Is there still any saving ???

[mgutierrez]

This will be my very first post. I really don't know where else to go for advice. Well here is my story.

 

I am 23 years old my husband is 34. We have been together for close to 4 years we've been married for 8 months. I met my husband through a friend when I was 18 I was a single mother, he was a sweet guy was always there for me helped me when I needed it. He was a really good friend. Well we started a relationship about 2 years after knowing him. We moved in together and decided to have a baby while I was pregnant he cheated on me. One night he just didnt come home next day i had all his stuff packed for him to leave. He left the house was gone for 2 weeks. He admitted to cheating we ended up getting back together. After that I would see girls texting his phone (i only mentioned it once he said it was work related whatever.) He would be real protective of his phones I was not the type to snoop or ask too many questions at the time to avoid arguements. We would argue often and he would threaten to leave a lot. I was always holding him back. He has a really bad anger problem, he can make something so small into something so big. He is bipolar. So I would always justify his actions by saying he is sick he didn't mean the stuff he said he is thinking with his head not his hurt. That is why I always pretty much kept insisting to stay in the relationship. Deep in my heart I know he loves me he has always been there for me, he has always been my rock. We have had rocky moments but I love him with all my heart. He is really mean I think all that took a toll on me and I have been suffering on and off with depression.

 

Anyways after my son was born thats when I knew I was in depression and been off and on depression ever since. He ended up going to jail for 11 months 6 months after the baby was born. I told him I would wait for him. I did not go out I stood my ground for a couple of months waiting. 6 months in I started going out with a coworker (girl) we would go out dance have a few drinks, I was not out to date or meet ppl. I just felt like I needed to breathe break my daily routine. I was tired of working mon-fri coming home and taking care of the kids. I never told him I would go out or when I would go out. Like I said it wasn't every weekend and I was not out acting a fool gettiung drunk being sloppy. I did not feel as if it was wrong. My hsband is real jealous and pretty much controlling. He does not like me talking to guys I stopped talking to a lot of my friends and was just all about him. So when I started hanging out with my friend I would not really mention it to avoid a discussion.

 

While he was incarcerated I also seen an ex bf at a store that I had left and we never really closed that chapter in our lives I just disappeared on him and changed all numbers lost all contact. Well he asked me to have lunch and talk he had no idea I had another baby, until he noticed a box of diapers. He asked so many questions and made me feel quite a bit of guilt for leaving him the way I did. I agreed to have lunch. We talked about everything in our lives all that had happened the past 2 years.( I left him and then started the relationship with my now husband.) He never did anything to hurt me we were a really good relationship when we were together and had many things in common. Well I felt for a moment like maybe I would be better with him since I had never expierienced any negative feelings with him. I came to realize I was being selfish when I left him. So there I was now having mixed emotions thinking I should leave my husband and go back to my ex. I told my husban I was having mixed emotions and didnt know if that was what I wanted, Me and my ex then agreed to meet each other at a dance I was there for a bit and left as it then hit me I loved my husband at the time bf. I couldn't see myself with somebody else I could not stop thinking about my husband and the fact that he would say he would change. We had 2 kids and our kids love him I couldnt do that because I was being selfish, and besides I loved my husband. I was just confused about the way he would treat me and I looked at all our problems without looking at all the good. So I ended up cutting all connection with the ex and told him I was going to stay with my husband. Never talked to him again, never felt the need to or anything.

 

All that I kept from my husband. When he got out of jail he gave me multiple opportunities to tell him the truth asked if I had something to tell him or if I was doing something I should not have been doing while he was gone I always said no and never confessed. I was never going to mention anything. We planned our wedding had a beautiful wedding. Everything was going pretty good we then decided to have another baby I ended up getting pregnant

 

4 mths after our wedding he bought me a new phone and messages came up from my backup when he was in jail where my friend asks me what i was doing and if we were going to go out that night. He also seen messages where friends were asking me about my ex. He found an instagram acct that I had while he was in jail, did not find anything incriminating like me cheating or flirting. I had post pertaining to him but did not have any pics of him. Everything pretty much came out the closet. We got into it physically and verbally he left the house.

 

Well since he's been out the house he has not been back. We had our arguements went to marriage counseling. During us being seperated I would ask him if he was seeing anybody else or talking to other ppl, he always said no. Well I found out he lied we would stay together and I found messages on his phone from different girls, girls sending him pics asking him for money telling him they missed him. It was horrible. I felt so broken because now we are really married. Why would he lie? He was really mean and emotionally abusive in the beg of the break up. He kept helping me financially but would call me really bad names it even came to the point that he was telling me to have an abortion. I also discovered condoms in his car. There was just so much evidence showing he was having different affairs. After I discovered all his stuff he claimed he was hurt that he thought he had married a differnt person, We started marriage counseling. He only went with me for one session. He said he would stop talking to the girls we called truce. At the time of the arguements there were so many times he took the cars away from me and left me carless one of those times I asked a male coworker for a ride. He was a cool guy we would talk he always gave really good advice. I never told my husband I would talk to him because I didnt feel as if it was anything bad. The guy never disrespected or flirted with me. The conversations were always really respectful. The arguements with my husband were less but they still occured well when he found out I was talking to my coworker he went crazy and again we were back at zero. I found out about the girls and condoms after he found out about the coworker. SO the whole time we were working things out he was out cheating seeing talking to girls. the truce thing came afterwards as well.

 

After calling truce we pretty much started staying with eachother again I was always at his house we were always together he stopped the relationship with the girls. I stopped talking to my coworker. I had it in me to forgive him and just move on, wouldnt bring all the bad stuff up. I kept going to marriage counseling. Well one night he did not come home. it was 4:30 am and he was still not home I would call he would not answer my calls or texts. I took all my stuff grabbed my kids and left. that was the last straw we had just gone through so much the trust was not there why not come home. That morning I came to work as usual and on my way to work I got a flat my tire busted completely. My car did not have anything to change the tire jack or any of the stuff you need to change it. So at work everybody was trying to help me change my tire letting me use their jacks and other stuff. The coworker i had stopped talking to offered to help me after work to get the tire off and get a spare. My husband had been calling me because he wanted some money he had left in my purse I didnt want to tell him to help me with the tire. I had money to buy a new one. After what he had done me allowing him to help me would've opened that door to conversate and I didnt want that. Well he kept calling and fighting with me. We were able to put the tire on and as soon as I was pulling out the driveway my husband pulled up and went crazy as he had seen my coworker leaving he again took the car away from me put me in his car and was just being verbally abusive saying I was having an affair and i was ignoring his calls because I was having sex with my coworker. Which is absolutely not true!

 

My mom had called me earlier that day to tell me my son had fractured his arm and I needed to take him to the hospital. I was so desperate to get the tire on my car because i needed to get my kid to the hospital. my husband knew I told him. He didnt care he was so angry to see anything besides me being a "whore" He took all the money he had put in my acct and left me without a car, That night i got a ride and took my son tto the hospital he had his bone out so they put it back in place and I went home. The next day I got a ride then caught a cab because he was calling saying he knew what car my friend drove and this and that. There is not anybody at my work that lives around where I live to carpool except for him so then I just decided to grab a cab to avoid any problems. Especially uneccesary problems.

 

After that we ended up getting back together, again working things out until just recently we argued again because of the way he talks to me. He talks to me as if I was nothing like if I was reallly some nasty thing that does nasty ****/ Let me remind you I am 6 mths pregnant! I would never disresespect my baby or my body doing something like that! I love my husband I do and I wouldn't do stuff to hurt him like that. I have done wrong being mean to him after hes mean to me but never disrespected him like that or cheated on him while we have been married. And now for everything he throws stuff that I did when he was in jail in my face saying I was having an emotional affair with my coworker and that I need other guys attention. Through everything he has always helped me financially now he has not offered to help. He gave me back a truck I got under my name that I am still making payments on, it broke down after 3 days of having it all he does is ask me what I am going to do. He says I was always used to him solving my problems and that he is not going to do that anymore. During this past arguement we did not talk for days first time we dont talk or see eachother since we splitup in April. I am suffering with depression and with everything that has been going on I feel like I fall deeper in this black hole. I dont know whats wrong with me I can't control my feelings.

 

Well I feel like he is not helping me standing by me as a husband should. I tell him I am done forcing this or pinning myself on him. He claims he loves me that is why we are still together. But how is our relationship going to be? Is he just going to let mestruggle alone thats pretty much what he is doing I told him I didnt want to be in a relationship where I am alone and I feel alone. I don't feel anything but that angry vibe from him I cant say anything without getting him mad or annoyed. Says he doesnt want to hear my ****, What am I doing? Is this really the end of this relationship. I feel like I have done my part to keep our relationship good. My depression sometimes has me feelig sad or bored sometimes I am just completely empty and I dont feel like he does anything to emotionally support me. I am taking my medication and will be seeing a psych soon he just says that i dont have problems and I should not be like that that he hates I am so weak. I am not weak. I have never been the type to be weak I just cant help the way I feel right now. What do I do? My head keeps telling me to just get away and lose him he will never change but then I think he is sick and again I justify the way he acts, He doesn't understand me so why should I be understanding towards him. Is this a lost case.

[Ronni_W]

mg,

I didn't read all, but I did read some, of it. I think, if you feel that you're caught up in a vortex of negative energy from which there is no other way out, then...well, you need to have some very good arguments for why you're staying there, right? Not based on what was, but based on what is. If you cannot see this particular partnership reaching it's full potential, and cannot see how you can HELP it getting to a point of an upward spiral...then...well, then you already know what you need to do, I think.

 

A different way to assess it is: if someone ELSE was in this exact situation, then how would you counsel them? What do YOU see as the highest, most self-responsible action that they can -- and ought to -- take? I would offer for you to listen to that.

 

Not that it will be easy, necessarily. Sometimes the challenges we face, that will get us to our next level of growth, can be seriously challenging.

But, that may be the point of it.

 

Best of luck.

[mgutierrez]

Thank you. I wouldn't want anybody to be in the situation I'm in my post is super long!! I just didn't want to leave anything out. I don't believe I should be in the relationship each day I get more convinced that we shouldn't be together. I'm starting to feel like he doesn't love me and I need to love myself more. Everyday gets a bit easier!

[qubist]

Thank you. I wouldn't want anybody to be in the situation I'm in my post is super long!! I just didn't want to leave anything out. I don't believe I should be in the relationship each day I get more convinced that we shouldn't be together. I'm starting to feel like he doesn't love me and I need to love myself more. Everyday gets a bit easier!

this relationship is going to kill you literally. the bad thing is that you both love each other but yet are killing each other. you cannot continue in something so dysfunctional and assume something will magically change. you are in an ongoing bad cycle that it gotta end.

you have to stop it now for you and for the sake of those kids. you have a lot of work to do if you wanna be back together which I can see that's what both of you want. you need to leave him now stop you MC and start an IC. plan on being by yourself with kids. if he wants you back make him understand that it won't be the same and that MC will be absolutely necessary. unless both of agree that your R is a mess and had to be fixed you just can't be together.

[Mr. Lucky]

I felt for a moment like maybe I would be better with him since I had never expierienced any negative feelings with him. I came to realize I was being selfish when I left him. So there I was now having mixed emotions thinking I should leave my husband and go back to my ex.

 

As long as you portray this desperate need to be in a relationship, men will take advantage of you. With your husband at 19, considering jumping back to your xBF here and (not sure who's the father) single Mom at 18.

 

You're going to need to figure out how to make it on your own, no small feat with 2 1/2 kids. I'd start thinking about separation and child support, you need to put your kids first and clear of all this drama...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mgutierrez]

I was a single mom over two years. Im not in desperate need to be in a relationship. I can be without my husband and financially be able to provide for all my kids. Going back to the ex bf was a mistake I was confused idk what the hell I was thinking being selfish for sure and thinking maybe I could be better off with him since my husband had caused in my head what I believed at the time was pain. At this time I feel like my husband is just taking advantage of the situation that I really am putting my all in the relationship I love him and want him. I don't need him and he knows that! I don't know how much I can take

I can assure if things don't work out I will not be in a rush or out looking for a relationship that would be the last thing on my mind.