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Scared- questions about new relationship and punishment


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 31st January 2005, 6:40 PM   #1
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Question Scared- questions about new relationship and punishment

Hi all-

Where to start? I'm separated and in the middle of a divorce. I've been emotionally divorced for three years but not physically separated for long. Married 13 years, two children. I had asked hubby for three years to go to counseling, brought home articles for him to read and he threw them away, talked to his parents individually to see if they could talk to him and point blank came out and told him I was going to leave him if he didn't start spending some time with me. As far as I know, he hasn't been unfaithful but he has spent alot of time away from home doing his hobbies. He spend 40 weekends out of the last year away doing this thing. He works hard, is a good dad, doesn't drink or hit me but the bottom line is I want a husband who wants to spend time with me and will put my needs above his own. I do admit that I had a brief fling before we separated with a married friend, it was only twice, and I regretted it. According to my husband, the only problem in our marriage was that we were not having enough sex. Of course, we were having it even though he had gained 100 lbs but I wasn't sexually attracted to him anymore due to him never meeting my needs.

I had met a divorced man before the actual physical separation. It was only a friendship thing- he offered me support because he had been there and knew how it was. We talked by e mail and phone alot. He did at one point tell me that he wouldn't mind pursuing a relationship with me if I decided to leave my marriage but that if there was ANY chance I could work it out then I should stay and do counseling etc.

Fast forward I move out and DG and I start a relationship. It's better than anything I could ever dreamed of. We get along in every area- emotionally, we communicate, sexually everything. In fact, our sex life is ROCKIN- much more so than ever in my marriage. I'm waiting for the divorce to be final now. He's everything I would look for in a life partner if I had to choose again. We have joked about how it's just like first love in a way because we are so into each other.

This is my problem. I've always been very religious and the guilt about the divorce is killing me. I don't want to go back to my H and I do not love him anymore. I'm scared that because things are so good with my new man that God is just teasing me and is going to pull it all out from under me for hurting my husband by asking for the divorce. I know this sounds crazy but I can't seem to push this down. I've shared this with my new man and his reasoning was, "God wants his children to be happy and sometimes he has to achieve this by unconventional means" That and I also feel bad about the fact that my children are away from their father half the time (we split custody). I also feel that though I had to do what it took to ensure I was happy (and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown from trying to stay when I didn't have it in me)

Is this normal? Can anymore relate?? I'm soooooooo scared. I could see that I could get really serious about this guy, and he says he is already serious about me.
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Old 31st January 2005, 7:09 PM   #2
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I think you're scared and feel guilty because for the first time in a looong long time you're happy. And you're reflecting this scare you have on the religious aspect of your life.

I'm not married, nor have I been married. All I know is that it's a horrible thing to end a years long relationship. Sometimes people need time, other time they're ready to move on.

I cannot advise you with regard to the religious aspect. I do think you're scared because you're leaving an institution (marriage) you're comfortable with and which protected you for some time. It's the change per se you resent, and not the act. The biggest barriers are mental ones, those that we set for ourselves. It's on to you to be able to break this barrier in order to finally be happy.


People are so seldom happy, so little of us stay with those with whom we really love. Even less dare to change that. Talk to a minister if indeed you want some sound advice.

About the kids: was he spending afternoons with them? If he was away from you, he obviously was away from them too. Chances are he gets to spend, appreciate and get to know his kids better because he has only a part of his time with them. I don't know. I may be speaking nonsense.

I hope it helps, at least it's one opinion.

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Old 31st January 2005, 8:25 PM   #3
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So you're actually comparing a brand new sexual relationship to a 13 year marriage?

Well, when the honeymoon is over, look out. The divorce rate for second marriage is over 60%. Of course it's great now, you both are getting everything you've been starved for, for so long. It's like a feeding frenzy. Your apetites will be sated, life and time will take their toll on newness and excitement, then the work will begin. It'll start to feel very familiar.

It is not another that MAKES you happy, it is YOU who make you happy. Look inward and work to discover what role you played in destroying the once love-filled relationship you had with your husband. Why did he detach? why did you?

Answer these questions and you'll really do away with all that self-imposed guilt. Don't get me wrong, It sounds like your feelings for your H are gone. Regardless of whether I think marriage is about more than just feelings, I know that love lost is a marriage killer. So you should do it quick, respectfully, and with your dignity.

Just be ready, Divorce is in no way easy. It could in fact tear down the fragile foundation of whatever it is you imagine you have with this new guy.


like never before,


MA
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Old 1st February 2005, 12:19 PM   #4
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Thanks Curly- I believe you are right- we only have so many chances to be happy in life. My dad says he has enormous respect for me because there is not alot of women who would do what I did. I left a very socially prominent family- his family made me promises of a maid and someone to do my laundry if I stayed- a new large well appointed home. He said there wasn't many women who would do what I did just to be happy- that so many people stay in marriages when they aren't and make each other miserable.

Yes, when he was gone the children were with me and he wasn't spending time with them. So, hopefully this will help. He has parents though that help him alot so I'm not ever really sure if he's caring for them or if they are. I know lately they have been taking alot of their baths at my in laws.

MM- I have looked inward at my causes for the end of my marriage. Notice above all of the things that I said I did before I resulted to divorce. I did everything they tell you to do. I even tried doing it his way, giving him more sex so that he would try and meet my needs. It just didn't work. The only thing that I can say that I did is withdraw sexually from him because he never tried to meet my needs. But, I continually told him that was why. I am the one who lost love for him, he still professes his love for me up to this day. I grew up with a mother who made me grand promises about how much she loved me and never followed through with it so after listening to his promises for years about how he was going to change (just like her) and then he never did- I finally got fed up.

This is a man who is so selfish that he would rather his kids go to school without lunch money than him have to stop by the ATM, but that is another story.

I know that another person cannot make you completely happy. I am looking for a partner to enrich my life- not give me a reason for living. I do not HAVE to have anyone. I also did individual counseling to make sure that I am where I need to be emotionally and according to my counselor I am. I do not believe DG is looking for me to give him a reason for living either.

I also have tried to get the divorce over with quickly and painlessly, and I never asked for anything for myself- only the kids. I thought that was fair considering I'm the one who asked for the divorce. Unfortunately, H wants to continue to try and punish me and won't allow me to get on with it just yet.
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Old 1st February 2005, 12:28 PM   #5
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So you feel guilty and punishable just because of your religion?
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Old 1st February 2005, 1:19 PM   #6
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Yes, I believe in a way that it is because of that.

I have been involved my church since before our marriage, around 15 years. I have regularly attended, and worked many different jobs in church activities. I believe I love the Lord very much.

H had me hauled in front of the pastor for a private session which I agreed to. My pastor preached and ranted to me for four hours about how I didn't have a biblical reason to divorce him. I truly believe that the Bible teaches divorce is wrong, but I also believe He wants his children to be happy. Then after I got home that same day he came over and sat with H and I and H and he ranted for another four hours. My pastor actually paced the floor and cried.

Because of alot of things in my past (my pastor even said I had one of the worst childhood stories he had heard in 20 years) I suffer from PTSD. H knew this and still he and his family pushed me as far as they possibly could. I have tried to be civil for the sake of the children. He is the one who has resulted in name calling and such. I never wanted to hurt him like this has. He is afterall the father of my two kids as well as the fact he was in my life for a long time. I wanted it to be as easy as divorce possibly could but he refuses to let me do it that way. He wants to be hurtful, and at first I could understand that and I gave him the benefit of the doubt but then he got verbally abusive and I just couldn't tolerate that.

I knew if I stayed in the marriage I would eventually have a full blown affair and embarrass everyone- because he was never going to try and meet me even a quarter of the way. That is why I decided to get out when I did.
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Old 1st February 2005, 1:34 PM   #7
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Then let your belief in those spiritual teachings guide you along your path. Forgiveness is the cornerstone. And it would cast a very ill light to think that a just and loving God would punish you for what he knew you'd do anyway.

Your God is not your persecutor. You are.

You are responsible for YOUR actions, and your emotions

He is responsible for his actions and his emotions.

He can't stop you from being Kind and forgiving and peaceful, Only you can do that.

Remember, I said keep YOUR dignity. It's all you really have anyway.

do no harm,

MA

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Old 1st February 2005, 4:15 PM   #8
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MA-

I sooooo agree. That is exactly what I've been trying to do. No matter what he's done I have maintained my composure even when he was in my face screaming that I was a whore etc.

I have thought about the fact that God knew what I was going to do all along- I need to be able to forgive myself for my part in all of this and move on.
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Old 3rd February 2005, 5:30 PM   #9
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Good lawd..... Mz Pixie I just got through reading your post and yes, you do sound a little like me too. WOW --it is amazing to know that others are in the same predicament. I would like to ask you what did you tell your husband - your reason was for wanting to leave. Above all if he is anything like my husband - he will only keep throwing the promises of doing better in your face. And make you feel even more guilty like mine has done. I feel like I am the most confused person in the WHOLE wide world.

I too have had an affair due to feelin lonley and alone. I am no way of justifying it becasue I know that it is wrong. But it makes me feel soooo in charge of myself and able to do my own thing.
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