Coping in limbo

[SoSad123]

Hello All. I will try to keep this brief. I need some feedback on how to cope.

 

My husband of 15 yrs (2 young children) is leaving to go "find himself". Loves me, loves the kids, but doesn't know if "this" is what he wants. Doesn't know if he's meant to be alone. Needs to go and find out. He's not happy and he doesn't know why. He's depressed, cries about it, but is still leaving. Thinks this may wake him into realizing what he has, but acknowledges that I may choose not to take him back. (and no, I don't think there is another woman) (Midlife crisis?)

 

I cried miserably for about a week straight. We are selling our house for financial reasons, but I came to the realization that when it does sell, I need to buy or rent something on my own, without the hope that he'll be back. I have to prepare for the worst.

 

What is hurting me most is my children. How can they process this? They are 8 and 5. There has been nothing wrong - no fighting, etc. They don't deserve this. He told our son last night who, of course, cried his eyes out. Now I'm back to being a sobbing mess. My poor little boy who adores his dad. He's getting an apartment is 3 weeks.

 

I know the advice is "keep busy, do things with the kids, keep the kids busy". I understand that, but easier said than done. How do you do it???

[understand50]

Hello All. I will try to keep this brief. I need some feedback on how to cope.

 

My husband of 15 yrs (2 young children) is leaving to go "find himself". Loves me, loves the kids, but doesn't know if "this" is what he wants. Doesn't know if he's meant to be alone. Needs to go and find out. He's not happy and he doesn't know why. He's depressed, cries about it, but is still leaving. Thinks this may wake him into realizing what he has, but acknowledges that I may choose not to take him back. (and no, I don't think there is another woman) (Midlife crisis?)

 

I cried miserably for about a week straight. We are selling our house for financial reasons, but I came to the realization that when it does sell, I need to buy or rent something on my own, without the hope that he'll be back. I have to prepare for the worst.

 

What is hurting me most is my children. How can they process this? They are 8 and 5. There has been nothing wrong - no fighting, etc. They don't deserve this. He told our son last night who, of course, cried his eyes out. Now I'm back to being a sobbing mess. My poor little boy who adores his dad. He's getting an apartment is 3 weeks.

 

I know the advice is "keep busy, do things with the kids, keep the kids busy". I understand that, but easier said than done. How do you do it???

 

SoSad,

 

You are the responsible and sane one, so you do what you must. I would file for divorce from your husband, as you may need the force of law so he will support his children while he "finds himself". You will need to protect yourself and your children, use the law to your benefit. Even if you do not file for divorce, a court order for child support is in order. Start this now, see a lawyer, and separate your finances.

 

Ask him, if as he is finding himself, if he can find his Manhood, because in my book he is not a man. Real men do not abandon their family to find themselves. A self centered man child does. Please remember the pain and hurt he has caused, if you decide to reconcile. OK, enough of my ranting.

 

Look, you will do what you must, because you love your children. Do you have support of family and friends? Is there someone to talk to? Post here, if nothing else. I do not know you, but you are a woman of worth, and a lovely person. There will be love for you in this life, please remember that. Remember your worth, and the love of your children.

 

I wish you well.

[chew123]

Sosad,

 

Sorry for your situation. I would file immediately. He is already diverting the resources that your children need to pay for his apartment.

 

I would also encourage him to leave immediately.

 

Everyone goes through times when they question their lot in life. Moving away form your wife and children who you supposedly "love" displays a character defect.

 

I wish you luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thinks this may wake him into realizing what he has, but acknowledges that I may choose not to take him back. (and no, I don't think there is another woman) (Midlife crisis?)

 

Even though I'm not one with a knee-jerk "he's cheating" response, I question your assessment. Understand that "another woman" might not mean a physical affair but at this stage could be an emotional partner offering a friendly shoulder and lending a comforting ear.

 

I'd guess your husband is a good man who loves his children. Under those circumstances, it takes considerable motivation to get him to abandon the family hearth and home, more than just he "doesn't know if "this" is what he wants".

 

This doesn't pass the smell test. At the very least, I'd start looking at phone, text, email and social media accounts for unknown contacts and frequently called numbers. When there's a fox in the hen house, knowledge is power.

 

Keep posting, let us know how it goes. Stay strong for your boys, someone has to be the adult here ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Waynester]

So sorry to read your story, especially as I am a 43 year old man.. I feel some shame that he is treating you & his children this way. I'm guessing your husband is in his 40s too?

It may well be so called mid life crisis, but..there's a huge difference in thinking about doing something like this..& actually doing it!! This is not a movie or fantasy, but real life, and sometimes you have to put aside your own wants & feelings for the better of your family!! I'm astonished that he can even contemplate doing this with children so young!

 

As others have said, if he does this..then you must protect your children & yourself first. This is what a mature loving parent does...the children 'always' come first, always!!

 

I hope there is not another story/reason behind this..but I fear for you that there may be.

 

I really do hope he comes to his senses, but if he doesn't, you must harden yourself and do what you must do. Good luck.

[SoSad123]

Thank you all for your supportive comments. He really is going through something and needs professional help. When things are bad, he runs away. Always wants to move, change jobs, etc. When I look at it like this, I think maybe he'll come to his senses and we can work things out IF he gets help. I can't, however, get past the feeling that he's looking for someone/something better and will settle for me if he can't find it. That, I won't tolerate.

 

So I go through a roller coaster of emotions from one moment to the next. I cry, I get mad, I cry again, I have anxiety, I shake, I can't imagine life on my own. This wasn't supposed to happen to my children. I literally hurt.

 

I am trying to move forward with the mindset that my marriage is over. I wish I could fast forward time.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am trying to move forward with the mindset that my marriage is over. I wish I could fast forward time.

 

Sooner or later, we all arrive at the understanding that the only person you control is you. It would be great in situations like yours if we could 'want' on someone else's behalf - sorry, doesn't work that way.

 

Since you don't know what he will do, you can only prepare for what he can do. In your case, that means taking the necessary steps - financially, legally, domestically - to provide for yourself and your kids.

 

One much discussed technique for waking up a wavering spouse - and keeping your sanity - is the "180". The basic principle involved are:

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.

 

Lots to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[RightThere]

I know the advice is "keep busy, do things with the kids, keep the kids busy". I understand that, but easier said than done. How do you do it???

 

Really it's just a matter of "fake it 'till you make it."

 

The initial stages of keeping busy are extremely difficult. It's tough just to just get out of bed in the morning sometimes.

 

I found just saying "yes" to whatever came at me helped out a lot. If your kids suggest something even small (Let's go to the library, Let's go look at kittens and the pet store) just say yes and do it without thinking. The days slowly fill up and you'll think less about turmoil. If friends call and invite you anywhere for anything, just say "yes" and do it.

[SoSad123]

I've read about the 180 and would love to be able to do it, but we've spiralled into silent mode and I think its made things worse rather than better. I have nothing to say to him. don't even want to look at him. I am so hurt I just exist like a zombie. I am a horrible actress, I can't fake it. He tried to be somewhat normal, but since I've been ignoring him, he has now shut down, too. Its awkward silence except for the kids. There are no more hellos, goodbyes, good mornings, etc. Just nothing. I know I am not making myself someone he'd want to come back to. I can't help it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I am not making myself someone he'd want to come back to. I can't help it.

 

You don't have to. What you do is make HIM someone you're willing to move on from.

 

You have to make him realize that, with or without him, your life is going to go on. That's the point the 180 is designed to emphasize so your spouse understands that he's not choosing to live somewhere else, he's electing to live without you. He has choices but those choices have consequences.

 

He's in a fog right now, your job is to provide him with some clarity. Pick a couple of the easier ones relating to interaction and start today...

 

Mr. Lucky

[glitterandmud]

Honestly, there is no formula to make this process less brutal.

 

It was my decision to pull the plug on my marriage, and it was (and still is) very very sad and painful and scary.

 

Time is really the only thing that will make it easier.

 

Please be careful that you are making decisions based on what is in the best interest for you and your kids. Not walking on eggshells in the hope of "winning him back".

 

I love the 180 list. so much. read it and live it.

[SoSad123]

Just an update - today he is all chipper and I am a mess. Doesn't understand why I'm looking at all the "negatives" of this. REALLY???? You just broke up with me after 15 years!! He said he sees this as a fresh start/new beginning. He's all excited. Says maybe the spark will come back. Maybe we'll go out on dates. Says he'll always be around no matter what. I told him that actually makes it worse! I wish I would never see him again, but with kids, thats not possible.

 

Just had to vent this. Am I crazy? WTF??!

[66Charger]

This needs to be moved to the infidelity forum. He is feeling chipper? Start a new thread there and ask is he cheating. If he is, the folks over there will out him in 2 weeks.

[Popsicle]

When I divorced my kids were fairly young too. I presented it like we were going on a new adventure and made sure they spent time with both parents every week. We didn't put any heavy sadness on our kids.

[understand50]

Just an update - today he is all chipper and I am a mess. Doesn't understand why I'm looking at all the "negatives" of this. REALLY???? You just broke up with me after 15 years!! He said he sees this as a fresh start/new beginning. He's all excited. Says maybe the spark will come back. Maybe we'll go out on dates. Says he'll always be around no matter what. I told him that actually makes it worse! I wish I would never see him again, but with kids, thats not possible.

 

Just had to vent this. Am I crazy? WTF??!

 

So Sad,

 

No.

 

Your husband seems about the most clueless person I know. When you hit him with divorce papers, and the court orders him to pay child support, and then limits the time he can spend with his children, maybe he will get a clue. When you go on your first date, with out him, he may wake up. Please take him at is word, make a break, and move on with your life. It will be better for you and your kids. If you still want him, this may be the only way, as I think he want to go out and be single and have you as plan b. Do not be plan b.

 

If he comes to his senses, you can try reconciliation, but make sure that he is in it for the long haul. If that happen. please post here. We can help.

 

As always I wish you the best.

[Mr. Lucky]

If he comes to his senses, you can try reconciliation, but make sure that he is in it for the long haul. If that happen. please post here. We can help.

 

SoSad123, hard to believe now but his course of events will put you in the driver's seat regarding the future of your marriage. If you stay grounded and sensible, the eventual burden will be on him to prove any commitment to you, your marriage and his family. Remember, you can't control his actions, only your response - or lack of - to him. Follow the 180 and move forward with your life, no other choice and little ones depending on you.

 

Remember those lines about "the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"? Never more applicable than now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mz. Pixie]

Been here a long time sweet lady. Men do not typically leave their wives and children to "find themselves". They leave for other reasons mostly. Mainly strange tail, other women.

 

Start sniffing around. Today.

[SoSad123]

Thank you all. I am trying to detach and he is acting as if nothing is going on. He's trying to talk to me about my day and just regular things. When I don't respond or react, he gets mad. I really think he thinks that we will just remain the best of friends. No, its not happening. I am not interested in being his friend. He leaves in two weeks and I can't wait.

[angelcake]

I truly get the feeling he has someone else lined up. I am sorry as I know this isn't what you want to hear, but this is really abnormal behavior. Men don't give up their families to "find themselves".

 

Gather as much info as you can: check phone logs, social media, emails, think back to times he felt like he was hiding things or stories didn't line up. Does anything pop up as a red flag?

 

Definitely put your kids first and try to stay strong for them. I think I failed my kids miserably during my divorce and I still feel horrible about it 5 years later. At the time I didn't realize what I was doing as I was in the process of a huge breakdown. Looking back I see that I should have done so much more to comfort them. Luckily they came out of it great and are happy teenagers now, though, but my guilt is still there.

 

Best wishes to you. I know it's hard. Hang in there.

[ShatteredLady]

My husband has always suffered from depression. We met when I was just turned 21. For the first many years our life seemed perfect...except he would get this self depricating depression. It was mostly centered around his career. I was far more successful than him. We married after living together for 6 years. An opportunity to move to the USA was presented. He laughed it off but I pushed. I thought it was a great idea! He would feel more special, different & appreciated. My plan was further education but we ended-up a lot poorer than expected. The job hadn't been all we hoped for. I encouraged him to persue education & my life took a back burner. I didn't have a work visa. I was incredibly isolated but he was happy!! That didn't last long. I started to accept that depression was part of him. Our life became his work, his education, his computer gaming obsession.

 

After about 12 years I was first hit with the "I need to find myself". I was devastated. I'd sacrificed so much for his elusive 'happiness' & my all just wasn't enough. I spent weekends throwing gatherings for his team at work & dinner parties to secure his position at work. Turns out one of those parties was actually for his mistress! I never believed for one moment that he was the kind of person who could cheat. I was internally blaming myself for not making him happy. His excuse in the end was obviously, he'd been spending 12 hours a day, work functions, travel etc with her & no time with me so we had drifted apart & he felt lost.

He was basically too much the "Good Guy" to have a full-on affair with her. It was 'just' completely emotional. By "Finding Himself" he meant "I want to try being single to see if this emotional affair turns into something real but I'm too afraid to be alone to dump you first!".

 

Be careful. My H went from being (insanely, given the situation) perky & enthused. Loosing lots of weight & describing himself as a "Golden God" when it came to his physique & exercise etc. too becoming verbally abusive in the name of "Honesty". In hindsight (We've been over this a lot) he was vilifying me, eventually blaming me for his depression so he could put his fantasy future of her on a pedestal.

 

Anyway....I could be way off the mark but your story rang a lot of bells for me. Grown men who are that passive don't loose all empathy & compassion for their life partner & children without having some very strong fantasy delusion running in their head. Depressives only become chipper when brain chemistry is altered. Attraction, basically the hots for another woman can be a powerful drug.

 

I still seriously doubt my H's sanity over this period of time. He turned into a completely different human being than I had shared 12 intimate years with. I was in complete & utter shock. I was constantly asking him to seek therapy.

 

We've now been together for 25 years. He has only been this cruel 'Alien' twice & both times there was a fantasy of a life with another woman. An unrealistic, hugely in his own mind, bordering on insanity, all consuming infatuation. I also note they are also the only times he's been on antidepressant medication. The only times he's talked about "Being lost" & "Needing to find himself".

Funny enough, both times I've caught him by finding email receipts for flowers to her! Both times he's broken it off & feels like he doesn't even know the person he was for that time. I believe him because he's just so completely different for those times in our relationship.

 

Even if this isn't the case I hope just knowing your not the only woman to be completely blindsided by the "I need to find myself".

 

There's a great song by The Beautiful South named "I need a little time"...it's a huge trigger for me but it also makes me laugh out loud!!

[SoSad123]

ShatteredLady - I feel like you were telling my story. He's on antidepressants. I have always made more money than him and it bothers him that he "doesn't make enough". Always down on himself about his choices in life. Recently lost a lot of weight and thinks he's hot **** now. Keeps blaming me for not being exciting enough.

 

I don't think there is someone else currently (although who the hell knows this man anymore), but I am sure he wants to see what else is out there. See if he can find someone "better". Shop around. Good luck.

 

How did you guys wind up staying together?