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My name is Russ. I have been married for 26 years to a wonderful woman whom I love very much. Our marriage has been rocky but I believe that we do love each other. Unfortunately we have been separated for 5 months now. It is not the first time that this has happened. Just never this long. I desperately want my family back as I have discovered during my time alone what my priorities should be. We see each other on a regular basis. Kind of like boyfriend & girlfriend. I am trying to put her needs & feelings ahead of mine. I can be a good husband but my problem all along is that after a period of time I seem to drift off in to my own world because of work stress & financial stress. I need help to be able to stay a good husband & not veer off course. I am trusting in god to help heal our marriage. It will not happen over night I know, but I am tryig to show the that she is the most important thing in my life and I eant to make our marriage work. 26 years is too much time to just throw away, Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

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Maybe you could explain more about the multiple separations.

 

Separation isn't a tool to fix your Marriage, it's a practice divorce. Why aren't you living at home?

 

Mr. Lucky

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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/556982-i-take-ownership-death-my-marriage

 

 

Read this post. It describes me almost to a "T"

What this man has done is almost exactly how I have been with my wife. Never purposely did these things & never realized how I neglected my wife. I just wish I could go back in time & change things. I love my wife very much & do not want to ever be with anyone else. Right now I live in the house by myself & she lives in an apartment with my 15yo daughter. We see each other often. we watch TV shows together & I sleep over there a couple of nights a week.We do get along well when I am with her. I am trying desperately to make a make changes in myself to make her & my daughters my number one priority in my life. We meet for church every Sunday & I go to a councilor for my self to try to improve my self & become the man that I should have been all along. We are not looking at divorce right now. She told me a couple of weeks ago that the damage took a long time to create & will take a long time to heal. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I love my family & will do anything in this world to not loose them. I cannot change the past, but I can be the man I should be in the present. If God will give me one last chance I will never hurt & neglect her again. Any help will be appreciated.

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Hello, I'm new too, didn't noticed if there was a New Members section to introduce ourselves.

 

Hey everybody (wave) :)

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Don't know. It's nice that you still have that closeness with her but at the same time it must make it hurt more. There may be someone else in the picture, there was in my case, she told me there wasn't but boy there was. She said she needed "alone time", time to "find herself", but what she meant was, there's someone else on the side and I need to be away from you so that I can talk to them/meet them or whatever. It seems sometimes that SOME women are so insecure that they don't realize how much someone loves them. They need to be showered with hollywood romance or they don't believe you love them. That was my case. Even though I'd tell her I loved her every day, kissed her every day, was playful with her, etc.... Apparently my love wasn't enough. Makes you wonder what kind of standards people want you to live up to.

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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/556982-i-take-ownership-death-my-marriage

 

 

We meet for church every Sunday & I go to a councilor for my self to try to improve my self & become the man that I should have been all along. We are not looking at divorce right now. She told me a couple of weeks ago that the damage took a long time to create & will take a long time to heal. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I love my family & will do anything in this world to not loose them. I cannot change the past, but I can be the man I should be in the present. If God will give me one last chance I will never hurt & neglect her again. Any help will be appreciated.

 

My wife also told me the damage was a long time in the making. Your advantage is that she is not pushing for divorce. My wife is.

 

So you still have hope. You're doing the best thing. Work on you. Be conscious of your mistakes. Be better. Act better. Always choose "us" instead of "you." She will definitely take notice of that. I wish you well.

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She told me in addition to the "long time to damage, long time to heal" statement that if she wasn't "trying" that she would have already divorced me. She has a shield built up around her heart with me, because I am a repeat offender. I asked her the other day if she open it just a tiny bit so I can show he truly that I want to make our marriage good & more importantly stay good. I know that she will not come running back next week or even next month, I know it will take at least six more months or even more.

Also she knows how much that I love her. And honestly sometimes I think that may be to my disadvantage. She knows that would do anything on the planet to save my marriage, so she has no doubts about my feelings. In other words she has no fear of loosing me forever as I do her. Another note. I married her very young(18) & I am 11 years older than her. (44 & 55 now) She went from mom & dad to me. Over half her life has been with me. Sometime I think she may be going through some kind of " independence streak" One last thing for now, she was a "daddy's girl" BIG time. Her dad in her eyes was the perfect man, no one except Jesus himself could be better. And of course I have always fallen way short of her idea of a perfect man because of the standard that she set. I will never be able to measure up to that. She lost him in 98 & still is heartbroken over him.

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Have you two discussed the terms of the separation? Are you to remain monogamous? I read that she told you that there was no one else....many times here that is the response but in fact there is at least a confident that is the starting point of an emotional affair....what do YOU think about a third party?

 

Have you two considered marriage counseling?

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Also she knows how much that I love her. And honestly sometimes I think that may be to my disadvantage. She knows that would do anything on the planet to save my marriage, so she has no doubts about my feelings. In other words she has no fear of loosing me forever as I do her. Another note. I married her very young(18) & I am 11 years older than her. (44 & 55 now) She went from mom & dad to me. Over half her life has been with me. Sometime I think she may be going through some kind of " independence streak"

 

You discovering one of the interesting dynamics of relationships - he or she that cares the least has the most power. I'd be careful about coming across as too needy...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Yes you seem to be correct. I am lowering the "need" scale just a little bit. She knows where she has me & I know it is to my disadvantage. But I still want to work on things. As far as counseling I go to one myself for me. The purpose is to expose & correct my shortcomings not only in my marriage but for me personally. If I can truly become a better man then I will become a better husband & father. I am changing the way that I act twords my family. I try to put their feelings & needs ahead of mine. We went to counseling about ten years ago. All I got from it was that everything wrong in my marriage was my fault,and that she has done no wrong. I feel like I had a bad councilor. One thing that I did learn that I will never forget is that marriage is like a bank account. You make deposits & withdraws. The good things that you do are deposits & the bad things you do are withdraws. You have to make more deposits than withdraws. If not your account will go negative. Unfortunately mine is severly in the red right now & I am trying to get it back in the black.

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No downside to what you're doing, as you said you'll emerge a better man.

 

Just be careful of (emotionally speaking) throwing good money after bad. At some point, she'll have to decide if she's in or out. If she starting dating or seeing other people, I'd take that as she's out...

 

Mr. lucky

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Russ, are you seeing a Christian counselor? I'm assuming (and I may be wrong) that you are Christian since you mentioned attending church with your wife. If your counselor hasn't suggested it, I'm going to recommend Doug Fields' book "7 Ways to be Her Hero". It's a very easy and entertaining read and I know from personal experience, it can make a difference in how you look at your relationship. I gave it to my BF earlier this fall..unfortunately, we went through a breakup that only lasted a few weeks, and I can tell that he took some of the 7 Ways to heart and has been trying to consistently apply them the past 6 weeks. :) I'm quite impressed! There are few things more attractive than a man that genuinely tries to please his partner & improve their relationship...I hope your wife can see that as a powerful strength and not perceive it as her having the upper hand over you. If she can't, I guarantee there are other women out there who would appreciate the effort you are making.

Good Luck!

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Jadie Thank you so much for your advice & encouragement. I will see if I can find that book. Yes my councilor is a faith based councilor with a PHd.(if that matters) Yes i am a christian. God tells us that he will never put more on us that we can bear. Well the Lord is loading me pretty heavy. Fortunately I do have a very small circle of friends that are always there for me. They Always answer the phone or text. Where there are some whom just dont want to hear about it anymore.Trust me on this one people, times like this in your life, you find out who your true friends are. A couple of years ago I had a friend that was in a similar situation. We had an extra room in the house & I opened my home to him for 2 months so he could get back on his feet never asked him for a dime. FF two years later he cannot dial the phone few times a week just to see if I am OK. Kind of sad. Oh well. I joined a Separation/divorce support group through one of the local churches.Next mtg is next Tuesday. maybe this will help also. I am backing off some & giving her a little more space, maybe this will help the situation also. Since I know she will not be back home anytime soon I am taking a roommate. Two reasons first financial. I am making ends meet but not as comfortably as I would like to be. I live in a fairly large 4bdr house alone & stay in my room most of the time anyway. Second just to not go home to an empty house every day & have someone to talk to.

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