What am I doing?

[Thatsme]

First my background story. I'm 31 married (legally separated) for 10+yrs together with my husband for 12yrs. We have two children 7 and 9. We were a great couple I ended up marrying at 21 and moved 19 hrs away from everything I knew with the understanding that we would move back after he got out of the military. When his time was up 3 yrs into the marriage he said that we weren't moving. I started resenting him bc of that. I had stopped school and given up everything bc I loved him and wanted to support him in his career and thought he should do the same. I told him my issues and specifically said if this, this and this doesn't change I want a divorce. It had been 5 yrs into the marriage by then. I wasn't happy and he wasn't changing. I felt like he judged me and my family and God forbid if I didn't share the same pov as him. He's always right even when proven wrong. Anyways fastfwd to 8 yrs married I cheated on him with two guys. At first I was so ashamed and felt remorse over it but then I was angry and felt that he drove me to do it bc I felt trapped and he wasn't changing. I told him he wasn't the man I married when in reality he was the man I married, I just wasn't the same naive 21 yr old. I told him I wanted a divorce and to move back to my hometown. We ended up separating but we lived under the same roof for four months bc I was waiting on my kids to finish school. We tried counseling but truthfully it was s halfhearted attempt at it on my side. I then moved back to my hometown had a job and a good life and went on like this for 3mos. Then my husband moved back to his hometown which was 3hrs from mine. We decided to get back together. So we did it wasn't a true attempt on my side again. I hate hurting him and to keep the peace. In that time I started texting someone. I hadn't cheated on him since that first time. It was 4mos after getting back together. I moved back with my parents and found another job. I did this for 2 mos and in the mean time my husband moved to my town we ended up getting an apartment together for financial reasons. We kept on talking about getting back together and I thought about it for a while and decided that I really needed to give us an honest shot for us, for the kids. So we got back together. It's been about 5 mos. no cheating no texting but I still can't shake the feeling that I don't want to be with him. We have good days, he's a great friend but it's like I can't see him as anymore. The issues we've had are still there. He still talks down to me, treats me like a kid. We disagree on finances. Sex, forget it. I don't want him to touch me. When we do it I tell him no kissing, minimal foreplay and I try to suppress the urge to smack his hand away when he touches me. Oh and he knows I cheated on him. I kind of wish that him finding out would make him want to get s divorce but it didn't. I guess after that long story my question is, how long do I wait to see if the feeling passes and turns back into the love it used to be. Or hell love of any kind? It's lonely and he deserves to have a wife that wants to be with him.

[BadWife]

Thatsme - my situation is similar, except we don't have kids and my husband doesn't talk down to me. He's actually wonderfully kind and supportive. He wants to be with me despite my flaws and even after I cheated. I told him he deserves better and he said he wants me. I see him as a friend, family even, but I don't feel anything romantic towards him. I too wonder if those feelings can come back, or am I just wasting his time. Sorry I don't have any advice for your just commiseration.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Oil & water don't stay mixed, no matter how much you try. Eventually the oil will be repelled by the water. You guys are not compatible on the atomic level.

[Adam777]

There are similarities with my situation. We are older than you guys, no kids and no cheating. I don't want to be intimate with her but like her a lot and see her as a friend.

 

I am the one instigating the divorce due to years of verbal and emotional abuse. Last week I asked for a divorce for the third time, the first two times I took her back (she didnt take it seriously till the second time as it happens, classic abuser mentality in that she saw nothing wrong with her behaviour and I was simply 'too sensitive').

 

You know its not right and you dont want to be with him, but for the sake of the kids (and anyone else maybe?) you feel you should be in a relationship with someone you dont want to touch you. Not to mention him being right all the time and the financial disagreements.

 

I think of my situation like this. My wife is two people, she is a wonderful, caring, thoughtful person and an absolute control freak who will instill in me the fear of god for not putting the recycling items correctly into the recycling box or thinks its okay to get very mad when I refuse, at the last minute, to change long standing plans (held for five months) for a 3 hour sporting event because she feels it is better to do something else for those three hours (leaving me furious at her audacity for the event I'd been looking forward to for months). To this day she sees nothing wrong with her behaviour that day...these are just two examples.

 

Whilst I can live with the wonderful person I can no longer live with the abusive controlling person...which means I have to leave both of them or lose myself and my identify and sense of self worth for the rest of my life.

Edited July 29, 2015 by Adam777

[sandylee1]

I don't see that there's anything worth saving TBH. He doesn't see you as an equal and you can't stand his touch. Agree to coparent and just know it hasn't worked out for you both. Life's too short to live like this. It's also not good for kids to see this unloving relationship. They have a greater chance of being dysfunctional.

[tamcat]

OMG. There are more people like me out there! I just wish I had a crystal ball and some kind of a personal adviser (who is ALWAYS right!) to help us make the right decision. We have a young boy in the equasion, which makes things more complicated, but I think when you know deep down that it's over, nothing anybody says or does can change that. And I honestly have no idea how one is supposed to get the spark back or beat a dead horse back to life.