cjc Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I am staying in my marriage through guilt. I don't want to hurt my children and my husband is totally dependent on me, though I have tried to set boundaries with this. He suffers from depression and has stayed in bed, other than go to work, for the last 2 +years. He does not do any household chores or pay any bills. I am responsible for everything inside and out, you name it. One of the first boundaries I set was having him be responsible for getting his own medication from the pharmacy. Needless to say, he started to run out of medication and I refused to get it for him. He now does not take anything for his depression. I do not want to be his caretaker anymore, but if I leave he wont be able to afford the house and car payment himself. If he leaves, our children will suffer because there will not be much money left over for extras. I am at my wits end. I am not blameless here, do not get me wrong. My inability to express my feelings do to negative comments or any conflict at all has led me here. Through therapy, I have learned to express feelings in a healthy manner, but it falls on deaf ears. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 You reference your own therapy, but my question is - what about your husband? It sounds as if he is badly in need of therapy as well. I assume that if he has been on medication, he has seen a professional for help with his depression at some point. Is he still? If he is not getting out of bed except for work, that is extremely unhealthy and unsustainable and has to be addressed with a professional, especially if he has stopped taking prescribed medication. I would suggest joint counseling for your marital issues and individual counseling for him as well. He needs to address his depression, and until that happens, I don't see how anything good could come of this for your marriage. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cjc Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 He went to one session the beginning of last year. He often complains about having no happiness in his life and I have mentioned therapy numerous times. He doesn't want to go and frequently tells me if our relationship was better he would be better. I do tell him that he is the one in control of his happiness and that others can't do that for him. I also mention that he needs to change in order for his life to be better, but doesn't do anything to help himself. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Hmmm ... why did he stop going? If he is blaming the state of your relationship for his depression, then I would start by telling him that you need to go to couples counseling. Chances are, if he expresses the same sentiments in those sessions, your counselor is going to push him to enter individual therapy, where he can deal head-on with his depression. Its a chicken-and-egg argument to say his depression is due to your relationship. One may feed into the other, but you need to deal with both. Link to post Share on other sites
Majormisstep Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 The vows spoken "til death do us part" are really being tested in your situation. I'm not one to advocate long-suffering or codependency in a marriage..and sounds like you are knee deep in one of the two scenarios. His blame shifting is a copout or a symptom of the depression but at the end of the day, both parties carry a responsibility in the M. Sometimes doing with less makes for a far happier family unit (meaning minus one depressed husband if he refuses counselling). This is not just your cross to bear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) I would try phone counseling. He can do that in bed. You can bet if you divorce him he'll get a job. P.S. Also I would watch out for alimony. As the breadwinner you would have to pay him. Make sure he isn't malingering for money. Edited July 28, 2015 by loveboid Link to post Share on other sites
Author cjc Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 I do make more money than him, but with my deductions (medical insurance, car and home insurance, student loans) I actually bring home about the same as he does. I have thought about having to pay alimony and have also been working on getting my student loans down to a more manageable level. And yes, I have all the characteristics of a codependent which is why conflict situations send me into panic mode, to the point of not being able to function. So, I try to avoid conflict at all costs because if I can't function, my kiddos would suffer tremendously. Link to post Share on other sites
starglider Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I am in a similar situation with my H, but I am now in a trial separation. The truth is, the separation has been very good for him. He is now working full time at the business we started (it was easy for him to move to this building during separation too). We are in MC and he is on anti-depressants. I go to IC and CODA (Codependents Anonymous). The negative aspect is that with his depression "lifted" to a degree, now a huge amount of anger has surfaced in him and it is all being directed toward me. I can't ask him a neutral question without him rolling his eyes, acting sarcastic, bringing up past faults of mine, and insulting me, even though it is totally unrelated to the topic at hand. I think it is old childhood pain coming up and I'm the target. I know my H needs individual therapy and hope he gets it or I don't see a future with him, despite his improvements. In your case, you probably know you are staying in out of guilt and you likely have learned that this is a codependent tendency. You will need to do a lot of personal work on yourself to have the strength to leave him. I still am not there 100%. With all of my H's faults, there was still a feeling of partnership with him and that we were each other's "soft place to fall." It is tough to stand on your own two feet. My advice to you is to start working on yourself and get yourself strong. Then the next step will become more clear. It won't be easy, but you are doing a good job starting to set boundaries. Learn about what makes you feel whole as a person and address whatever hole you feel you may have inside of yourself for putting up with such a difficult relationship for so long. You can do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cjc Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 I completely understand about your H bringing up past faults in every discussion. Mine does this as well and while I agree there are many aspects that I need to work on, he puts the responsibility of his unhappiness on me. If I would change, then he could change. He mentions that the things I complain about are insignificant issues and that our relationship should be the number one thing. It is hard for me, however, to express love when there clearly is none. I feel resentful and anger toward him most of the time, which is not fair to him, but I feel this none the less. I am happy that your husband has made some changes and that you still feel some compassion towards him. I wish you luck with your future! Link to post Share on other sites
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