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Feeling weird about XW remarrying


ChicagoSparty

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We've been separated for 5 years, and divorced for 2. We have 3 kids (9,7,5). They've been together for a little over 2 years, and started dating right after he finalized his divorce and right before we finalized ours. He also has 3 kids, the same age (50/50 custody).

 

To get this out of the way, I don't give a crap about their relationship. He's a good guy, and I haven't loved my wife for...well, most of the time we were together. There's no jealousy, there are no residual feelings, and it's a good thing she found somebody who can take care of her, because she definitely can't take care of herself (still lives back w/her parents, hasn't worked in years).

 

But this last weekend when I had my kids, they said 'mom and Steve are engaged now'. No shock, and at the time, I didn't even think about it.

 

However, now I'm starting to struggle a bit. Mainly the replacement issue, with him officially being 'dad' now. It's very weird. All of a sudden, I've been hit with all of these feelings of inadequacy, feelings that I have missed the bus on being a dad, and now a 'dad' who will be there all the time is going to be the parent that I'm not....or, more accurately, can't be.

 

It just feels really unfair. It's hard for me to feel good about some random dude getting to have my kids 98% of the time. So many of their stories and memories are of being with him and doing stuff with him.

 

I don't know. Am I just being a baby? Is this a normal thing to feel? How have you dads or moms dealt with a new person assuming your role?

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Yes, you're being a baby. Marriage is just a (legally binding) piece of paper between your ex and Steve. It will not make you any less of a dad to your kids, nor him any more. You aren't giving up any parental rights/responsibilities due to their marriage, after all.

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Yes, you're being a baby. Marriage is just a (legally binding) piece of paper between your ex and Steve. It will not make you any less of a dad to your kids, nor him any more. You aren't giving up any parental rights/responsibilities due to their marriage, after all.

 

I understand that. I'm not that dumb.

 

What I'm wondering is how people manage that situation. I see my kids for a few days here and there. He will be with them the rest of the time. They have football games or recitals, he's the dad that gets to be there for those things. He gets to raise them.

 

Its hard to sit there and soend the time we have together constantly listening to stories about all the fun/cool stuff they do with Steve.

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DivorcedDad123

Why can't you be at football games and recitals? Those are public places.

I go to every practice and game of my kids. I go on field trips with them,have lunch at school with them,go to their plays,etc.,, Even though those may not be on "my time", I'm there. You take advantage of every opportunity to be involved.

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Why would this guy be with your kids 98% of the time?

 

 

If that's the case then get at least 50% custody time with them.

 

I live 4 hours away. Can't do 50/50

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I felt the same way. Normal or not, baby-ish or not, I felt it.

 

And though I didn’t realize it at the time, my fear of being replaced led me to enter the worst the relationship of my life. Don’t do what I did.

 

People told me that no one would or could ever replace me in my children’s hearts. I doubted it, but they were right.

 

No one will or could EVER replace you in your children’s hearts. EVER.

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DivorcedDad123

Start looking for jobs closer to your kids and move. That's really the only option you have if you want to stay in their lives more than the status quo.

Jobs are temporary and you mean nothing to your employer. Kids are foerever and you're everything to them.

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Start looking for jobs closer to your kids and move. That's really the only option you have if you want to stay in their lives more than the status quo.

Jobs are temporary and you mean nothing to your employer. Kids are foerever and you're everything to them.

 

They live outside of a small town where there are literally no jobs. I mean, I could get a job at a gas station or something. Even if I got a teaching position there (none available anywhere near them), it would be for 1/2 of what I make now. Not to mention, I own a business here as well.

 

Realistically, best case scenario, I would make 1/4 of what I now make. And even with 50/50, because she doesn't work, I would still have to pay CS. I can't remember the exact percentage, but it was something like 15%.

 

Trust me....I've looked at moving back there 1000 times. I doubt I would even be able to afford a 3 bedroom apartment there on what I would make...unless I was in a totally trashy neighborhood.

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They live outside of a small town where there are literally no jobs. I mean, I could get a job at a gas station or something. Even if I got a teaching position there (none available anywhere near them), it would be for 1/2 of what I make now. Not to mention, I own a business here as well.

 

Realistically, best case scenario, I would make 1/4 of what I now make. And even with 50/50, because she doesn't work, I would still have to pay CS. I can't remember the exact percentage, but it was something like 15%.

 

Trust me....I've looked at moving back there 1000 times. I doubt I would even be able to afford a 3 bedroom apartment there on what I would make...unless I was in a totally trashy neighborhood.

 

So money becomes the priority over being with your kids?

 

What message does that send them?

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I see nothing wrong with Sparty’s career choices. Many people work away from their families, including soldiers and sailors.

 

My exH moved away for career opportunities and his (our) kids still love him and have relationships with him. He was about 4 hours away too. When he was offered the opportunity to move for a promotion while they were minors I encouraged him to do so because I believe that taking opportunities for a challenging and happy life is important. As a result, our children have also taken risks, moved great distances and grabbed brass rings in their lives- and I’m glad they have. There are phones, email, skype and planes, trains and automobiles.

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So money becomes the priority over being with your kids?

 

What message does that send them?

 

Well, first of all, I didn't move away from them. My ex took the kids and moved home. I was asleep at the wheel from a legal standpoint when we separated, aided by the fact that she kept saying she was coming back. So, not much I can do about it at this point.

 

Secondly, we're not talking about making 15-20% less living there. We're talking financial suicide. We're talking everybody losing out. There's a big picture here. Unfortunately, in life, money is a necessity. Sad but true.

 

I could move back there and make hardly any money. But I would see my kids more, so it would be worth it, right? I largely agree with that. The problem is, why about after the kids get older? After they move on? Then what do I have? And what do they have? I've worked really hard in my life, on my dime entirely, to get where I am and have the opportunities I have. And you know what? If it were just a matter of, hunker down while they're kids and then regroup after, I would do that. But that's not a realistic option. I can't start over at 50+yrs of age and expect to have any kind of earning potential.

 

So.....moving back there means I'm signing up to be poor for life.

 

That doesn't help my kids either. As it stands, they get to go to camps, they get to go on trips, they get to do all kinds of extra-curricular stuff. When they go to college, they won't be limited as to where they can go. They will have opportunities. If I'm making $40k/yr, how much would I be able to pay for school? Hardly anything. And their mom and step-dad aren't footing the bill....their mom hasn't worked since 2004.

 

This is a matter of practicality and the long-term big picture.

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You aren't being a baby. This is a truly sad situation. It is a loss of time with loved ones, which is very precious and you'll never get back.

 

I would just continue to talk to your kids. Thankfully in this day and age we can communicate often and cheaply electronically. Listen to their stories, take mental notes of what is important to them, and show that you're listening by making gestures of love out of what they tell you.

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Well, first of all, I didn't move away from them. My ex took the kids and moved home. I was asleep at the wheel from a legal standpoint when we separated, aided by the fact that she kept saying she was coming back. So, not much I can do about it at this point.

 

Secondly, we're not talking about making 15-20% less living there. We're talking financial suicide. We're talking everybody losing out. There's a big picture here. Unfortunately, in life, money is a necessity. Sad but true.

 

I could move back there and make hardly any money. But I would see my kids more, so it would be worth it, right? I largely agree with that. The problem is, why about after the kids get older? After they move on? Then what do I have? And what do they have? I've worked really hard in my life, on my dime entirely, to get where I am and have the opportunities I have. And you know what? If it were just a matter of, hunker down while they're kids and then regroup after, I would do that. But that's not a realistic option. I can't start over at 50+yrs of age and expect to have any kind of earning potential.

 

So.....moving back there means I'm signing up to be poor for life.

 

That doesn't help my kids either. As it stands, they get to go to camps, they get to go on trips, they get to do all kinds of extra-curricular stuff. When they go to college, they won't be limited as to where they can go. They will have opportunities. If I'm making $40k/yr, how much would I be able to pay for school? Hardly anything. And their mom and step-dad aren't footing the bill....their mom hasn't worked since 2004.

 

This is a matter of practicality and the long-term big picture.

 

 

Then you accept that another man will be their Father figure for them - while you live four hours away to earn money.

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Then you accept that another man will be their Father figure for them - while you live four hours away to earn money.

 

This comment is not all judgmental.

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Trust me....I've looked at moving back there 1000 times. I doubt I would even be able to afford a 3 bedroom apartment there on what I would make...unless I was in a totally trashy neighborhood.

 

Can you split the difference?

 

After I got divorced my exW moved 2 1/2 hours away. My situation was similar to yours - business owner, no job prospects her area - so I split the difference and moved halfway. The 75 mile one-way commute was no fun (45,000 miles a year on my car!) but I was much more involved in my son's life than I otherwise might have been.

 

Someone else can only take over the "dad" job if you vacate the position...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Can you explore options?

 

Like, if you are a teacher/professor - can you do remote classes? They have colleges and courses where students log on to have "class time" by way of their computer - as a group...?

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Splitting the difference at 4hrs apart would be brutal. That would be 4hrs a day of commuting, and 4 hrs of driving to see the kids.

 

The one thing I can do...which I've been working toward putting together...is having a summer place closer to them. The way the numbers work out, it would cost the same to get a cottage on a lake closer to them and have a smaller place here in the city as it would to have a place here that could house 3 kids. A small place in the city is fine for their weekend trips.

 

The only hang-up is my business. It's not something where I can be away for more than a week here and there. So, I've....ugh....worked on partnering up so that I can shift my role away from day to day and come in for consultations/projects. That would allow me to do summers and trips with the kids.

 

But until that all gets worked out, it is the way it is now.

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I felt the same way. Normal or not, baby-ish or not, I felt it.

 

And though I didn’t realize it at the time, my fear of being replaced led me to enter the worst the relationship of my life. Don’t do what I did.

 

People told me that no one would or could ever replace me in my children’s hearts. I doubted it, but they were right.

 

No one will or could EVER replace you in your children’s hearts. EVER.

 

Yeah....I know that intellectually. But it doesn't really feel that way in my heart.

 

Here's an example of feeling a little bit robbed. I love fishing. My kids REALLY love fishing. It's one of those things we do almost every time we're together (well...they fish, I guide). Anyway, they're totally into it. Now, I have a passion for fly fishing. I've been doing it since I was 9. I've worked with the kids to teach them how to cast, and they've gotten into it.

 

Well, my middle son just had a birthday, and Steve bought him a fly fishing set-up. I mean, it's fine and a nice thing to do, but Steve doesn't fly fish at all. So, it's something that I wanted to get for him, and it would have meaning because of the connection. Instead, some guy just goes out and buys him one. I know it's just a little thing, and I know that I'm going to be the one to teach him how to do it. But it feels like I got cut out of it.

 

It's just a lot of little stuff like that. I feel like the guy is pushing into my space.

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Fishing with dad will always be special, regardless of whoever else helps them fish.

 

More people to love them is better than fewer. Love multiplies.

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OP you will always be your kids NUMBER 1 dad as long as you are there for them. The best this other guy can be is their step dad. No worries.

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The one thing I can do...which I've been working toward putting together...is having a summer place closer to them. The way the numbers work out, it would cost the same to get a cottage on a lake closer to them and have a smaller place here in the city as it would to have a place here that could house 3 kids. A small place in the city is fine for their weekend trips.

 

The only hang-up is my business. It's not something where I can be away for more than a week here and there. So, I've....ugh....worked on partnering up so that I can shift my role away from day to day and come in for consultations/projects. That would allow me to do summers and trips with the kids.

 

But until that all gets worked out, it is the way it is now.

 

Glad to hear you're exploring options. I've got a divorced buddy who's son is 1000 miles away, fortunately in a major city. Not a rich guy but he flies there twice a month to spend time with him, making other budgetary sacrifices like 8 year old car, no vacations, etc.

 

Is occasional air travel a possibility?

 

Mr. Lucky

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I think the lake house idea is a great idea. And there's train service to Union Station. I commuted a bit on the train and worked along the way. A nice middle ground.

 

Yeah....I know that intellectually. But it doesn't really feel that way in my heart.

Here's an example of feeling a little bit robbed. I love fishing. My kids REALLY love fishing. It's one of those things we do almost every time we're together (well...they fish, I guide). Anyway, they're totally into it. Now, I have a passion for fly fishing. I've been doing it since I was 9. I've worked with the kids to teach them how to cast, and they've gotten into it.

 

Well, my middle son just had a birthday, and Steve bought him a fly fishing set-up. I mean, it's fine and a nice thing to do, but Steve doesn't fly fish at all. So, it's something that I wanted to get for him, and it would have meaning because of the connection. Instead, some guy just goes out and buys him one. I know it's just a little thing, and I know that I'm going to be the one to teach him how to do it. But it feels like I got cut out of it.

 

It's just a lot of little stuff like that. I feel like the guy is pushing into my space.

 

No, it doesn’t feel that way. It stings. Little things will sting.

 

I was thinking about this this afternoon. As I said, my exH wasn’t around much when our kids were young and after we divorced, he moved. So, we had this idea I wanted to tell you about. He had gajillions of frequent flyer miles. He missed the kids so much. So, he decided to go on vacation with each of them, alone, just dad and that one child, to any place in the world they chose for one week. No mom, siblings, friends. Just dad and kid. The oldest chose the first summer, London. The next chose the next summer, Paris. About ages 8-11 is ideal, imo. Now my kids are in their 20’s. Those one-week trips they each had alone with their dad were fantastic for both of them. They came home with oodles of pictures and stories and fiascos and memories and really cemented and deepened their knowledge and understanding of each other, dad and kid. Just a thought. My kids will never forget those trips.

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I think the lake house idea is a great idea. And there's train service to Union Station. I commuted a bit on the train and worked along the way. A nice middle ground.

 

 

 

No, it doesn’t feel that way. It stings. Little things will sting.

 

I was thinking about this this afternoon. As I said, my exH wasn’t around much when our kids were young and after we divorced, he moved. So, we had this idea I wanted to tell you about. He had gajillions of frequent flyer miles. He missed the kids so much. So, he decided to go on vacation with each of them, alone, just dad and that one child, to any place in the world they chose for one week. No mom, siblings, friends. Just dad and kid. The oldest chose the first summer, London. The next chose the next summer, Paris. About ages 8-11 is ideal, imo. Now my kids are in their 20’s. Those one-week trips they each had alone with their dad were fantastic for both of them. They came home with oodles of pictures and stories and fiascos and memories and really cemented and deepened their knowledge and understanding of each other, dad and kid. Just a thought. My kids will never forget those trips.

 

That's awesome. I would love to be able to have that much one-on-one time with them. Someday, when there's more free time.

 

I used to take the Amtrak back there. It's not bad, because it's a short train ride to US for me, and it's super cheap. They have a stop not too far from where they live. The only problem with that is that I don't have a car or place to stay once there. That's why I eventually abandoned that.

 

As it is, I mean, I see them as often as possible. Usually a few times a month, but sometimes only for a day. And they're close enough that if there is an important event, I drive back. For instance, there's a father/daughter dance every year, and I drive back for that. Or, first day of school...I always drop them off, meet their teachers, etc. I try not to miss that stuff. And we do talk every night, so the communication is there.

 

But I get really bummed that I just miss out on the casual day-to-day stuff. When we get together, it's have fun or die trying. I don't know what it's like to get up with them on a Saturday morning and just have them playing while I drink coffee.

 

And I get bummed that so many of the things I would love to do with them, they're doing with somebody else. I know in my head that it's great for the kids to have that, but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on their childhoods. It's hard to shut the heart off.

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And I get bummed that so many of the things I would love to do with them, they're doing with somebody else. I know in my head that it's great for the kids to have that, but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on their childhoods. It's hard to shut the heart off.

 

Never shut your heart off. Just do what you can to see them as much as possible.

 

Do you get them for summers and holidays? Some of my kids' friends travel cross-country on summers and holidays to be with the other parent and possibly other siblings. It's just life for many families.

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