Riding The Emotion Rollercoaster

[StuckInAHole]

Here is my story if anyone is interested. After everything that happened, I've decided that a divorce is for the best so I wanted to move to this forum.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/534070-devastated-lost

 

 

I'm just trying to cope with all the emotions that are going on with me. Final papers were emailed to me today after sending them back to have minor corrections. I thought that I was starting to move on but printing the papers hit me like a ton of brinks. Suddenly, a deep sense of depression fell upon me. I started reflecting and blaming myself on what I could have done to save the marriage. The only conclusion was there was nothing that I could have done. Knowing that after signing the papers, our marriage will be over within a week. Everything just feels so surreal.

 

 

I cannot implement no contact as my STBXW shares custody of our son. There is still a glimmer of hope in me which may be the cause of such depression. I do not know how to get rid of it. Hearing my phone ring, a side of me prays that it's her and my heart races. I instantly reads the texts just to see comments regarding caring of our son during the time he's in my possession. I don't not know how to not feel this way. After everything that she has done to me, I still love this woman. She has blessed me with a beautiful child and I will always love for her that; however, I know that our life together as a married couple is over. I can never trust her again.

 

 

Just needed to share and write down my feelings. Thanks for reading.

[Majormisstep]

Been there, done that and have the t-shirt to prove it.

 

Stuck, don't wait around for the phone to ring. I did and if he did call it was limited to a child related conversation.

 

We have no choice but to move on. Or so I've been told. It does get a smidge better with time.

[StuckInAHole]

I try to keep myself occupied as much as I can. I pay no attention to my phone but when I do receive a text, in the back of my head I'm hoping it's her. I can't help but feel this way. Yesterday I was completely fine and had a great day. This morning on the drive to work, I felt a sense of anger coming back and the whole betrayal replayed in the head. This is helping me today to continue on without dwelling on the divorce. Just have to take it one day at a time.

[KBarletta]

I try to keep myself occupied as much as I can. I pay no attention to my phone but when I do receive a text, in the back of my head I'm hoping it's her. I can't help but feel this way. Yesterday I was completely fine and had a great day. This morning on the drive to work, I felt a sense of anger coming back and the whole betrayal replayed in the head. This is helping me today to continue on without dwelling on the divorce. Just have to take it one day at a time.

 

I feel your pain, Stuck. And I can understand the compulsion to *want* it to be her when there are calls/texts, etc. I would recommend, though, that you keep any and all communication strictly about your child and keep even those exchanges very brief. If you have no talk of your relationship in these conversations, it will keep you from hoping that something will change.

 

Try to remember - every time you think of her - that she is a cheater and a liar who tried to shift the blame for her cheating and lying on to you. You deserve better. Keep reminding yourself of what she did to you and tell yourself that you deserve better. Someday you will find someone better. In the mean time, concentrate on yourself and your child and building a new life.

[m.snow]

I don't not know how to not feel this way. After everything that she has done to me, I still love this woman. She has blessed me with a beautiful child and I will always love for her that; however, I know that our life together as a married couple is over. I can never trust her again.

 

 

Accept the marriage is over. accept it for what it is. shet happens in life (people get run over or get hit by lightning or eaten by sharks)

 

live knowing that what good came out of this tragedy, was you having beautiful children. he will grow calling you dad.

 

learn that this happens to a lot of families.

learn that children can have a happy childhood even with divorce.

learn to not worry about the children they will find there own way in life.

learn that sooner the children may have 2 fathers just like they may have 2 mothers.

-need co-parenting counseling or divorce counseling to get past this... uhh:sick:

learn to forgive your wife, forgiving does not mean reconciling.

learn to forgive yourself.

learn to believe that there is always a better life after divorce

 

 

Wanna heal fast, my tip. find another woman fast, . just get out there go to clubs bars,have casual relations, casual sex, socialize with women, have ONS and etc.

-its not like your gonna marry impromptu the next girl you meet

-and don't play the "i have children that need to be cared for" card or "the im not social person" card

-children will be taken care of by relatives if need be.

-you have been free'd from marriage it is time to access and tap that freedom. go forth and f* ^_^

[StuckInAHole]

I feel your pain, Stuck. And I can understand the compulsion to *want* it to be her when there are calls/texts, etc. I would recommend, though, that you keep any and all communication strictly about your child and keep even those exchanges very brief. If you have no talk of your relationship in these conversations, it will keep you from hoping that something will change.

 

Try to remember - every time you think of her - that she is a cheater and a liar who tried to shift the blame for her cheating and lying on to you. You deserve better. Keep reminding yourself of what she did to you and tell yourself that you deserve better. Someday you will find someone better. In the mean time, concentrate on yourself and your child and building a new life.

 

Yea the thought of her betrayal really does help with not feeling depressed. This morning started out great. I knew it would be a sad day because I will be signing the divorce papers today. It got worse when I received texts from my STBXW asking about the papers. I know once everything is finalized, I will truly begin my healing process. It's been a little more than 2 months since Dday and some days the feeling is just as intense as day 1. Looking forward to the day when I will no longer feel this way.

 

Thanks for the comment. It really helped.

[StuckInAHole]

Accept the marriage is over. accept it for what it is. shet happens in life (people get run over or get hit by lightning or eaten by sharks)

 

live knowing that what good came out of this tragedy, was you having beautiful children. he will grow calling you dad.

 

learn that this happens to a lot of families.

learn that children can have a happy childhood even with divorce.

learn to not worry about the children they will find there own way in life.

learn that sooner the children may have 2 fathers just like they may have 2 mothers.

-need co-parenting counseling or divorce counseling to get past this... uhh:sick:

learn to forgive your wife, forgiving does not mean reconciling.

learn to forgive yourself.

learn to believe that there is always a better life after divorce

 

 

Wanna heal fast, my tip. find another woman fast, . just get out there go to clubs bars,have casual relations, casual sex, socialize with women, have ONS and etc.

-its not like your gonna marry impromptu the next girl you meet

-and don't play the "i have children that need to be cared for" card or "the im not social person" card

-children will be taken care of by relatives if need be.

-you have been free'd from marriage it is time to access and tap that freedom. go forth and f* ^_^

 

You are correct that the positive from all of this is my wonderful son. Can't stressed enough how much I love that boy. I am in the process of forgiving my STBXW as I do not think about the her betrayal as much. There are time when I still do like yesterday. I have never thought that far ahead regarding my son having multiple parents. I would rather not think about that at the moment as I feel that a bit hard to do at the moment.

 

Thanks for your idea of healing faster but I'm just not comfortable doing that at the moment. I just want to enjoying the company of friends and family to get to a point of being comfortable without my STBXW.

[chew123]

Stuckinahole,

 

It sux but it will pass. As far as the forgiveness thing goes I know most say it is important but no need to rush it. It won't be genuine for a while if ever.

 

You will get used to being without her, we all do. Hanging with supportive friends and family is a good plan and will help.

 

As far as dating other women right away I am not from that school. However I know it has worked for many. But I have met some new women that I hang with and it did help me forget.

 

One thing that's different for me is I do have significant contact with my wife. Since I don't like the person she has become I believe that it helps me. If I was no contact I would remember the good person she used to be instead. Almost every time I see her I see things about her that I really don't like. And I wouldn't take her back even if she won the lottery and begged. FYI I am 10 months in and pretty much enjoying life. Can't say I don't have setbacks though.

 

This will pass and sooner or later you will be enjoying your new life.

[ShatteredLady]

Kids can adapt & do well after divorce or it can haunt & damage them for life. That is something you do have control over! My cousin is 40. He's in therapy. He was 4 when his parents started the most bitter divorce ever! He was told/heard way too much, way too young. He says even now when some relative says "You're so much like your Dad!", "You have your Dads laugh, eyes etc" what he hears deep inside is "You're like your father...a cheating, abusive, horrific human being!".

You don't have to forgive your wife. You don't have to like her but for your son have some respect. She might of been a crap wife who did dispicable things but your son never needs to hear that. For the love of your son think about what you're saying to him & around him. She will always be his mother & his self worth will be effected by every negative he hears.

It's not a competition for his love. He is not a weapon. He will hurt, his parents aren't together but he will be happier growing with the illusion that you are BOTH great, honorable people who love him unconditionally.

[StuckInAHole]

Stuckinahole,

 

It sux but it will pass. As far as the forgiveness thing goes I know most say it is important but no need to rush it. It won't be genuine for a while if ever.

 

You will get used to being without her, we all do. Hanging with supportive friends and family is a good plan and will help.

 

As far as dating other women right away I am not from that school. However I know it has worked for many. But I have met some new women that I hang with and it did help me forget.

 

One thing that's different for me is I do have significant contact with my wife. Since I don't like the person she has become I believe that it helps me. If I was no contact I would remember the good person she used to be instead. Almost every time I see her I see things about her that I really don't like. And I wouldn't take her back even if she won the lottery and begged. FYI I am 10 months in and pretty much enjoying life. Can't say I don't have setbacks though.

 

This will pass and sooner or later you will be enjoying your new life.

 

 

I'm just hoping that once the divorce is finalized, I will no longer hear from her again unless it is regarding our son. A group of friends and I went out yesterday and rented a boat. During that time, my STBXW did crossed my mind for a few minutes. I shrugged it off and continued on my day. Had a great time and wasn't bogged down about my situation. This morning I received a text from her asking if I knew when the divorced will be finalized. I just replied no I do not but I was informed that the process will take about 1 week. Did not hear back from her but that simple message just killed my morning. These are the kind of things I'm trying to avoid but find it impossible at the moment.

 

 

I am surprised that with the amount of contact you're having with your ex wife, you sound like you're doing well. I'm happy for you. My situation is a bit different. I've seen her twice now since she moved out about a month ago. We don't really talk anymore when we see each other except about our kid. Everything just feel nice with no conflict. Seeing her this way reminds me of the girl that I married and not that one that was capable of betraying my trust. That's why having her in my life is extremely hard. On a good note, the improvement I've made is night and day. About 1 month ago, I couldn't function at all and was constantly depressed about my situation. No motivation to go out or do anything beside moping. So that's a good sign that my wounds are healing.

[StuckInAHole]

Kids can adapt & do well after divorce or it can haunt & damage them for life. That is something you do have control over! My cousin is 40. He's in therapy. He was 4 when his parents started the most bitter divorce ever! He was told/heard way too much, way too young. He says even now when some relative says "You're so much like your Dad!", "You have your Dads laugh, eyes etc" what he hears deep inside is "You're like your father...a cheating, abusive, horrific human being!".

You don't have to forgive your wife. You don't have to like her but for your son have some respect. She might of been a crap wife who did dispicable things but your son never needs to hear that. For the love of your son think about what you're saying to him & around him. She will always be his mother & his self worth will be effected by every negative he hears.

It's not a competition for his love. He is not a weapon. He will hurt, his parents aren't together but he will be happier growing with the illusion that you are BOTH great, honorable people who love him unconditionally.

 

 

My son is currently 16 months old so he could not really grasp the situation yet; however, we have parted ways and no longer argue or insult each other regarding anything about our relationship. We both love our son and it shows. I understand that children should not be exposed to the ugliness of divorce and we're going to keep it as such. The divorce will be finalized soon so what she does with her life will no longer be my concern.

 

 

Do I love this woman? Yes. Do I care for this woman? Yes. Will I take her back with open arms and trust her completely. No. As far as I know, she can go and continue the affair and it would not be any of my concern. Sure I would be hurt, but I no longer have a right to comment on the way she lives her life unless it affects my son. This boy means the world to me and I would never do anything that could have a negative effect on him in the future.

[StuckInAHole]

I'm about to leave work in 15 minutes to submit the final divorce papers. A sense of depression just drown me all of a sudden. Can't believe I still feel this way. Hopefully I can pull through with this and not back out. Things are just so real and it all happened so fast. Two months ago was Dday. We tried to work things out but all fell apart 1 month ago. Now the divorce will be finalized with the week. Feeling so exhausted by everything.

[JTX]

StuckInAHole,

 

I read through your story and I can relate. You’re not alone and this kind of behavior from women is sadly very common. How did the paper filing go?

 

When I was going though my divorce I wish I found a forum like this for help and feedback. What a great community here.

 

From what I’ve read it looks like you already know that you should spend time with your friends and family. It is much better to “bleed in public” than to hide your pain in silence. It’s also very powerful to consciously replace those good memories (if they make you long for the past) with memories of her betrayal. As far as being vengeful, I see no value to it. In fact, I think vengeful behavior will only make it easier for her to justify her choice. Be courteous, but keep it short and factual. If she texts you about things not related to your child, do not reply right away. Wait to text back 30 minutes or more, even if you are available. When it comes to your child text back as soon as you can. This will help set a good boundary.

 

By the way, good for you for taking the initiative on the divorce. You obviously respect yourself more than a lot of men, myself included. I waited until my ex wanted the divorce while she was having an affair with a guy from work. When I finally saw the phone records my heart sank and I became numb with disbelief… over 700 minutes of talking to the guy each month for months in a row!

 

As far as ****ty emotions… maybe the following story will make you feel better.

 

I still have a vivid memory one morning recently after she moved out. I just woke up and stumbled into the kitchen. I filled the coffee pot with water and added the coffee grounds to the filter. Then I opened the cabinet to get a coffee cup. I took the cup out and I put it on the counter. Then I reached back to get a second cup. But when I touched that second cup I realized something. That no one would be joining me for coffee. My wife left me for some cocky jerk and I was completely alone. Once I realized that I was reaching for HER cup – I got angry, and nearly through the cup across the room. But I didn’t because my anger faded instantly to loneliness and self-pity. I kept thinking - How could I, the guy who is still thoughtful enough to be getting out a coffee cup for my cheating ex wife, be alone now! I just about keeled over with a tightness in my chest.

 

This kind of crap went through my head over and over again for way too long. Looking back on it I wish I started going to the gym and had my testosterone level checked right after my divorce. I spent too much time feeling depressed and feeling sorry for myself when I should have been winning my life back. I believe the defeat of my divorce actually lowered my testosterone and the depression kept it low.

 

It is going to get easier with time, but if you want to accelerate it feeling slightly angry and using the anger to get assertive (but not aggressive) is better than allowing anxiety and depression to creep in. Being assertive and decisive is also very attractive to women. If you are having trouble with this you may want to get your hormones checked. There are many natural ways to increase your testosterone, sleep, exercise and nutrition is key.

 

Always be on a mission.

[StuckInAHole]

StuckInAHole,

 

I read through your story and I can relate. You’re not alone and this kind of behavior from women is sadly very common. How did the paper filing go?

 

 

 

I was depressed arriving at the office and had to mustered all the courage I had to walk in and deliver the papers. I texted my brother right after to talk about how I was feeling. He was really supportive and offered to take me out at night. I already had plans so I told him I would see him and his fiancé on the weekend and we would do something fun together. He helped me through that day.

 

 

 

 

When I was going though my divorce I wish I found a forum like this for help and feedback. What a great community here.

 

 

 

I'm so glad I found this website. Just knowing that there are people out there that can relate to the pain I'm feeling makes it more manageable. I pretty much come here every weekday during lunch break to read some stories or write about how I'm feeling. Just getting it out there and getting feedback is great. The community here is definitely great.

 

 

 

 

From what I’ve read it looks like you already know that you should spend time with your friends and family. It is much better to “bleed in public” than to hide your pain in silence. It’s also very powerful to consciously replace those good memories (if they make you long for the past) with memories of her betrayal. As far as being vengeful, I see no value to it. In fact, I think vengeful behavior will only make it easier for her to justify her choice. Be courteous, but keep it short and factual. If she texts you about things not related to your child, do not reply right away. Wait to text back 30 minutes or more, even if you are available. When it comes to your child text back as soon as you can. This will help set a good boundary.

 

 

 

I suffered in silence for the first month after Dday because I wanted to work on our relationship and not have anyone judge my STBXW if we ever did reconciled. The pain was excruciating and more painfully than any physical pain I have ever felt. After opening up about my problems, the weight started to lift off my shoulders. To anyone who is going through infidelity, definitely talk to someone or else it will just eat at you slowly. You are correct that I do reflect on the good memories and that's one reason it's so depressing. I also reflect on the betrayal and that helped me through some days knowing that she was capable of doing such things really put a lot into perspective. I will take your advice on waiting to text back if it's not relating to our son.

 

 

 

 

By the way, good for you for taking the initiative on the divorce. You obviously respect yourself more than a lot of men, myself included. I waited until my ex wanted the divorce while she was having an affair with a guy from work. When I finally saw the phone records my heart sank and I became numb with disbelief… over 700 minutes of talking to the guy each month for months in a row!

 

I'm sorry to hear that and I know exactly how it feels to find phone records of the wife's communication with the OM. I have decided to have the divorce and had to get new phones. She had already moved out and I told myself I would no longer look at the phone record because she was no longer my concern. Curiosity got to me and I ended up looking. Found out that they started texting again. Broke my heart all over but I did not bring it to her knowledge. I had to learn to let it go and I did. During the first month trying to reconcile, I constantly checked and monitored her actions. It was exhausting and it was not a life I wanted. After deciding not to snoop any longer and move on, I truly started to heal after that moment. I was able to start function at work again without worrying about is she talking with the OM.

 

 

 

 

As far as ****ty emotions… maybe the following story will make you feel better.

 

I still have a vivid memory one morning recently after she moved out. I just woke up and stumbled into the kitchen. I filled the coffee pot with water and added the coffee grounds to the filter. Then I opened the cabinet to get a coffee cup. I took the cup out and I put it on the counter. Then I reached back to get a second cup. But when I touched that second cup I realized something. That no one would be joining me for coffee. My wife left me for some cocky jerk and I was completely alone. Once I realized that I was reaching for HER cup – I got angry, and nearly through the cup across the room. But I didn’t because my anger faded instantly to loneliness and self-pity. I kept thinking - How could I, the guy who is still thoughtful enough to be getting out a coffee cup for my cheating ex wife, be alone now! I just about keeled over with a tightness in my chest.

 

This kind of crap went through my head over and over again for way too long. Looking back on it I wish I started going to the gym and had my testosterone level checked right after my divorce. I spent too much time feeling depressed and feeling sorry for myself when I should have been winning my life back. I believe the defeat of my divorce actually lowered my testosterone and the depression kept it low.

 

It is going to get easier with time, but if you want to accelerate it feeling slightly angry and using the anger to get assertive (but not aggressive) is better than allowing anxiety and depression to creep in. Being assertive and decisive is also very attractive to women. If you are having trouble with this you may want to get your hormones checked. There are many natural ways to increase your testosterone, sleep, exercise and nutrition is key.

 

You story did help.

 

 

Always be on a mission.

 

Knowing that you can relate makes me feel like I'm not alone. Thanks for the comment and feedback.

[StuckInAHole]

One step forward and ten steps back.

 

 

I made a mistake two days ago and it was a huge set back for me. Two days ago, it would have been our 2nd year anniversary. I had a huge urge to contact her, and I was depressed for pretty much the entire day. I stayed in contact with family and friends and they all recommended that I should stick to NC. I did just take and was about to head to the gym later in the evening and my phone beeped. I received a text from her saying how she was struggling with the day since it was our 2nd year anniversary and that she missed me and still loved me. She also said that her sending the text wasn't to get back with me but just to let me know how she felt.

 

 

I was stupid and responded to the text and said that I missed her as well. We decided that I would bring some food to her place and have dinner together. One thing led another and we ended up having sex. After that, we cuddle on the bed and talked about what do we considered this relationship. We both stated that we both still loved each other but not sure what this thing that we have really is.

 

 

Since that day, she is constantly on my mind. She also occasionally texted me with small talk which I tried to be nice and kept it short. Usually exchange a total of 10 messages total between the both of us.

 

 

Nothing really changed with her situation and I know that this will lead nowhere. I reminisced about how I felt a few months ago and I do not want to visit that feeling again. The devastation and constant monitoring of her action was stressful and exhausting. I just have to start back from square one and fight the urges. Any tips on overcoming this setback?

[Clay]

I know its hard man but your going to have to stop responding to her when its not important. Your right your only punishing yourself. She has her cake and she is eating it to. She should miss you. She is the one who threw your marraige away. That is part of the consequences of her actions. I think If I was you I would print off the 180 and read it daily.

 

Might not hurt to go get out and hang out with friends to help get her off your mind. It takes time.

 

C

[StuckInAHole]

Clay,

 

 

Thanks for your words. I was doing really well but it was that supposed special day that got to me. I caved in a moment of weakness. Time to try again to move on.