Lost & very scared...

[Radarsat]

Hello everyone.

 

I've been married to my wife for over 12 years. We have a 7 year old and a almost 4 year old. Recently (just last week), my wife asked me to find an apartment to live in temporarily while we attempt to reconcile some major issues. I had just confessed to betraying her. I did not have an affair with another person, however, I did certainly betray her trust immensely. I have apologized countless times and have told her how wrong I have been over the years in the way I have treated her. But she initially said she needed a weekend to think things over, she opened a bank account and redirected her pay to it, and has since asked me to find an apartment, which I move into this week.

 

Many people who I have told have not quite understood why she went to this length right away without first trying to heal together before asking me to leave. However, none of these people had to live with me. I realize now more than ever before (In past, I never consistenly worked at changing) that I've been emotionally abusive to my wife and kids for the past 8 years. And yes, she has confronted me on my behaviour countless times! Many times I'd argue about whether my behaviour should be tolerated or is acceptable. Quite often I wouldn't simply honour her request to stop my behaviour. As an example, I'd use profanity within the earshots of the kids. Instead of honouring her and stopping it, I'd argue whether they could hear it, telling her that "she's straining to hear me swear when she's in another room", or "there is no effing way they can hear me". I'd say "this better stop because I'm getting tired of it." Meanwhile she has been downright fed up with it for years. I'd also stomp around the house when in a bad mood or especially if the house reached a breaking point in cleanliness and I had to do my part to clean up. I'd never call her names or the kids names. Nothing like, "You effing #$#%h" or anything like that. Just more of a very passive aggressive moody grumpy man. And from that, she grew apart from me. Didn't want to intimately connect at all with a pissed off, angry man. I also stopped taking care of myself and have become very overweight. We both have. She has extremely low self-esteem (as do I) and my anger/rage in the house didn't help things. I'd stay up later at night because she didnt' want to "fool around" so I'd watch porn, which I'm extremely ashamed of now.

 

We have talked in the past about getting a marriage counselor, but neither one of us acted on it. We just ignored our problems. I figured as the kids aged, some of our independence would come back and we'd find eachother again. How foolish. I got very lazy in our marriage. Our intimacy essentially completely disappeared over the past 3-4 years. Again, neither one of us did anything about it. Actually, not exactly true...

 

...I have been seeing a psychologist myself since 2011. That started because my father was diagnosed with cancer and was having tremendous difficulty at work with anxiety. It spilled into our marriage too...the stress levels. I have also talked with my dr's regarding my anger/rage. We have determined (and my wife wouldn't argue with this) that it's largely stemming from my upbringing. I was sexually (only two incidents) and physically, verbally abused as a child. I'm realizing now that perhaps I still have a lot of anger in my life because of my mother, who also was diagnosed with cancer a year after my Dad, which caused MORE stress in our marriage. I do not deal with health issues very well.

 

 

I also have been on and off Cipralex for depression since 2011. I say on and off because I've been absolutely stupid about taking it. I would take it for 3-4 days, maybe longer and then start to feel better, and then I'd skip a day by accident and then it would turn in to 2 days and then I'd say "hmmm...maybe I don't need it, I still feel fine". When in actuality, you can't treat drugs like that. You need to take them and stick with them. I also now know (unfortunate I needed this kind of wake up call) that I MUST stay on it. I need it. And I'm not a medicine pusher. Why in the hell couldn't I have just taken my pill? I've been on it for a week and I already feel calmer. Even my psychologist (who can't prescribe it) has acknowledged that I need it and doesn't understand why I wouldn't have taken it regularly in order to help manage all the negative stuff in my life. I'm on it now for life and dont' ever plan on missing doses. But I may have lost my soulmate because of it.

 

So, with the recent betrayal, although I have confessed and never had an actual affair, coupled with the years of emotional abuse, she has asked me to leave our home. She indicated that she wanted me to find a month-to-month apartment, which I amazingly found. She has also indicated to me that she knows I'm sick (mentally) and that she wants to be by my side emotionally (not physically) 100% of the way in getting better. BUT, she has also reminded me a number of times this week that she needs her space right now and feels pressured by me, and even if I do turn my life around for the better of myself and the kids, she's not sure if she can get over this and get back together. Which is why she wants to go to counseling together to see if she can heal those feelings. But she says she does not hold out much hope and wants to be honest with me about that.

 

I ask you all.....how does separation help in this case? How can I actually prove to her that I am changed. I believe she knows I'm truly sorry. But I'm scared it doesn't matter to her anymore. I wish she had been more forceful in the past at getting us marriage counseling. And I should have done something too more than just my own counseling. She told me this week that she had first thought of it again 2 months ago but was afraid we'd get into a fight about it. So she didn't do anything.

 

Is there any hope for us? Or is it too late?

[LifeNomad]

you have to do it because that's what she wants, you cannot force her to be with you, you cant force her to love her. I know it feels like your letting her go, but your actually allowing her to breathe a moment to gather her thoughts and decide fully if she wants to be with you. The crying, begging and pleading will not work, it may keep you together physically for a little longer but mentally she wont wanna be there, and it will just be a matter of time before she leaves if you don't. If she truly loves you she will want you back, take it easy and slow, don't put pressure on her. If I could go back that's what I would have done and im pretty sure im not the only one. I had 13 yrs with mine and 3 kids.

 

 

In the meantime, start exercise, eat healthy, start taking care of yourself, think of this as the beginning of your new life, whether you guys get back together or not you must make changes. Best of all be a better dad for your kids.

[LuckyLady13]

Radarsat, you need to move forward going to this apartment and stay there for quite a while. You may be sorry but you haven't spent any time yet changing old, bad (abusive) habits and that takes a lot of time.

 

Don't pressure her into being with you. You need a long time by yourself to work on yourself. Exercise, eat healthy, stick with your psychologist, take your meds religiously if they are helping and start putting yourself together. Not in a few days or a week. This will take time. And your wife is well aware of this! She is not going to tolerate you trying to take any shortcuts.

 

You asked how you can prove to her you have changed but you haven't changed yet. You need to use the time you will have to yourself in that apartment to read up on abusive behavior, how to deal with your own past abuse and let go of the anger and become a much better man.

 

Will it be too late? That's really hard to say. But, if you don't take this time out to yourself to start working diligently on improving yourself, you'll never find out, will you? I think you're very lucky at this point that she was willing to cut you some slack by mentioning an apartment with a month to month lease. That means she's at least considered 3 months or 5 months to see changes with you.

 

By the time you change yourself, it is entirely possible she'll have found someone else. It's also possible she won't. Those are just the dice you have to roll right now. But, your kids need a good father.

 

Do everything in your power to deal with your own past abuse. I was quite severely abused and held onto anger like a pitbull and had a hard time letting it go so I do understand you there. I didn't realize at the time how that constant anger toward my mother was trickling over into every single interaction I had with another human being. It's not that you don't have a right to be angry. Your kids have EVERY RIGHT to not have an angry father. Stop putting yourself first and put your kids first.

 

You need to become a new man. It's possible...just possible that your wife may give you a chance once she sees concrete changes in you that last while you're alone for an extended amount of time.

 

I know you're scared but time alone is your friend here. Use it constructively!

[Satu]

With or without your wife, you need to get some healing.

 

When you get to the place where you feel better about yourself, all kinds of possibilities open up.

 

Get yourself to that place.

[Mr. Lucky]

So, with the recent betrayal, although I have confessed and never had an actual affair, coupled with the years of emotional abuse, she has asked me to leave our home.

 

Can you be more specific about this? Was it a single incident? Length and type?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Radarsat]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the support you guys are offering me. It's going to be a tough road. But I will do my best to make the changes that I need to make myself better for my kids. I'm just so very scared right now. As I mentioned it's only been a week and a half since I confessed my betrayal to her. Everything is so fresh. We were supposed to be going away to the Caribbean (one positive: she told me not to cancel the vacation yet) at the end of November and now I'm sitting unit in an apartment by myself which I just moved into an hour ago. Sorry to sound like a downer, but it's just so incredibly hard. At the same time I will try to focus on all the points you guys have given me So that I can be physically and mentally healthy again. Thank you!

[Radarsat]

Can you be more specific about this? Was it a single incident? Length and type?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Im sorry to be rude or graphic...It was a single incident. Online fantasy stuff attempting to connect with real women for their profile/photos over about 2 months. I never wanted an actual full blown affair. Ever. I would please myself since my wife and I were no longer intimate. It started out with porn when she wasnt feeling like sex after me asking 5-6 times over a month and getting rejected. I eventually got bored of porn. I knew the online connecting with women was wrong and so I stopped. 99% of the time I would end up back on a porn video to being thjngs to an end because incould never even connect with anyone! But the point is I tried. I would then feel immediate shame/guilt just for even looking at that and not being aith my wife. But i felt i betrayed her and I needed to confess. I know i have issues and i desperately need to address them. And I will.

[Satu]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the support you guys are offering me. It's going to be a tough road. But I will do my best to make the changes that I need to make myself better for my kids. I'm just so very scared right now. As I mentioned it's only been a week and a half since I confessed my betrayal to her. Everything is so fresh. We were supposed to be going away to the Caribbean (one positive: she told me not to cancel the vacation yet) at the end of November and now I'm sitting unit in an apartment by myself which I just moved into an hour ago. Sorry to sound like a downer, but it's just so incredibly hard. At the same time I will try to focus on all the points you guys have given me So that I can be physically and mentally healthy again. Thank you!

 

Remember that you are not alone with this.

 

There is always somebody here 24/7.

 

Not only that, there are people here who have been exactly where you are right now, people who've been through it, and come out the other side, as you will.

 

 

Here are a few tips that might be useful:

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres a day for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous at first.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

5. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

6. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

7. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

8. Above all else, remember that the real you is someone who is loving and kind, someone who can love and be loved, in a healthy way.

 

 

Take care.

[Radarsat]

Remember that you are not alone with this.

 

There is always somebody here 24/7.

 

Not only that, there are people here who have been exactly where you are right now, people who've been through it, and come out the other side, as you will.

 

 

Here are a few tips that might be useful:

 

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres a day for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous at first.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

5. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

6. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

7. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

8. Above all else, remember that the real you is someone who is loving and kind, someone who can love and be loved, in a healthy way.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Thanks Satu. These tips I'm sure will help tremendously. I actually started a journal immediately after being asked to leave. Over the past year or so at the advice of my psychologist, I realized that writing my thoughts down seemed to really help calm me down.

 

I am having a hard time with your #5. I am involved in a few things, but I don't really have too many "close" friends. I do have one, but he is so busy with his own family/life, I don't want to burden him with my problems. He knows about it.

 

I also need to eat more. I have basically starved myself all week. Lastnight I decided to eat and I got carried away with the amount. Really dumb. I ended up in the bathroom all night being sick. Too much too quickly I think. I don't know.

 

Re: #7. I think that contributed to some of the issues in my marriage. I have now quit and have zero desire at going back to those habits.

 

Thank you so much for the advice. I'll definitely be on here more. I'm gonna have bad days I'm sure. So please hang in there for me folks.

[Radarsat]

Having a rough day today. To add some information to this story, as I said, my wife first indicated that she wanted to go to marriage counseling (I have to set it up, get babysitting, etc....she doesn't' want to coordinate it) to see if she can get past this hurt. So I did that. However, when I approached the counseling services offered through my employer, they had to do a preassessment on both of us to see if they were willing to counsel us in the same room. Well....because of the answers my wife provided, they were unwilling to counsel us together because they were afraid I may have an outburst with her in the room. What also triggered it was a single incident of myself in the past holding my son firm and yelling at him. The child protective stuff is now a closed file and there are no concerns, but they still won't counsel us together because of the preassessment questions/answers my wife provided. They still feel my anger/rage may cause problems in counseling us together. Perhaps they are right. But how do we move forward if we want to SEE if we can reconcile? She was only being truthful...I'm not mad at her.

 

 

However, my psychologist indicated to me that just because that organization won't, does not mean that my wife and I cannot approach a marriage counselor or counseling group that will accept willing spouses to be counseled together. Again, as long as we are both willing....

 

 

...which is where it now gets frustrating. I explained to my psychologist yesterday that I'm beginning to feel small levels of frustration over the fact that nothing was ever done over the years BY EITHER one of us when it came to seeking help for our marriage. My wife indicated to me that months ago she thought that we may need marriage counseilling (we discussed the idea many times in the past 3-4 years), but she was too afraid to bring it up and get into a fight with me. I see her point to a certain degree. I never acted on it (getting a marriage counselor) because I was seeing my own psychologist and I guess felt I was doing my part. My psychologist has said that based on what I have told her my behavour was like around the house/kids/her it seems like she was walking on egg shells and those people who are like that will not want to say anything to upset the attacker (me) in order to avoid conflict. My wife came from a family that NEVER fought. I came from a family that fought DAILY. So I asked my psychologist given what has happened with the work counseling and them not counseling us together, should I ask my wife if she is still willing to see someone together if I line one up. She said that I definitely should but that I should expect her to say something like "let me think on it." I agreed with her that it would likely be something like that in response.

 

 

Well, I txt'd her my question yesterday: Are you still willing to attend marriage counseling together or are you more comfortable with attending your own individual counseling at this point. Let me know and you don't have to decide now.

 

 

Without any hesitation, she says, "Let me think about it." As much as I knew that would be a likely response. It hurts. I feel like she may not even us both the chance to counsel together...to hear eachother's concerns/hurts/ etc. She said she wanted to when this all unfolded. Then she has one individual counseling session and now wants to think about my idea of marriage counseling? Am I making any sense folks?

 

 

I feel this is just another indicator that she is done. But I'm truly hoping I'm wrong. I know I need to focus on me right now. But I feel SO guilty having this "freedom" to better myself. I don't feel I deserve this life.

[m.snow]

fair warning!

good lord don't leave the marital home for more than a week.

 

if this goes to a divorce.

 

leaving the marital home for a long time. like a month or so. is considered abandoning your children & family in the courts eyes.

 

even if you say that you and your wife agreed to that. court wont believe you.

 

yes alot of cases where the spouse who leaves, gets the very short end of the stick or gets nothing at all.

 

so be very careful and talk to an attorney or a lawyer about this "leaving the marital home."

Edited September 2, 2015 by m.snow

[Radarsat]

fair warning!

good lord don't leave the marital home for more than a week.

 

if this goes to a divorce.

 

leaving the marital home for a long time. like a month or so. is considered abandoning your children & family in the courts eyes.

 

even if you say that you and your wife agreed to that. court wont believe you.

 

yes alot of cases where the spouse who leaves, gets the very short end of the stick or gets nothing at all.

 

so be very careful and talk to an attorney or a lawyer about this "leaving the marital home."

 

 

 

 

Geez...thanks. I feel so much better now.

[RightThere]

fair warning!

leaving the marital home for a long time. like a month or so. is considered abandoning your children & family in the courts eyes.

 

even if you say that you and your wife agreed to that. court wont believe you.

 

yes alot of cases where the spouse who leaves, gets the very short end of the stick or gets nothing at all.

 

This not the case in a lot of situations. Having something documented is beneficial, but courts don't jump to "abandonment" right away if you show it's just a marital break to make the best situation for everyone (especially the kids). Some states are different for sure, but it's not the doomsday scenario you make it out to be.

[RightThere]

...which is where it now gets frustrating. I explained to my psychologist yesterday that I'm beginning to feel small levels of frustration over the fact that nothing was ever done over the years BY EITHER one of us when it came to seeking help for our marriage. My wife indicated to me that months ago she thought that we may need marriage counseilling (we discussed the idea many times in the past 3-4 years), but she was too afraid to bring it up and get into a fight with me. I see her point to a certain degree. I never acted on it (getting a marriage counselor) because I was seeing my own psychologist and I guess felt I was doing my part. My psychologist has said that based on what I have told her my behavour was like around the house/kids/her it seems like she was walking on egg shells and those people who are like that will not want to say anything to upset the attacker (me) in order to avoid conflict. My wife came from a family that NEVER fought. I came from a family that fought DAILY. So I asked my psychologist given what has happened with the work counseling and them not counseling us together, should I ask my wife if she is still willing to see someone together if I line one up. She said that I definitely should but that I should expect her to say something like "let me think on it." I agreed with her that it would likely be something like that in response.

 

That is pretty accurate. You cannot fix years of what your wife was living under in just a few weeks or months.

 

She was likely trying to keep the peace in order to make sure the "beast" was not rearing it's ugly head. And because that was her approach to take the abuse instead of standing up to you, I'll bet you escalated it on a continue basis just to push your limits and try to get a response.

 

If you want to fix it, it's going to be at your wife's pace. You just need to learn to suck it up and allow her to be comfortable in moving forward (if at all). You are kind of in "fix it" mode where you want to jump in and get dirty trying to overhaul the relationship. But frankly, I'm sure your wife is terrified of you. So you'll need to give her space and let her be comfortable with who you are trying to be.

 

The more you push, the more she'll back off, and the more you'll get frustrated.

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

If you want to fix it, it's going to be at your wife's pace. You just need to learn to suck it up and allow her to be comfortable in moving forward (if at all). You are kind of in "fix it" mode where you want to jump in and get dirty trying to overhaul the relationship. But frankly, I'm sure your wife is terrified of you. So you'll need to give her space and let her be comfortable with who you are trying to be.

 

The more you push, the more she'll back off, and the more you'll get frustrated.

 

Well said. One manifestation of your issues in your wife's eyes is a desire for control and an inability to deal when things don't go your way.

 

You can't control her reaction to this.

 

Vent your frustrations here (we're good for something ) but show her consideration. If your conduct has led you to this point, all you can do is show her you can be different.

 

Start today...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Radarsat]

That is pretty accurate. You cannot fix years of what your wife was living under in just a few weeks or months.

 

She was likely trying to keep the peace in order to make sure the "beast" was not rearing it's ugly head. And because that was her approach to take the abuse instead of standing up to you, I'll bet you escalated it on a continue basis just to push your limits and try to get a response.

 

If you want to fix it, it's going to be at your wife's pace. You just need to learn to suck it up and allow her to be comfortable in moving forward (if at all). You are kind of in "fix it" mode where you want to jump in and get dirty trying to overhaul the relationship. But frankly, I'm sure your wife is terrified of you. So you'll need to give her space and let her be comfortable with who you are trying to be.

 

The more you push, the more she'll back off, and the more you'll get frustrated.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I know your right. It is my lack of control. I grew up in a house where if you didn't "fix" the situation immediately, all hell was going to break loose from mom. So conflict is something I feel I MUST react to and quickly. I need to work on this. Thank you for your advice. I'm so scared of just "letting her go" so she can think. I feel it's only going to give her more of a concrete answer that myself NOT around her and the kids is exactly what she has always needed. I feel all alone. I know I need to suck it up...sorry

[RightThere]

I know your right. It is my lack of control. I grew up in a house where if you didn't "fix" the situation immediately, all hell was going to break loose from mom. So conflict is something I feel I MUST react to and quickly. I need to work on this. Thank you for your advice. I'm so scared of just "letting her go" so she can think. I feel it's only going to give her more of a concrete answer that myself NOT around her and the kids is exactly what she has always needed. I feel all alone. I know I need to suck it up...sorry

 

Don't be sorry. But also know that the damage you have done may not be fixable.

 

That is really hard to accept. I know because I am of the "gotta fix it" mentality as well. But emotions and feelings cannot be fixed in the same way as a broken washing machine.

 

You probably want to keep talking to her, smothering her with affection and attention to get things back on track. But that will only confuse her and make it seem like you are trying to control the situation.

 

You actually do need to let go more and allow your wife to repair. I couldn't even guess what the odds are that this can be repaired and you can get back the life that you want. But you need to process the fact that it may not get there. And that possibility is not just a remote chance.

 

Good luck.

[Tayla]

I know your right. It is my lack of control. I grew up in a house where if you didn't "fix" the situation immediately, all hell was going to break loose from mom. So conflict is something I feel I MUST react to and quickly. I need to work on this. Thank you for your advice. I'm so scared of just "letting her go" so she can think. I feel it's only going to give her more of a concrete answer that myself NOT around her and the kids is exactly what she has always needed. I feel all alone. I know I need to suck it up...sorry

 

This reminds me of a counseling session I had, and the Counselor said- "I notice you use the words "Letting go" , almost in a Hostage style way?. I paused and a light came on...I had held people hostage to my actions and my beliefs...and until they did as I demanded, they were my "items" to do with as I wished ( In my mind anyways). The reality is, you have empowerment to address matters. You have empowerment to change. DO both and in the process, you will find a more level ground to rebuild from. First you must rid yourself of old ways that didn't work. Its NOT your Wifes' place to change you or even abide by your ways...they didn't work.

Let your words match your behavior. Be as good as your word. And on a positive note, steer clear of anyone who says "Suck it up". They lack compassion and willingness to change or accept the current matter at face value. My Counselor and I never used such debasing terminology.

[RightThere]

And on a positive note, steer clear of anyone who says "Suck it up". They lack compassion and willingness to change or accept the current matter at face value. My Counselor and I never used such debasing terminology.

 

I will stand by my "Suck it up" comment just in that it was meant to make the OP push aside his wants and needs for the moment and allow his wife to focus on what she actually needs.

 

With the OP being in "fix it" mode, his reaction is to be overly involved with his wife, talking to her for hours on end to try and convince her to stay and fix the relationship.

 

Whereas his wife needs to see his positive action and reflect on it for herself. Not have him constantly in her face saying "Look at the good thing I just did for you."

[Radarsat]

I will stand by my "Suck it up" comment just in that it was meant to make the OP push aside his wants and needs for the moment and allow his wife to focus on what she actually needs.

 

With the OP being in "fix it" mode, his reaction is to be overly involved with his wife, talking to her for hours on end to try and convince her to stay and fix the relationship.

 

Whereas his wife needs to see his positive action and reflect on it for herself. Not have him constantly in her face saying "Look at the good thing I just did for you."

 

Not sure where I indicated that I've been 'talking to her for hours on end to try and convince her to stay'....we're only txt'ing at her request, which I'm honouring. AND, communication with her has been only based on scheduling time with our kids. Nothing regarding begging her to come back, or I'm sorry, etc. I know she doesn't wan to hear that. You may have jumped ahead in your assumption of where I'm at. But I do understand what your saying. Mentally, I have been in the "fix it" mode. And I desperately want to "fix" it. I will work on suppressing these feelings.

[LifeNomad]

Stop kicking urself about the online fantasy stuff, it was a stupid mistake, let it go, a lot of guys are worse going out to bars not.coming back till next morning etc. Live and learn

[Radarsat]

Stop kicking urself about the online fantasy stuff, it was a stupid mistake, let it go, a lot of guys are worse going out to bars not.coming back till next morning etc. Live and learn

 

 

Try telling her that! She tells me that for many people she's talked to about this, it would have been a "deal breaker" for them all.

[Mz. Pixie]

Geez...thanks. I feel so much better now.

 

Look- Snow is being upfront and honest with you. There may be much that some of us say that you don't want to here. Yet we are here. Giving you advice. That you asked for. For free.

 

The fantasy stuff was merely the breaking point. I grew up the way you did. I think what you're experiencing now is panic and PTSD. Child protective services??? I'm sorry for your pain. Honestly. It gives you no right to treat her this way.

 

She's been walking on eggshells for years. It will take real and consistent lengthy change for her to the want to reconcile. If she ever wants to at all.

 

You realize you were emotionally beating her down and went and sought out a fantasy girl on line because YOUR bad behavior pushed her away from you sexually???

 

Pretty painful. Honestly I would be devastated.

[Radarsat]

Look- Snow is being upfront and honest with you. There may be much that some of us say that you don't want to here. Yet we are here. Giving you advice. That you asked for. For free.

 

The fantasy stuff was merely the breaking point. I grew up the way you did. I think what you're experiencing now is panic and PTSD. Child protective services??? I'm sorry for your pain. Honestly. It gives you no right to treat her this way.

 

She's been walking on eggshells for years. It will take real and consistent lengthy change for her to the want to reconcile. If she ever wants to at all.

 

You realize you were emotionally beating her down and went and sought out a fantasy girl on line because YOUR bad behavior pushed her away from you sexually???

 

Pretty painful. Honestly I would be devastated.

 

 

You're right. Plain and simple. I believe I have passed that "point of no return". And I know I deserve it.

[Mz. Pixie]

The worst thing you can do right now is make this about you. At all. When you say things like the above it sounds like you're feeling sorry for yourself to her.

I'm just telling you. I've been there.