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Update on my miserable life!


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 4th January 2005, 11:16 PM   #1
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Update on my miserable life!

Been a few weeks since I checked in here, and let me tell you, things are not getting ANY better. *sigh*

Found out STBex helped his "girlfriend" move over Thanksgiving weekend. What really ticked me off about it was he waited until Tuesday, with Thanksgiving being Thursday, to even ask what the kids and I had planned for the holiday. Since it had been 10 days since we'd even heard a peep out of him, the kids and I made plans to go to my mother's across the state. So....a few days after Thanksgiving he asked to have the kids over part of Christmas break.

Not a problem, I figured out which days my son was working, added in my daughter's birthday, and gave him the dates he could have them. He pitches a fit, saying I had them over Thanksgiving and any court in the country would say he could have them over Christmas. I went on to point out to him that legally, we're not even separated much less divorced yet, so that bird wouldn't fly. I also pointed out that I knew he'd helped the wh*** move over Thanksgiving and that he'd planned that all along, so playing the injured party wouldn't fly either.

He calmed down after that. But everything blew apart on Christmas eve. Son called him to borrow his car charger for his cell phone. Drove him to his dad's apartment at 9:15. Dad opens the door a crack and tells him its in the truck. Son gets charger and gets back in my car. I asked him if dad was up yet, and he tells me his dad was still in his underwear. This from a guy who's up working out at the gym at the crack of dawn? OK, suspicion rises. I drive around the corner to get back on main street, turn my head, and lo and behold, the bit**'s car is parked in the alley behind his apartment!!!

I blew a gasket. Waited til the kids were doing other things then went over and confronted him. Yes, it was totally out of character for me to get so angry, but it was the last straw! I threw things, I screamed. (Probably pretty funny to anyone who might have seen it since I'm all of 5'2" and the STBex stands 6'6") It made me feel better for a while, but soon after I realized that it probably wasn't the smartest thing I've done.

Anyway, I asked for the key to the house back. Of course, he assumed it was because I was afraid he'd come over and do something. Totally not the case. It was just the first thing I could think of that would show him how serious I am. Now the question becomes how do I tell him that from now on he has to knock at the door instead of just walking in? I figure I have to knock on the door to his apartment, so the same should be true at my home, right?
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Old 4th January 2005, 11:44 PM   #2
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I'm a regular LS'er but I'm not familiar with your story..i'm sorry you're going through this...was this wh*re as you put it someone he had an affair on you with?
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Old 5th January 2005, 9:45 AM   #3
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I would definately agree that he has lost the right to walk through your door at a whim. He has moved from the home.

I read somewhere recently where a man had moved out, came back demanding right of use due to co-ownership, and was told by the cops that since he had voluntarily vacated the premises, he would have to leave and work it out in court. That would be in a domestic dispute situation.

Consider keeping your doors locked, and if he breaks in anyway...call the law. If he doesn't like it, tough. It was his choice to have an affair, and his choice to make co-habitation with you impossible.

His affair will eventually play itself out. And more than likely he'll come crawling back when it does, wanting you to take him in. If you are at all open to that, I'd recommend the infidelity plan at MarriageBuilders. It's a good plan for anyone who can hold-their-nose long enough to take a cheating spouse back.

Personally, I'd get the best lawyer I could afford, and leave him eating TunaHelper until the kids have graduated from college. I'd go for spousal support and half his retirement bennies. But that's just me.
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Old 23rd January 2005, 9:32 PM   #4
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Oh, things just keep getting better and better....

Yes, I've got the best lawyer in town, and believe me, while a divorce is NOT what I want, if push comes to shove I WILL get just compensation. Half his inheiritance, half his monthly bonuses (which I want put into college funds for the kids), the house, you name it, I'm taking everything I can get my hands on.

He thought he was being so clever with this affair, thought he was covering his tracks, when in reality, I was the only one in town that didn't know it had been going on for months! And to top it off, the idiot opens the mail that still comes to my house in his name, tears it in half and throws it in the garbage. No, I'm not above "dumpster diving", and have now discovered that he liquidated his 401K in September! Can hardly wait til the attorney gets ahold of that one.....and yes, I put the pieces back together and make copies of everything.

Sound bitter? Damn straight I am. We're to the point now where we don't even talk to each other. There is no way any progress can be made when we don't communicate. I've tried, he ignores. I've gotten to the point where I send very brief emails informing him when basketball games and concerts are and that's it. If he choses to come, fine. I'm cordial, and that's it. It is extremely difficult for me to be nasty to him, though. Can't spend over half your life loving someone and then intentionally hurt them....at least I can't. Even though he's hurt me beyond all comprehension.
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Old 24th January 2005, 11:20 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally posted by b52srock
....he liquidated his 401K in September! Can hardly wait til the attorney gets ahold of that one
I don't think liquidating his assets is going to keep him from having to pay you what he owes you. But you can't get blood from a turnip, so I'm glad you've got a good lawyer. It sounds like it's past time to freeze his accounts up.

Make certain that you take advantage of everything that the law allows. Anything that is qualified as an asset ought to be included in settlement.

Quote:
We're to the point now where we don't even talk to each other. There is no way any progress can be made when we don't communicate. I've tried, he ignores. I've gotten to the point where I send very brief emails informing him when basketball games and concerts are and that's it. If he choses to come, fine. I'm cordial, and that's it.
It might actually be a good thing that you're not communicating. It keeps you from having to live out his drama, and all the hurt that goes with it.

I wouldn't bother to inform him of the kid's activities any more either. It ought to be incumbent upon him to get this information. You are NOT his secretary. Your obligation to him ended when he walked out the door. If he wants a relationship with his children, let him get off his sorry behind and make one.

He's made his bed. If you step back and let him lay in it, he's going to find it's not quite as comfy as he thought it would be.

You don't have to be vindictive either. You can be sweet as pie. He's the one who has to deal with the consequences of his actions. All you have to do is step back and watch.
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Old 24th January 2005, 12:34 PM   #6
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So sorry to hear about your pain. Life can be so hard. The things people are capable of still amaze me. You're entitled to feel angry at being the last to know. Pretty crappy of him. Why can't they just tell the truth?

I hope things work out for you. I know it makes me feel better just to write it all down and get it out. I don't know if my H is on drugs or has someone else. Time will tell!

Debilou
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Old 24th January 2005, 6:56 PM   #7
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People kept always telling me to start a journal. I finally started one last June and it does seem to help keep things in perspective. I add to it at at least once a week but usually more. Be sure to write any good things that happen in your world too, not just the struggles.

Good luck
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Old 3rd February 2005, 2:08 AM   #8
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Boy,

You know sometimes I think about what an A$$ I was 4 years ago. After I pulled my head out, I realized what I had done. You know what I did?

I called my wife and told her she was justified in filing for a divorce, I wouldn't contest anything, except my rights as a father, and I told her why, and then I sat back and waited. She filed, and I responded. But then something happenned to her. I don't know what it was. 5 months later we were back together and I was doing everything in my power to put her first.

Sometimes we're asked back.

But then we're thrown back too.
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Old 3rd February 2005, 10:27 AM   #9
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MA,
This is very new to me. No experience in the divorce area. My H told my mother-in-law he filed Monday.

How soon will I be served? When you file do you have to pay a big chunk of $? Did you and your wife divorce? My STBXH is committing financial suicide. But nothing seems to make him see what he's doing. His OW must be something special!

My STBXH is very self centered, full of character disorders, etc. I know I'll be better off in the long run without him but I would love to know how the story ends. I know it's unrealistic to think of him crawling back after HE filed. Before I knew their was OW I thought he was suicidal.

I'm very happy to hear you and your wife are happy. Life is good. My life will be full of love again. I'm strong.

Thanks, Debi
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Old 3rd February 2005, 11:19 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by debilou
How soon will I be served? When you file do you have to pay a big chunk of $? Did you and your wife divorce? My STBXH is committing financial suicide. But nothing seems to make him see what he's doing. His OW must be something special!
We are in the process of Divorce right now. There is no HUGE chunk of money unless you involve an atty. They'll require a retainer. YOu should speak to one ASAP. Saying he's committing financial suicide is subjective until you have all the facts.
Quote:
My STBXH is very self centered, full of character disorders, etc. I know I'll be better off in the long run without him but I would love to know how the story ends. I know it's unrealistic to think of him crawling back after HE filed. Before I knew their was OW I thought he was suicidal.
Being self-centered is far from a character disorder. When it's overdone it becomes destructive, and can become a form of Narcissism. It's good that you are certain you'll be better off without him. It not only unrealistic to think he'll come crawling back, it's dangerous. It builds false hope, and is based on a personal weakness. When his new relationship fails, he might actually attempt to commit suicide. I know I came EXTREMELY CLOSE on two occasions, when we were separated the first time.

Quote:
I'm very happy to hear you and your wife are happy. Life is good. My life will be full of love again. I'm strong.
Deb, it's just the opposite. She left me a month and a half ago and is now threatening all sorts of selfish, narcissistic harm. I am in trouble, I know it, and I want nothing of any of this.

MA

Last edited by MassiveAtom; 3rd February 2005 at 11:21 AM..
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Old 3rd February 2005, 3:56 PM   #11
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MA,

I don't know how to do the quote thing or I would. I must have misread. I thought you said she asked you back?

Of course it self preservation to believe that he really made a terrible mistake in leaving his wonderful wife and children.

The character disorder slam was from the book "The Road Less Traveled", I understood it to say that people who blame everyone else for everything that is wrong have a character disorder. This explains my H to a tee! He's been fired from a job of 15 years for STEALING!

Yes it makes me feel better to think he has a real problem because he has blamed me for EVERYTHING that he's not happy about. Money, the kids, parental responsibilities, anything and everything was all my fault. In the previously mentioned book it described "neurosis". That's the people who blame themselves for everything that goes wrong. That describes me. For almost 6 months I've been feeling sick, guilty, sad, lonely, a failure, a poor mother, a poor wife, etc. When in reality he was having an affair.

I admit our marriage wasn't perfect, I was lonely when we were married and living together. He never made time for me and boys. When you bring a 3rd party into there's no hope. I'm still in counseling. Raising 2 children by myself. He has NEVER had them for weekend.

His son, almost 15, is the one who told me about the OW. That was something we didn't need. He didn't only abandon me but he abandoned his children. To be with a woman who also has 2 kids. I wonder if he'll be a better father to them?

Anyway, no more whining, I'll be fine one day. I love myself enough to come out of this ok.

Debi
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Old 3rd February 2005, 4:29 PM   #12
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It's not whining, it's coping. Talking about the hurt is the best way to get past it.

Yeah, we were seperated before for a year. I left because I thought she was incapable of ever being supportive of me, which is still true. It was like a month before I left when I strayed. I still know it was a mistake. But I did. I left. I called her about 6 months into the separation and told her about the affair. Told her she should "have all the information". She filed, I responded.....

But she left ME last Dec 18th, forever. As she said to my oldest daughter.

Now she's just mean and cold.. She IS being a little reasonable though. I have to give her credit for that. :::Sigh::: ah well.
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