WantToJustBe Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 (edited) Goofed on subject line. Meant to say Seeking Advice or Thoughts Hello - In a nutshell, I've been married for 15 years but separated for the past 17 months. During the past 17 months we have been to 4 different counselors and 2 of those counselors, I actually would treat with individually after the marital counseling part pretty much came to a halt. My wife pleads with me to stay in the marriage and build a new one, from scratch. We have 2 kids together and she has a child from a previous marriage that I have raised and loved equally as my own. She presses me that I owe it to the "family" to stay together and make it work. I also receive a great deal of criticism and attacks from her family and close friends because of my current unwillingness to return to her. Hence, this is my main struggle...the kids primarily and of course the constant guilt I am given from her and others on "her" team. Here is the rub and all that has played out as an admission in counseling.... My wife is the most selfish woman I've ever known. We only knew each other for a couple of months before we got engaged and then married so quite frankly, I didn't know her that well. She almost refused to go on our honeymoon but she went - this was the first time I knew of her unwillingness to travel (but she did go). Over the next 15 years we never spent another night away together even though I begged. Instead, I would take my 3 children on individual annual trips around the country to both experience things with them and for my own interests to see things. I have been successful in my career and have provided a very comfortable lifestyle for my family. My wife has never been satisfied. House is never big enough so buy bigger, that one not big enough so build a bigger one. To note, last house built was straw that broke camel's back, where I finally left. It took a great deal of hard work to achieve my success and she enjoyed the benefits of it. Last house was obscene and still she would tell me I did nothing for her. She is 40 and never had to work a day in her life. I do not have issue with that as I was the breadwinner but I also had a very huge role in the raising of my kids. My issue was that she did not appreciate the benefit she had in staying home and living her life as she saw fit. She enjoyed spending time during the day with friends and family, playing tennis, shopping, etc. Then when I would come home from work I would pick up and take care of the kids and she would rush off to lay in bed and watch tv because she was so tired from her day. When my kids were babies, it was me who was up in the middle of the night feeding and being with them so she could sleep (she didn't nurse). You won't find a more involved father (easy for me to say but if you knew me you would see it was true so just assume what I'm saying is correct). I never went golfing on the weekends, didn't go have beer with friends to watch football, etc. If I wasn't at work I was at home with my kids. Every day from work I would be home for dinner. If I was running so much as 10 minutes late she wouldn't wait for me and would say my "priorities are whacked" because dinner with my family was not important, apparently. So I would eat alone often because traffic couldn't get me home when she required it. We never did anything together. I was lucky to get sex once every 2 weeks and she would often use sex as punishment if I did something she did not like. I could ask her to list for me the times she sacrificed anything for me, even 5 minutes of sleep, and she admits there is nothing. In her opinion, as she would say, "happy wife happy life" so it was my job to be her Sherpa and make her happy. My happiness should have come from giving her what she wanted to be happy. I didn't want all of the fancy things or big houses. I want experiences, to laugh, have fun and enjoy life. I literally used to tell her how I wished she would help me when I needed help to make my day easier and that her constant demands weighed heavy on me and added stress to my being. I have a secretary at work who helped me with work so she said, in turn she deserved those to help her, like the army of maids she had to constantly clean the house. Bottom line, I did everything to make her day easy and stress free. I lost my dad and best friend in 2013 within a 3 month span. It hit me hard and still does. She wasn't there for me. I started to realize that life is short and I'm so tired of this way of living. I'm sure it is cliché saying I feel underappreciated and not respected but it was true. She would emasculate me in public and would make clear that she was the boss. She plays the victim card well. Her family used to say how she needed to give me a break and to be happy with all she has but she would scoff at it. Now her family and friends think I'm the devil because I have grown tired. One of her friends from church even sent me a letter saying how I was going to hell if I didn't take her back. I'm so spent. I get great support from my friends, though, and they despise her for the way she treated me. She tells me she will change and begs me in tears to give her a chance. Still to this day I have to fight with her when it comes to things like seeing my kids on a day that SHE didn't place as one that I am given them. My kids tell me they want to be with me more and know that she is the boss. I filed for divorce but it is a long process because of the business I own. But nothing is final and I worry about my kids and about doing the right thing. I hate not seeing them every day but also cannot imagine being in the same house with their mother. Ugh... I'm sorry. I know this is long. I am not trying to paint this picture that I am perfect because I am NOT. But these are facts. We went thru counseling and they were discussed there. During 4th counselor she said, "I kicked him like a dog cause knew he would always come back because I didn't think he would ever leave his kids." At that point I was like, what the hell??? Anyway...thoughts or opinions are of course appreciated. My screenname is JustWantToBe because when I was stressed to the tilt and she was on me for more that she wanted or needed without regard to my stress, I would beg her to please just let me "be" that I just want to breathe. Edited October 10, 2015 by WantToJustBe Left out word Link to post Share on other sites
ShouldGo Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 So is the question should you take her back after 17 months? Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantToJustBe Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Yes, that is my struggle. I know it is my decision and no one on a forum can make that for me but just seeking some insight. To be honest, I don't miss her the person but I feel bad about the prospect of the marriage being dissolved, solely as it relates to my kids. In general, the kids are doing well. I spend a lot of time with them and discuss things. But still, it is a broken family. My head is buried in the sand and just avoiding it all but I need to make serious decisions and it is just hard to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 You shouldn't stay just for the kids and don't let her or anyone else use the kids or the length of your marriage to emotionally manipulate you. Are your kids fine now after 17 months apart? I think your kids will be fine. You do need to finalize your divorce though and fight for your time with the kids. She doesn't get the decide what that time will be, you BOTH make that decision and there will be a legal agreement in the divorce process that you both must uphold, or if you can't agree, the courts will make one for you that is fair to you both. I hope you have peace soon and later on when you're ready, find someone who really appreciates you like you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Since you weren't happy while with her and things haven't changed - there's not much reason to go backwards to what you know doesn't make you happy. Since you spent/spend a good deal of time caring for your kids then ask for custody of them in a high percentage. Set up your new place to be what you've always wanted for yourself. Sell property you own together and get things divided out... So that you can put distance between what you own together. If you divorce you have a chance at becoming happy. If you stay, not so much. I'd say since she hasn't made changes and is still selfish there's not much hope that it can get better by staying. Her crying is manipulation - don't buy into it. Be a good influence on the kids. Have the life you've wanted! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Sounds like your divorce will be costly, along the lines of the old joke that divorce is expensive because it's so worth it. I went through a similar process ending my first marriage, best money anyone ever spent. Happiness doesn't have a price. People will think what they'll think. I was very close to my ex wife's extended family but they all circled the wagons when we separated. I never told them the real story of infidelity, etc, doubt they'd have listened anyway. The truth is, for you to function as a father, you have to be in an emotional and personal space that works for you. I'm a big believer in marriage and staying together but it takes two to make it a success. Sometimes that's not possible and, having tried everything, it's a pretty clear path and easy decision. Hope you find what you're looking for... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantToJustBe Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 Thank you. Much appreciated. Like I've said it's a very emotionally draining thing...strangely enough not as it relates to my wife though because she is hard to miss but just the issues with my kids. I appreciate the words of advice. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Any reason you wouldn't be able to have a loving and supportive relationship with your kids if you and she divorced? Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantToJustBe Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 No, none at all. My kids and I are VERY close. I spend a lot of good quality time with them. My step-daughter is a freshman in college and 2-3 days a week she comes and hangs out in my office for 2-3 hours and does homework and she and I will go get lunch. She and I are closer than she is with her bio father or even her mother. My two kids spend 2 nights a week each and both with me on Friday nights (this arrangement didn't come easy but after being pressed by my 9-year old she finally realized what was in their best interest). I'm just a screenname but I can assure you that I am the most affectionate and loving and present dad you will find. My kids often tell me that I am the best and very self-less. Here is the problem. I'm just so insecure for some reason and thru my own counseling I have learned that it was just years of being told how inadequate I was as a father or husband that made me feel like I can't measure up. Whether her mom is saying I'm not loving her daughter the "correct" way or just hearing criticism from my wife on a daily basis just tore me down. It's easier to admit to it here but embarrassing to talk about it in person to friends. But when I think about it, it is asinine that I will lose my kids over all of this but I just worry about things she or her family says. I finally got tired of putting up with all of the nonsense and now I am this selfish horrible person. Self-preservation is what got me to leave. Before my father passed away in 2013 he used to always tell me and my mom how worried he was for me because she was so hard on me and would literally never just let me relax, always making a new demand. Now, after he is gone, her family even stoops so low to say my deceased father would not like my selfish ways. Anyway, I'm rambling but hopefully I made my point. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 You need The List from Men's Divorce Forum: THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum Your wife is abusing you. She's playing mind games with you. She has you so tired chasing her bait that you haven't had time to think of what it is she has you chasing. Her goal is to keep you there as long as possible playing her games so that she can financially drain you. Sorry. She's the dealer. The house always wins. The game is rigged. Just like a casino she's removed all the clocks and windows so you cannot see the precious thing you're really losing: Time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantToJustBe Posted October 13, 2015 Author Share Posted October 13, 2015 Another question - So my counselor tells me that I should get out and date during the pendency of the divorce even if not final. I actually discussed that with my soon to be ex and her opinion was that would be wrong. I hear of others doing it. Anyway, just curious what folks think about that. I've been separated for almost 18 months and it gets kinda lonely so I've debated doing just that so curious what folks think. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Would you have an issue with your STB ex wife dating? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantToJustBe Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Nope. I really wouldn't. Sounds sad I suppose but we have not had a "marriage" in a very long time. I rather her be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Another question - So my counselor tells me that I should get out and date during the pendency of the divorce even if not final. I actually discussed that with my soon to be ex and her opinion was that would be wrong. I hear of others doing it. Anyway, just curious what folks think about that. I've been separated for almost 18 months and it gets kinda lonely so I've debated doing just that so curious what folks think. Sounds like you're a well rounded, mature, and successfull guy with 3 great kids who love you so just try to keep that in mind while you're going through this stressful time with your soon to be ex. I know I'm just a reader but from the outside looking in, it seems like you've got a pretty good life except for 1 thing. We both know what/who that 1 thing is. You gave the marriage more than enough chances and the multiple marriage counselors are proof that you weren't just giving up because you were unhappy. Let's face it, most marriages these days are going to end. You may have never thought that would be you, but if you get past the mindset that your not somehow the exception to the rule and need to stick it out just to hold the appearance of a family together, then you'll be better off. Your wife isn't trying to make this work because she wants you as a husband or father. She has nothing and most likely will face a major lifestyle change once the divorce is finalized. Her world is crumbling and the gravy train is about to end so shel going to say and do anything possible in order to try and gain back the ATM. Her family/friends I'm sure are just hearing her side of the story and falling for the "he's abandoning me" routine. That's nothing you can change and frankly you should care less. If you're true to yourself and your actions are what you've said, then those who know you will understand why you needed to leave. And if people who don't know feel otherwise then who cares about them anyway. The guilt trip they're putting on you is probably partly because deep down they realize that if you leave they'll have to come to terms with the fact that they raised an unemployed 40 year old who drove her husband away. Reflects worse on her than it does on you at the end of the day. As far as dating goes. I'd make sure that the financial details surrounding your divorce are either ironed out or won't be affected at all before you start seeing other women openly. The pessimist in me worries that your wife might use the "look he's leaving to sleep with whores half my age... My kids can't be around that!" Routine if she gets really desperate. If that's not an issue than by all means go for it if you meet someone that interests you. Don't just date or try dating because your therapist says it's a good idea. When you're ready you're ready. Also understand that if you do meet someone you like, the environment you're currently in might be something they find uncomfortable (angry ex wife, legal battle going on... Just a lot that you may want to discuss and they just don't wanna deal with that so early on). Just a thought to keep in mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Want, should you go back to your W? Are you crazy? I'm pretty sure the wedding vows - albeit as sacred as they are - do not imply you are locked in til death do you part in matrimonial subserviency. "For Better or For Worse" should be punted out the back door. Please stop listening to the family or church banter. It's really none of their business. Your kids will be just fine. They will always have two parents that love them unconditionally. You'll have some messy stuff to deal with in the divorce process, patches of guilt, but once that subsides, a stronger you will emerge. I agree with Q on the dating. From what you've written you will be a fine catch for a great lady..when you are ready. And when that gal flashes you a smile, your self esteem will take off and soar. Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 I apologize for my reply in advance, but your wife needs a good slap across the face from a girlfriend. You sound like the ideal husband, most women.would.kill for , yet she is so unappreciative. My fear is if you divorce her, she will take half of everything you own. Have you sought legal advice from a lawyer? Also you might want to start putting your foot down and stop giving in to her demands. Bah I dunno. Reading this story annoyed me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author WantToJustBe Posted October 14, 2015 Author Share Posted October 14, 2015 Folks, Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate it. I'm extremely blessed in my life in many ways and this is just one of those challenges that I am dealing with but in the scheme of things, many people have it far worse than I do. This too shall pass and all will be well. I'm getting more confident every day. I'm glad I found this little corner of the web. I'll stay around and keep you updated and try and lend some support along the way to others. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Another question - So my counselor tells me that I should get out and date during the pendency of the divorce even if not final. why not, you not going to commit to anybody yet, just have some fun and help rebuild your self esteem. I actually discussed that with my soon to be ex and her opinion was that would be wrong. of course she would say No. JEALOUSY is normal is she still hoping you would get back together? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Another question - So my counselor tells me that I should get out and date during the pendency of the divorce even if not final. I actually discussed that with my soon to be ex and her opinion was that would be wrong. I hear of others doing it. Anyway, just curious what folks think about that. I've been separated for almost 18 months and it gets kinda lonely so I've debated doing just that so curious what folks think. It depends. If you already have somebody specific in mind or a connection already built with someone then go ahead and start seeing them. But if you have no one specific in mind, then entering into the dating game might scare you. It always sounds fun to talk about dating (i.e. Just get out and have some fun) but it's not like that really. It's work just like everything else, and you have to be prepared for it. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 18, 2015 Share Posted October 18, 2015 (edited) Dating is acceptable in most states once divorce papers are served. Some states have an Alienation of Affection law that lets your ex sue your new girlfriend. The main caveat is if you move in with your girlfriend and start paying expenses--the money used to pay these expenses is still by law half your wife's until the divorce is final and so these expenses are factored into your divorce settlement and the judge may award more money to your ex. Also, avoid having your GF in your wife's face. It's just unnecessary. Try to settle out of court. Watch the movie Divorce Corp. Edited October 18, 2015 by loveboid grammar Link to post Share on other sites
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