jf2357 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Hi, First of all thank you for any replies and assistance. My wife and I have been married eight years, together for nine. Seemingly out of the blue for me about a week and a half ago I came home from work and she told me that she didn't want to be married to me anymore and that I didn't make her happy. The conversation lasted all of 45 minutes and she left. I didn't hear from her for three days, I didn't try to contact her I figured she needed to blow off steam. I knew she was serious when she told me the things that she did. But of course for the first few days I was all apologies and promises. I understand now how desperate and needy my actions were. I was operating out of a place of fear. I feel that I really love my wife and that I want to work on our issues. Her position softened from divorce without consideration to separation. I immediately obliged. I found an apartment, forwarded my mail, separated our bank accounts, and began moving my things. We have agreed upon ground rules such as; no dating other people, we'll go to marriage counseling, we'll be transparent and fair to each other. So far our conversations have been productive and about logistics and I'm not going to even touch the topic of seeing each other, or reconciling right now. She tells me that she is indifferent towards me right now but promises to be receptive. I do everything I can to keep my neediness and fear and emotional instability to myself and she understands that there will be times where I'm weak. I feel like I have a good grip on the situation so far. I just have no idea what to do next. I've read articles galore and they sound good but I feel like I need to reach out and hear from others who have insight on this and maybe share their experience. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 She wants out yet you leave? Why? If it was me, and my wife said she didn't want to be married anymore, rather than me going to get an apartment I'd say "there's the door". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 How old are you two? I'm willing to bet even money that she has been having an affair. Your statement, "out of the blue" is rarely that, but pre-meditated when/if the other person has already gotten involved with someone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jf2357 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm 30, she's 27. I'm not having an affair and there's no reason for me to believe that she is having an affair. I think it's something that would have been addressed already. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I'm not having an affair and there's no reason for me to believe that she is having an affair. But there is a reason. Her seemingly "out of the blue" desire to be single. I would investigate... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
macmillerpwnz Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Yep sounds she like she wants to experience another guy while keeping you on the hook in case it does not work out, I would file for divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jf2357 Posted July 21, 2015 Author Share Posted July 21, 2015 It was out of the blue for me at the time. But looking back there were definite signs. We're both full time college students who work to support ourselves. Neither of us have time to have developed a relationship like that without the other noticing. We have discussed that this isn't about an affair. We have no assets or financial standing to lose so there is no reason to lie about an affair at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 I sure hope you don't have a house together... because if you do... you moving out makes it very difficult in the divorce proceedings from what I understand. Besides, why are you moving out? If she's so unhappy, why isn't she the one leaving? Link to post Share on other sites
Movingforward2 Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 From experience, don't move out of the house if you want to keep it. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted July 21, 2015 Share Posted July 21, 2015 Sounds to me like you're trying to "nice" her back. You're conveniently getting out of the way, tiptoeing around the topic of reconciling, and completely resistant to the idea that she just might have another guy. Nicing her and being naive about the reasons for her sudden change of heart regarding your marriage is the last thing you need to be doing right now, in fact if you want to get back together it's counterproductive. Women don't want to be with guys who roll over and beg and will do anything for another chance. Now is when you want to get tough. You need to switch it around, make it about what YOU want not what she wants. Turn it around so it's more like.. well maybe now YOU are having second thoughts about staying together. You'll accomplish 2 important things by doing this. 1- By getting tough, and not catering to her whims, the first thing you'll do is get your ass back in the house, leaving was a huge mistake if you end up divorcing and there's equity on the home; by getting tough you'll do other things to protect yourself in the event of a divorce. As it stands you are sticking your neck out about as far as you can, making it really easy for her to make the proverbial slice to the jugular. 2- By getting tough she'll develop respect for you, right now you are such a pushover she's wondering why she was with you in the first place. With that respect, comes attraction. While it might not be enough at this point, it's a heck of a lot more than what you have right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hromo Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 You don't have a change of heart overnight. people can be very sneaky and if l were you l would investigate. This spells secret affair or at least an impeding love interest. what does your gut say, think back to behavior changes this past year. It doesn't add up, there is more going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 It was out of the blue for me at the time. But looking back there were definite signs. The "out-of-the-blue" break-ups are 1 in a 100. The other 99 are "I tried to show or tell you what was wrong but you weren't listening or didn't care". Some partners think their unhappiness is sufficient non-verbal communication for you to have been made aware of the problem. The next step is finding someone else who will care when they think you don't. Is your wife normally conflict avoidant? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 Neither of us have time to have developed a relationship like that without the other noticing. We have discussed that this isn't about an affair. We have no assets or financial standing to lose so there is no reason to lie about an affair at this point. #1,- affairs aren't like single people dating. single people have "dates" with dinners and movies and long moonlight walks on the beach and have long talks about personal topics to get to know each other. the trysts that married people have often get triggered with a wink and an innuendo and occur in a broom closet at work or a car in a parking lot for a matter of literally minutes. Often times affairs are about initially about strictly sexual attraction and chemistry. They don't care about other aspects of compatability. They know within minutes that there is a sexual attraction and they often take it from there. Bottom line here is if she has 5 minutes of free time at some point, she has time to get it on with some other guy. #2- No, you asked if there was someone else and she said no. You haven't investigated it or looked under the surface. Seek and yee shall find. #3. Her reason to lie about it is so she can continue to develop that relationship and get it secured while you are distracted by trying to be nice and accommodating and trying to appease her. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 In the absence of abuse, chemical addiction or complete abandonment, it is very rare for a woman to leave her husband out of the blue if there is not another man in the picture. It is just due diligence on your part to make a sincere investigation into whether there is someone else involved or not. If she is getting lovins from someone else, your chances of making a successful reconciliation with her are virtually nonexistent. Any effort you make to save your marriage are for nothing if she is still getting it somewhere else. By investigation, I do not mean asking her or tipping your hand. I mean looking with your own eyes. Hacking her computers, installing keyloggers to retrieve passwords and conversations, Checking her phone and phone bill, Planting voice activated recorders in her car and other places she may have a private conversation, looking through her stuff looking for lingerie, jewelry, sex toys, lube, condoms, receipts or other stationary etc from hotels or restaurants etc. There is more going on here than you realize. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts