Feeling Completely Destroyed

[Jetstar]

I have separated from my wife we are 35 and 36 been married for 8 years and have 2 children 5 and 7. For the first 2 months we still lived together as I had to find a place to live but I lived out the back in the rumpus room as she said she need space. We still saw each other everyday as we own a business together and we worked together.

 

When she told me I was devistated but she assured me that she needed space to see what the future held for us she said it would be good so we could work on our problems in our own way but she did want to get back together. She said she loved me but she wasnt in love with me.

 

When I moved out I felt great, like we where going to work on our problems and start our relationship all over again. After about 1 week I found out that she was dating someone else. He is her sisters friend and is going through the same with his partner offering a shoulder to cry on. He lives 100km away but still comes up a couple times a week. I went crazy asking her to take me back, everything wrong I did but I couldnt help ,it I could nt eat or sleep I felt like I was going to die but then after about a week I tried to except it because i new I was pushing her away. Now 1 week later she said they are now "seeing eachother". Sleeping in the same bed as my daughter accidently told me Which I new would happen eventually would happen when she told me she was dating him. She says she didn't mean to hurt me it just happened.

 

I really want us to reconcile.....eventually (when and if we can forgive eachother).....I have started going to councilling....I am looking for different work while still working and concentrating on standing alone. I ve also been identifying and trying to fix all the problems that have effected my life and our marriage. But she seemed to just get over me straight away without trying to better herself or our marriage.

 

She still messages me, she says shes proud of me for what I am doing for myself and does things like buys me tracksuit pants cause its cold. She says we will always be friends she will always love me and no one can ever replace me she just wants to have fun and she says she wants me to get back to the way I was when I first met her..we have both talked and both cried. Is there any hope for us to reconcile?

 

I see the kids 3 or 4 times a week and have fun.....I try only to talk about them or the business to her.....is this the right thing to do? Or should I just try to be her friend.

 

Still very hurt about loosing my family, house, dogs and now feeling replaced and like I will never have those things ever again in my life

[casey.lives]

don't be sad. sadness is for people who care. move on and don't care. works like a charm.trust..

[chew123]

Jetstar,

 

She was cheating on you before you moved out. She asked you to move out so she could pursue the affair.

 

You are being strung along with the I want to be friends with you. Move back into the house if you want. Let her move out if she wants. Get a lawyer and start preparing for divorce.

 

Your wife has left you for another man. Do you accept being demoted from lover to friend? The same thing has happened to many of us here. There is no way back while she continues the affair. And why would you want to go back to someone who disrespects you in this way.

 

I know right now this seems like the worst thing that has ever happened to you. It may be, but you will get over it. You will have a happy life without her if you have to.

 

Start taking care of your interests. She is no longer the women you married. You are no longer a team. Lawyer up and prepare for divorce. And start working on yourself, not for her but for you. If she does come back and you don't get divorced that would be great. But you need to be prepared in case that does not happen.

 

Good luck and keep posting. I have gone through something quite similar as have so many of us here. There is happiness on the other side.

[sandylee1]

She had this guy lined up already and don't believe anything else.

 

Did she raise any problem before the seperation?

In what way does she want you to get back to how you were?

Did you not set any rules for your seperation?

It's very wrong to have her lover in your bed for the kids to see. It's just confusing them and is irresponsible.

 

 

Your daughter will think this is normal

 

I suggest from now on that you pick the kids up and take them to your place to spend time.

 

Don't talk to her unless it's related to the kids or the business

 

 

Read up on the 180 and prepare for a life without her. She's having fun sleeping with another man. She's testing if he's good enough to divorce you for and move him in full time.

 

I bet his wife would tell a very different story about this , unless she's been deceived as well.

 

Can you do some digging to get to the truth? Try and contact his wife or partner.

 

Either way I suggest you consult a lawyer and see what a divorce would look like for you.

 

The truth will help you decide what to do.......she's just enjoying openly seeing her boyfriend instead of sneaking and hiding from you.

Don't for one second believe what she's telling you about it just happening. It could have been going on for a very long time.

[KBarletta]

She said she loved me but she wasnt in love with me.

 

At the risk of echoing what others have said, I agree that you need to move on from her. The line above, ILYBINILWY, is code for: I want to keep you on the hook in case my new life falls apart, but I am going to do whoever and whatever I want for now. Sounds like a bit of "grass is greener" syndrome here, IMO.

 

However, if she's already bringing new guys around her children, she's already taken things further than most people would at this stage. And that is a total show of disrespect for you. What she's doing and what she's saying DO NOT match up. Pay attention to what she does, not what she says.

 

I'd suggest separating from her, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. My advice: Concentrate on making a life for yourself and your kids apart from her, consult a lawyer, look into counseling, and start rebuilding your life. You will get through this.

[ChicagoSparty]

I'm also going to put my money on her relationship pre-existing your separation.

 

'I need space' almost always = 'I need to see where things go with this new person'. Sucks, but it's true.

 

If it were me, I would have divorce papers written up and served to her.

[sandylee1]

The best for you to do is bn her with divorce papers. She wants to sleep with this guy and try not to appear as a cheater because you're seperated.

 

Either serve her or give her a deadline to decide if she wants this marriage. If she doesn't give you an answer or chooses him - have her served and be done.

 

Don't be her plan B. Right now that's exactly what you are.

 

Do family know you're seperated? That she has a new man?

 

Can you tell us whether it was a good marriage before this?

Is there any reason she would have disconnected from you?

Because that's what she's done

She's emotionally checked out of the marriage

 

When they give you the I love you but speech......it's not hopeful.

[Jetstar]

I know she wasnt cheating on me because we almost spend all our time together apart from sleeping in the same bed. She did try to hide it from me but I figured out that something wasnt right and I confronted her and told her to just tell me I needed to know the truth. What happened was when I moved out she put on Facebook "going through a seperation is hard bla bla". This guy messaged her back saying he was going through the same thing. After I moved out she had somekind of Asthma attack that put her into hospital for about a week (and still recovering now). When she got out her sister went up to visit her and this guy came up to.

 

We didnt really set rules because either of us have never been through this before and I admit it was handled terribly. But basic rules where "before this guy was in the picture" was live in different houses for 6 months and basic contact kids etc work on eachothers flaws see what our feelings where after a couple of months. I know she was just lonely. I was lonely too I ve gone out on a couple dates over the whole time. But I just couldnt do it and felt it was unfair on the person I was dating. I m trying but I m just not over her yet. Would be alot easier if kids werent involved because I could just not see her anymore. The hardest thing is knowing we will be in eachother lives for the rest of our lives

Edited July 14, 2015 by Jetstar

[Jetstar]

update....I am feeling much better about the whole thing now. I am implementing the 180 or No contact rule. As I was getting my heart broken over and over.

 

I come to this conclusion from a talk we had she said she is hurting to when she is home by herself. She was never good with dealing with emotions and would just shut down. She just wont give me a straight answer and thats all I want are we over or not. I know she has been going out with this guy for 2 weeks now and they are moving at full speed. I am not going to let her feel better by us being freinds. Hense the 180 rule.

 

I am dealing with our break up where I know 100% that she is not and she is trying as hard as she can to make this new guy my replacement in the family instead of dealing with it. I am going out on a date next week with a girl I ve been chatting to online....I dont want to rush into anything and I m not looking for a replacement just want to be freinds and enjoy someones company.

 

Very hard the other day when I saw my kids my daughter 7 broke down crying saying that she misses me everyday and she cant tell mummy because she thinks she will get angry at her...very hard

Edited July 16, 2015 by Jetstar

[beach]

Have you filed for divorce yet?

 

Since she is acting single you may as well make it technically over. That way you can move forward and date freely knowing you are truly available.

[Mrin]

OP: I am really sorry to hear your story. A few thoughts:

 

1. If I were you I would file for divorce ASAP. For a few reasons which I'll get to in a second. But honestly dude, this thing is over. She either had an affair (I know you don't believe this to be the case) before hand - which means she's breached the marital fidelity. Or, if she didn't have an affair she immediately started shacking up and having sex with a dude when you were barely out of the house. Around your children. Which means she's a bad mom, a bad wife and doesn't have any feelings left for you. Either way, you don't want to be married to this piece of work any longer than you have to.

 

2. Filing is really easy. At least here in the US it is. Seriously, takes about an hour to fill out the initial filing. No lawyer needed.

 

3. You have much bigger potential problems on the horizon than your marital status. The fact that she invited another man into her bed, around your children, when daddy had only been gone for a few days is doing irreparable harm to your children right now. We parents always worry about divorce and whether the kids can handle it. Honestly, it is a dumb worry because kids always handle divorce much better than how we think they will. What they don't handle well is how the parents conduct themselves post divorce.

 

Let me tell you a story about my mom. My parents divorced in the late 70's - during the sexual revolution. My mom is amazing. My mom is incredible. She's a loving wonderful sweet lady who taught me so much about being a man, a human, a daddy. But you know what one of my most vivid memories I have of her when I was 6? I remember her going out on a date with a man she had just started to date (like first or second date) and leaving me with a sitter. I remember waking up around 2am to find her in her bed with another man (she went on to date for 3 years). When I woke up at 8am the man was gone. I remember being so revolted by the idea that she would go out on dates with two men in the same night. Even today it makes my skin crawl and Hell, i've pulled doubleheaders of my own.

 

Kids soak up everything. Under no circumstances should your wife have even introduced the kids to this man much less let him sleep over. The guy could be a pedophile for all you know! There is an adult way to do this and this isn't it. Christ, you know what sort of stories kids will make up to try to explain a parent's behavior? Mommy (aka women) needs a man... Men are replaceable... Mommy is a whore. You have little to no control of the stories they make up to explain parental behavior. All you can do it expose them to good behavior and hope they make up good stories.

 

You need to get a handle on this - right now.

 

4. You may have an even bigger problem with Mr. 100 KM guy. Your wife is obviously riding a pretty big emotional rollercoaster right now and is unpredictable. She could very well up and leave to go move to be with this guy. That's right, your wife and kids living 100 KM from you. The laws are pretty fuzzy as to whether you'd have much recourse. At least here in the US, if you had filed for divorce that essentially freezes the residency of the children in most jurisdictions.

 

So do the responsible thing for you and your children. Filing is just the first step. Doesn't mean you can't reconcile. But filing is a way of protecting your assets, interests and most importantly giving you a fighting chance to protect your children.

 

Good luck!

[Jetstar]

Messaged her to tell her we should nt contact each other for a while. She had been sending me random text over the last couple of days. But I know she is still with him and I am not going to make her feel better on the days that he not there.

 

I dont have the balls right now to file for divorce we dont really have many assets appart from the business. Which I am the only one working in atm and she is looking after the kids. She has just moved to a new house in our area and signed a 12 month lease and I cant see her moving down south to Mr 100 kms away because all her family is up here and her family is the most important thing in her life. Although I would be lying if I said the thought had not crossed my mind

[macmillerpwnz]

Messaged her to tell her we should nt contact each other for a while. She had been sending me random text over the last couple of days. But I know she is still with him and I am not going to make her feel better on the days that he not there.

 

I dont have the balls right now to file for divorce we dont really have many assets appart from the business. Which I am the only one working in atm and she is looking after the kids. She has just moved to a new house in our area and signed a 12 month lease and I cant see her moving down south to Mr 100 kms away because all her family is up here and her family is the most important thing in her life. Although I would be lying if I said the thought had not crossed my mind

 

 

Dood,

 

I am going through something somewhat similar and I have read many many stories of others who are also in similar situations and I can tell you right now with 100% confidence that whether you want her back or you don't, you need to file for divorce. She is not going to take you seriously and will always believe you are her fall back plan as long as you are sticking around like you are. If you file for divorce she will know you are serious and will think twice about losing you. You go NC 180 and wait for her to whole heatedly come back to you apologizing. If she doesn't then she was never going to get with you anyways and this will help you move on.

[Jetstar]

should i tell her i am filing for divorce or just do it?

[Clay]

Just do it.

 

 

C

[understand50]

should i tell her i am filing for divorce or just do it?

 

Do it. You should not have to put up with this at all. If you want her, back this is the only way, as you do not seem to have set any boundaries with her. She is cheating right now, as you are still married, You do not go F##king another guy during separation. You did not give a hall pass.

 

For your self worth, and peace of mind - File for divorce.

[macmillerpwnz]

Yeah don't tell her it will make you feel better in the long run.

[Jetstar]

filled for divorce today and I feel much better about it. I still told her though.....she still saying its over for now but doesnt know what will happen in the future. She seemed upset which is strange because she wanted the separation and she was the one that started seeing someone else. I feel much better now because I know 100% it is over and now I have closure....instead of worrying every night weather she will take me back of not. I am going to try to be her friend eventually for the kids sake. But now i honestly feel better....best I v felt since I found out she was seeing someone else. I feel hungry again...not smoking a billion cigerettes a day. Not feeling like blowing my brains out anymore. I m thinking about my kids and not about myself anymore. Even though I am sad we couldnt get back together but deep down I new once she was sleeping with someone else I couldnt do it and I dont think she would either. Least this way we have a clean break and if we where to ever start again it would be a fresh start. I m meeting a 'freind' next weekend and I m going to concentrate on saving money and working hard for my kids and me. Trying to move into a more kid appriate place.....right now living in a room with a bathroom and outdoor kitchen and very small crtyard. Wouldnt mind a unit something like that. I know my future wont be easy but it will be my future and I think I am starting to take control of my life again

[macmillerpwnz]

Yes good for you man!! Listen if you want her back act like you don't care just do the 189 be short with her and just talk about he kids and always be calm and cool. Focus on yourself and your kids. If she wants you back then she will come back. Begging her back or being her friend won't work don't do it. Once her little fling ends then she will come crawling back if you do these things, she may be in an affair dog right now and no thinking clearly. Please keep posting and let us know what's going on.

[Jetstar]

Yeah I would like to get her back....but I m not really putting any pressure on the situation any more if it happens it happens if not......which is basically what she said from the start......I just didnt get it....thinking short time and about myself.....yeah thats what I was planning on doing just for my own sake. Just talk about the kids and NC. I must admit I do have alot of spare time now and money. Also get to pick the kids up a 3-4 times a week which is good

[m.snow]

dude, did you check your finances with your lawyer. you have to be very business like when going through a divorce and no room for being emotional.

 

she doesn't have a job and you have a business?

go over with atty or finance. coz i don't like how this situation sounds financially speaking.

 

the attitude "i hope she will comeback" is just bad. its bad for you.

 

focus on yourself.

[understand50]

filled for divorce today and I feel much better about it. I still told her though.....she still saying its over for now but doesnt know what will happen in the future. She seemed upset which is strange because she wanted the separation and she was the one that started seeing someone else. I feel much better now because I know 100% it is over and now I have closure....instead of worrying every night weather she will take me back of not. I am going to try to be her friend eventually for the kids sake. But now i honestly feel better....best I v felt since I found out she was seeing someone else. I feel hungry again...not smoking a billion cigerettes a day. Not feeling like blowing my brains out anymore. I m thinking about my kids and not about myself anymore. Even though I am sad we couldnt get back together but deep down I new once she was sleeping with someone else I couldnt do it and I dont think she would either. Least this way we have a clean break and if we where to ever start again it would be a fresh start. I m meeting a 'freind' next weekend and I m going to concentrate on saving money and working hard for my kids and me. Trying to move into a more kid appriate place.....right now living in a room with a bathroom and outdoor kitchen and very small crtyard. Wouldnt mind a unit something like that. I know my future wont be easy but it will be my future and I think I am starting to take control of my life again

 

Good for you

[Jetstar]

No i didnt say I hope she comes back.....I just said I would like her back just because I m alone missing freinds and family etc. I dont expect anything from her anymore. With the business we both started it together so it goes 50 50 its a small cleaning business. She is on single mothers pension cause we are in Australia so she is getting a fair amount of money. She is a very independant woman and doesnt want anything from me but to spend time with the kids. I told her I would help her out with money whenever I could

[macmillerpwnz]

I wouldn't help her out with money whenever I could.