Should I tell my husband and end our marriage now?

[Martina56]

Hello, My name is Martina.I'm 43.Me and my husband have been married for nearly 20 years.We have a 13-year-old daughter.I'm a science teacher and my husband is a financial adviser.We are doing very well financially.He is the perfect husband,I'm not exaggerating.When we argue,he never gets hot.He's very understanding and nice.I don't even know why I'm doing this to him myself.It is really tearing up my conscience but at the same time I can't stop.I've been cheating on him for 3 months now with a much younger boy in his 20s.I guess it all stems from the fact that I'm so used to having sex with my husband that I've gotten bored a little bit.In fact if my husband has any flaws,that's the one.Sex with him is not that good any more.Not like in the beginning.In the beginning,there was this spark.It was very different.It was more special,and now it is just....boring.Maybe we have lost this spark.But sex with the younger boy is exciting.He's amazing.I do things with him that I've never done with my husband including dirty talk which happens to really appeal to me.It's not love,it is indeed just sex between me and him yet I can't stop this affair.Me and my husband only have sex in our bed at home whereas I've had sex with this boy in several of the most inappropriate places-in a bathroom,in the movie theatre(oral sex) and in a car.When I'm with him I feel wanted and desired again.It feels amazing.But when I'm not with him I feel guilty.So guilty that I want to tell my husband and maybe get divorced because I love my husband and can't bear to hurt him so bad.2 days ago I didn't go to work because the boy called me offering to have sex at my home while my husband is away.My initial response was No and I even took offense and hung up but after about 2 mins I called back and agreed.I can't believe I agreed to that.We had sex in the same bed that me and my husband sleep every night.It was thrilling but afterwards(now) I'm feeling like a piece of ****.I broke up with the boy.It is all over.Now I feel like I really need to tell my husband but at the same time I love him and I want to save our marriage.I'm at a crossroads.

[Friskyone4u]

what is going to happen most likely if you do not tell him is you are going to do it again and again and eventually get caught anyway. And it is one thing to do it in a car but in your marital bed is about as disrespectful as it gets.

 

If you love your husband you should tell him the total truth. It is going to be better (if that word is possible) if he hears it from you rather than find out when he catches you and you start lying and minimizing what you have done and feed it to him little by little.

 

You made this decision, and either way you are not going to get out of it with no pain. If you feel like crap now, that will continue and eventually he will notice. If you start having sex with this OM again, it will escalate. And what future do you have with a 23 year old.

 

Just my opinion, but if you really want to end it then face the music and confess and try to get your husband to go to therapy with you to find out what is missing and what can be done about it. Or go ahead and divorce him. But doing what your doing contradicts what you are saying about loving him.

[elaine567]

YOU are doing this to your husband because you can.

He is so nice, so accommodating, that you felt comfortable crossing the cheating line. I guess you think that despite all, he would take you back anyway, so the risk is minimal. He may get a bit hissy, but you know in your heart he will come round in time.

It is just sex, not love, so he will put up and shut up eventually.

The marital bed act was the ultimate disrespect. I guess deep down you want to punish him for the boring sex and what better way to do that than to desecrate the marital bed.

 

It is difficult to say how he will really react. Some tyrants of husbands fold into sobbing messes when their wife cheats, some doormats kick her to the curb and never look back.

 

Personally I would get an STD test, a young guy happy to sleep with a married woman, may have more women in tow. Get tested Asap and do not sleep with your husband until you get the tests back.

If positive you are going to have to come clean.

If negative you can tell or you can choose not to.

Cheating screws up marriages and people big time. You also have a child, sometimes ignorance is bliss. If you can live with the guilt and are happy you and your lover were not too careless in leaving tracks, then:-

Stop the affair, do not restart it, knuckle down to saving your marriage and loving your husband. Spice up the sex, and life could be good for everyone concerned, especially for your daughter.

Thirteen is a bad age for her parents to be arguing and splitting up - it will ruin her life. The bitterness felt around cheating is very damaging.

Many here advocate telling, but many also end up living in horrible "reconciled" marriages, with the BS never getting over it. Both then live in hell, as they do not want to divorce.

 

However if the OM is going to cause trouble, or you and he have been pretty sloppy about covering your tracks, your husband is going to find out anyway.

It is best to tell him before he finds out from other people or from a chance look at your phone...

[Grumpybutfun]

Pleas tell him. He deserves to know the woman he is married to.

G

[Arieswoman]

Martina56,

You probably won't listen to me but here's my opinion.

 

You seriously need to get a grip on this.

 

2 days ago I didn't go to work because the boy called me offering to have sex at my home while my husband is away.

 

^^^^ this show how this infatuation you have - and that's what is is - is impacting on your professional life.

You are a teacher and have responsibilities to your students, yet you "pulled a sickie" to get f****d by some testosterone-filled kid who is half your age.

 

You are behaving like a love-sick teenager and it needs to stop before you lose your career, and the respect of your daughter. ( You don't have a marriage to lose IMO and you probably won't have a husband either after you tell him.)

 

Please don't tell me you love your husband because you don't. You disrespected your marriage, your husband your, home and your family by f***ing some toy-boy in your martial bed. It's not surprising you feel guilty.

 

First off you must tell your husband. Then do the decent thing and leave.

 

And please, please don't have sex with your husband again until you've had a full STD screening.

 

[aloneinaz]

It really is scary for all of us how common this kind of situation is. One of the long time married partners gets bored, misses the excitement of new adulation, attention and sex since they don't get it from their partner. I know someone just like this. Same scenario. Married 20 years, great husband and she was simply bored and had a mid-life crisis. She had an affair with a much younger employee. She missed "being wanted", the excitement of sex w/someone new, etc, etc..

 

 

To the OP, you've gotten some good advice so far. It's your choice in how you navigate thru this. My opinion is you're not going to stop this affair cause it's like a drug to you. You're getting your cake and eating it too. I think you may really love your husband but you're no longer "in love" with him. Screwing your lover in your married bed demonstrates this mightily.

 

 

If and I mean if you can end it with the kid and he won't rat you out to your husband, then you could consider not telling your husband so you don't destroy your family. Everyone screws up on occasion and makes bad decisions. If you go this route, you need to get into marriage therapy to discuss your frustrations with your sex life w/your husband. If he doesn't make any changes or you can't get excited with him again, then you should end the marriage.

 

 

I've read a lot of articles about marriage and many people views that the whole principal behind them is out dated. With the divorce rate over 50% nationally, the arguments are that most people can't be in a monogamous relationship the rest of their lives. Yes, we all know parents or neighbors who've been happily married for 50 plus years but they are becoming rarer and rarer. IDK.. I'm divorced and have a long term GF. I really question if I ever want to get married again because I don't know if the whole foundation of marriage isn't broken in general.

[Yasuandio]

Of course, this sounds pretty bad. But, you are honest, at least in this forum. The reality is that you are certainly not the only person that has done such things. And unlike you, many have no guilt.

 

I would advise you to re-assess what you have going for you. There is more to life than effing. And it is not as if you were "deprived." Seriously, reconsider.

 

Now, if you open your mouth, that is a huge risk. The terrible thing about this matter is that you've done this to a perfectly good man. He may not be so forgiving of this misconduct. Sometimes women are -- as the man might minimize the meaning of the conduct, or deny it. A man tends to be more logical than a woman, and I would submit that you are not gonna get that "forgiveness thing" very easily from an honorable man once he has this image.of you (that you've painted for us), in his mind.

 

If it is possible for you to turn you act around, I would consult a pastor. Get this out - in a private setting with a person of moral authority - and, go from there.

 

Your marriage is over when or if this comes out. If you are prepzred to change your ways - well, some things are better left unsaid. You messed up. At least you do feel bad -- and ended it. We have to grant you some credit there.

 

People that have been hurt by infidelity are not gonna cut you any slack, understandably so. I know it's happened to me, but I have been protected from the facts and the truth. I know due to my common sense, and circumstancial evidence. I might feel quite differently should I have seen infidelity with my eyes, or heard the truth with my ears, or had complete DIRECT EVIDENCE. Bear that in mind. I much prefer things ended like this - upon reflection. Although, it was a protracted process of acceptance on my part. It would have devistated me to see or know it in my face.

 

That's my take. Yas

[LoveMyCat]

Ugh. If you can bring yourself to end this other "relationship" and get out disease-free and not pregnant...do so, and keep your mouth shut, if you want to stay married. Telling him only relieves your guilt, while causing untold pain and misery for him.

 

Having that betrayal between you will be awful...but so much worse if he is suffering. Especially since you say he is so kind. I hate the idea of hurting a partner to cleanse one's own conscious.

[Mrin]

Ugh. If you can bring yourself to end this other "relationship" and get out disease-free and not pregnant...do so, and keep your mouth shut, if you want to stay married. Telling him only relieves your guilt, while causing untold pain and misery for him.

 

Having that betrayal between you will be awful...but so much worse if he is suffering. Especially since you say he is so kind. I hate the idea of hurting a partner to cleanse one's own conscious.

 

Hate to say it but this makes a lot of sense. This is your cross to bear. Not his.

[KBarletta]

Hello Martina, welcome to LS.

My initial feeling upon reading your story is that if you truly loved your husband (and if he is as good a man as you say) you would have tried to address your feelings about the lack of excitement in the bedroom *with* him and tried to solve that issue together rather than going behind his back as you did. If that was the only real issue in your life (an extremely common one, too, especially for a couple married young and together for two decades), it's an extremely solve-able problem.

Unfortunately, now, I don't see a very easy solution. You either tell him the truth and risk losing him forever (and who could blame him?) or you don't tell him and live with your guilt and the knowledge that this happened. Or, third option, you do nothing and keep up the affair as long as you can. He will eventually find out, though, and that makes option 3 the worst of all. I would say telling him is the best way to go, though you should first end (*completely*) any contact with the other guy, forever. Then tell your husband you want to save your marriage and get to marriage counseling, one that specifically addresses sexual issues between couples, because that is what led you astray to begin with.

Just my $0.02. I wish you luck.

[jen1447]

My opinion is you're not going to stop this affair cause it's like a drug to you. You're getting your cake and eating it too. I think you may really love your husband but you're no longer "in love" with him. Screwing your lover in your married bed demonstrates this mightily.

 

I tend to agree with the likelihood of stopping the affair. People generally look at surface issues and try to resolve them ("having an affair? Just stop having an affair - simple!"), but the reality is that the core issues are what need resolution. Your core issue seems to be disillusion with your husband. Without resolving that, the temptation of the "boy" will probably be too much to withstand for any length of time.

 

One thing I disagree with is any two dimensional explanation of screwing in your bed at home. People seem to want to assume that it's either a savage attack on the spouse's integrity or an indication of utter disregard for them, but it doesn't have to be. People do things for the thrill a lot of the time, and affairs are way up at the top of that list. The bed at home is imo most likely just a 'naughty' thing. It's entirely possible OP does indeed still love her husband, as these situations are rarely ever black and white.

[Clay]

Tell your husband and make sure you include the fact you had sex with the OM in the same bed you do with him. It will really help him leave you. When this affair crashes down because the younger man sees something better and your just not all that exciting anymore you will really feel the pain you have caused.

 

Sadly that is life. So many people throw away a wonderful marriage for a fling.

 

In the end I am sure the last things he will say to you when your crying is " I hope it was worth it."

 

Clay

[chew123]

Martina,

 

Lets be realistic. You probably don't love your husband. You may be attached to him, like the security he provides you and the stable life. But you don't love him.

 

Do the right thing and tell him. He does not need all the details but he at least needs to know the basics. If you don't he will eventually notice that something isn't right and start suffering because he may think he is doing something wrong. Yes the truth will likely crush him and cause him a couple years of pain but its too late to stop that now.

 

You have made a major mistake. You already feel guilty, can you imagine living with the guilt for the next 30 or 40 years?

 

You are not a terrible person. You have done a terrible thing. Coming clean and telling him the truth is the only way to begin recovery.

 

Note that in my case my wife did come clean about the affair and left me for the AP. This does not seem to be an option in your case as yours is 23. We are now divorced and moving forward with our separate lives. She feels guily enough even after telling me the truth. If she hadn't it would probably have eaten at her for years. And by telling me she gave me the chance to someday find an honest relationship with someone else. Though we are not together anymore, I am thankful that she did come clean, at least partially.

 

Good luck with whichever way you choose to go. And if you both want to continue your marriage, I do hope that it works out for the both of you.

[Methodical]

You've put yourself in a hard position and I wouldn't want to be there. I'm a fan of honesty.

 

Before I married hubs, we both agreed if we fell out of love, grew apart, or lost interest, we would be honest with each other and separate rather than cheat. Why am I telling you this? Because I met a woman online and she offered to help me with an issue. One thing led to another and an online relationship was born. I told him upfront what she and I were up to and he was cool with the situation .

 

I recently met a wonderful woman who is amazing. Again, I talked to hubs and he is onboard and supportive, which probably seems odd to most people, but he has received benefits from the extra curricular activities too. (Not with her!)

 

I don't view this as cheating because I've been very frank and upfront with him and while others will disagree, I don't care because it works for us. Nobody is being deceived or lied to, etc. In fact, he met her a few weeks ago and they got along great.

 

That said, the spark in your sex life with your husband has gone out or is barely smoldering. Have you considered communicating your needs/desire to be more adventureous to him? For all you know, he may think you are the reason sex became complacent and since he's such an amazing man, he deals with it. Nothing is going to change if you don't have frank and honest discussions when issues arise or you feel the desire to broaden your horizons. Have you attempted incorporating dirty talk while having sex with him? I'm guessing not. He's not a mind reader and probably thinks that talking dirty would offend you and he'd never do that. You need to speak up. Make arrangement for child care (a sleep over with a friend, grandparents, etc.) Go buy an erotic outfit and jump his bones when he comes thru the door. He won't turn you down and he'll see up close and personal that you're branching out. That'll open the door for more adventure. There's many avenues you have yet to explore. You are just as guilty as he is for letting your sex life become a boring chore.

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

I don't even know why I'm doing this to him myself.

 

I do. You're selfish, a liar (obviously) and flat out not a good person. That is why you're doing it. Act like a respectable person for once by telling your hubby and allowing him to file for divorce. Ensure that you do not get a dime of his money as you leave because you don't deserve it as a cheater. Let him enjoy the fruits of his labor with somebody who isn't as trifling as you are. Judging by how you describe your hubby, he deserves this much.

[Arieswoman]

The most important thing that I notice in your post OP is that you don't have one shred of remorse.

 

In one place you say;-

 

It's not love,it is indeed just sex between me and him yet I can't stop this affair.

 

and

 

It is really tearing up my conscience but at the same time I can't stop.

and then you say ;-

 

I broke up with the boy.It is all over.

 

So while you don't know if you want to either $hi£ or get off the pot, your husband is blissfully unaware and being taken for a fool.

 

This is one hot mess for you OP and I can't see a way out of it that will end well for anyone involved.

 

If nothing else I hope some other readers, who are thinking about cheating, will take note and learn from this

[I Just Wanna b Happy]

The most important thing that I notice in your post OP is that you don't have one shred of remorse.

 

Exactly.......

[Yasuandio]

I do. You're selfish, a liar (obviously) and flat out not a good person. That is why you're doing it. Act like a respectable person for once by telling your hubby and allowing him to file for divorce. Ensure that you do not get a dime of his money as you leave because you don't deserve it as a cheater. Let him enjoy the fruits of his labor with somebody who isn't as trifling as you are. Judging by how you describe your hubby, he deserves this much.

 

It is going to take you a very long time to comprehend why what you have done is so terrible. You did it cause you chose to do it, you wanted to, it felt good, - it is that simple. It was all about YOU.

 

However, WHY you did it doesn't really matter now - cause you can't undo it -- specifically, you cannot un-eff this 20 plus dude, it is done, you cannot take it back, that is what is so bad about this kinda thing. If this picture ever is painted in your husband's psyche, same story. You won't be able to un-paint it, the canvas will be there forever. No matter if you leave some blank areas on the painting. He can and will fill in the gaps.

 

What might help you at some point is the book "Love Must Be Tough," by Dobson. Eventually, in time, you will get it. For now, I suggest you don't do this again. Yas

 

PS Go talk to a priest, pastor or therapist about this. You will get kicked in the teeth on a forum like this. It gives you an idea how deeply wounded people are that have experienced this event themselves. It is a pain you never want to feel - I know that myself.

Edited July 2, 2015 by Yasuandio

[Mr. Lucky]

The bed at home is imo most likely just a 'naughty' thing. It's entirely possible OP does indeed still love her husband, as these situations are rarely ever black and white.

 

How loved would you feel were you catch H or BF under these circumstances?

 

Martina,

 

Lets be realistic. You probably don't love your husband. You may be attached to him, like the security he provides you and the stable life. But you don't love him.

 

Agreed. Care about him in a "we have a comfortable life and history together" manner, yes. But love him? No way...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jen1447]

How loved would you feel were you catch H or BF under these circumstances?

 

 

 

Agreed. Care about him in a "we have a comfortable life and history together" manner, yes. But love him? No way...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Not very loved, but I wouldn't conclude I was utterly unloved because of it. That would be a rash conclusion without some prior supporting circumstances or knowledge.

 

Question of my own - how is it that based on one post, you purport to know categorically whether OP loves her husband or not?

[fireflywy]

You CHOSE this OP. No excuses.

 

Now, its time to tell your husband the truth. NO EXCUSES.

 

Its sad to read these stories. Someone devotes their life to you, treats you with respect, and then you basically kill their heart because you act like an animal, unable to control your body in the name of lust while feigning the commitment and trust that relationships are founded on.

 

I don't care how bad a partner is, in your case, your guy sounds like a good, honest man, there are no excuses to cheating. If something or someone doesn't work, you work up the will to leave but you never stray.

 

No EXCUSES.

 

You TELL him. To quote Clay, I hope the pain you brought to another human being, all for dirty words and quick thrills, "was worth it."

[fireflywy]

Not very loved, but I wouldn't conclude I was utterly unloved because of it. That would be a rash conclusion without some prior supporting circumstances or knowledge.

 

Question of my own - how is it that based on one post, you purport to know categorically whether OP loves her husband or not?

 

Cheating is not a loving act. We all know what cheating betrayals can bring to someone who loves us because we aren't children and as such we have the power and ability to CHOSE. She knew what she was doing, she knew the consequences and pain it could bring, and she took a selfish act and risked her love with him.

 

Of course, that's not love as it pertains to relationships. Oh sure, she can care about him, she can "love" him as human being and friend, but seeing as how this is a relationship section, we're speaking more on love as it pertains to a relationship and her actions show that she no longer "loves" him in this capacity; hence the term I would surmise anyway.

[Yasuandio]

Upon further reflection of the original post, I think something is wrong with this picture.

 

I may not be an English major, but check out this science teacher's grammar:

 

"Me and my husband only have sex in our bed at home whereas I've had sex with this boy in several of the most inappropriate places-in a bathroom,in the movie theatre(oral sex) and in a car.When I'm with him I feel wanted and desired again."

 

Furthermore, it appears the events that are "inappropriate" seem to be the major Modus Operandi. For example, the marital bed at home is not at all boring if it is used with the "young boy."

 

That said, it is possible, I suppose (technically), the lady might really love her husband, but suffer some mental/sexual disorder that has yet to be diagnosed. On the other hand, I have to wonder, is it possible she could be a troll?

 

Hmmmmm. I smell a rat.

 

Yas

[jen1447]

Cheating is not a loving act. We all know what cheating betrayals can bring to someone who loves us because we aren't children and as such we have the power and ability to CHOSE. She knew what she was doing, she knew the consequences and pain it could bring, and she took a selfish act and risked her love with him.

 

Of course, that's not love as it pertains to relationships. Oh sure, she can care about him, she can "love" him as human being and friend, but seeing as how this is a relationship section, we're speaking more on love as it pertains to a relationship and her actions show that she no longer "loves" him in this capacity; hence the term I would surmise anyway.

 

Sorry, but the commission of an unloving act (I'm not even convinced it was that, as I suspect it was more inconsiderate than anything else) does not obviate the existence of love.

[Friskyone4u]

Jen,

 

Seems like you are always minimizing the effects and tasking up for the cheater. Is that because you are a polyamorous person and just do not think it is a mjor issue.

 

You are an intelleigent woman giving advice to people decimated by infidelity or its effects and I think that while you have ebvery right to practice non monogamy you should at least state that in your opinions.

 

Yes it is "naughty" for her to screw this guy in her marital bed and you seem to think it is just fine when it is to most people the uttermost form of disrespect. It seems like to you that does not matter because naughty is Ok as is her cheating if it makes her happy.