i am gutted Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I found out today that Ex has in fact had a woman working for him. I asked him if he is in a relationship with her and he said that he has "seen her a few times." (working in a place with people who know me well) I KNOW that it shouldn't bother me but it actually does......right from the start I asked him if he could tell me himself if he has a "relationship" instead of finding out thru the grape vine. All I wanted was a bit of respect with that. he got defensive, ****ty and walked away and said that if I want to call it a relationship then yes he is. >?? also, she a grandmother of 6 has been 8 months and I Do miss him and have some love for him still but after this afternoon I have lost a little of that love. Obviously he doesn't give a crap. I feel like a pile of ****e Link to post Share on other sites
ConradAz Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 omg you story is exactly what I went through you need to let it go!!! because you can have a new life no actually you can have a new and better life but if you decide to live into his shadow you will be miserable for long time 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 You really can't expect anything once the relationship is over. Why would you need him to keep you posted on what's going on in his life? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 It's been 8 months since the split. He doesn't owe you any updates or explanations when it comes to his personal life. You need to let it go and focus on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted October 15, 2015 Author Share Posted October 15, 2015 yes I understand...........I just thought that after 27 years together he would still have a little respect. trying to let it go.... Link to post Share on other sites
ufo8mycat Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 yes I understand...........I just thought that after 27 years together he would still have a little respect. trying to let it go.... I agree. "letting go" is easier said than done. Rationally you probably know that you can't expect anything from him, that you are better off focusing on you etc etc. But we all have bad days. I think you should prepare yourself for little respect from him. Sucks? Yep. You expected better? For sure? But this is totally beyond your control. Find a friend you can be irrational with. Sometimes you need to just rant and don't need to be "checked" by reality. As long as you come back there In a three decade relationship 8 months is nothing. But tomorrow, make your list of what you are doing for you. Self care is so important at this time. It might just be cleaning the house, doing a bit of reading, calling a friend, going to a movie. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 21, 2015 Share Posted October 21, 2015 Creating a new life is the only way. Bit by bit, as you can OR blow the whole thing out of the water (your life I mean). Which I know is difficult with children. I've done both and the latter is MUCH better imho. Maybe you (and I) do the former whilst raising the kids. But plan for the latter for us. I'm struggling too as you know. I'm sorry you're in this place. We're in it together. I take alot of comfort in that my sister. NC seems to be the solution. NC in every way. They've NCd us! Years ago if we add it up. Why hang on? No reason at all. The 27 or 16 years are gone. Never to be retrieved. We must seize the moment. Throw that POS over a massive 50 foot thick wall and ONLY concentrate on WHAT IS WITHIN our power. Stephen Coveys "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" is an excellent book. I bought myself another copy recently and like you, haven't got the mental capacity to read it! Grrrr. Today I'm gonna start with the 2 concentric circles. Writing everything INSIDE my control in the first circle and everything OUTSIDE my control in the outer circle. Only work on the what you can control circle. Watch it expand. Xxxx Lion Heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 yes, I tried to message you but you need to clear your inbox hahahaha. am a little better today - thank you. will have a look for that book too. have a great day, all the best. R Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Hi R I managed to learn how to delete! OMG. I've tried so many times and my brain was so mushed I got completely stressed to the eye balls! So left it. Got a plan? For a new life? Love and hugs LH 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 yes I understand...........I just thought that after 27 years together he would still have a little respect. trying to let it go.... Assuming he'd complied with your request and told you about this relationship, what would you do with the knowledge ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 at least have a heads up on it.......all I asked was to be told by him and not find out thru grapevine, - but as usual he doesn't give a toss. I would rather the kids know from him as well instead of"bumping" into him with someone. I obviously expect too much I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Now you do have a heads up, you know about the relationship. You just didn't find out in the way you wanted. i am gutted, the problem is that this is about more than notification. You'll have to address the big issue before you can face the small one of who told you... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Well, now you are finally 'growing up.' Meaning, you're starting to realize you have to deal with such a person by looking at who they really are, and you only know that from their ACTIONS (or lack thereof). What are YOU doing to turn YOUR life into something so amazing you don't have time to waste thinking about him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I am gutted, You know it sucks but once they leave they have no obligation to tell us anything or behave properly. Its really ok though. It is best to pay them as little attention as possible. i had a recent example with my ex wife. We agreed that whenever one of us was going to go visit our son we would let the other know. Its about logistics really, so that I could give her something to bring to my son etc. It is a 3 hour ride. So my son called me today and told me my wife and her bf are coming to visit him tomorrow morning. Did she tell me? Of course not. lol But I don't really expect her to co-parent or behave properly. Chumplady has a saying. "Trust that they suck". In my case the saying is very appropriate. I expect nothing out of my ex. Really works better that way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author i am gutted Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 thanks Chew, I have been more distant lately and tyring to not let it bother me anymore and I do seem to feel a bit better....I am not asking him anything anymore - strictly business when he turns up. I will have a look for chumplady! hope you doing ok, thanks 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 has been 8 months and I Do miss him and have some love for him still but after this afternoon I have lost a little of that love. Sometimes that's why its better to just walk away and create a new life for yourself when a relationship ends. If you walk away and wash your hands of it, in time the bitterness and resentments will fade and you won't be poisoned by lingering anger and resentment etc. But if you keep tracking his progress and keeping in touch and paying attention to his business, it just drags it out and the anger and resentments and bitterness just keeps growing. You have two beings in inside you. one is a squared away, strong, independent woman with goals and dreams and a social life and is happy and healthy and adjusted etc. and the other is a seething, bitter, resentful monster that is eaten away with contempt and resentment etc. The one that grows and gets stronger is the one you feed. The one that is starved weakens and dies. Keeping in touch with the ex (other than child rearing matters) and being invested and caring what he is doing is feeding the monster. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 ...and in regards to the "respect" issue. I challenge that line of thinking. once a relationship has officially ended, I think it is actually more respectful and compassionate for them to just live their own life and leave you to live yours and not try to keep you up to date on their affairs (no pun intended) I can't remember the details of your backstory, but it would have been respectful of him to have been upfront and honest with you of his dissatisfaction in the marriage and not found your replacement until after the official separation. that would have been more respectful. He already flunked that respect test. However now that the relationship has officially been terminated, I honestly think the most respectful, compassionate and dignified thing he can do is to simply live his life and allow you to live yours without interference or any kind of interjection from him in any way. The reality is if he were to have told you about his relationship(s), it would have made you just as mad and just as upset and just as hurt and just as resentful. Nothing would have made it ok. There for it's probably best to just keep moving forward and looking ahead and not look back towards him at all. Every moment you spend involving yourself with his business is a moment you take away from your own progress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts