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The X and OW are getting married in the chapel at my children's school.


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This is the chapel where I'll be going for school functions.

 

My ex and I had our reception at the headmaster's house on the school property, and he is an alum (as was his father). His high school is an important part of his life.

 

I understand that he wants to have the OW there, but after the way he abandoned me for her, now it feels like he is trying to exclude me from places that will be important in my son's life too.

 

How the hell will I ever go there, knowing that the two of them are getting/have gotten married in that place.

 

And that their happiness has been bought at the destruction of our family?

 

My daughter has pointed out to her father that since he never goes to church or services it is tacky for him to have his second marriage in the church. She is also uncomfortable having memories of his marriage face her every time she goes to chapel.

 

What words can I find to make a shallow, self-centered, inconsiderate man understand that once again his actions are hurting the family he left behind?

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I went back and read some of your previous posts. It occurs to me that some of the pain you are experiencing is caused by the belief that your ex-husband is 'getting away with it'.

 

He won't. ;) Wherever he goes, he takes himself with him. It's inescapable.

 

The same character defects that made him a poor husband in his marriage with you will follow him into this new relationship. The new marriage will eventually sour, and he'll blame her, just like he blamed you. So, in time, she'll 'get hers' too.

 

Then, my dear, it will be your ex who has negative associations regarding the chapel. It's going to be the scene of the crime one day. There's really nothing you can do to stop him from utilizing it anyway. So, keep your serenity.

 

They say that living well is the best revenge. And let us not forget, that there is also Cosmic Justice. He's not going to be "getting away" with anything in the face of that. :eek:

 

In the meantime, why not take some time to feed your spirit? An exploration of your own religious / spiritual beliefs might help you bring order from all this chaos. It's hard to feel lonely or abandoned when you are in contact with your Higher Power.

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What words can I find to make a shallow, self-centered, inconsiderate man understand that once again his actions are hurting the family he left behind?

I think it is unlikely you will find any such words. The harder you push him not to have his wedding there, the more persistently he will resist you. You have no control over this action, or really any of his future actions. I would counsel you to accept his plan, possibly remind yourself of the reasons why he may be making this decision (because of his connection to the school), and also remind yourself that the chapel is not going to be permanently soiled because of his being married in it. If the wedding does in fact take place there, I would recommend crafting a desensitization program for yourself with respect to it. A counselor should be able to help you with this.

 

I would also caution you to avoid passing your anxieties and fears on to your daughter in this way. It sounds like you have been coaching her or reinforcing her in experiencing resentment and pain about her father's remarriage. Regardless of her father's flaws, it is not her place to instruct him on his wedding ceremony. Your ex's remarriage is a reality that all of you will have to face, regardless of where it occurs. Your best action as a loving mother is to help your children work through any pain they may be having.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi, I read your original posting about emotional v physical affairs and was very moved by your eloquent and profound story. Your pain is palpable and it particularly resonated with me at this time in my life. I am a 34-year-old male from Great Britain and have been married 8 years with a 2-year-old boy and another one on the way (due in April). I have a wonderful wife, nice house, a well-paid job and every reason in the world to be happy. My story: about 6 months ago a female co-worker suggested we have lunch as I had worked with her on some projects previously. I said why not, and we had lunch together in the staff restaurant and we talked about typical business stuff. There was nothing to it, and so every couple of weeks or so we would invite each other to lunch.

 

About 2 months ago she suggested we have lunch externally (a restaurant in the town where we work) and I, again, thought nothing of it, as I was aware she did lunch with other male co-workers and she had a steady boyfriend etc. However, when we had this particular lunch it gradually occurred to me that I really liked her and that I really enjoyed her company. Here was a woman who paid me so much attention (and she is very attractive) and the attention felt good. After this lunch the texting started and we would send messages to each other every other day. Suddenly I found myself infatuated with this woman and started behaving like a teenager with a crush.

 

I found myself thinking about her all the time and desperately waiting for her e-mails/texts etc. Some of texts were slightly suggestive and so were mine at this point.

Just before Xmas I asked her out to lunch again and, very unfortunately, tried it on with her. Thankfully she resisted and talked of the hurt and pain it would cause if we got up to anything (she knew my situation at home). I knew she was right, but subsequently spent the Xmas hols constantly thinking of her. I couldn't understand why I had become so obsessed with her and why I craved her attention like a drug addict would crave his next fix.

 

Also at this time I found myself unable to focus properly on my work and it was as if everything around me seemed surreal and part of someone else’s life. I now doubted that I loved my wife, and even started thinking about leaving her and doing anything to be with this other woman. I then plummeted in spirit and found myself overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety. I ended up tear stricken, explaining to my doctor how I wasn’t sleeping well, was tearful and wasn’t eating properly etc etc. She said that I needed anti-depressants and put me on a course (which I am still on). I then returned to work in January and tried so hard every day not to contact this woman, but ended up doing so despite my resolve. To be clear, this woman finds me attractive and good company, but doesn’t want us to be anything other than ‘good friends’ and she genuinely means this. My trouble is that every time I see her I end up back to square one and become infatuated with her all over again!!. So as a result of this I decided recently that the best thing I could do was to avoid all contact with her and focus on my marriage, rather than a colleague I hardly know!

 

Keen to establish what had gone wrong in my marriage I did some investigating and discovered that my situation was a classic ‘emotional affair’. My wife for some time had been so occupied with our son and her mother’s serious illness (now sorted) that my emotional needs were unmet. Put simply, my wife didn’t have the time or energy to sit and listen to me (something I need in a relationship and that we had discussed before). I had no idea how vulnerable I was to an affair and all the other woman did was listen (she has no kids, lives herself and obviously had no other distractions). This attention therefore met my emotional craving and bingo! I fell in love. That is what happened, unwittingly, and explains why I became so obsessed with her. There is a fantastic site called <URL removed> where I learned about emotional needs and read stories about men behaving just as I have done (you think you are unique and then you discover you are just like millions of others!).

 

My realisation of the situation I am in has made me determined to save my marriage and avoid all contact with this woman. My heart constantly objects and wants me to see the other woman, and it is a hard struggle every day to avoid contacting her. I know I have been selfish and have behaved badly and, lets be honest, had the other woman consented, I would have ended up in bed with her. I cannot justify what happened, but can learn from lesson it taught me. I believe that other men in my situation simply give up on their marriage and refuse to admit any blame for their actions. Anyway, I really feel for you and your post brought to life the utter destruction and horror that this behaviour brings to families. I pray you can find peace in your heart and can start to rebuild your life and be happy again.

 

God Bless

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