Divorce Nearly Final

[Geddy Lee]

UPDATE: Its been over a year since I desperately sought advice here. I genuinely appreciated the replies. I would like to humbly give my story's ending so maybe I could help one separated dad (or mom) out there like the members here helped me to get through my hard times. The thread was titled "Separating and don't know what to expect".

 

To give a shortened version of my story, I'll start by explaining that I didn't want to leave my wife and daughter and she wanted to end the marriage. I was so blinded and was in denial. Some here told me it was over and there was no chance. They were correct. I kept a shred of faith that she would change her mind and that was unfortunately a high price to pay. I should have instantly got a lawyer and never moved out of the house. I could have saved thousands of dollars since I was still supporting her during our separation, and living separate, all the while she was dating other men. I should have never bent over backwards to try to beg for her to change her mind.

 

To anyone out there in this desperate situation, if she says its over, and all your friends and councilors and preachers and lawyers says its over... then its over. You'll be furious that you kissed up and wasted money on her.

 

Even if you sincerely think you will change and you are sorry and even if you've not done anything wrong and still try to redeem yourself I can assure you there's no chance. No one was able to convince me of this certainty, probably because of the frankness of some of the member's opinions. And if there is any suspicion of infidelity in the slightest, then yes, its over and there is no chance you'll get her back. Let her go and collect yourself and get help, from friends, a pastor, counseling and reading.

 

I was so distraught and depressed. I still miss my daughter every day but I spend such great quality time with her when we're together its actually made us closer emotionally when we can be together. I have a tremendous relationship with my 7 year old daughter and I know my wife doesn't have that closeness with our daughter like I have, because when we're together its all daddy-daughter time and I give her lots of love and we have so much fun together.

 

I thought she (my wife) was "the one" for me and I would never get over that loss but now I am just extremely bitter and sometimes hateful for what she's done to our family.

 

If you have children, take this time to give them lots of love, and have fun. Become interested in the things they enjoy and play and be a great parent and have awesome moments with them.

 

Oh one last thing. I eventually was backed into a corner and I got my lawyer and blasted the hell out of her with a fault divorce and served her with papers that threatened to take my daughter and the house and receive alimony from her and all our possessions and she immediately agreed to compromise and talk and negotiate. It has all worked out and has resulted in a fair resolution. We remain very considerate to each other due to the need for a good relationship for our daughter.

 

A separated dad must stand up for himself and be strong and loving to his child/children.

 

Its still hard to realize I'm a divorced dad and its totally different and I'll have to continue to learn how to live and accept this life.

[mystikmind2005]

my ex moved out last January, i also did not want the divorce.

 

I realize i have a right to be angry, but we both made mistakes fairly equally, so i can let those things go, i can even forgive her destroying the family.

 

I think true love is the ability to let her go and wish her the best to find the happiness she could not find with me, and that feeling is not tainted by self pity or some other twisted motivation.

 

But the ongoing stumbling block is custody.

 

She used allot of words saying how she wants to remain friends and maintain an amicable parenting relationship, then proceeded to refuse any overnight custody to me of our 3 year old daughter.

 

We went to mediation and negotiated 1 mid week overnight stay which was just supposed to be the starting point and gradually increase over time. but after two overnight stays my ex refused any further overnight because our daughter was tired (because she had not adjusted yet of course).

 

I think my ex has an absolute lack of respect for me despite all her 'noble' sounding words. So how can there be an amicable parenting relationship without respect?

 

I still try to remain positive despite everything, although i have cut almost all communication with my ex. I am at that point of realization that i will have to take this to court,,, but i don't want it to be out of spite or bitterness,, just because i want a meaningful relationship with my daughter, and so she will know i thought she was worth fighting for

[DivorcedDad123]

This is why I often tell men going through divorce to treat it like war. No mercy, because you're not going to get any in return the majority of the time. You have to fight for everything you're entitled to as a man and parent. Too many fall on their sword to preserve the peace amd because they've usually done it throughout the marriage. Stbx's take advantage of that.

After the papers are signed and you've gotten what you feel is fair, then you can back off and negotiate. Until then, be prepared to fight a marathon long divorce that will strip you of everything if you let it.

[mystikmind2005]

This is why I often tell men going through divorce to treat it like war. No mercy, because you're not going to get any in return the majority of the time. You have to fight for everything you're entitled to as a man and parent. Too many fall on their sword to preserve the peace amd because they've usually done it throughout the marriage. Stbx's take advantage of that.

After the papers are signed and you've gotten what you feel is fair, then you can back off and negotiate. Until then, be prepared to fight a marathon long divorce that will strip you of everything if you let it.

 

Hahahaha, that is funny because my ex had sent me a text saying "this is not a war". I had not said anything to indicate i felt it was, i was just keeping quiet and she randomly sent that text after refusing overnight custody once again.

 

Even at that time i took that message as an indication that she knows she is doing wrong, otherwise why would she have felt the need to say it? (Incidentally i did not reply to that text).

[Mr. Lucky]

I was so distraught and depressed. I still miss my daughter every day but I spend such great quality time with her when we're together its actually made us closer emotionally when we can be together. I have a tremendous relationship with my 7 year old daughter and I know my wife doesn't have that closeness with our daughter like I have, because when we're together its all daddy-daughter time and I give her lots of love and we have so much fun together.

 

You make a good point one doesn't realize until you separate. I had more one-on-one time with my son after our divorce than I did when married. If you have the smarts to focus on your kid(s), divorce doesn't mean the end of parenting...

 

Mr. Lucky