it seems to me that he's only there by default. He wanted to leave but it didn't work out. Hence he returned. But that is not where he wants to be. His behavior shows that he has little respect for you. And rather than working on his issues and trying to get the M back on track, he keeps putting you down. He is doing this in order to make himself feel better, better about you being more successful, about him having had an affair, about feeling guilty and worthless. He doesn't want to feel that way, believe me, but the only coping mechanism he has is trying to make you feel as insignificant as he feels about himself right now. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know for a fact that this is not going to change by ignoring it. Counseling does not seem to be working well, either, as nobody holds him accountable for anything at this point. You can try to address issues over and over again, and you can try to be as gentle as possible when you do it, but you have seen that it is not doing anything in order to improve your relationship with him. My point is that he is the one who has to proactively work on his issues, understand what his issues are, and figure out what he truly wants and were he truly wants to be. He might love you, but he might not be comfortable in your presence, because of all the guilt he feels, due to his infidelity and due to his lack of performance in different parts of his life. He will not do anything about it at this point, because there's no need to. Like dreamingoftigers said, there's no motivation for him to change anything. It's up to you to decide for YOURSELF what you need. And make that happen. This means cutting him off, having the tough talk, and walking away. As soon as he's learned his lesson and is ready to come back, he'll let you know. And then you can create a new framework for your life together. But right now, I don't see that happening.

[Krashi]

OP:

 

From the perspective of "the other person," you are 100% not too blame for the affair. Marriage therapists say anything to get your $$$. Think about it, if the therapist said, "actually it's 100% his fault since it was 100% his choice (aka the truth)," that wouldn't be too profitable of an assessment.

 

Being responsible for the state of the marriage prior to the affair and bearing responsibility for the affair itself are totally separate issues that need to be addressed independently if you desire to reconcile with him. But may I suggest you do not until he shows a shred of accountability for the situation. If he was forced into this affair by you, what's to stop you from making him cheat on you again?

 

It's a sad but true reality women blame themselves in affairs regardless of their role in the triangle. Why? Because men are suppose to cheat, and it's your job to put up with it or somehow prevent it? Seriously, you need to tell Mr. Wonderful to go pound salt and hit the trail. It's time to pull the 180.

 

*** In general, your gender will determine who you believe is to blame. Male BS/BPs almost never blame themselves for their partner stepping out. In a majority of affairs, female BS/BPs wrongfully believe they are partially at fault for their partner's decision to cheat. It's a sad but not surprising statistic.

 

Find yourself a better forever,

OneLov

 

This is , patently, untrue as regards male BSs. If you read the forums, you will see, if anything, male BSs tend to accept blame even more readily. It may be equal, but it is certainly not the case that male BSs do not, wrongly, blame themselves.

The guys whose stories I read, almost invariably, include some passage about neglecting or working too much etc,. as the cause of their spouses' cheating.

[merrmeade]

Reading your observations, I realize how hammered into submission I was at this point after dday as well. You will get a lot of reaction to the fact that you actually buy into his portrayal of you as stupid and ugly - and you should because you need to BELIEVE that you do not deserve this abuse. Some of us are on this spectrum from complicity in the abuse to lack of consequence. None of us should tolerate it.

 

It seems to me you carry a little voice from childhood that echoes his abuse when you hear it. I, too, question the support you're getting in IC to protect yourself from the continued hammering.

 

Anyway, just see what you think about the comments in your post grouped in categories (below):

 

Your list of his abusive behavior:

- his straying

- his current name calling etc.

- got pregnant but he convinced me to abort

 

You:

- master's degree, a great job, traveled the world over for my work, have lots of friends and people who amazingly look up to me, a loving family, am only 34

- [am] told I'm pretty .. healthy outwardly and yoga fit and thin

- feel as ugly as my husband makes me feel

- truly blame myself too

- always walking on eggshells

- wonder if he's right?

- feel that I have to have contributed to this somehow

- just don't know how to be better and fix things

- tried my best and honestly

 

Your interactions:

- I talk about his affair and how it hurts me

- trying my very, very best not to be blaming

- try my best to be sensitive to his needs [and] not hurt his self-esteem but sometimes I do anyway even when I am not trying to

- can't seem to do it in a way that is effective.

 

Him:

- very uncomfortable and angry

- becomes extremely defensive.

- still seem to hurt him.

- says I'm fuc*ing stupid

- said a child would ruin his life

 

Your assessment looking in from the outside:

- I do know I appear ridiculous.

- If a friend, family member, or even a stranger were to ever relay the story that I have experienced, of course, my advice would easily be to leave.

- outwardly everything in my life would seem like I could just move on and be fine.

- I don't know if I ever see that (his transformation) happening.

 

Your attempts to be "fair and objective":

- truly believe that there are two sides to every story

- perhaps I inadvertantly contributed to

- therapist says that I contribute to the issues and that it is never just one person's fault

 

If you stand back and read over what you wrote here, I wonder if you'd see your contribution to the dysfunction, how you enable his abusive behavior. You clearly are not stupid or ugly, yet, not only do you allow his putdowns, you feel responsible and deserving of his outbursts and abuse.

 

I wonder if you have another voice from childhood or somewhere reinforcing his verbal abuse, telling you you're not good enough?

 

In his case, it's shame talking (only), which by definition precludes empathy. It's based on continued focus on self and an abuser's inability to acknowledge the abuse or victim created by the abuse.

 

The ONLY reaction you should give is to issue a warning and follow through with the consequence if they're repeated.

[OneLov]

This is , patently, untrue as regards male BSs. If you read the forums, you will see, if anything, male BSs tend to accept blame even more readily. It may be equal, but it is certainly not the case that male BSs do not, wrongly, blame themselves.

The guys whose stories I read, almost invariably, include some passage about neglecting or working too much etc,. as the cause of their spouses' cheating.

 

I respectfully disagree with your conclusion. Your anecdotal reasoning does not include all male BS/BPs but only very small percentage of them who have Loveshack accounts. I agree that the vast majority male BS/BPs who participate in the forums do wrongfully accept blame, but the male BS/BPs with Loveshack accounts are a very small minority of male BS/BPs. In other words, you don't join AA if you believe you don't have a drinking problem whether or not you actually have one or not.

 

But I will retract my statement as I agree it is too broad. Private message me if you want links to credible studies on infidelities and gender specific research.

 

OneLov

[Krashi]

I respectfully disagree with your conclusion. Your anecdotal reasoning does not include all male BS/BPs but only very small percentage of them who have Loveshack accounts. I agree that the vast majority male BS/BPs who participate in the forums do wrongfully accept blame, but the male BS/BPs with Loveshack accounts are a very small minority of male BS/BPs. In other words, you don't join AA if you believe you don't have a drinking problem whether or not you actually have one or not.

 

But I will retract my statement as I agree it is too broad. Private message me if you want links to credible studies on infidelities and gender specific research.

 

OneLov

Actually, my evidence, while anecdotal, is based on years of reading stories by betrayed men on a wide variety of sites and in articles etc.

I have seen it time and again, the self blaming of spouses of both genders on these sites.

This is not a gender issue and betrayed folks should stand together and not bash the other gender, IMO.

[sambolini]

Much happier after divorcing my cheating ex wife. She's now openly cheating on her new husband, who doesn't do anything about it. But it's not my problem anymore. I get to live my life how I want without having to care what she does.

 

Believe me when I say that divorcing a cheater is by far the best thing a BS can do. It gives you back control of your life and destiny. Nothing is worth more than that.