Shae112 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I've been with my husband for 4 years and married for one. We have been separated since April and I ended up moving 2 hours away (back home) to give each other space from each other because we were fighting so much with no resolution. And to get re-enrolled in school. I came to realize that I had/have some issues I needed to work out I think I might have been depressed, I don't know how to effectively communicate my feelings with him, with anyone really. I am INCREDIBLY guarded, I am not vulnerable. I look at everything black and white. Self esteem issues, familial just a bunch of stuff I had to deal with. It was a ROUGH time for me. Of course I had thoughts of leaving but I wasn't until he told me if I wanted to, it was okay. I moved back home(to re-enroll in school too). I saw him a few times, the last time was in august for his b-day. Since I realized nothing changed I pulled away to give us both some space to breathe. Last week my husband told me that he was 100% over me and while he loves and cares about me, he doesn't "in that way" anymore, but he still wants to be friends (yayy for me, joking haha). I was crushed, I still love this man. So much. I asked him how did he know, he said he stopped thinking about me being with guys as much and just me in general, he just doesn't care so much. He told me that at this point he thinks there's too much hurt or "baggage" and that I've never had to fight for him and he's right about that(is that what he's asking me to do now?). I was fighting in my own way though. I knew I had issues that I needed to resolve and I was actually and still am seeing a therapist(it's helped so much). I asked him for a divorce and he came up with so many excuses as to why it's not needed. We have no assets to split up, there's nothing. We'd just have to sign the papers. What else got me was the day AFTER he told me these things he put a love song up about me on Facebook and tagged all our family and friends in it. We didn't argue and I certainly didn't beg him to stay with me, I just asked questions and tried the best way I could to keep composure (over texts btw, so elementary I know). I was honest and told him that I wasn't "over him though and I did tell him I couldn't believe he just gave up. That he can't do that to people when things get hard. And that was that. He definitely gives me TMI too, he told me that he's talking to a girl and he has been for a week and a half and he likes her. Then he's saying that he doesn't want to date anyone and doesn't have a sex drive. He doesn't just say this out the blue, he'll ask me how am I and I ask the same. I am still not being vulnerable with him. When he does ask I say I am doing good. I feel like he wants me to not be because when I said that he asked me an I really good or was I just saying it. He'll say stuff like "You know I only want you to be happy". And I mostly am until times like this when I overthink and and need answers haha. My therapist has been a Godsend too honestly. I am between a rock and a hard place because, I love my husband, I really do, so much. I am 100% prepared to restore my marriage if it's possible. We've had our issues and while he made mistakes, as did I. He is a wonderful person. We were best friends at one point. I do realize now and after talking to my therapist that I failed to make him feel like he was a priority in my life. I want to restore this, and I am going to try. I just don't know how at this crossroads. I am also realistic, I know it could not work out. I just know I will regret never trying. For the first time in my life, I am trying to put my ego and pride aside. I was told to do "No Contact" to make him miss me, but he's already learned how to live without me. I made that easy. I just don't know how to deal with the indifference from such a long distance. We text, and we are friendly, really friendly. He actually wants me to help him out with his hair and come to his performance, which would include him coming here and me going there. It's weird I know. He asked me before and I said yes so he didn't just come up with an excuse to text me although sometimes he does but sometimes he doesn't even text back for a few days. It's like he can't go a full week without talking to me. At this point, what can I do? If anything. Some grand gesture? Or do I just sit him down and lay it all out for him? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 It seems you've driven him away and built a wall around yourself to me sure he stays put. Now you're waiting passively for him to close the gap and climb the wall, not a recipe for success. What do you have to lose by speaking plainly and honestly with him? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shae112 Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 Mr. Lucky, Thanks for your reply! At this point, nothing. My problem is, I like taking calculated risk, that typically lean in my favor and since it seems like it isn't leaning in my favor I'm afraid to take it. I am becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of just meeting up with him and sitting him down and being honest with him. ' My main fear is rejection honestly, but I've gotten much more comfortable with that because then at least I'll know and I can say I'm trying. I just don't want my timing to be off. Like, is it too soon? Should I wait and just continue talking to him, for him to see the change and then try? I'm overthinking it I know, but that's what I do haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 If you wait you run the risk of his full involvement with someone else. Since you're already separated doesn't seem to be much downside in meeting now. By over-thinking things, you run the risk of failing to project your real feelings, wants and needs. Speak slowly, simply and from the heart. Forget calculations, percentages and risk, just be yourself. Can't guess how he'll respond but I'll bet he'll at least listen... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I like taking calculated risk, that typically lean in my favor and since it seems like it isn't leaning in my favor I'm afraid to take it. Are you talking about a stock market investment, or a marriage? I would recommend you become more emotionally re-attached. You can't weigh up the odds in these matters of the heart. An open an honest discussion always works out better than if you're trying to "win". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Think of it like this. 1) You open up, become vulnerable to him, and risk possible rejection but also have the possibility of reconciliation. If he rejects you, you feel emotional pain, but at least have the peace of knowing you did all you could to save the marriage. or 2) You continue as you are, you permanently lose him, you hate yourself for not taking taking the risk and you wonder what might have been, and you feel the emotional pain anyways. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 (edited) OP, if your meeting with him sounds anythink like your post, forget it. Talk about a emotionless Besides not only did you leave him and move hours away, you enrolled in school. Sounds kind of permanent to him I will bet. No wonder he is 100% over you. What is there really in it for him? From your post, it looks like possession type love. Now that he is 100% gone, you want him back. If thats the best you got, a calculated response, no vulnerability, Expect a.beautiful flower to come along and say hi to him. You stand no chance. Try again without the math Edited October 3, 2015 by 66Charger Link to post Share on other sites
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