I messed up

[madeahugemistake]

My wife and I met in mid 2009, I fell in love with her immediately upon first sight. After a while of dating she was head over heels for me. She had major trust issues and I was very aware. I however betrayed her in 2012 while she was pregnant with our child and was texting extremely inappropriate photos to another person. She found the photos almost a year later and completely fell apart. We worked through it and got back on track better than ever. However one night she came in late from her job and I was on the computer about a year later on a porn chat room and since then things have not been the same. I have never physically left our relationship (I would never cross that line), I know what I did was not right by any means but I am wondering if anyone has made the same bad decision and come back through it. I believe sometimes it takes people 2 times to realize things, I am all for chances. I should also mention that after the 2nd occurrence she kissed a coworker one night that she was out late and had been drinking and I recently found out she kissed another co worker after a late shift at work, she said she doesn't consider either time as bad as what I did. We are currently separated. She has said she is "still here" and "taking it day by day", in some arguments (most I admit I have caused) she has said she "doesn't know if she is in love with me" or "I don't love you right now", we have refrained from throwing the word "divorce" around. We have said it to each other on occasion in some of the heated moments though. As simple as asking about Christmas, I say what are we going to do around that time and she responds saying that we just need to take it day by day you never know...I do believe deep down she stills loves me and just needs her space, but I don't want to sound like I have all this hope for something that has a 50/50 chance and I know that. Has anyone every been through this kind of turmoil? I hate myself for opening Pandoras box, but now I am dealing with my own faults and then having to try to over come being cheated on as well. I try to make it simple and say that its even ( I know that is dumb) but that's the only reasoning I can go for. Any ideas? Be easy, lol.

[No Limit]

Well she doesn't trust you, believes you have been cheating the entire time and is now looking for an exit affair to make the leave easier for herself. I'm not sure space is the best way to go here, I'd pick marriage counseling instead - however, it might already be too late.

[beach]

From what you've typed - it doesn't appear that you've worked on the reasons why you hurt her that much. And done the work necessary to uncover how to never do that again.

 

This is the result when people rug sweep. The issues are never dealt with and the resentment remains. That may be the reason your wife felt like kissing a few men.

 

Why not so counseling to discover more about your issues and how to resolve those resentments between both of you.

 

Start changing everything - as nothing changes if nothing changes.

 

Did she move out - or did you move out?

[kenmore]

Not sure what a porn chat room is so not sure why she's so upset about that. I do feel sending the inappropriate photos was the biggie (no pun intended.) I also think her kissing someone is a biggie. While they offset in my opinion (more or less), really they both subtract from the marriage. There are two hurts and maybe three depending on the chat room thingie.

 

I only have my own experiences and since you asked, mine was terminal. That said, I had an exceptionally harsh wife. She makes up her mind and that's all. Yours sounds more optimistic.

 

I agree that marriage counselling seems like a great step if you can do it. You both need to commit to not doing this kind of childish stuff anymore. Marriage is not a game nor is it something to be taken for granted or forsaken. It's to be cherished.

 

Best of luck to you and welcome!

 

Ken

[KBarletta]

I agree with the posters above that you're not going to get through this on your own - you need counseling. And you both need to admit to each other (and yourselves) that you F-ed up and recommit to each other. If you still love each other and put yourselves all in 100% on fixing this, I don't think it's too late. But those are 2 big IFs, and the answer to both has to be yes.

[GoBlue]

Yes - I have some ideas. First, deal with your porn addiction honestly and openly by not trying to minimize it, and get help. There are lots of churches that have men's support and recovery groups to deal with this specific problem. You will show her by doing this that you are serious about getting over this issue and that you know it is not acceptable. Second, go to The National Institute of Marriage webpage and research their marriage intensive counseling program. The couples who go there are on their last leg and 85% have their marriages saved. Your wife wants to know that you will fight for her and you need to show her that you are 100% committed to her even if there is only a 50/50 chance that she gives you another shot. Going to see a counselor or a Pastor would be a great first step as well. Own your failures, be patient, and prove that you are taking steps to change not just making promises that things will be different. As far as your wife is concerned, your actions speak 100 times louder than your words right now. I hope things turn around. You are in my thoughts and prayers.