Dlucio1 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) Married 20 yrs. i really dont want to break up with my husband. I still love him, but dont know why? Since his emotional affair w his 1st gf for 3 mos back in 2012, things havent bn right between us. We r very distant and he has stopped wanting sex for sbout 2 yrs now. Hes very angry man who continues to neglect me and my needs. We do argue alot and he doesnt care if im around, says i make him nervous? Which hurts my feelings. He says i slways watch him all the time which is not true. He doesnt care to look at me in the eyes, communicate, and listen to the pain i have suffered and continue to because of his verbal abuse. I am heartbroken. He is violent when i am sround, says i dont do snything,and when i want to go talk to him, he is very defensive. My dream and i would die of shock if he were to ask me out on a date. Somthing he has nvr done. Ive always wanted the love snd attention he gave that other woman. It nvr happened. How can i afford a divorce? Our children r 14 & 20 and we own a home. All i wanted was his love and attention. It will nvr happen. I am 50 and have so much hate what he has done. I feel bad for my kids. Its my fsult for putting up with this all these yrs. its horrible everynight when i go to bed. He doesnt tough me. Its the worst thing ever. Idk how to start and afraid he eill get violent. The blame he tell me everyday hurts too. And he trlls me he is happy w his children and not me. Edited August 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 If he's violent you gotta go. Get a job. Get your kids jobs. Apply for assistance. Do something to protect yourself. If you want to improve communications & intimacy, look into marriage counseling, even if you only talk to your local pastor for free. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Read the tread on the top of the page. Critcal reading by yasunido. Study the 180. Live it. Become better than he could ever get, for you, not him.. Turn the tables. By Christmas he will turn or you will happily file. Its time to put a stop to this nonsense. Its "you" time. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Your first stop, presuming you listed your location accurately: https://www.saccourt.ca.gov/family/self-help-center.aspx Lots of people who live paycheck to paycheck, or don't even have a paycheck, get divorced so it's possible and simply a matter of learning the nuts and bolts. Since you have internet access and time available, well that's a start. Knowledge has value and power. If you want practical tips, ask. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I'm sorry for what you're going through. Not getting the love we need is an unbearable pain and one I know very well. I understand you're frightened about making a leap but at some point you have to decide what is more important; your well being both mentally and physically or staying in a marriage that will ultimately destroy you if it hasn't already. Living paycheck to paycheck is not unusual for most families in America. I used to work for an agency that helped save women and children from domestic violence. I've seen women with absolutely nothing and with the odds stacked against them leave their relationships and THRIVE! Don't dwell so much on the negatives and start shifting your thinking to what's possible. I agree with Carhill, knowledge is POWER! There are a number of places and programs that can help women in your situation. You deserve to be happy and more importantly, you deserve to be loved. Remember that. At the very least I would highly recommend a book that might help you. It's called "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Anniversary/dp/0805087001 Although the book speaks mainly to couples, there is a LOT of amazing information that individuals can take away from it. It might help you better identify some of the issues in your marriage and help you chart a path of discovery particularly with regards to what it is you really want and don't want out of this relationship or a new one. I've read it and it's definitely worth looking into. Hugs to you and good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Focus your attention for now on learning how to live on less. Sell old clothes at a resale shop and put the money into your own savings account. Go to garage sales and buy bargains and sell them online or at resale shops. Start getting creative with food and eating on less money; put the difference into that savings account. Downgrade your phone to a NON-smart phone; put the extra into that savings account. Only shop at resale shops or GoodWill shops. Stop eating out and put that money into the savings account. Look online for extra work you can do from home and put that money into your savings account. Offer to petsit or plant sit for people and put that money into your savings account. In other words, you CAN do it. You just have to make the decision. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 Look up info on your court website. If needed visit the help desk at the local courthouse. Usually there's a filing fee. If your kids are that age you listed then you can ask for child support and likely spousal support. Half all the assets should be considered yours if you live in CA. Ask for everything in the papers you file. Don't allow him to bully you. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) If you are in a DV situation it's NOT recommended you do MC with your husband. That often makes DV situations worse. I do recommend getting your own therapist though or find someone IRL you can use for support. It's common for the abuser to gaslight in these situations and make you doubt yourself. If you want to understand DV more I really recommend 'Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I also recommend doing a few attorney consults alone. Most do it for free. For me it was a shock but also comforting to know the worse case scenario with the divorce. CA is a community property state so assets usually get split 50/50. If you are married more than 10 years if you are the lower wage earner you can apply for lifetime alimony. I only had $2K in the bank when I divorced. It's tough but can be done. I had to give up my bug house but I found a small place that I could clean in an hour and loved how peaceful it felt without XH in the house. Do you have any friends and family who can help you IRL? Edited October 8, 2015 by Miss Peach Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 With a marriage that long you may be entitled to alimony in your state. And you get half the house most likely. I would look up divorce in your state online. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I believe Calif may have the papers online to print and fill out. It takes some time and knowledge of your expected monthly expenses. You need to have an idea of what assets you have separately and together. This includes any retirement accounts, life ins and investments. List them all. Be prepared by researching housing costs in your area. It will boil down to a compromise on both sides and what you're willing to "settle for". The first offer will always be low. Hold out for what's best for you and your kids. Do you work? Do you have an idea of what amount of money your H makes each year? Can you obtain copies of income tax for the past 3 years? Get those and hide them if you can! If possible - move money into your name only and start saving. Link to post Share on other sites
healingsoul Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Dlucio, I am very concerned about you. What kind of violence are you experiencing in your marriage? You have clearly explained emotional hurt and the fact that your husband had an affair already. Since he doesn't touch you or want to make eye contact with you, is it possible that he is hiding something from you? Have you and him ever seen a professional counselor? It definitely seems like you need to involve someone in helping you with your marriage that can make sure you are protected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dlucio1 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 This is really good info folks. Thx u. Our finances are separated now when i found out he was sending mondy to his ex. So he has bn very tight on his end now, expects me to pay for this n that. He makes more money and now he says hes broke all the time. Our agreement is he pays most of the bills and i pay half of the mortgage, sum utilities and all the groceries. But when i ask him a list and balances of ALL the bills he gets violently mad. He doest want to tell me. i cant communicate ever to him, he always turns around and now he has me now 1st time in 20 yrs wants me to maintain my own car and since i dont know anything about cars, i have to ask other ppl about maintaining my car. Hes done it all allthese yrs and sppreciate and like i said before it is sad how someone u knew for so long kicks u to the curb and treats u terrible because of an affair. I never knew this was going to happen to me. He told me he wanted to grow old w me, now he is someone else. I csnt believe it! Why not b truthful and want to go on w ur life is fine eith me. Communicate, be open, but instead the blaming, accusing im an awful wife, cursing, avoiding sex, violence,etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dlucio1 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Sorry for the terrible spelling. This phone sucks. Lol. Im a mess folks nonstop crying for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Find someone to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dlucio1 Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 I have an appointment w a professional. I cant deal no more. Im afraid to go home. He is verbally abusive. He will not touch me because i called the police last mos. he is afraid. He is threatening to sell the house and he will move out. Telling me nvr to bother him when he is gone. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Once you start seeing this from a distance, you'll be able to see that he is a piece of sh*t and you didn't deserve anything he did. And you'll get mad. And you'll get strong. And you'll wonder why you waited so long to get rid of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I have an appointment w a professional. I cant deal no more. Im afraid to go home. He is verbally abusive. He will not touch me because i called the police last mos. he is afraid. He is threatening to sell the house and he will move out. Telling me nvr to bother him when he is gone. Don't wait around until HE makes the first move to end things, YOU end it, fall apart and then rebuild your life on YOUR terms this time. There is tremendous power and pride when you can find your voice and take back control of your life. Therapy is the perfect place to start. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
healingsoul Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Don't wait around until HE makes the first move to end things, YOU end it, fall apart and then rebuild your life on YOUR terms this time. There is tremendous power and pride when you can find your voice and take back control of your life. Therapy is the perfect place to start. I am glad you are making an appointment and I agree with the above comment that “therapy is the perfect place to start.” No one deserves to be abused. You need a safe place to find healing and to see how beautiful you are. You will probably also need legal help and the person you made your appointment with should be able to help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dlucio1 Posted October 11, 2015 Author Share Posted October 11, 2015 I also made an appointment with my doctor now. Why is it embarrasing letting my doctor know im a victim of DV. I memtioned it awhile back and he has sent me letters for 2 yrs. omg my husband took my car keys and continues to b angry at me. Im just so tired of the violence, so i did something stupid. For him to leave me alone, for him to back off, i let him hear a msg from male gay friend telling me he loves me and said he will pay for my 1st session with a professional. This was a big mistake. This was on Friday and i do admit he has bn tremendously voilent and threatening since he heard that. Spitting all over the place in the house when he sees me. I just finally told him the truth that 1 was not having an affair, so now he has calmed down some. I know u all will admit that was stupid of me at my age, but idk what i was thinking? In fact i aint thinking straight now. By the way he left some paperwork in the garbage, looks like he has a financial advisor w/o telling me. Says i bn nosy and threatens to leave and sell the house. So i told him i held a check i gave him and he wont b able to cash it, because hes threatening to leave i told him i need all my money for my kids and i didnt care if the house rots. I guess it scared him cause from being violent to coming behind me putting his arms around me from behind hugging me made me go nuts!! I told him "You are bipolar and making me crazy!!!!!" Idk if he did this cause of the check i put on hold or the affair wasnt true. Anyway i realise on my part I HAVE a BIG MOUTH and rhat is something he cant stand. But now since i sm so tired of sll this, im finally turning the cheek and walking away. I just **** up andvput pride aside. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 meh, he's just following the Cycle of Abuse. Get your ducks in a row. If you need financial help, go to United Way (unitedway.org) and ask them to direct you to the right place. Please stop talking to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Go to a woman's shelter now - they will help you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Most Cali courts have a free legal services dept or something that will help you fill out the forms. If he gets violent after he gets served, you can file a TRO (temp restraining order) on him. He has to move out immediately once served the TRO. Cali is a no fault state. You can do a simple divorce for very cheap without a lawyer. Custody battles is what eats up the lawyer fees in most contentious divorces. The judge will order the house to be sold & you'll get 1/2 of any profits automatically. Hopefully it's not mortgaged too deeply or underwater. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dlucio1 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Share Posted October 17, 2015 Were not underwater. I'll look for a free divorce or low cost. He acted like he wanted to hit me today. He raised his hand, but he knows I'll call the police again. I pay half of the mortgage and one of the utilities and mostly all the groceries. I was told by a professional not to pay him anymore and spend that on the divorce. Husband so bad wants to sell. That's all he wants. Should I stop paying him? Would that b wrong and go against me in court? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Pay him for what? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 17, 2015 Share Posted October 17, 2015 Were not underwater. I'll look for a free divorce or low cost. He acted like he wanted to hit me today. He raised his hand, but he knows I'll call the police again. I pay half of the mortgage and one of the utilities and mostly all the groceries. I was told by a professional not to pay him anymore and spend that on the divorce. Husband so bad wants to sell. That's all he wants. Should I stop paying him? Would that b wrong and go against me in court? You need legal advice for these areas. Most attorneys will do a free one hour consult so you know where you stand and what you can expect. I'd see at least one - maybe three. You are providing info we can't help with. Not sure why you pay him but find out what your legal obligations are. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts