12 weeks NC feeling the need to break cover

[ralfgarnett]

Hi all, well 14 months apart now and 12 weeks total NC, after 20 years this is the longest period ever, but here's the burn, I still want her back and feel the need to smoke her out to see if we have any sort of chance in the future, I miss her like hell and I still love her and think I probably always will do, I just think that after such a long time its a shame that 2 people that shared so much and were so close and loving are apart and totally NC with each other, a bit of me wants to wait and see if she cracks first but I also realise this is real life and not a game, neither of us are getting any younger I am now early 50's and she mid 40's, any views anyone do I keep total NC and see if she cracks first or do I contact her and face further rejection ?, thanks all.

[DirtyBerty]

With big decisions like this you should try not to get too many opinions (in my opinion!).

 

I had a similar situation but it was after 4 weeks apart. I wanted to fight and fight and fight. I wanted to know I tried my hardest. Most of my friends said I shouldn't contact her as it would be a step backwards. A couple agreed with me and said I need to know that I've tried everything and tried my best.

 

In the end I wrote a long letter explaining why I was wrong on some things and what changes I'd make. It was (even thought I say so myself) a brilliant letter. Referenced the good times, explained a lot, really analysed our situation and where we went wrong. I sent the letter and the only response was she blocked me on what's app. I took that as a "no" to the letter.

 

I felt incredibly bad for an hour, then felt incredibly good for about 2 weeks afterwards. It gave me closure and I knew I had done all I could.

 

So essentially it's up to you what you do. If you want to feel like you tried, then maybe do something similar. If you don't, then don't. Every situation is different so what worked for me may not work for you. Sorry but with every decision just try and do what feels right. But I do think a letter helps you plan out everything you want to say. You can spend days getting it perfect too.

[turnera]

If a woman has been gone from you for 14 months, SHE IS DONE.

 

Women don't work the same way men do. They typically mentally latch onto one man (or none) and move forward. Once they're done, they're done. The ONLY time I've seen differently is many years later, once they have lived a different life without you and then realized the second life was no better.

 

You've only been not speaking to (chasing) her for 3 months. To try to 'smoke her out' so soon reads incredibly needy and NOT attractive.

 

What IS attractive? You moving on and filling your life with wonderful friends, fun times, great adventures, so that she hears about you and sees you out and about with your new friends, and then MAYBE she'll start to wonder what she threw away.

 

Plus, you didn't say why you broke up.

[chew123]

Ralf,

 

Good to hear from you. As you know we are on a similar timeline, the major difference being that my wife left me for her AP and you are still unsure why yours left.

 

I totally understand that you want to contact her. But if you do you will you probably only get further rejection or more confusion. Her actions(being gone for 14 months) speak way louder then any words she may say.

 

If I were you I would stay NC and continue moving on with your life. She knows how you feel she just does not care. She has shown you who she is. It is time to start letting go of who you thought she was.

 

chew

[Mr. Lucky]

any views anyone do I keep total NC and see if she cracks first or do I contact her and face further rejection ?, thanks all.

 

I have the feeling you're going to contact her regardless of what we say .

 

If that's the case, rather than send a detailed letter, I'd just ping her on social media. Something simple like "Hi, was thinking of you, thought I'd check in to see how you're doing...".

 

If she doesn't respond or blocks you, question has been answered. If you're already blocked, shouldn't even be asking the question. Hope you get some of the answers you're seeking...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bigman1]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but my dear GAWD, you really have to wake up!!!

 

I have gone thru and read your posts, not all, but most of the over 600 that you have. YOU, sir, need help. You said that you had over 20 "wonderful" years with your wife, in fact that was part of a thread title. Then later I read that your wife's break up message to you was that she had been unhappy for years!

 

Seriously, you have re-written your marriage to fit your perspective. Your wife has been gone for 14 months!!! You at one point talked about writing in some sort of template to cause her respond in a certain manner. Essentially, you were trying to figure out how to manipulate her. (I make no comment on the viability of such a plan, but...come on!) Still, the goal was to make her do your will, even if it was thru subconscious manipulation. Not good.

 

Your marriage was not "wonderful" for all involved. Your marriage is over. You are squarely in "unhealthy obsession" territory and have been for a while. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, WAKE UP. GET HELP.

 

You don't need marriage counseling, you don't need to lay it on the line to see where she stands, you don't have to make it clear where you stand. I used to prosecute stalkers, and I am not calling you one, but you are starting to say some of the same stuff. Obsessions, even those borne out of pain, hurt, loss, or love are still unhealthy. It does not end well for those involved.

 

I don't know what type of help you need, but you need some. Just because you love her, miss her, idealize her, or idealize your marriage does not mean that she has to wake up, come out of the fog, see the light or anything. Marriage takes two and she has told you, shown you, shown the world that she does not want to be married to you. PLEASE GET HELP.

 

You don't have to like that it is over. You do have to behave like it is.

[ralfgarnett]

With big decisions like this you should try not to get too many opinions (in my opinion!).

 

I had a similar situation but it was after 4 weeks apart. I wanted to fight and fight and fight. I wanted to know I tried my hardest. Most of my friends said I shouldn't contact her as it would be a step backwards. A couple agreed with me and said I need to know that I've tried everything and tried my best.

 

In the end I wrote a long letter explaining why I was wrong on some things and what changes I'd make. It was (even thought I say so myself) a brilliant letter. Referenced the good times, explained a lot, really analysed our situation and where we went wrong. I sent the letter and the only response was she blocked me on what's app. I took that as a "no" to the letter.

 

I felt incredibly bad for an hour, then felt incredibly good for about 2 weeks afterwards. It gave me closure and I knew I had done all I could.

 

So essentially it's up to you what you do. If you want to feel like you tried, then maybe do something similar. If you don't, then don't. Every situation is different so what worked for me may not work for you. Sorry but with every decision just try and do what feels right. But I do think a letter helps you plan out everything you want to say. You can spend days getting it perfect too.

 

Thanks for your reply mate I appreciate your in-put, I wont be writing her a letter due to artrithitis my hand writing is not the best these days so while I can think up pretty good prose the actual delivery of it wouldn't be that attractive I'm afraid but a good idea none the less.

[ralfgarnett]

If a woman has been gone from you for 14 months, SHE IS DONE.

 

Women don't work the same way men do. They typically mentally latch onto one man (or none) and move forward. Once they're done, they're done. The ONLY time I've seen differently is many years later, once they have lived a different life without you and then realized the second life was no better.

 

You've only been not speaking to (chasing) her for 3 months. To try to 'smoke her out' so soon reads incredibly needy and NOT attractive.

 

What IS attractive? You moving on and filling your life with wonderful friends, fun times, great adventures, so that she hears about you and sees you out and about with your new friends, and then MAYBE she'll start to wonder what she threw away.

 

Plus, you didn't say why you broke up.

 

The only problem here is that where I live there isn't much scope for filling your life with wonderful friends, fun times, great adventures these days, 20 years ago maybe but not now, the world is a very different place than when we me in 1995 and there are less people and opportunities for a 50 y/o bloke to impress and find great evenings out and I honestly think I could go out week after week and our paths would never cross, thanks for your reply and kind in-put, I have a full thread going it tells you all you need to know.

[ralfgarnett]

I have the feeling you're going to contact her regardless of what we say .

 

If that's the case, rather than send a detailed letter, I'd just ping her on social media. Something simple like "Hi, was thinking of you, thought I'd check in to see how you're doing...".

 

If she doesn't respond or blocks you, question has been answered. If you're already blocked, shouldn't even be asking the question. Hope you get some of the answers you're seeking...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Hi mate I am not certain about contacting her tbh, I am just back from a week away and feeling very down and desperate about the situation hence my thoughts about getting in touch, with regards SM as far as I can see she isn't on it any where well certainly not FB I have searched but found nothing any where, thank you also for your input.

[ralfgarnett]

Ralf,

 

Good to hear from you. As you know we are on a similar timeline, the major difference being that my wife left me for her AP and you are still unsure why yours left.

 

I totally understand that you want to contact her. But if you do you will you probably only get further rejection or more confusion. Her actions(being gone for 14 months) speak way louder then any words she may say.

 

If I were you I would stay NC and continue moving on with your life. She knows how you feel she just does not care. She has shown you who she is. It is time to start letting go of who you thought she was.

 

chew

 

Hi Chew, as you know I have been told reasons for leaving its up to me wether to accept them or not, according to her I am not the problem she is, I am really badly struggling to move on mate, my instinct is to continue NC and see where it takes us, the weird thing is that most of her gear is still here and she has made no efforts to collect it, I am still in love with the woman I married and spent 19 years with, I just still cant believe she has gone as I have done nothing wrong and my brain can't process that very well, also the other thing was that we were still meeting up 2/3 times a week until December then out of no where it just stopped, her decision not mine, Chew I don't know this new person, she is an alien to me and me being me still thinks in side is the real person and I want to bring that person back to the fore, thanks Chew it's been good of you to join in.

[ralfgarnett]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but my dear GAWD, you really have to wake up!!!

 

I have gone thru and read your posts, not all, but most of the over 600 that you have. YOU, sir, need help. You said that you had over 20 "wonderful" years with your wife, in fact that was part of a thread title. Then later I read that your wife's break up message to you was that she had been unhappy for years!

 

Seriously, you have re-written your marriage to fit your perspective. Your wife has been gone for 14 months!!! You at one point talked about writing in some sort of template to cause her respond in a certain manner. Essentially, you were trying to figure out how to manipulate her. (I make no comment on the viability of such a plan, but...come on!) Still, the goal was to make her do your will, even if it was thru subconscious manipulation. Not good.

 

Your marriage was not "wonderful" for all involved. Your marriage is over. You are squarely in "unhealthy obsession" territory and have been for a while. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, WAKE UP. GET HELP.

 

You don't need marriage counseling, you don't need to lay it on the line to see where she stands, you don't have to make it clear where you stand. I used to prosecute stalkers, and I am not calling you one, but you are starting to say some of the same stuff. Obsessions, even those borne out of pain, hurt, loss, or love are still unhealthy. It does not end well for those involved.

 

I don't know what type of help you need, but you need some. Just because you love her, miss her, idealize her, or idealize your marriage does not mean that she has to wake up, come out of the fog, see the light or anything. Marriage takes two and she has told you, shown you, shown the world that she does not want to be married to you. PLEASE GET HELP.

 

You don't have to like that it is over. You do have to behave like it is.

 

Hi mate, please can you give me examples of stalker activity ?, as that has scared me, you have correctly pointed out that I need help and I have done plenty to seek help with more to come, I am aware that my mental health has suffered because of this and I am on daily medication to cope, I have also had counselling with another referral in the pipeline, I have also asked for further help but I don't want to divulge that on here, my wife's final B/U message actually read that she had been unhappy for a long time not years that was a typo on my behalf, so I asked her when she first started feeling any level of unhappiness, the answer was after her dad died in 2012, not my fault and I did all I could to be a good husband to support her through and then beyond, we had been away a few weeks before bomb-day and had a great holiday, I asked her if she had been unhappy then because she seemed happy enough to me, and then when we got home too, we had her birthday, our wedding anniversary and all seemed ok and normal, she did not betray any hints of unhappiness or what was to come, the morning of the day she left she gave me a big kiss and told me how much she loved me.

 

 

One thing I do take issue with is the re-writing of our marriage that just isn't true, why would I be desperate to get back on track if we didn't have a happy marriage ?, I know it was good, it was caring, loving, gentle, non-abusive in any way, we were close and enjoyed spending time together, her leaving was a huge shock and still is, I agree about my plan to manipulate with whatever means I could back then, the reason simply was down to sheer desperation to get her back I would of tried almost anything back then as the pain was so severe now I just feel a deep sadness for what was, I know now it was not a good idea and I never pursued it and wont be pursuing it, however I can give you my word that during our relationship I would never of dreamt of any sort of manipulation, I didn't need to and I wouldn't of even thought about it, we simply existed in a very peaceful husband / wife co-existence, I still think to this day that she has suffered some kind of mental episode, potential breakdown, MLC etc.

 

 

As with all the other contributors I am very grateful for your in-put too, you have given me food for thought and a different slant on the situation, many thanks once again please feel free to come back to me.

[bigman1]

When I said "unhealthy obsession" and compared it to stalkers, please let me explain. I did not accuse you of stalking her. I said that the words and phrases that you are using are starting to sound similar.

 

First, everything was "wonderful" between you two. You were in love. You were totally satisfied. She, despite telling you clearly that she did not want to be married to you and also having said that she was not happy for "years" by your original post, is now confused, suffering from a MLC, not herself, not responding to your NC appropriately by breaking. Those are stalker-ish type ideas.

 

You see, for the person with the unhealthy obsession, they can't accept that it is over. All they need is "one more chance" or "one more conversation" or "one more....". They feel that they can convince the other person to come back. After all, the other person expressed that they loved or used to love the person with the unhealthy obsession. All that you hear is the love part. You don't really grasp the significance of the 14 month separation. You can't figure out why she is not reacting to NC by running back to you. It could not possibly be because she is happy and wants NC to continue. The thing is, she is happy with NC. You have to accept that. It is working out fine for her.

 

Let's use another translation of what you have posted to illustrate my point: Recall the saying, "If you love someone set them free and they will return if its meant to be" Well you are saying the following: " I loved her and let her go just like she asked. When she did not return, I went to get her and she said she never wanted to come back, so I let her go again. Now I have to go get her again because something is clearly wrong with her for not coming back." She's gone buddy. Sorry for your loss.

 

Finally, your are 50 years old. Dude, you act like the life expectancy where you live is 51. 50 is young. In a non creepy sort of way, you are eligible dating material to women as young as 35. In case you have not noticed, there are LOTS of eligible women looking for a non weird guy. You have to get a new mindset. Right now you still have faithful married man dick syndrome. You don't look at other women as prospects. Change that. You don't have to start banging women right away. No relationships. No comparisons to your former wife. Just new options to explore. Trust me, once your "little man" wakes up, you will start seeing opportunity not desolation.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Bigman your a very wise and witty man, and a lot in fact most of what you say makes infinite sense, must admit never been called weird before I always considered myself as a normal bloke with a great sense of humour and self respect, just goes to show how much this has all got to me mate, but just a couple of things, she said she never wants a divorce and we are still married, also she has never told me she doesn't love me, in fact I got the "my feelings are so strong for you I cant be round you right now" now thats weird, also both me and her mum suspect MLC or some kind of breakdown, you have to know what she does for a living but I suspected as much at least a few years ago and she herself has owned up to work and grief related depressive feelings, I don't accept at this moment it's totally over and I honestly feel as though there will be a few more twists and turns before this either ends for good or we re-connect somehow, but im not stalking her, ringing her, texting her, or mailing her and I haven't throughout, I have kept my dignity and respect where she is concerned, the only places I have vented are on forums like this and also to a few friends

[bigman1]

I went back an re-read what I wrote. I was not calling you weird. I was suggesting that as long as you are not weird, then there are SO many women who are looking for a "bloke" like you. As you describe yourself, you are a commodity.

 

I can't square your claim that she is telling you that, " my feelings are so strong for you I cant be round you right now". Given 14 months of separation plus her outstanding ability to "endure" NC with you, I feel pretty good that what she is saying is that because of the history that you all have had and her general love for you after 20 years of marriage, that she can't stand to see you suffering and in pain due to the marriage being over.

 

It is pretty clear that it is over. I don't think that she's heartless, so she doesn't want to see you suffer or be in pain. I thought that you wrote in one of your earlier posts that she told you pretty clearly that she wanted a divorce. To hear her say that she does not want one in light of 14 months of separation and NC, sounds like (1) she's doesn't have the heart to tell you to leave her alone or (2) you are hearing what you want to hear.

 

As they say, if you want to know what someone really means and wants, ignore what they say, look at what they do. In this case, 14 months and this unbelievable commitment to NC shows pretty clearly what she wants. The hardest part of breaking up with someone that you like, love even, is that there is no easy way to do it. Not all marriages end with insults and acrimony. Some end when one party says, "I love you, but I'm done". The take away is...She's done.

 

If you want to keep hope alive, okay. Not healthy, but if it keeps you going, well, I guess that's a good thing, so long as you don't intrude into her life.

[ralfgarnett]

We had no acrimony I the 19 years we lived together I'm not going to start now, neither will I intrude in her life I never have and never will do, is it over for good ?, who knows we are both still alive and walking around, I never expected she and I to be in this position so I suppose anything is possible, she said all along that she could never see her life without me in it and that gave me hope, maybe she is mulling over her options and maybe even her feelings but I don't know, I know for certain that she has recently emailed my best man 3 times asking how I am so what should I make of that ?, no she never ever said she wanted a D, she said she didn't ever want a D, she may change her mind I don't know but I know I wont be pursuing it with her right now, but what can she D me for ?, I haven't done anything wrong or to deserve a D, I agree about actions speaking louder than words but you have to also understand my WAW, a lot of what she says or does at the moment is about gestures so I don't read too much in to them, don't forget this isn't nice for her either, she has left a stable loving marriage and is camping out in a single room at her brothers house without most of her belongings which are still here, she no longer has that stability behind her, I know for certain she has been suffering from high levels of stress, panic attacks, hair loss, weight gain, and hormonal problems even to the point that she thinks she is definitely pre-menopause and is also having problems with her ovaries her cycle ha been all over the place for years now, so time will tell lets see what happens, I will keep everyone informed as something has to give somehow, sometime, meanwhile thanks again Bigman please keep your views coming if you can you make some interesting points and I appreciate that very much.

Edited October 7, 2015 by ralfgarnett

[Majormisstep]

Then something within her likely drove her to leave. She may not even fully comprehend what happened. But you will probably never know why. Best advice I can give (because I am in the exact same circumstance) is to start acting like a single person....as hard as it is. We are still locked in the married mindset and as long as we remain here, life will pass us by while we wait. And it will be all for not.

 

As my stbxh told me - time to move on.

[ralfgarnett]

Hi MMS, sorry you find yourself in this position too, you may well be correct in hat you say about her not fully knowing why she left, I do know it wasn't planned the sheer fact her stuff is still here proves that, with regards moving on well I don't know where to start really I thought it would always be the 2 of us until one of us was taken of course, I don't like being single one bit it really sucks, I did like being single 20 years ago but then I met her and I then enjoyed being in a couple again for over 19 years, I have tried all sorts of ways to get through to her but as far as I know not a lot has seeped in, I don't of course know what she secretly thinks as I cant read her mind, all I do know is that when we were meeting up post BU it felt perfectly natural as if we had never been apart, I know bigman will be right down my throat now but I don't fully believe this is what she really wants, we had a great life together and I miss all that and I reckon she must miss it too, but I have a theory that the one who leaves maintains their decision even if it is cutting them in half, this is justification of their actions of course in fake it till you break it mode, I just wish I could get through to her to see where her head is at, she agreed to meet up a few months ago to talk then pulled the plug on it which was disappointing, I don't know maybe it is over for good but there is a bit of me that thinks we aren't quite done yet and that I will get at least one more chance to try to win her back in to my life somehow, somewhere, I pray for that chance frequently and pray daily that we get the chance to reconcile one day, I truly 100% loved and cared for my wife she was my best friend too and I loved her company so much and I feel very very lost and lonely without her, I hope she misses me too and our 2 lovely kitties, but she isn't going to admit to that in a hurry.

[turnera]

she never ever said she wanted a D, she said she didn't ever want a D, she may change her mind I don't know but I know I wont be pursuing it with her right now, but what can she D me for ?, I haven't done anything wrong or to deserve a D,

She can divorce you for any reason she likes.

 

If you want to stay married, your best bet is to find out what that reason is. You can't combat something about which you are clueless.

[ralfgarnett]

She can divorce you for any reason she likes.

 

If you want to stay married, your best bet is to find out what that reason is. You can't combat something about which you are clueless.

 

How can I find out a reason for a divorce that hasn't been mentioned and isn't going to happen any time soon ?, what am I supposed to do, drop her a line and say hi I know your not thinking about D but if you were what reason would you give ?.

[turnera]

Oh ye of little faith, lol.

 

Start with reading this book: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Jr. Harley | 9780800719388 | Hardcover | Barnes & Noble

[bigman1]

, I have tried all sorts of ways to get through to her but as far as I know not a lot has seeped in, I don't of course know what she secretly thinks as I cant read her mind, ...

but I don't fully believe this is what she really wants, we had a great life together and I miss all that and I reckon she must miss it too,....

I just wish I could get through to her to see where her head is at, she agreed to meet up a few months ago to talk then pulled the plug...

a bit of me that thinks we aren't quite done yet and that I will get at least one more chance to try to win her back in to my life somehow, somewhere, ....

I hope she misses me too and our 2 lovely kitties, but she isn't going to admit to that in a hurry.

 

Above are the take away points from your post. ALL show that you are in unhealthy fixation mode. You are actually imaging thoughts for her. Read my prior points in this thread. You seemed to have done just what I said.

 

I had a friend like you. For nearly 20 years he would ask about this woman he tried to date. She rebuffed him, CLEARLY. Still, he pined away for her for nearly 20 years. Every conversation we'd have, EVERY FREAKING ONE, he would bring her up ask for updates on her and tell me how great they'd be as a couple. Nothing helped him, but time. He stopped bringing her up after 20 years! He stopped comparing other women to her after 20 years. He's single. Her kids are in college.

 

Sadly, for guys like you, reason, logic, facts, words, actions, or anything that contradicts your needed reality is rejected. Good luck to you. I see no need to keep posting on your thread. Go see a psychiatrist that has experience with stalkers and those with complex grief. I am not saying you are a stalker. I am saying that your words and reasoning show clear similarities to people with unhealthy fixations that have progressed to stalking. I'm serious and I don't mean it to insult or demean you. If they clear you, then great. Good luck.

[chew123]

Ralf,

 

I do know how you feel. It seems that if you could just say or do the one thing that she needs to hear that you could fix it and she would come back.

 

Unfortunately it does not seem like that is the case. She may be confused about what she wants in general, however she seems to be clear about the one thing she does not want and that seems to be you.

 

You only get one life, I know things aren't working out the way you wanted them to. But you need to get used to the fact that she may never come back. Once you get in that mindset it gets easier to move forward at least a little.

 

I was lucky, my ex made it clear she chose AP over me. But you know for a while I still thought if I behaved the right way I could win her back. It took quite a while but I finally realized why would I want to waste my time with a person who does not want me. Better to be alone.

 

You mention that her mom thinks it is an mlc. My inlaws still cannot believe it and think I should try to get her back. All of her friends that I talk to think she is crazy and will eventually want to come back. Nothing that anyone else thinks matters, my wife has made it clear that she is not coming back. Not by words but by actions. Unfortunately yours has also. I am at the point where I don't want her back and I am building a new life.

 

You need to join me. Come on man, we have given these women space in our heads long enough. Its time to kick them out.

 

I wish you only the best. 2016 is just around the corner. Let's make it a great year.

[ralfgarnett]

Oh ye of little faith, lol.

 

Start with reading this book: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Jr. Harley | 9780800719388 | Hardcover | Barnes & Noble

 

Thanks mate I appreciate the heads up, also apologies for my flippant reply, I know you meant well I was just having a bad day yesterday, to add insult to injury my boiler broke down and I have had no heating or hot water for 24 hours now.

[ralfgarnett]

Above are the take away points from your post. ALL show that you are in unhealthy fixation mode. You are actually imaging thoughts for her. Read my prior points in this thread. You seemed to have done just what I said.

 

I had a friend like you. For nearly 20 years he would ask about this woman he tried to date. She rebuffed him, CLEARLY. Still, he pined away for her for nearly 20 years. Every conversation we'd have, EVERY FREAKING ONE, he would bring her up ask for updates on her and tell me how great they'd be as a couple. Nothing helped him, but time. He stopped bringing her up after 20 years! He stopped comparing other women to her after 20 years. He's single. Her kids are in college.

 

Sadly, for guys like you, reason, logic, facts, words, actions, or anything that contradicts your needed reality is rejected. Good luck to you. I see no need to keep posting on your thread. Go see a psychiatrist that has experience with stalkers and those with complex grief. I am not saying you are a stalker. I am saying that your words and reasoning show clear similarities to people with unhealthy fixations that have progressed to stalking. I'm serious and I don't mean it to insult or demean you. If they clear you, then great. Good luck.

 

 

Wow bigman your scaring me now mate you don't mince your words do you ? lol, I was in counselling for a few months but not sure how much good it did me, that was grief related counselling I believe, I have also asked my GP for further practical help as I recognise things aren't right with me and i am still waiting for that referral to come through but i have another meds review on Monday with him and i will ask him about it again, i know your not insulting me in any way it's just scary to hear it from an obviously intelligent bloke like you, but just for the record i wouldn't dream of stalking anyone or harming anyone or anything in anyway its just not me i wouldn't harm a fly but you have got me thinking about unhealthy thinking i tried CBT to aid that but it didn't work with me, i think the big problem is my disbelief that she could do this to me after our time together and all that we shared with no obvious reason and with no pre-warning, i think i may still be in shock tbh even after this time almost like a sudden death, of course i know where she is staying but i would never dream of going round there it wouldn't be right and would be very unfair to put her on the spot like that, i never did weird stuff during our time together and i don't intend to start now, in my defence i don't think you can compare me to a friend that obsessed for 20 years, i am still hurting after 14 months i don't intend to be hurting this time next year I am allowed to grieve there are no time limits on that, i agree about fixation though and its not healthy and just not me and I am aware of it, when we lived together I didn't obsess about her I had no reason to, before i met her i had plenty of women dotted about and quite frankly didn't give a toss about anything or mostly anyone parents and friends aside, but i have never fixated about women i used to date, i just miss my wife and feel very sad about us being apart whats wrong with that ?, i was a very happy go lucky bloke with very few cares in the world 20 years ago, but i was happy when i met her and even happier when we became a couple, i still did my own thing but had a lovely fiancé too whom became my wife, i don't really know what more i can say, you have scared me a bit i must admit but maybe i need that outside observation, thanks for everything bigman and good luck to you too.

Edited October 8, 2015 by ralfgarnett

[ralfgarnett]

Ralf,

 

I do know how you feel. It seems that if you could just say or do the one thing that she needs to hear that you could fix it and she would come back.

 

Unfortunately it does not seem like that is the case. She may be confused about what she wants in general, however she seems to be clear about the one thing she does not want and that seems to be you.

 

You only get one life, I know things aren't working out the way you wanted them to. But you need to get used to the fact that she may never come back. Once you get in that mindset it gets easier to move forward at least a little.

 

I was lucky, my ex made it clear she chose AP over me. But you know for a while I still thought if I behaved the right way I could win her back. It took quite a while but I finally realized why would I want to waste my time with a person who does not want me. Better to be alone.

 

You mention that her mom thinks it is an mlc. My inlaws still cannot believe it and think I should try to get her back. All of her friends that I talk to think she is crazy and will eventually want to come back. Nothing that anyone else thinks matters, my wife has made it clear that she is not coming back. Not by words but by actions. Unfortunately yours has also. I am at the point where I don't want her back and I am building a new life.

 

You need to join me. Come on man, we have given these women space in our heads long enough. Its time to kick them out.

 

I wish you only the best. 2016 is just around the corner. Let's make it a great year.

 

 

Hi Chew thank you also for your latest reply, I am pleased your reaching acceptance and obviously I wish you every happiness mate, our 2 situations are different though, had my WAW had an affair yes it would of hurt like hell but I would of been a different Ralf, I cant even feel angry with her because all she has done is exercise her free will and live somewhere else without me, I have no say in that I don't own her and she could of upped and left anytime in the 19 years we were together but she didn't.

 

 

Yes her mum thought MLC and I still do but what we think makes no odds, its what she thinks that matters and right now she thinks she is better off without me in her life, yet again I might not like it but I have no say in it in anyway.

 

 

I am trying my best to live A life without her but as with you its not what I would of chosen or even expected but what can you do ?, I had a week away last week and will hopefully get away again before the end of the year, as you know it's just not easy when you are used to doing things as a couple, well you know better than me as I think you and your WW were together over 30 years ?, god only knows how you have coped with that but my god your a brave man Chew much braver than me.

 

With regards her not coming back well yes I think your right, but even if she did want to come back I wouldn't have her move back in, it would take a long time before that would happen, but there I go off in to dreamland again, I can almost feel our pal bigman assessing me from Georgia lol, obiooulsy I would love her back in my life but she would have to learn to communicate with me, had she done that in the first place this could of possibly been avoided but it is what it is as they say.

 

 

Your a good man Chew and so are bigman and turnera, and I wish you all the best too, but just one thing, please don't make me think of bloody xmas and NY just yet I fekking hate the festive period and dread it coming round each year, they are already putting adverts on TV here so ann, it gets so dreary, dark and cold here that I could easily hibernate until March then come out when the daffodils and tulips start poking through, it's not great here today tbh grey and chilly, had to order in a curry to warm myself up and of course I have no water for washing up so straight in the bin, cheers again mate all the best and hopefully speak again soon maybe.