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Difficult break up


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Hi,

I've never posted on a forum before but was looking for advice/thoughts/Anyone that can relate to my current situation.

I've recently separated from the father of my two children. We've been together for 8 years.

We had been going through a rough patch on the relationship but I never wanted to separate. When he left, he moved in with his Mum and it was a real surprise and I honestly thought he would come home.

A couple of weeks passed and I started getting suspicious that he was seeing someone, then my worst fears were realised when I discovered he was seeing my brothers girlfriend! We were all very close and had been on holiday together and she was the godmother to our son.

They had planned it and she finished with my brother (after a 4 year relationship) a few days after my ex moved out.

I was obviously devastated but after a couple of months he said he was confused and didn't know what he wanted (his Dad had passed away last year and he was extremely close to him so part of me thought it was all part of the grieving process as it had hit him, me and our family very hard) ... We started to see if we could make things work and he told me he had finished with with her.

I later found out she was pregnant!!! i obviously felt shocked and hurt and worried about what it would mean for our children as they knew her as an Aunty and she already had a child of her own.

She messaged me telling me she was keeping the baby, my ex said he would be there for her and basically made me feel even worse.

It was a horrible situation but made even worse by the way it was handled by her and my ex, she went to numerous appoints to have an abortion but kept cancelling them and then at one point said it had nothing to do with my ex what was happening and she had no regard for the affect on mine or her child.

2 months passed and she did have an abortion and I later discovered that my ex was still seeing her, despite telling me he wasn't.

 

I've made mistakes with my decisons in some ways as well but the way I was treated by my ex and her has been nothing short of vile. They're the ones that cheated and pulled a family apart but somehow, I've been made to feel that I'm the one in the wrong.

 

My ex was very controlling and maipulative throughout the 7 months and didn't treat me with any respect at alL.

 

A couple of weeks ago I saw her and we spoke about a lot of things and there was a lot she wasn't aware of. She told me she's been really ill, he's controlled her and writes messages etc to send to the father of her child. Her Mum

Also said that he's manipulatibe and controlling! When he found out, his reaction wasnt good at all. Since then he has been so rude, vile and extremely difficult with the children and is refusing to have them overnight and telling me that he is selling the house we own together.

 

I just can't believe someone that you think you've known for so long can change so badly. I'm struggling wih everything that's happened (what I've written is just the tip of the ice berg) and also trying to come to terms with the end of the relationship, esp as my children are involved.

He's knocked my confidence, self esteem, self worth and made me feel worthless as he has just cast me and my family aside. They really cared for him and thought so much of him but she's basically shown no loyalty at all.

 

I know he needs help but he won't and is still seeing her, even though I know he is really un happy and everyone else can see it too.

 

I can't see anyway forward as so much has happened and he's changed in to a monster i don't even recognise.

 

Sorry for the long post... This isn't even half of what's happened.

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You need to go ahead and begin to plan life for you and your kids without him. He is not going to be of much use to you anymore. Good luck.

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Thank you for your messages.

I find it really hard to understand why someone would do this. I've never experienced emotional pain like what this is causing.

I worry about my childrens future as well as I can see him spending less and less time with them. He used to be such a family man.

He blames me for everything that's happened.

Is it possible for him to change back to the person he was or is he too far gone?

Him being with who he is causes a lot of pain and upset too. I just want it to end and for him to see what he's doing is damaging so many peoples lives, including his own.

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As for him changing back to the person he 'was', the person he was when? This is him now. So in ways it's not possible, it's not likely either.

 

As mentioned above start a new plan, one for you and your kids, that will make the best out of this situation.

 

That old line about when people show you who they are, believe them, comes to mind here.

 

Sorry for what you are going through here it's terrible.

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He came round to see the children tonight, for the first time in weeks (well since i spoke to her) we sat and were civil and even had a laugh together about what our children had been saying and doing.

I'm sure it won't last but I have to take each day as it comes.

I still miss the person he once was and struggle to accept this is who he is now. It's like I want some kind of magical thing to happen where he realises the mistakes he's made.

I know what I need to do but I'm finding it hard to accept this is really the end.

I know I might sound weak but so much has happened and its only now I'm having to find the time to digest it and try and understand.

I've been to counselling as well but that didn't seem to help much.

I notice someone said its the common story throughout the ages but I guess you just never expect it to happen to you.

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