Josmatjes Posted August 30, 2015 Share Posted August 30, 2015 Ive been miserable for so long I think I got used to it. My husband and I have talked of separating and divorce and then the next day he's like, so what's for dinner hon? He doesn't take anything serious and turns a blind eye to it if it upsets his world. The final straw fo me was last night at my sons birthday. He came home from golfing and I could tell Ed been drinking but didn't say anything. When our company came over, 25 people, he did not get up from the couch once except to get another drink. He was watching baseball, then football started, then he fell asleep for the next two hours on the same couch inthe den where everyone was going in and out to my yard. He then wakes up and leaves the room and jumps in the shower. I mean if that's not the rudest thing ever. Even his family looked uncomfortable! So this morning he wakes up and actually has the nerve to blame me for not letting him rest?!? What?? He's the one who golfed all day and drank knowing we were having a party! I told him that's it I want a divorce. I'm making an appointment with a mediator this week. I know it's going to be a hard road because the Nasty looks have already started. Anyone have advice? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Say whay you mean, and mean what you say. Act on whay you said you planned to do. Then don't discuss again. That is called Consequences. Yas 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Get a good solid plan together and follow it through. Best of luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 What's for dinner hon? Your answer could be " whatever you're cooking for me". Tell him he should handle the dishes to clean up while he's at it. He assumes you are cooking for hi because you haven't made him think otherwise. If you intend to end the M then act as if it's ending. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NewBeginning72 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Good luck, and try to makes things as amicable as possible. I finally took the plunge, and we filled for divorce as co-petitioners...and were granted a divorce in a little over a week. But we still live in our house together; I have been getting it ready to put on the market (no help from him, or course). But I was also miserable for a looong time, but was scared to take the plunge. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Why a mediator at this point???? Mediators are for working out the details of the divorce plan. To come up with divorce plan and a blueprint of your post-divorce life, you need an actual divorce attorney. Step one is to get an attorney and work with your attorney to come up with your own divorce plan and to educate yourself on how divorce works in your jurisdiction. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Also, you have announced your intentions to your husband so he is informed. So now STFU and don't say another word about it to him. Just quietly and discretely go on about your business of securing an attorney and working through the divorce plan with your lawyer. It is actually to your HYUUUUUGE advantage that he isn't taking you seriously and is going on about his normal day. I haven't read any of your backstory, but I have the feeling you have been bitching about things and threatening divorce for a long time so he is figuring you are just whining and moaning again and all he is hearing is "blah blah blah blah blah, whine whine whine whine whine." That is good. you want him asleep at the switch. You do not need his consent and buy-in for the divorce. Start working with your attorney and work out the plan. Get your affairs (no pun intended) in order and then enact the plan in one move when you file and have him served. He'll be caught off guard and will be scrambling to play catch up and by then you can be 5 steps ahead of him. The key is really to stop talking. The time for talk has come and gone. Divorcing is an action sequence. STFU and start taking the actions of divorce which is consulting an attorney. doing what the attorney says, which will be gathering documents, securing financial instruments, documenting shared properties and assets, making custody plans and childcare plans, securing health insurance, securing housing etc. If you really want a divorce, get one. Don't just talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Also, you have announced your intentions to your husband so he is informed. So now STFU and don't say another word about it to him. Just quietly and discretely go on about your business of securing an attorney and working through the divorce plan with your lawyer. It is actually to your HYUUUUUGE advantage that he isn't taking you seriously and is going on about his normal day. I haven't read any of your backstory, but I have the feeling you have been bitching about things and threatening divorce for a long time so he is figuring you are just whining and moaning again and all he is hearing is "blah blah blah blah blah, whine whine whine whine whine." That is good. you want him asleep at the switch. You do not need his consent and buy-in for the divorce. Start working with your attorney and work out the plan. Get your affairs (no pun intended) in order and then enact the plan in one move when you file and have him served. He'll be caught off guard and will be scrambling to play catch up and by then you can be 5 steps ahead of him. The key is really to stop talking. The time for talk has come and gone. Divorcing is an action sequence. STFU and start taking the actions of divorce which is consulting an attorney. doing what the attorney says, which will be gathering documents, securing financial instruments, documenting shared properties and assets, making custody plans and childcare plans, securing health insurance, securing housing etc. If you really want a divorce, get one. Don't just talk about it. Thank you. This has helped! Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 Josmartes I believe you have been unfaithful to him. Is he clueless or does he know. If he knows, is this behavior related to you and he not communicating about your affair?? Sometimes instead of ranting and raving BH may exhibit other bad behaviors if he is holding it all in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted August 31, 2015 Author Share Posted August 31, 2015 Josmartes I believe you have been unfaithful to him. Is he clueless or does he know. If he knows, is this behavior related to you and he not communicating about your affair?? Sometimes instead of ranting and raving BH may exhibit other bad behaviors if he is holding it all in. He knows everything. The behaviors he displays are the same behaviors he has had for years. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Nasty looks? no one in real life will look at you nasty. But I don't know Jos. While I don't question that you're fed up and extremely frustrated, I question whether you'll actually file for D and face head on all that D means. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Nasty looks? no one in real life will look at you nasty. But I don't know Jos. While I don't question that you're fed up and extremely frustrated, I question whether you'll actually file for D and face head on all that D means. I called and made an appointment w a mediator. It's a good step for me right now. I can't predict a D but I know a legal separation is coming..and I meant nasty looks from my husband but that was last week. This week since he knows about the appointment he is calmer almost more accepting... Link to post Share on other sites
maymaymay Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 There has got to be more to this than just a husband with a crappy attitude, pension for golf, and piss poor social skills. What else is going on OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I called and made an appointment w a mediator. It's a good step for me right now. I can't predict a D but I know a legal separation is coming..and I meant nasty looks from my husband but that was last week. This week since he knows about the appointment he is calmer almost more accepting... Accepting of.....? Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 umm... correct me if i'm wrong, but didn't you cheat on this guy with a mutual acquaintance? Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 (edited) You cheated on him, he knows about it, and you're going to divorce him because he came home and didn't GAF about your party? Really? Wow. Good lord. Here's the news....I wouldn't either. When you cheat on somebody, you kinda sorta forfeit any sort of footing you might have in the marriage. He's a lot nicer than I would have been. I wouldn't be asking you what's for dinner, because I would have booted you out of the house long ago. All that said, yes...a divorce is in order here. Congratulations on finally summoning up the courage to put that loser out (sarcasm). Edited September 22, 2015 by ChicagoSparty 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 (edited) When you cheat on somebody, you kinda sorta forfeit any sort of footing you might have in the marriage. This is the kind of crap I can't stand. She doesn't owe her husband anything more than a chance to change and to do better in the marriage. For goodness sake, if he agreed to reconcile, then he agreed to a clean slate. If he or anyone else who stays married after infidelity cannot forgive and move on at some point, then yes, please divorce. I cannot stand it when someone says the WS owes the BS forever. So many judges...so little time. Marriage is a two way street...even after infidelity. Her husband could very well have left and he didn't...so no one is on unequal footing. Two people in the marriage...TWO. Edited September 22, 2015 by Rainbowlove 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 This is the kind of crap I can't stand. She doesn't owe her husband anything more than a chance to change and to do better in the marriage. For goodness sake, if he agreed to reconcile, then he agreed to a clean slate. If he or anyone else who stays married after infidelity cannot forgive and move on at some point, then yes, please divorce. I cannot stand it when someone says the WS owes the BS forever. So many judges...so little time. Marriage is a two way street...even after infidelity. Her husband could very well have left and he didn't...so no one is on unequal footing. Two people in the marriage...TWO. She cheated. He took a nap after playing golf. Those two crimes are not exactly comparable. She is here looking for support and sympathy when all the guy did was act like a bum for an afternoon. It's not about judging. It's about people having a tiny bit of self-awareness. As in, if you cheat in a marriage and are fortunate enough to not have that person bolt immediately, maybe look outside your selfish wants and expectations and maybe realize that you effed up and are lucky to even have a chance with the other person and maybe cool off on the demands. Like I said, he's nicer than I am. If my wife cheated on me and then started getting attitudey, and then threatened divorce, I would just point to the door. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 if he agreed to reconcile, then he agreed to a clean slate. i'm not sure he even knows. Link to post Share on other sites
ChicagoSparty Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 i'm not sure he even knows. Yeah, I just went back and looked at her other threads. Eeeeeeeeee. She needs to divorce her husband...yesterday. Unfair to keep him in that marriage. He might be the all-time mope, but since he doesn't know about the affair, he's married under false pretenses. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted September 23, 2015 Share Posted September 23, 2015 I've been following her story for a long time. The bum knows about the affair. Their marriage is a mess and has been long before the affair. She's not over the affair, maybe the affair partner, but not the affair and she's not in love with her husband. She should let him go, that I agree on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 So my husband is moving out this weekend. I am going to take this opportunity to just be alone and figure things out. I've given him every chance to be a part of this marrage with me but Im just tired now. Life is too short. Yes I had an affair which was fallout from a bad marrage. Yes I regret hurting him but no I don't regret the affair because it taught mt what I want out of life and what I don't.if I hadn't of had that affair I'm betting my life I'd be in the same boat as before, not having the confidence in myself to see how unhappy I am and try to change it. I'm not saying I condone cheating, but I think sometimes things happen for a reason, and people come into and leave our lives for a reason also. I want to be with someone who wants the same things as me. Anyway, that's my update.... Him moving out is step 1! Step 2 is getting all my bills payed and being more in control of finances.... I'm nervous about him leaving but I'm also so happy and I feel a weight has been lifted off of me!!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 You cheated on him, he knows about it, and you're going to divorce him because he came home and didn't GAF about your party? Really? Wow. Good lord. Here's the news....I wouldn't either. When you cheat on somebody, you kinda sorta forfeit any sort of footing you might have in the marriage. He's a lot nicer than I would have been. I wouldn't be asking you what's for dinner, because I would have booted you out of the house long ago. All that said, yes...a divorce is in order here. Congratulations on finally summoning up the courage to put that loser out (sarcasm). Lol.... Ok... My affair was way over a year ago!! This wasn't some party!!! It was his sons birthday party sweetie! And not that I have to defend myself, because I dont, but when your husband decides that golf, alcohol, his mother, sports and everything else is more important than your marrage well than I think he forfeited any right to ME!!!! I was a great wife to him, he had no complaints.... As far as I'm concerned he left this marrage way way way before I did!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 I've been following her story for a long time. The bum knows about the affair. Their marriage is a mess and has been long before the affair. She's not over the affair, maybe the affair partner, but not the affair and she's not in love with her husband. She should let him go, that I agree on. Thank you rainbow!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 i'm not sure he even knows. He knows everything....full disclosure....And he cared but still went right back to the way things were....not one thing has changed...nothing....it's like it never happened.....he doesn't give a **** cause we don't have sex.... Link to post Share on other sites
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