the pit in my stomach

[toon]

I am in need of help! I have been married for almost 15 years but I do not think I can take it anymore. I married my wife because she was pregnant. Although I did love her as a person, I was not in love with her. I hoped that I would fall in love with her give time, but it has never happened. My wife is a good person but I have always had great difficulty with how she expresses herself and her demanding/entitled personality. Although I have tried to talk to her about this issues over the years she does not think she has an issue. About 3 months ago she accused me of having an affair which I was not and have never had. After been accused of this over a few days I finally cracked and told her that I no longer love her. I told her that I have been having this feel over the past 4 years, as I could not bring myself to tell her that it has been 15 years. She talked me into seeing a marriage counselor over the past couple of months, which over course has not worked because he does not know the whole truth. I have also started to see a psychologist to help me deal with my guilt and depression over being in this situation. My wife thinks that I am going to see the psychologist to help with my difficulty in expressing my anger with people, which started since leaving the navy 10 years ago. I explain to the psychologist that I got married with the hope of falling in love but that it never happened. I also explain the great deal of guilt I have over my feelings and that I can’t bare for my son to be hurt. She asked me if I thought I deserved to be happy but I could not answer. She wanted to know why I don’t feel as if I deserve to be happy but I could not tell her why. I feel so guilty about hurting those that I care for that I feel as if I should be prepared to stay in the marriage and pretend to be happy. When I think like this I get so sad which reminds me that I cannot. A big part of me wishes to go back to the moment I told my wife and have told her a different reason for acting the way I had been. If anyone could help me I would greatly appreciate it. I thank you for your time on readying my post.

[KBarletta]

Toon,

I am sorry you are in this predicament, but welcome to LS.

To be brutally honest, you got married for the wrong reasons. Unless you have been an abusive spouse, I would tell you that yes, you do deserve to be happy, but you are unlikely to be happy with someone you didn't love 15 years ago and still don't.

I would recommend moving on, continuing to see your therapist and working through your feelings on this. It is not going to be easy, but not only do you deserve love, so does your spouse. She does not deserve to be with a husband who doesn't love her, and if you leave now, you both have a chance to live a happier life apart.

It is harder with children, no doubt. But if you got married while your wife was pregnant, that means your son is a teenager by now, no? He will deal with this as so many kids do, and be fine, as long as you both make him a priority. I would look into some counseling for him as well, as he is facing a loss as large as the one you and your wife are facing, and he will have emotions he may need help sorting out.

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

It is harder with children, no doubt. But if you got married while your wife was pregnant, that means your son is a teenager by now, no? He will deal with this as so many kids do, and be fine, as long as you both make him a priority.

 

Agree with KB, think you've done the honorable thing by sticking it out until your son is a teenager. As long as you handle divorce/separation with respect and consideration for your STBX wife and son, time to figure out what life holds for you.

 

How much awareness does your wife have of how you feel ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlueIris]

Continue with your therapist and work through why you do not think you deserve to be happy and have anger before making a life-changing decision like divorce that will affect the rest of your life and your kids’ lives.

[ShatteredLady]

You're a family. You've been together for 15 years & experienced so much life together. What do you want from life? What do you think will make you happy? Is there someone that you like & are starting to have feelings for?

I'm just wondering why, after so many years you're planning divorce now? Real life isn't all passion, romance & adventure. Even if it starts that way it eventually becomes 'life' & if you're lucky if that life is nice, rewarding & fun more often than not.

I just worry that you're throwing away something meaningful for a fantasy, an illusion. The grass isn't always greener. Why have you tolerated blah! for 15 years? Do you fully get the pain & distress that you're about to cause?

 

I'm a romantic. I think we all deserve our own beautiful love story but at the end of the day how many people truly get tht for a whole life-time? In a way I'm playing devils advocate. All we have is what you've told us....but 15 years? Why now?

[JTX]

Toon, you are not alone in your experience. I have had “the pit of my stomach” feeling during my own divorce 3 years ago and during my parents divorce when I was 13 years old.

 

I can tell by your concern for your son, and your unwillingness to do anything that might let others down - that you are probably a really good guy. You should know that it is very common for us nice guys to sacrifice our own needs while trying to make and keep loved ones happy. When men like us try to maintain a relationship with a woman who acts overly demanding and entitled, we begin to forget that we deserve to be happy too. Unfortunately, there is much more support and understanding for women than there are for men, so don’t be surprised if the therapist doesn’t understand.

 

You deserve to be happy. If you have a lot of negative self talk and suffer from stress, anxiety or even depression (like I did), and if your open to it - you may find Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now to be helpful. I recommend the audio book and listen to it each day, maybe in the car during your commute to work. He also has some good videos on YouTube. He helped me to recognize the painful thoughts I kept having over and over again. Once those thoughts are tamed you will be more relaxed and you can start to focus on what you want, instead of being paralyzed by what you don’t want.

 

Think to yourself what it would be like to feel fulfilled. What would you be doing, who would you be spending time with, how would they be interacting with you, where would you be, what would you be thinking and feeling? Then decide if you think it is worth the effort to make that happen.

[toon]

Thank you all for all you have said, it all helps. Shattered lady I have been asked by a few people why would I start going through this know. I need to remind people that I did not start this situation as I only told her that I did not love her because she was accusing me of having an affair and I could not lie about my feelings anymore. Yes you are right we are a family and have had many things happen over the last 15 years but the problem I have is that I wanted to fall in love but it never happened. I have talked to my wife on many occasions about the issues I have with her attitude towards life and me, but she says that this is her, love it or leave it. It is hard to be with someone who does not even try to compromise. She is expecting me to say "I love you" at some point in time, but the only way I am going to be able to say those words are as if I lie once again. I do not want to brush this under the carpet to have to go through all of this again in a few years. JTX thank you for your story, it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone. Many of the words you used are he same as my therapist told me. She said that our 15 years of marriage have been driven by my desire to make people happy but in the end I have started to break. I can not and should not try to change my wife's personality as she is right that she is who she is, having said that, this is the reason why I did not fall in love with her. Shattered, I have not yet decided on divorce. I have thoughts about it but my thoughts change from minute to minute, all of the time, everyday. It is like a roller coaster ride from hell. I will be seeing my therapist again this week, I hope she can start to help me. Thank you again all of you!