cretana Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I am looking to initiate divorce proceedings with my husband of 18 years. We had a solid and loving marriage and then 4 years ago he had to have emergency brain surgery and consequently suffered a massive stroke and seizure. He does not remember that we were married, that we had three children, any of it. Many days, he is not even sure of who I am. I am his caregiver, meaning: catheter changes, *****ty diapers, feeding, sporadic psychosis, medications etc. He has necrosis of the brain, so he will not be getting better. I would liken it to being married to someone with moderate Alzheimer's. We are 41. I am looking to divorce and move forward with my life. He needs placement in a nursing home at this point. I am not looking to dump him somewhere and wash my hands of it, I am looking to get him situated so that he can receive the best possible care. He was a good man and a lousy thing happened to him, which is why I stayed on as his caregiver for so long. Nonetheless, the time has come. I am hoping some others have experience with Divorce and Disability. I am trying to gauge if it is better to pursue a Divorce attorney, Elder/Disabled Law attorney or what. Anyone with experience out there? Link to post Share on other sites
SadHeart79 Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 What ever happened to the vows you made to each other? For better, for worse, in sickness and in health? Put yourself in his shoes, would you like your lifelong partner to divorce you just because a horrible thing had happened to you? Believe me, I know how hard it is to be a carer, I cared for my Mother who had a stroke and my brother who was confined to a wheelchair. I guess what I'm saying is don't give up on your husband, don't throw your marriage away. If you can get him into a care facility, then yes it will improve your relationship with each other, you can get back to being his wife and not just his caregiver. I just think he would be really devastated to go through a divorce on top of everything else he has had to go through with his health... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 IME, his incompetentcy will be the pivotal issue. He'll probably need a guardian and/or conservator to manage his affairs and retain counsel for him to represent him in a lawsuit to dissolve the marriage as well as to ensure adequate care in his future affairs. Tough situation. In my case I didn't care for a spouse I cared for a parent and had to spend some time in court to do the legal things to do that. However I can empathize and the process affected my ex wife enough that it poisoned the marriage. I probably contact an attorney who is familiar with mental illness and care issues surrounding that and they can bring in specialist to address the particular legal issues relevant to your case. The major obstacle maybe your ability to retain that type of legal counsel as it is not cheap. As example, to put together a court appearance and handle one aspect of a trustee situation relevant competence it cost me about 5 grand. Another option to look at is bringing in professional care and remaining married in the legal sense but going on and living your life in a way that's healthy for you. You may find that crunching the numbers on that deal may work out better for both of you depending on your particular situation. My sympathies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cretana Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 What ever happened to the vows you made to each other? For better, for worse, in sickness and in health? Put yourself in his shoes, would you like your lifelong partner to divorce you just because a horrible thing had happened to you? Believe me, I know how hard it is to be a carer, I cared for my Mother who had a stroke and my brother who was confined to a wheelchair. I guess what I'm saying is don't give up on your husband, don't throw your marriage away. If you can get him into a care facility, then yes it will improve your relationship with each other, you can get back to being his wife and not just his caregiver. I just think he would be really devastated to go through a divorce on top of everything else he has had to go through with his health... I am simply looking for legal advice, not validation. Save the for better or for worse, I continue to care for him and make sure that he is medically stable. This is not as cut and dry. We are taking about mental incapacitation here, and like Alzheimers, he could live in a near vegetative state for 10 years or more. Go judge else where. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cretana Posted September 28, 2015 Author Share Posted September 28, 2015 IME, his incompetentcy will be the pivotal issue. He'll probably need a guardian and/or conservator to manage his affairs and retain counsel for him to represent him in a lawsuit to dissolve the marriage as well as to ensure adequate care in his future affairs. Tough situation. In my case I didn't care for a spouse I cared for a parent and had to spend some time in court to do the legal things to do that. However I can empathize and the process affected my ex wife enough that it poisoned the marriage. I probably contact an attorney who is familiar with mental illness and care issues surrounding that and they can bring in specialist to address the particular legal issues relevant to your case. The major obstacle maybe your ability to retain that type of legal counsel as it is not cheap. As example, to put together a court appearance and handle one aspect of a trustee situation relevant competence it cost me about 5 grand. Another option to look at is bringing in professional care and remaining married in the legal sense but going on and living your life in a way that's healthy for you. You may find that crunching the numbers on that deal may work out better for both of you depending on your particular situation. My sympathies. Thanks. That is the route I have thought would make the most sense. I would remain the Payee and Medical POA/POA. Sadly, divorce impoverishes the disabled spouse, and that equates to better benefits and care for the disabled. Such is life under the US healthcare system. I didn't know if if it made more sense to see a divorce attorney or Elder atty first. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 I am hoping some others have experience with Divorce and Disability. I am trying to gauge if it is better to pursue a Divorce attorney, Elder/Disabled Law attorney or what. Anyone with experience out there? Talk to both. I'd start with the elder law/disability attorney or specialist. Maybe probate attorney with experience in guardianship and conservatorship. Ask what the financial requirements/qualifications are for his placement, assess the cost to the community/marital estate of the different options, who would be responsible for his care if you divorced, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 What ever happened to the vows you made to each other? For better, for worse, in sickness and in health? Put yourself in his shoes, would you like your lifelong partner to divorce you just because a horrible thing had happened to you? Yes. It's an agreement my H and I have come to, on our own. Believe me, I know how hard it is to be a carer, I cared for my Mother who had a stroke and my brother who was confined to a wheelchair. Well it's almost unheard of for a relative to divorce another one. This was family. The OP's situation is different. I guess what I'm saying is don't give up on your husband, don't throw your marriage away. If you can get him into a care facility, then yes it will improve your relationship with each other, you can get back to being his wife and not just his caregiver. I just think he would be really devastated to go through a divorce on top of everything else he has had to go through with his health... If you read the post PROPERLY - you'll see he's in no fit mental state to do anything about it. He doesn't even know it's happening. He has a degenerative condition of the brain. This is one thing he will never be conscious or aware of. He is in fact, no longer "her husband". Little reason, tragically, for the OP to continue being his wife. cretana, I can give no insight or counsel regarding your legal standing; others have offered that. You have (as if it's any use to you) my Compassion and moral support. I wish you well. Much Metta to both you and your husband. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SadHeart79 Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 I am simply looking for legal advice, not validation. Save the for better or for worse, I continue to care for him and make sure that he is medically stable. This is not as cut and dry. We are taking about mental incapacitation here, and like Alzheimers, he could live in a near vegetative state for 10 years or more. Go judge else where. I was not judging at all, simply agreeing that a care facility would probably be best for the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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