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Having a hard time dealing with the separation


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Hi all,

After 4 years of marriage, my husband and I have separated. We have a wonderful 4 year old child together. It's only been two months, and I recently found out he is dating a 19 year old he works with (he is 27). My husband demanded that I move out, along with our child, into my parents home. I did this only to alleviate the pressure he was putting on me. He now has the apartment, our car, a scooter we purchased, and all of our furniture. He is still an active father. At this point, I am hurt, sad, and confused. I want what's best for our child. She is the only person that matters at this point, but I can't help but be sad about this. I asked if he wanted to reconcile, but he said he does not love me anymore and he never will. Our marriage was filled with verbal and emotional abuse. My mind is telling me that this is the right thing to do, but my heart is slowly aching. It's gotten to the point to where I am almost obsessing about thoughts of him with another woman. He has lied to me saying he has to work, but he sees her instead. He has gone places with her that I have literally begged him to take me. I found dinner receipts, her shoes at the apartment, some of her belongings.

 

I can't help but wonder if she makes him happier than I ever did?

Is she prettier than me?

Does he like her because she dresses differently than me?

Or because she has bigger breasts than me?

Does he enjoy his time with her more than he did with me because I wasn't outgoing enough?

 

These may seem like silly questions, but these all play around in my mind constantly. I get sick to my stomach and my heart literally aches because of this.

 

Have any of you ever felt this way? What were the ways that helped you get over separation or a divorce? Am I the only one with these feelings?

 

I know my daughter deserves more and I need to be strong woman for her, but I am having an awful time trying to get past this hurdle.

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Chels,

I'm sorry you are going thru this. My situation is very similar to yours. I have been separated for 10 months now and I can tell you, you won't always feel this way. I still love and miss my husband but he is still with his 19 year old girlfriend. We are both 28. The hardest thing for me now is that he is not an active father to our two sons but when he spends time with them she is always with them. It's hard I feel like she is a fill in for "mom"

 

Your separation is fresh and it will take you a while to feel differently. Find yourself a hobby something just for you. Mine is going to the gym. It's my time to myself where I zone everything else out. No kids, no drama, just me time. All the thoughts you are having about the other girl are the same thoughts and fears that ran thru my head. But you have to remember it's not about her and what she has to offer, it's what he is lacking.

 

I know it hurts right now, but I know you will come out on the other side, happier and more confident in yourself. Sorry I don't have anything wiser to add.

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I'm sorry you are going through this. Nothing about it is easy.

 

Have you filed for divorce? Have you demanded support money? Do you work?

 

Ask for half of all assets, maybe all of them... Just as a starting point.

 

Expose to all family.

 

Get busy becoming independent and relying on yourself. Consider counseling for why you would even want to stay when he's abusive. Consider sole custody of your daughter if he's also abusive to the child.

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He doesn't deserve you with his horrible behaviour.

 

He's been quite callous and as there was verbal and emotional abuse you are better off without him .

It's pretty obvious he was cheating on you and as he doesn't want to reconcile you should file for divorce immediately.

 

Show your daughter a better healthier relationship, so she doesn’t witness abuse and think it's acceptable.

 

Don't let this seperation hang and keep you in limbo. You need to grieve the end of your marriage and move on.

 

See a lawyer and get an idea of what your entitled to.

 

The 19 year old is nothing special believe me. Remember he married you and he loved you at one time. Never let a man drag you down and know that there are way better guys out there.

 

But......be decisive and proceed with a divorce or at least a legal seperation.

 

Start socialising

 

Get out to the gym/go walking

 

Meet up with friends

 

Look after yourself

 

Always dress well and look good (especially when you're going to see him)

 

Look happy , smile and be cheerful

 

Don't wallow in pity and give him the satisfaction of thinking he was your life

 

Do fun things with your daughter

 

When he's coming to pick your daughter up, be sure to tell him to be on time because you have to be somewhere at X o'clock

 

You live your life and know that you'll be happy.

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ummm hit him with the child support immediately! That will put him in his place a little bit. The 19 yr old will get sick of the baby mama and kid drama in no time.

 

Plus you have no legal obligation to move out of the house. That should spoil some of his dates

 

Stop being bullied and talk to a damn lawyer for crap sake!!

Edited by madjac74
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Sandylee1,

Thank you so much for your advice. I was doing great at the beginning, but on Saturday, the 15th, we spent the day together at the aquarium for our daughters birthday. He mistakenly called me 'babe' and it was a shot through the heart. I woke up this morning and read your advice and felt a little bit of relief. Thank you!

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I got cheated on, supposedly. I was glad! Who cares? The guy wants something else, lemme quickly get out of your way...is how I think. Go get her and let me get away from you as fast as possible.

 

This is a time for you to think how great your life is gonna be with your child without this guy spoiling it!

 

Never, ever compare yourself to her. Focus instead on enjoying your kid and your life without this guy in it.

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