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Married 20 yrs and 2 kids 14, 18. Wife has depression/OCD and wants to live the life her mother does( don't go out, blinds drawn so room dark, etc..)

 

Ive seen 3 psychiatrists/ therapists over this, and have read up, so I am educated on the topic. I there is a school function, we sometimes go, but nothing outside of that. We do not go out to dinner, when we get invited to something I go alone, or we don't go at all. I've earned my company reward trip for 4 yrs running, and went once by myself. It was so uncomfortable I made up an excuse to not go on the next 3.

 

She does not work, but manages the kids homework/ college application process. We belong to a very nice club, she never uses the it for pool, tennis, lunch, anything. The OCD creates anxiety that she is a helicopter parent second to none ( even simple things, if I leave the house to pick up daughter 10 minutes away, she will call or text her to make sure I got her). Our kids have no issues, finances are good, pretty fortunate overall.

 

She snores badly, often from drinking wine after watching late night tv ( empowered by a nap). Does not take of herself at all, and I go early to the gym about 3 times a wk. ( get there 530 am most of the time). I use to try to get her to work out, she has more time that me, but have given up. We are in our later 40s. She sleeps in another bedroom now for about 6 months ( b/c of snoring) but no sex was being missed (been at least two yrs).

 

I do well at work, live in a large mid Atlantic metro area, and am confident I have the appearance and personality to meet a nice woman. I understand the divorce process, spoken to an attorney, looked at appts, but when it comes to pulling the trigger, I get anxious about it, very much so at night. I have an apartment in mind that I like, and have literally walk through 4 times hoping something would push me over the time and I sign a lease. Wife knows where I stand, knows I have been looking, and does not say anything. She is thinking she'll get the home and some alimony, and not me, sounds like a good deal. The financial strain will be tough.

 

Sleeping without the kids under the same roof seems extremely diff. To me. I also would be alone. But, this has gone off for so long, i feel nothing for her, why is it so hard for me to pull the trigger?

 

Pls reply, the mind power I have used on this is astronomical. Thank you for your input.

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Pls reply, the mind power I have used on this is astronomical. Thank you for your input.

 

Change scares people. And while that trait had some evolutionary value (less chance of getting eaten if you knew the trail), it has less relevance today.

 

I don't think anyone should take lightly their responsibilities to marriage, family and children. But at the same time, we need to model the behaviors that support our values and living in a healthy and fulfilling emotional environment is one of those things.

 

You say you've "seen 3 psychiatrists/ therapists over this" - has your wife? Is she willing to try MC?

 

If you've truly exhausted all possibilities, then separation seems your only option. I couldn't survive in the atmosphere you describe and I'd hate for my kids to grow up thinking this is the norm. You've got some tough choices...

 

Mr. Lucky

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She wouldn't go. The professionals tell you "make her go on the co. Trip" or " tell her you are going to the party" . Sounds great, but you can't make somebody do something. I would RSVP, then end up canceling at the last minute.

 

Thanks for the input.

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In domestic violence cases of men abusing women sometimes women stay because the man has guilt tripped her, made up stories to get her sympathy, that he needs her. The guilt trip part could be the case with you.

 

You aren't responsible for her life. If you get divorced you don't have to give her more than half like other, in my opinion, manipulated men do.

 

I would learn as much about the divorce process as possible to help yourself dispel uncertainties. There are software products that will calculate your divorce settlement, child support, alimony, pension/401k, taxes, etc. for your state. There are also CDFA's, certified divorce financial analysts who do this for a living.

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DivorcedDad123

Its a hard decision when pulling the trigger and you can be sure she'll go balistic on ya.

First thing I did, and would do if I were you, is get her working. Do that by cutting out ALL nonessentials. Cable, gone! Spending money, gone! Internet, gone!

Right now you're enabling her laziness and you'll pay dearly for it with alimony. I was married right at 20 yrs too. I ended up paying a small alimony for 1 year because she's able bodied and working.

Dont even bring up any mental health issues or get her to therapy. You'll guarantee alimony because she's "disabled". Her lawyer will play that one up.

You need to prepare for the marathon, not the sprint. While you're getting her working, thats more time with the kids for you, and child support wont be a big issue for you anyway at their ages.

Talk to a lawyer and plan on getting the stbx to work. Your kids are grown so no need for her to be sitting around all day.

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You can't spend your life trying to fix someone else's. I'm actually separating this week. My husband is moving out and it been a long process. It's scary. Whether you leave or she does. It's a comfort zone.

 

Picture yourself in a year from now....will she be different? Will you feel differently? Probably nothing will change except that you will be a year older! Go find your happiness now!!

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You're probably just scared of change, and there will be changes, but you're best prepared, if you embrace the changes and plan for them (and not just the good ones). Just remember, there is calm after the storm, and a happier future ahead.

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There are two ways your wife will react to a divorce: she will either be angry and turn into the devil reincarnate and try to make your life a living hell thru the divorce, in which in the end, you will be so glad you are finally rid of her; Or, she will do a 180 and become the wife you always dreamed of, doing all the things you want her to do. So, either way, it will be good to initiate the divorce and moving out process to get some movement in one way or another.

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I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this.

 

Change is terrifying. ' Better the devil you know' , or in this case the unhappiness you know. All of us on this journey of divorce - we're stepping into uncharted territory. We're dismantling our lives and our futures. While it may be for the best it's still a loss. You gave your wife a lot. 20 years...I can't imagine. Of course it's hard to pull the trigger! You've got this though. It's going to be hard, but worth it.

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I think this is where the old Ann Landers question of, "are you better off with her or without her?" comes into play.

 

 

To put it simply, will you have a better life with the status quo, or will you be better off in your own home and not being yoked to her?

 

 

How will it impact your life?

 

 

How will it impact your kid's lives?

 

 

Your kids are basically adults. Yes the 14 y/o is not a legal adult yet but he/she is perfectly capable of living a healthy, happy and productive life with two supportive and loving parents who happen to be in two different homes.

 

 

Kids are negatively impacted when they are abused, abandoned, neglected or are living in a home that is toxic and full of hostility, violence, drug/alcohol addiction, criminality etc etc.

 

 

None of those things appear to be the case here. You would still be involved in their lives, still supportive, still loving, still there for them. you'd just happen to live in a different location than their mother.

 

 

I personally don't think "for the children" is really applicable here. If they were 2 and 6, then yes, having both parents in the marital home would matter. but teenagers can adapt to having a mom's house and a dad's house.

 

 

I think this is largely a matter of getting things worked out with your attorney in terms of custody/child support and spousal support and the division of marital assets. After that it's jus a matter of your own headspace.

 

 

It sounds like you've been divorced for years, you guys just haven't got your own houses yet and haven't formalized things legally through the courthouse yet.

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There are two ways your wife will react to a divorce: she will either be angry and turn into the devil reincarnate and try to make your life a living hell thru the divorce, in which in the end, you will be so glad you are finally rid of her; Or, she will do a 180 and become the wife you always dreamed of, doing all the things you want her to do. So, either way, it will be good to initiate the divorce and moving out process to get some movement in one way or another.

 

 

 

I s'pose either of those things could happen, but from his description I really don't think either of those scenarios will be the case. She sounds as disconnected and disinterested as he is.

 

 

I think as long as she feels she is being treated fairly and is getting what is due her from the marital assets, she'll probably be fine with it and will neither try to make his life miserable nor try to win him over.

 

 

It will likely look more like a business meeting with people discussing the mechanics of getting the kids where they need to be and coming up with a fair and reasonable distribution of marital assets.

 

 

The primary sticking point here will be in regards to spousal support. If he has been the sole source of income for 20 years, she will be entitled to a degree of spousal support. She'll undoubtably want more that what he is wanting to pay.

 

 

Other than that, this may be a relatively cooperative D.

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..... there is even a possibility the D will be good for her.

 

 

She sounds like kind of a lazy, listless slug that likes to lay around the house doing nuth'n.

 

 

Being on her own may give her the kick in the pants she needs to get out and get the circulation going again.

 

 

Yes, there is a possibility it may make her depression worse and she'll retreat into herself worse.

 

 

But there is also a possibility that it may free her to get out and reconnect with some old friends, make some new ones and get out and pursue some other interests besides the kid's homework and college applications.

 

 

She may even decide after two years of celibacy that she wants to get out and interact with some new men. That may liven her up and get her to the gym and get her to put down the doughnuts and take care of herself better.

 

 

She'll get some spousal support, but probably not as much or for as long as what she will want to achieve a lifestyle that she wants. That may motivate her enough to get out and get some job training/education and find a job and financial independence of her own.

 

 

She may need the divorce for her well being as much as he does.

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You should be able to get at least joint custody, of your youngest anyway, and have the older child visit/stay with you in a new place as well. They are basically of an age to help decide their futures. If she lives alone with them...will she shop, take them to appointments. Etc.? If she is truly mentally ill, she will not be able to suddenly do these things. If she has been "enjoying" staying inside but does not have actual issues preventing her from being out and about, you will soon find out, if you leave.

 

I looked at and longed for small, neat little apartments for more than a year in secret before my husband finally asked me to move out. I couldn't brung myself to be the one to say it, as he was clinically depressed, has high blood pressure, etc...but once he said the words, I found a place and moved within days. I was so relieved and happy to be on my own. That was close to a year ago and our divorce is progressing now. If you are to the point where you have picked out an apartment in your mind, you are ready to go. It doesn't sound like the marriage will improve on its own so unless both of you want, and get joint counseling, things will continue to deteriorate.

 

If you feel that she is ill to the point of not being able to care for the kids without you, that is another story and you may have to try for primary custody. Keep their best interests in mind all the time.

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I have been looking for apts., and it has not been a secret. She does not ask, and when I bring up I might sign a lease she just says "what do you want me to say"?

 

I appreciate the feedback. My wife s sister was married for a yr., had child and got divorced. She is a good person, but in terms of her life she micro manages her son, and makes no attempt to meet men, in call it 13 yrs (boy is 16). She lives with her mom, minimal social life with girlfriends, at best. My wife is living this life, and as somebody commented Maybe i have become a bit of an enabler.

 

as I type out my scenario, it is helpful because when I read it's a bit startling.

Edited by ShouldGo
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It's not uncommon for one spouse to not want a divorce, but also not want to do anything to improve the marriage.

 

These are the types to be less than cooperative during the divorce because they are mad that they have been forced to make any changes.

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Pls reply, the mind power I have used on this is astronomical.

 

This is your problem. You're thinking too much and not doing enough. I've found that feelings of fear and anxiety fade once I have taken some kind of action.

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It hasn't been this way for 20 yrs, but the last 6 or so. I am a naturally happy person, am with kids, golfing w friends, etc. but do nothing with wife, nothing.

 

Still the same feedback from the group here? Thanks.

Edited by ShouldGo
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It hasn't been this way for 20 yrs, but the last 6 or so. I am a naturally happy person, am with kids, golfing w friends, etc. but do nothing with wife, nothing.

 

Still the same feedback from the group here? Thanks.

 

It's good that you're naturally happy and active. I still have the same feedback.

 

Before you leave her, just be sure that you have actually TOLD her with your words what would make you happy.

Edited by Popsicle
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within that 20 years of marriage

when did your wife stop having a job?

 

you allowed that she was the homemaker with in that 20 yrs

 

she will be entitled to the lifestyle she currently has.

a lifestyle that she has if she were still married with you.

that is the purpose of alimony for cases like this.

 

you cannot simply leave a person destitute, who has been good homemaker for 20 yrs.

 

will she have access to a good divorce adviser?

by virtue of finding ways to reduce any alimony you are leaving a person in dust,

a person who has done you no wrong and has sacrificed so much for the family and home, this is foul.

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ShouldGo - It has to be hard to make the final step and I say that since I continue to stall a few steps behind you. You have a lot figured out and I wish you luck in taking the final step. On the surface it sounds like the right one.

 

I disagree (respectfully) with the prior comment about leaving the wife in the dust, etc. You can't really help someone that doesn't help themselves. Being a home maker is a complete cop out especially if there are other needs that are not being met (socially, intimately, physicially, financially, etc, fill in the blank).

 

It bothers me that some spouses appear to stop caring as much but I know this is a whole other debate.

 

Your wife knows you are looking at apartments and she seems to be "okay" with that. Time to start chapter 2 and I can't wait to read that you take a great friend on your next trip. Sounds like a time of a lifetime that you keep forfeiting

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It hasn't been this way for 20 yrs, but the last 6 or so. I am a naturally happy person, am with kids, golfing w friends, etc. but do nothing with wife, nothing.

 

Still the same feedback from the group here? Thanks.

 

The challenges is transitioning through separation and divorce with kids are significant but surmountable.

 

Given the state of your life and marriage, what other issues keep you from leaving?

 

Mr. Lucky

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My wife would not be destitute, and she is intelligent/ and can hold a job.

 

With her life she has chosen to do less and less as time has gone on, both in personal interest/ activities, and responsibilities. She is the mirror image of her Mom... Always can find a reason not to do something. As I type this my cell is ringing, my wife, and i can guess what it is. My daughter Just got invited to a HC dance in a couple of weeks, wants to go. Wife is calling with reasons not to go ( homework, college apps.) and wants me on board with this when daughter comes home from school.

 

To answer last question, Thought of leaving kids is stressful. My youngest and I review her day eveyday when I come home ( she is 14) and always excited. I keep thinking " sleep on it, and see what you think tomorrow". Then tomorrow comes, and I repeat the process.

Edited by ShouldGo
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