Confused Husband in Dilemma: Love, or Happiness?

[Gunslinger360]

OK, I'm gonna cut to the chase here.

 

For around a month or so, from just after Halloween until the day before Xmas Eve, I went down to Florida to visit my stepmother and work for a lil while to make some money; I can't find a job around here in NW GA, we're starving for good jobs. Anyway, I had to leave my wife here to do that, and I called as frequently as possible. When I came back, my world had turned upside down. I spent most of my time bumming around the house waiting for her to come home from work or hanging out with this guy Logan that she works with and mentions in every other breath. I was hungry one morning when she came home from work on third shift and wanted to go with her because I figured she would go pick up Logan from work and eat breakfast with him as she usually does. She said, "No, this is me and Logan's 'special time'. There are things you can cook here."

 

When he called to let her know he was ready to go, she lit up like a Xmas tree--she was like a different person. I've rarely ever seen her so happy. I wanted to die right there.

 

She tells me she's not cheating on me (or as she puts it, "I ain't f**kin' 'im"), and I want to believe her, and I think I do, but I don't know. She claims that "I have friends, and I'm not going to get rid of them for you". Like I'm jealous--which I'm not. I'm tickled pink that she has friends to do things with now, but I've been gone a month, and I'd like to spend some time, even if it's just the morning, with the wife that I've missed so much. I initially didn't even want to go south because I knew how much I'd miss her. But I needed a job, and that was that.

 

When I came back, I felt like I'd come home to the wrong house. I felt like...I wasn't welcome anymore. She was so cold to me, and seemed to enjoy Logan's company so much more than mine...I got the feeling that even though she wasn't knocking boots with him, she'd rather him than me. She wouldn't kiss me, tell me she loved me, or really even just touch me. She was coolly hateful. I began to feel like a pet that's allowed to buy its own groceries, or a roommate. Then she opened up to me, finally, in an outburst.

 

She told me that I should have called more often. That's it. A month. I called as often as I could, but she managed to plan me out of her life altogether in a /month/ or two, her love of me tapering down to an ember and fizzling out completely, uncaring whether I came home or not. I missed her, I told her then, and /still/ miss her. I love her to death--I can't even describe it here. I broke down like a match house and apologized, even though I knew I'd called even when it got me in trouble, late at night when the beep of the cordless going back to the cradle woke my stepmother and her fiancee up, after my wife had awoken but before she went to work--the only time I could catch her. I was gone to work when she came home at 5-6 AM. I made it a rule to call her on her days off, dashing home from errands and meals to call.

 

Now, she tells me that life was so much better when I was gone, because she didn't have to let me know every detail of her life (where she was going to go get drunk and do meth), or be her shadow everywhere she went (spend a lil time with her--go on a date, maybe?). She enjoyed life a lot better without me. So I told her I'd move out, and started gathering up bags to put my clothes in. She stopped me (I still don't know why) and after a complicated series of conversational hurdles, basically told me I was too much of a homebody for her, and antisocial. Which is bullshxt, because I like a good time as much as anybody. There just isn't much to do around here like that (we live in a backwoods mill town), and I know it. Unless you like to bowl or watch movies, you're just stuck at home or forced to go get drunk at Some Guy's House. And I don't drink, outside of the occasional coffee thing at Applebee's.

 

After that, she stood there and told me that while she still loves me, she's just not IN love with me anymore. My brain turned to mush, and I don't remember much else, other than crying until I had a migraine and moving to my mother's with eyes so red they glowed in the dark.

 

Since then, we've reconciled a bit over the phone, a piecemeal repair of jagged edges and wrinkly Scotch tape. I still love her like the Discovery Channel loves sharks, but I can't get a straight answer of whether she still wants me and, really, whether she even still loves me. When I ask her if she wants me to come back, she asks me if I want to come back. Of course I do, that's obvious, no, I asked her whether she wants ME back or not. She's the one that has excluded me from her life for being gone for a month on a job trip that /she/ encouraged me to take! (As I write this, that gives me suspicions now that I think about it.)

 

When I broke down after she admitted craving single life, she told me she was sorry and cried with me a little, but now and then as I lie awake at night, I wonder if it was just a performance. She has admitted to cheating on previous beaus.

 

But all in all, after the math, I still love her and want to come back, but I find that I actually somewhat enjoy myself alone as well (I get to sleep on an actual bed here, and not a smelly couch), and my mother, other than telling me she never trusted my wife anyway, tells me that my wife is really nasty. I'll be the first to say Yeah, my wife isn't the cleanest person when it comes to our house (it was hers before I moved in, has always been filthy, and according to her continues to BE hers alone, and continues to be filthy with three wife-beloved cats that go in and out through a broken window) (she has great personal hygiene, but I have to put on shoes when I leave the couch), but I have so far been blind to it in the name of love. Even the lack of hot water was water under the bridge because I loved my wife and wanted to be with her even if it meant having to take sponge baths with boiled water in a big steel kettle. A friend I met in Florida called the house today to say hi, and my wife discovered from him that I talked about her all the time. I told her when she called me about him "See? I missed you so much. I couldn't call you every day, but I thought about you all the time."

 

But now, in the face of this new cold-fish hostility, I find myself more and more unwilling to go back every day. She seems to dread having me back and I dread living in filth again, but I love her more than life itself and neither of us wants to give up on our relationship, as raggedy as it may be.

 

Should I go back to her house and pick my way through the mountains of packrat garbage in the name of endless love, or stay where I am in clean, healthy surroundings and face the black void of loneliness, pushed out of my own life by Logan, wormy cats, and tequila? My mother tells me there are other fish in the sea, but I married this girl for a reason. She is my best friend, or so I thought last October.

 

Should I stay, or should I go?

[VivianLee]

You wrote several lines of why you shouldn't stay....and one line of why...

 

 

but I married this girl for a reason. She is my best friend, or so I thought last October.

 

Should I stay, or should I go?

 

Read your thread again....I think you answered your question!!

[Ladyjane14]

Listen to your Mama. Sometimes, when we're too close to the problem ourselves, it's best to give extra credence to the advice of our loved ones.

 

"I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is total BS. Sometimes it means 'I don't want to hurt you, but I'm not in love with you'. And sometimes it means 'I'm too effed-up to know what I feel'.

 

Until she gets some help for her alcohol and meth problems, tell her that you are off the menu. And if it's not soon, then let her go. This girl needs to EARN her way back. She won't be worth a sh*t to you if she doesn't.

 

You don't mention children. If you have some, get them out of there. That's no way for a kid to grow up.

 

p.s. How does she figure she should have "special time" with men who are not her husband? On what planet is that okay???

[Gunslinger360]

We don't have any children, but I know I don't want to raise any in such an environment. I want my kids to have parents that love each other openly, and to live in a nice big clean house. My wife is a seamstress, and tends to drop straight pins in the floor. I've had to pull them out of my feet numerous times, which is why I keep a pair of sandals on hand. Or on feet, as the case may be.

 

Yeah, I've thought about what my mother's said, but it's so hard to let go of someone I've loved so much, y'know? My mother mentioned a therapist I'm thinking about going to talk to.

 

Thanks for replying so fast! :-) It's nice to see helpful people in a public forum. You know, my mother mentioned that thing about "special time". Yeah, what's that crap about? I can understand the need to get out of the house and socialize perfectly, but what I don't understand is the need to exclude me, especially when it's an outing with one guy. That's BS, I think. Maybe it's just jealousy talking, but.

[Gunslinger360]

I see I left a bit of information out the first time. We're both fairly young--I'm 23, she's 20. We were married Halloween of last year.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Gunslinger360

Yeah, I've thought about what my mother's said, but it's so hard to let go of someone I've loved so much, y'know?

 

Run, honey. It's easier to "let go" now, then 20 years from now. Or even 5 years from now, for that matter.

 

You can't reason with someone who is abusing alcohol or who is using street drugs. There's no point in trying. They have to hit rock-bottom before they'll consider getting help. (That's a place that you don't want to be at the tender age of 23, I promise you. )

 

Who knows, you might be missing a better opportunity to meet someone wonderful while you're waiting for this one to grow up and be somebody. Don't waste your time, or your youth. RUN NOW AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!!

[Devildog]

Don't take this the wrong way, but I actually am unsure if this post is on the level or not. Your posts make you seem reasonably well educated. It is clear, concise, and

a piecemeal repair of jagged edges and wrinkly Scotch tape. I still love her like the Discovery Channel loves sharks

isn't the typical writing style of most people who have to go away for a month to work some job for awhile and lives in a trailer park.

 

That said, why are you having trouble finding a job? It seems like you should be able to find something worthwhile in your area. And why are you wasting your time with a meth head alcoholic who can't even take a shower once in awhile? Get out of there quickly.

[Gunslinger360]

I don't live in a trailer park, but I had to stay in one when I was working in Florida--lol. Yes, my post was on the level, most definitely.

 

The job situation here is messed up. You're pretty much out of luck unless you're a RN or a welder or a long-haul trucker, and I really have no passion for any of those three. I saw something in the newspaper today, but when I called, they said they wanted a woman for the job. D'oh!

 

The job in Florida was nice. Day laborer, moving 20-lb bricks by hand. 15 dollars an hour for 5 hours of work a day. Boy, those 8 hours worth of work were compressed into 5, though, I'll tell you. But the cost of living down there was so high I didn't get to bring much money home.

 

I am trying to write a novel, really. Several, in fact, I have files and files of creative overflow on my computer.

[Devildog]

What is your background as far as education? Could you move somewhere and start a better life where there are more opportunities? Nothng but a skanky meth junky tying you down, and since she has Logan for a special friend, go for it.

[Owl]

Wow...two in one day. Take a look at another recent post on this same forum where the husband said "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".

 

Dude...your wife is having an affair. It's definitely an emotional one, and almost certainly a physical one by now as well. That phrase is almost always the perfect "tell tale" sign of an affair. Given what you've described of her relationship with Logan...there is absolutely no reason to believe anything else.

 

She's not going to admit to having an affair, unless you flat "catch" her at it. And you need to decide before that what you're going to do about it. You're not foolish...again, you seem like an intelligent, well-educated person. So plan out what you want to do, and be ready. Then...catch her at it. Take a day off work and follow her when she goes with Logan...money says that they're not going out to breakfast, but back to his house for it.

 

Until she gets him out of her life completely, you'll always be second place in her heart. That's the nature of an affair most of the time. She's enamored with him...and can't see you at the moment. Read "The Five Languages of Love"...just the first few chapters...one of them talks about the difference between "love" and "in love"...and is very relevant.

 

Start counseling, start looking for what she's getting from him that she's not getting from you...but only if you feel there is enough left of your marriage to reconcile.

 

Good luck friend...and keep us posted!

[Gunslinger360]

I think I want to stay gone. Even the cats take precedence over me, and I'm tired of feeling like an afterthought. And I certainly don't want to have and raise kids in an environment like this. I'm not going to pick straight pins out of my baby or fish what the cats dragged in out of the baby's mouth.

 

Someone raised an interesting point with me today. My wife says she does meth, but tells me she eats it. Now someone tells me, from talking with actual meth users, that you don't eat meth to abuse it. So what /is/ she doing? You can eat cocaine.

 

In any case, I want a healthy place to raise children, and a healthy, happy wife to do that with, and this isn't it. I just don't know how to do this...to initiate this separation.

[Ladyjane14]

Good for you....and I don't say that lightly. I'm usually all out for people working it out and staying together, but sadly, in your case, I don't see it happening.

 

Try starting another thread asking for legal advice. There are a few people who post here that might be able to give you some ideas. It's kind of slow on the weekends, so be patient in waiting for replys.

 

Try using your search tool for sites on divorce like http://www.divorcenet.com/. I know you don't have alot of money, but some lawyers will give a free consult, so make some phone calls and ask some questions.

 

Keep your chin up. It'll be rough going for awhile, but it WILL get better.

 

[Owl]

I've just re-read your entire post. I've got to say, I'm normally a "stay and work it out" advocate. But in this case, it sounds to me like the two of you haven't had time to START your relationship out the right way. You don't have any good times to look back on and use to say "I wish we were still like that".

 

You really should start looking at what your options are. The poor housekeeping, meth/alcohol issues, and her wavering attention to Logan all add up to something that doesn't sound like you wanna keep. It doesn't sound to me like you've ever had anything to re-build now.

 

Good luck friend!

[SoleMate]

Some thoughts for you:

 

1) Your W is definitely having an affair with Logan - be it EA or PA, the net result is that you feel pushed out of your own marriage (not to mention the cats)

 

2) You say you love this woman - but WHY?????? She sounds like a trashy idiot - and I am truly sorry to have to say this to a man who loves his wife, but based on your own words, it is the only reasonable conclusion

 

3) Substance abusers are typically TERRIBLE partners - unreliable, destructive, reckless. Your W fits this bill to a T

 

4) I think you were both too young. You did NOT do a good job picking a partner, and your W didn't do a good job of being a person that someone else could reasonably be married to

 

5) There isn't much water under the bridge yet. You are so young! Why not divorce her (I'm sure she won't disagree), then move somewhere with good job prospects and also available women who are more your type. Wait to really KNOW one well before you fall madly in love. Avoid the ethanol and meth user/abusers.

 

BTW - I really like your writing. Very catchy and readable. Please keep posting.

[betty garcia]

hello gunslinger360,

 

just read you post and was very impressed with your writing skills. you are very creative,and talented. one of my hobbies is to read,and i knew from the getgo that there was more to you than just your trailor park sob story. just kidding.

 

from what i've heard so far about your marriage,i think you should consider moving on for now. you can't make someone love you. your wife seems to have many issues she has to work out. you are young,and seem to have your writing talents going for you. you should concentrate on what you need and want at the moment. it is time for you to be selfish for once. marriage should be an equal partnership. your wife does not seem to want to improve herself or the marriage,so that is 2 strikes against her. the 3 one is logan. you should not even stress over him being with her,he is doing you a big favor in the long run. you know what strike 3 means. she's out for good.run,don't walk,just get to the cleanest place possible.

 

solemate,ladyjane,and devildog have given you some good advice:please follow as instructed. you will be a healthier soul for it.

 

hope to see your great work in novel someday. take care.

[Gunslinger360]

Well, it's official; we're finally not an item anymore. I've moved out. She has been very apologetic, sympathetic, and helpful about the whole thing, and wants to remain the best of friends, but I feel like I've had the rug pulled out from under me. I know some of you may or may not believe my story, considering how well-spoken I am, and at this point I don't really care. I was up all morning the other day wanting to walk down to the hospital and jump off the parking garage. Regardless of what was wrong with this woman, she was always my best friend (which goes to show you how the rest of my social life has turned out) and now I feel naked and worthless, left with half of what I was. I'm going to ask around about therapy, but if there's anyone online, I sure could use a talking-down tonight.

[Devildog]

Gunslinger, I know the feeling you are going through. I hate to admit it but I too felt like ending my own life when I was going through it.

 

It's an addiction, that is what love is. It takes a bit of time for your head to clear and realize how much better off you can be after you are free. Don't do anything rash. From what you told us, she definetly isn't worth taking a dive off a building over.

 

Don't contact her at all. Don't answer her calls. No contact. If you are not feeling better about yourself in a month or two I would be amazed. Just hang in there and be strong.

[Gunslinger360]

Thanks. :} It's really good to know people care.

[SoleMate]

gunslinger, I am so sorry about the pain and hopelessness you are experiencing right now. You have lost a very important person in your life. Despite her undoubted problems, she did meet some of your emotional needs at some points in time, and now you know that even this has been taken from you.

 

Keep posting here, as much as you like. I will keep my ears perked so I can respond.

 

I'm not sure that right now is the time for me to post the "upbeat" messages. But let me know if/when you are ready for them.

[whichwayisup]

I'm going to ask around about therapy, but if there's anyone online, I sure could use a talking-down tonight.

 

I think you're doing the right thing by walking away...Either way it is painful...But more painful for you to stay with someone who obviously doesn't deserve your love and respect.

 

Feel free to PM anytime if you need an ear.

 

Right now the best thing is no contact with her. Neither of you can handle a friendship of any sort. Too much emotion involved and it would just prolong the closure and emotional healing that has to take place.

 

Hang in there babe. Time is on your side!!

[Ladyjane14]

I agree with the others regarding No Contact. It's going to take some time for you to feel better. Her presence, in any capacity, is a hindrence to that.

 

Be prepared. She's still going to want to slop her emotional problems off on you, particularly as she begins to realize that you are not coming back. Don't give her opportunities to do it. Your healing progress will be set back every time.

 

If you can set up an intermediary to handle legal details, that would be the best choice. Let her know that you will NEVER respond to emails or voice messages that are emotional rather than business.

 

The hurt will fade. It's a process to let go of someone that you loved. It'll take time, but you can speed it along by concentrating on your future.

 

If you take just one baby-step every day to rebuild your OWN future, it'll get better. Maybe today, you'll re-write your resume. Maybe tomorrow, you'll explore a new hobby. Maybe the next day, you'll make some phone calls in an effort to further your education. (I agree with the others that you would make a fine writer, btw. )

 

It'll be hard to worry about your STBX, once you've set your OWN plans in motion. You'll be able to recognise her as a toxic threat.

 

For right now, give yourself a mental shake every time your thoughts stray to her. (It's kind of like being a computer progammer. Dump that file every time it pops up! ) There'll be time later to reflect on the whole thing, once you've created some emotional distance.

 

You're a young man, and there's sooooo much world out there to explore. Get busy.

[Lil Honey]

Gunslinger:

 

You will be okay. I promise.

 

You are doing the right thing. Believe me.

 

Sometimes folks stay in a marriage for many years for several reasons: for the kids, to try to make it work, because they think it's a downtime (and later found out there was no end to the downtime), etc., etc. After a while they realize that those heroic reasons are actually excuses to avoid change and the unknown.

 

I know that if you stay in a marriage where you "hope" to be happy someday, it will suck the life out of you. You are young enough to still have some life left inside without having to search for it.

 

She isn't the best friend that you think she is, if you are somewhere down her list of priorities. The chances are very good that you will never move up that list.

 

You are hurting and overwhelmed now, but it WILL get better. It WILL. You have great potential and so much to look forward to.

 

Lil Honey

[Gunslinger360]

Thanks, everybody, for the compliments and reassurances. You've gone a long way toward mending me. My family has been very supportive, as well. I'm feeling much better. I've loaded up on "good first impression" clothes and plan to start looking for work tomorrow, and I'm thinking of going into a program at the local nursing home where they'll send me to classes to be a nurse's aide in exchange for me doing a year there. I hear it's good money, but my heart is still in writing.

 

I have some samples, if anyone ever wants to read something and tell me what they think. By the way, what's a STBX?

[whichwayisup]

To be soon ex.

 

When I first started posting on LS I had NO idea what that meant either...As well as TBXWW. To be wayward ex wife..stuff like that...I had to ask too!

 

I have some samples, if anyone ever wants to read something and tell me what they think

 

Sure, I'd like to read.

 

Good luck with the nursing program. I know how hard it is to do something else job wise when you're passion is something else. It will be a good experience and you will meet new people.

[SoleMate]

Hey, good for you! Someone who actually reads and uses our advice! (falls off chair)

 

I would love to read some of your writing, if you would kindly PM me with your email address. (Yeah, I'm lazy.)