cheated reconciled then cheated again 4 yrs later

[macmillerpwnz]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/309927-separation-killing-me

 

 

Please see my previous post from 4 years ago.

[macmillerpwnz]

Well guys,

 

4 years later she cheated on me again. This time she blamed it on me always wanting her to workout, not giving her enough sympathy when her mom passed away, and us having nothing in common anymore.

 

Her mom passed away in April and that's when she started becoming distant. I didn't think much of it at the time. A few weeks go by and I am trying to bring her closer to me because I knew she was upset for not being by her side enough when her mother passed. One Saturday we decided to get her wedding ring resized, so we did that got some Starbucks and came home. I then watched the kids that afternoon so she could get her nails done, (she really wanted her nails done).

 

She comes back at 4 and asks me to watch the kids so she can go out to eat and drink with her parents, she says she will probably stay the night. I agree and I am texting her and talking to her until about 7 and find out she's not replying and hanging up on my phone calls. I start to get suspicious and check the phone logs. I called a number that was dialed a lot back in April and spoke to a guy named Stephen. Stephen admitted everything that he met her on a dating app called plenty of fish, he told me that she said told Stephen she was divorced.

 

Before I get to far first let me tell you something I left out earlier in this story. We did split up for a bit in April because she was acting weird and not communicating and telling me she's not sure if she wants to be married. This was the same time frame she was talking to Stephen. Well Stephen told me she eventually broke it off with him telling him she can no longer do this.. This is when she asked me to come back.

 

Now going back to the story we are at May 6th, I'm talking to Stephen and finding phone numbers. I hang up with Stephen and decide to look at the most recent phone number to see where she is. I saw the same phone number called that day at 12:30 when she left the driveway to get her nails done and again at 7 when she stopped responding to me. I immediately figured out she was with some other guy. I called the number and a guy named Brandon answers I ask for Brittany and he hangs up on me.

 

At this point I gather up all my stuff, all my money, and leave. She later admits to me in my face she was with this guy at the bar and stayed the night at his house, she even laughed and had a huge smirk on her face when she told me. I tried reasoning with her and getting her to understand but she said u need to move on and we are incompatible and I make her feel fat and we don't do anything together. She completely made me feel like this was all my fault.

 

It's been 2 months since and the divorce was moving quickly we both have lawyers, we already have temp orders in place, we argue, and despise each other, and she is still seeing that Brandon guy she cheated on me with. She has even had him stay the night in or house with the kids and introduced him to our children. She is soooo stuck on this guy like he's Prince Charming. I told that guy in a text to stay away from my kids, they have been talking for 2 months and at the time when she introduced him to the kids only knew him 3 weeks. Brandon is now threatening to kick my ass because I'm taking her happiness away and telling me he doesn't go to our house because he doesn't need to drive an hour just to get some pussy. I tell my stbx what he said and she laughed it off saying that's just Brandon he's being silly.

 

The temp orders state we get week on and week of nobody pays child support, she pays health insurance, and since she wanted possession of the house we gave it to her but made her pay the bills for it. She is super upset about this because she believes I should be paying half the bills while she and her boyfriend sleep there and I'm at my moms. Our mediation date should be coming sometime in September and this will all be over.

 

Yes I did try and beg her back for awhile it's not working like last time this time she seems pretty set on this Brandon guy, places him #1 priority and does not let anything get in between them. Just last Sunday she acted like we were gonna possibly get back together and she invited me out to dinner, she called me babe, she said she was confused, she said she didn't know what she wanted and we can't get back together that quickly. I'm over here being sweet to her opening doors for her the whole 9 yards even though this whole time I knew she was texting Brandon on the side. I even found panties in her glovebox and she thought that was funny too. She later dropped me off at the house and I thought about everything and realized I'm in the friend zone and being out in check as second place. I wasn't having that. I quickly told her I knew she was texting Brandon the whole time and I won't be second place. I think she was afraid I would speak to Brandon and tell him what happened so she starts going on about how her only intentions with all that was to be friends that's all and she doesn't want to be with me! It's like she was cool stringing me along but as soon as I told her to drop Brandon I quickly got out in the friend category. I even told her before we even hung out I don't want to be friends with her and we are either together or not and there is no friends... But she did this **** anyways.. She says the only reason she did what she did was because she felt bad for me hurting. I think she is trying to get her on my sweet side so I can give in when she needs me to.

 

Well now I basically told her I'm not playing her games I've figured her out and we are only to talk about the kids and this was yesterday. We talked a little about the schedule of dropping off and picking up as well as which school the older one is gonna go to. I didn't add to this story that we now have a 2 year old so two girls now. One is 7 one is 2. I thought we were in love. I don't know what happened but she says it's my fault she strayed away and for me to move on now. She was trying to test the waters the same time she was married but I caught her which sped up the divorce. To be honest I still love her but knowing how she can be so cold and not care and flip the script so quickly really makes me worried about being with her again but I do have feelings for her. We did go to counseling but it was just her complaining about me the whole session and she was talking to other guys during this period, the same time frame she was talking to Stephen. I don't understand why some women can't buckle down focus on their marriage and give it a shot through counseling without talking to other guys because when they start talking to other guys they are no longer trying which means she never really tried.

 

Im really broken hearted and I wish she was a different person and knew how much love I had for her she just keeps having these urges to talk to other guys. She seems so sweet and innocent and nice too you would never expect it out of her.

[macmillerpwnz]

I'm kinda questioning whether or not I should have told her that I only want to communicate with her about the kids, instead of telling her that, maybe I should have just did it without saying anything? What do I do now at this point? I would love for her to come back and apologize for everything and admit to everything and want me back... But she is not the type to do that I don't think if I leave it the way I left it? I do want to go LC only about kids but at the same time I don't want to leave an impression where she thinks I'm an ******* I want her to think I'm moving on and starts wondering what I'm doing but she may not think those things if I was rude to her telling her I only want to talk about kids. What do I do now?

 

My plan was to keep it how it is for a few weeks, then e-mailing her and telling her u forgive her and wish her a new happy life basically, and then through text just keep it at LC only about kids?

[Chi townD]

Dude, she was literally laughing in your face as she was telling you that she was screwing some other dude. She has ABSOLUTELY no respect for you whatsoever.

 

 

Time to cut this evil out of your life. Co-parent but nothing else. Start taking control of the only thing you can take care of and that's YOU! First thing you need to do is get your finances together and get out of mom's place.

[macmillerpwnz]

I understand, I'm just still emotionally attached to her so it makes everything harder.

[GorillaTheater]

I understand, I'm just still emotionally attached to her so it makes everything harder.

 

That's where the 180 comes in: to help you detach and heal as quickly as reasonably possible. Communicate only about kids, finances, and the divorce. And the latter only sparingly.

[Chi townD]

I understand, I'm just still emotionally attached to her so it makes everything harder.

 

 

That's why it's important for you to do a modified NC on her. Only talk to her about the kids and that's it. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. Listen to it and if it's about the kids, TEXT back a response. If she texts back something other than confirming your response about the kids, ignore it. If she texts you something that isn't about the kids, ignore it.

 

 

If you can coordinate someone else (like mom, dad, brother or sister) to pick up and drop off the kids for you then do it.

 

 

You need to start disconnecting from her.

[Friskyone4u]

I hope you are not expecting anyone here to tell you to stay with this woman who smirks and laughs when she tells you she is cheating.

 

you need to stop brainstorming and wasting your money on MC and see an attorney unless you enjoy your current situation cause it ain't changing any time soon

[macmillerpwnz]

I plan on doing the 180 and only communicating about the kids like you suggested. I did actually implement this at the beginning of this month and 2 weeks went by and she contacted me for dinner. I let her back in and now its like I am starting all over again in the healing process since she let me down again. This time I can't let her in if she reaches back out to me, I was actually feeling better before I went out to dinner with her.I will be picking them up from daycare tomorrow, I will have them until Next Sunday, and she will be picking them up from my mom's on Sunday at 6pm. I will not be there to see her, I am going to have my mom answer the door and give her the kids. I will update you guys on my progress and how the 180 is going.:sick:

[Fearful]

Sorry Op but the fact that you are even contemplating geting back with your WW after all the humiliation she melted on you means that you have alot of work to do on your self.

[macmillerpwnz]

I know I have a lot of work to do I know this. I have been with her since I was 19 and I am now 29. She was my only true girlfriend/love who turned into my wife for a long time whom we had two kids with. This seems so much easier for her to move on than it has been for me.I hate the thought of being with a new woman and having a broken family for my kids. I can only seem to think about the good in our relationship and it over powers the bad. I just wish she would understand how important family is and how we can make it work. I tried dating some other women but it only helps temporarily, I can't seem to create feelings for any of these women because all my feelings are endured into my STBX. My goal is to focus on myself, focus on working out, focus on my work and studies, as well as play some more video games until I have no feelings for her anymore.. Am I right that I won't be able to create any new solid relationships until I am completely over my ex?:sick:

 

Just FYI I still have not contacted her it has been 3 hours since I told her

"I apologize for getting upset yesterday and you are still the mother of my children and deserve my respect. I do however still believe we should only talk about the children and I wish you luck.

 

So hopefully I can start distancing myself from her, it has only been 3 hours though.

[RightThere]

My plan was to keep it how it is for a few weeks, then e-mailing her and telling her u forgive her and wish her a new happy life basically, and then through text just keep it at LC only about kids?

 

You are allowed to forgive her, but don't bother telling her that.

 

She honestly doesn't care.

 

And I know how tough it is having your kids spend half their time with your ex and having her new boyfriend living in the same space. It's messed up but know that your kids are not in any physical danger (and if they are, call the police immediately).

 

In the meantime, just love your kids when it's your time with them. When they aren't with you, know that they aren't in physical danger and that their dad loves them.

 

Good luck.

[RightThere]

Am I right that I won't be able to create any new solid relationships until I am completely over my ex?:sick:

 

100% true.

 

Don't go looking for anything in anyone else that may try to help "fix" you. Focus on yourself and your kids and doing things that improve you.

[sandylee1]

This woman has no regard or respect for you. Love should not be one sided like this. Don't allow yourself to be trampled on and let her go to Stephen , Brandon or whoever she wants - let her be.

 

Bottom line is it's not you she wants. DON'T GET BACK WITH HER. She'll only string you along and cheat again. She's a serial cheater and you can't control her. Just get yourself tested, as there could be lots of others she's been with.

 

She didn't bump into these guys. ..she was looking to cheat.

 

You need to do a strict 180. Move on from her and find a better woman when you're ready. Date casually for now to get some enjoyment.

[No Limit]

Stay away from her, and don't fall for her lies and manipulation. That cat won't change its spots. Also, document everything - this Brandon guy threatening you will be very useful in court to get him away from the kids.

[m.snow]

I hate the thought of being with a new woman and having a broken family for my kids.

 

as soon as you change this mindset and get back in the game, things will be a lot better. believe that your kids are not in a broken family. this divorce will allow you to focus more on the positive's in your life your children and yourself. this divorce will cut out the negative cancer that is your cheating wife.

separated you will be a much better father for your children.

 

change your mindset, go to the gym get ripped and get back into the game. there are other women out there than can make you happy.

 

your jealousy,pain,loneliness & suffering boost the cheaters ego. it is their life force their energy source.

Edited July 17, 2015 by m.snow

[macmillerpwnz]

Last night I txt her and told her I don't hate her and I forgive her and wish her the best. I also told her I can't stay mad at her for this or I'll never move on and told her I'm not mad. I haven't txt her today though but it's really hard not to. Thinking back I remember getting in bed with her and her to cuddle and she would tell me I only want to get laid because I had a habit of always touching her butt. It's like she really believed I was using her and didn't care? I want to txt her and tell her she was wrong about this and I always cared. I'm not sure it will actually change anything. The OM doesn't live with her he just stayed the night on the weekend one time. I threw a fit about it when it happened and in the temp orders we will be signing it says she can't have anyone over after 8 pm. I really want to go NC today and for a long time. I feel like I will never love another woman as much as I love her she has the most beautiful eyes and cutest face and I keep thinking about that instead of how she treated me... But then again I blame myself for how she treated me in the first place.

[ChicagoSparty]

Per my edict, my XW and I talk only via text and email, and only about the kids. I had to do this because she would always bring the past up, or talk about working on our friendship, or some other stupid nonsense.

 

It's beautiful. I wouldn't have it any other way.

[whichwayisup]

Get yourself to counseling so you have someone to open up to and they can guide you through this so you come out healthy and strong.

 

You need to grieve the loss and give yourself time to detach and close your heart off from her. Of course it hurts and it probably will for a while. Just know that as time goes on you will have some good and great days. Be with your kids, your friends and your family. Rely on people who love and care about you.

[macmillerpwnz]

I want to thank everyone for the advice and support first of all before I give an update.

 

So we were on our way to pick up the girls from daycare, I figured if I could be friends with my stbx and plant a seed where I'm OK with the divorce and that I am a nice guy that one day she will come back. So I txt her and admitted for all the wrong things I did and I told her how i am not like that anymore and I regret doing those things and I wish I could take it all back. I told her I want to be her friend, she told me she would be my friend only if we were on the same page about it only being friends. I said ok and I really badly wanted her to admit the cheating part in our marriage and wanted her to admit that it was not right. She quickly turned into a different person and changed the subject and got defensive. I told her if we are going to be friends then we have to be real with each other. This has also been an issue in our marriage where I would always be the one to admit what I could have done better where she would always deny it and would even lie to my face about it when I know she knew she did or said something! This something could have been a day ago or a few hours ago but she will deny it completely. If a marriage is going to be successful I believe two people have to be open minded and be willing to accept when they are wrong or said something wrong instead of always trying to be right and innocent. She absolutely has always hated being wrong. Anyways, I could never get her to do this so I basically just told her forget it we can never be friends if you are always gonna act like you are perfect and I'm the one at fault. I think it makes her feel better about the cheating when we talk about my faults and what I could have done better but when we start talking about her the conversation ends. I think the only reason she may want to be my friend anyways is so she can manipulate me and use me. She actually acted like she wanted to get back together with me but as soon as I brought up ditching the main guy I turned back into a friend.

 

Anyways I told her I don't want to talk to her ever again unless it's about kids and even then we know where each other live and what time we are supposed to pick up so shouldn't even have to talk about that either, I blocked her from my phone and told her to email me if it is important, otherwise I told her to talk to her lawyer. I felt a little better after this, It sort of solidified her personality into my head and made me realize this is how she has been our whole marriage and I was too blind to see it as a problem. I always accepted it and let her walk over me and let her get her way all the time. It made me realize how this could possibly be a good thing and I could possibly find someone who respects me more than that.

 

So I picked up my girls and my oldest daughter told me she calls her main guy babe all sweet and nice on the phone. This also made me realize why she is so happy now and why she has moved on so easily. You see she told me if we ever got a divorce she doesn't want to be with anyone and she wants to be alone. This is bull**** because she stayed with me, even got her wedding ring resiZed went to counseling and everything while she was cheating on me. She wanted to find someone before she left me. She doesn't want to be alone. I feel like she hasn't has the chance to really reflect on everything and just jumped straight into this new serious relationship with Brandon and so anything that is going to make her feel guilty or get in he way of this relationship she flips out. This relationship is her anchor of security and her anchor of feeling better. This is one of the reasons she won't admit what she did was wrong because then that is effecting her relationship as if this new relationship is not morally right. By she doesn't want to believe that, she wants to believe it's all my fault so she can be guilty free of this new relationship. This has made me wonder if this relationship doesn't work out for her then she will crumble? I think she will..

 

To further solidify my evidence of a relationship being her anchor to feeling good about herself is the fact that she has spent thousands of dollars on cosmetic and materialistic things to make her look better. Even when it was her weekend with the kids she had Brandon over spending time with him instead. She spent $815 on a personal trainer alone. My oldest daughter will tell me she's always on the phone texting or talking on the phone that one day our youngest daughter got diaper cream all over the ground and was playing with it. She's putting this relationship at the top of the list as far as prioritys go. Then she complains to me about money!! And I'm wondering how she is paying the mortgage, the bills, and being able to pay for all her crap. She begged her friend to watch the kids for her to save money and told her she has no money! She will not only lie and manipulate me to get her way she will do it to her family and friends!

 

Anyways this is everything that has been going through my head lately and it honestly shed some light on me today and made me wonder why I'm so sad? I don't need this person in my life. I also have been taking to a few girls I used to know and one of them wants to go out with me next weekend. I have my daughters this weekend and we watched movies all night tonight and tomorrow we will be going to build a bear and I'm going to let them builf their own bear.

Edited July 18, 2015 by macmillerpwnz
Typo

[macmillerpwnz]

This Brandon guy she's seeing was the guy I caught her with cheating on me and she has been seeing him since. They have been dating for a month and a half now and according to her are pretty serious about each other. My question is what are the chances this relationship of hers will last? He just went through a divorce recently and we are still going through ours.

[dreamingoftigers]

This Brandon guy she's seeing was the guy I caught her with cheating on me and she has been seeing him since. They have been dating for a month and a half now and according to her are pretty serious about each other. My question is what are the chances this relationship of hers will last? He just went through a divorce recently and we are still going through ours.

 

Extremely low. Unless they both match neediness levels and don't shift from them. Doubtful.

 

 

One of my ex-friends dumped her husband for his brother (lasted less than 3 months), who dumped her so she moved on to his friend (six months), who also dumped her after she laid the groundwork to move onto that guy's best friend.

 

 

They are still together and she's having his kid now. (3 years)

I think they will truck on for awhile longer, unless he freaks out post-baby, which is very possible given his previous behaviour with her. Plus the two other kids she already has. (neglected)

 

 

Is your STBXW from a stable or unstable family?

I find it isn't just anecdotal.

 

 

Some people from unstable families crave stability so badly that they put the effort into their relationships, but I find more often they repeat the pattern, forever looking for their "prince/ss" and constantly getting "disappointed" when their very human mate turns out to not be a superhero.

[Arieswoman]

Some people from unstable families crave stability so badly that they put the effort into their relationships, but I find more often they repeat the pattern, forever looking for their "prince/ss" and constantly getting "disappointed" when their very human mate turns out to not be a superhero.

 

How true this is !!

[Friskyone4u]

Stop worrying about her relationship with Brandon or anyone else!!! And stop trying to analyze what she needs in relationships.

 

The reason she makes "nice" to you is because she would like to stay married to you AND have her boyfriends too. THat would be her ideal situation and she would be better off financlailly. SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!!! and the quicker you get out of that mindset the better off you are going to be.

 

I think you asked why she was taking it so much better and had an easier time moving on. That one is simple, especially when it is the woman who is the WW. You are lamenting that she is you only real relationship since you were 19 and the thought of having to woo and court new women is scary to you. She already knows through practice that all she has to do is take her clothes off and some man will be perfectly willing to have sex with her and chase her. That is just biology. Don't worry about getting out there, just try ot let it happen and not make yourself a hermimt.

 

But most of all, stick to the fact that this woman needs to be totally out of your life other than your kids and stop having these philosophical or tender conversations with her. And remember, the 180 is not to win her back. It is to help yourself put her in the rear view mirror.

[Tayla]

sounds like the apology is essentially a ruse to get her to see the light. sad, so sad that the kids have to witness adults behaving falsely.

 

could you perhaps get further counseling? I sense that your rational thinking had been skewed from these months of mind games. A counselor would set you on a more stable mindset.

 

your perspective is your reality, yet sometimes the real facts are not seen by standing in one place.